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Moms View Message Board: Short Stories, Poetry and Articles : TO FIND YOUR HEART
TO FIND YOUR HEART Slowly, I rounded the corner. It was 1235 a.m. I was walking home from the bus stop. I has just finished my shift at the factory where I worked. The press room had been stifling in this late summer heat wave, and even now in the relative coolness of the outdoors, my clothes clung to me damply. Well! Here I was seventeen years old and an honest to goodness wage earner for almost a month now. As I walked, my mind drifted back to graduation day. Again I saw Mom beaming at me in her faded Sunday best as I addressed the senior class. I was Valedictorian. I'd been a good student, and participated in a range of activities. Though I knew that I'd miss school, I was glad to be finally out on my own. I wanted to earn my share and help Mom with her constant battle to make ends meet. Dad had died when I was two, and Mom was pregnant with my brother Jackie. My older brother Al was the only one of us kids who remembered Dad. From pictures, I knew that Al looked very much like him. I guess that was one of the reasons that Mom spoiled him so much. Al was nineteen, tall and handsome, with dark eyes that seemed to smolder with secret resentments these days. His hair was the color of his eyes, a dark brown, almost black. He quit school in his junior year, and though Mom and I coaxed and pleaded, he refused to return. For a while he had a job, but then he became involved with the Royals. They were one of the roughest gangs that clustered in our section of the city. Many of the members, although only Al's age or even younger, had long police records. Work and returning to school were misplaced ideas now. The gang ruled all his ambitions. Mom's hopes and plans for Al to get a college education seemed doomed. Jackie was fifteen, with the clear, fair good looks of my uncle Pat. He had sandy blond hair and cool blue-grey eyes that were always intent on some kind of mischief. He was a good kid, amiable and happy. He did well in school, and helped Mom out with profits from his paper route. Dad's insurance money didn't go too far, and Mom had to work as a waitress at a diner in the neighborhood. The hours were long and the pay was poor, but it was close enough to our house. She could do her job and keep an eye on us at the same time. With the little insurance payment, Jackie's help, and now my salary, I hoped that she would be able to at least cut back on her hours. If only Al would help too. The factory where I worked was a busy place with huge machines that devoured plastic and bolts. What came out resembled the top of a ladies compact. This, in turn, was assembled with all the other parts that we manufactured, into a little box that was hoisted from balloons to forecast the weather. Dutifully I followed the instructions that Bill, our foreman, had given me that first night. From four until twelve each night I fed the monster, then sorted and inspected the product. The noise and confusion had gotten to me at first, but after the first week or so, I hardly noticed it. I had a lot to think about that night on my way home. It was during my break at eight that I'd first seen them, Frank Riley and Mike Alexander. They had been in many of my classes at school, Frank the handsome football captain, the most popular boy at school, and Mike the class clown. They were both from a different neighborhood, only a few blocks away ,but light years socially. C Street was what some might describe as a depressed area of our fair city. In truer terms it was the slums, a group of dirty crumbling houses, leaning against one another for support. In the daylight the cracked curtainless windows looked out on the spilled garbage and stripped car hulks, but at night the gangs and crime showed a deeper rot.. The despair of the people trapped in this poverty gave the streets the aspect of a prison. What were Frank and Mike doing at the factory? I was sure that they didn't need to work there. They were both the type destined to go on to college and a easy life. I didn't have to wait very long for the answer. As I entered the cafeteria that evening, they waved me over to their table. Mike spoke first. "Hi Lori. I thought it was you." I bristled, a bit on the defensive. "Ya." Frank chimed in. "It's great to see you again Lori." He had reached for my hand as he began, and he still held it grinning broadly. "Hey you two, break it up." With Mike's kidding, and the light banter that followed, I came somewhat back to earth. When the dinner break was over, and the buzzer sounding, Frank helped me from the bench. "You'll meet us here tomorrow?" Saturday was my day off. I awoke by 200. It was too hot to sleep and my internal clock was upside down anyway. I sat at the kitchen table reading with a cup of coffee at my elbow and a fan blowing tepid air in my face. Someone knocked. When I peered out I was sure that Al was in some kind of trouble again. The young man at the door had that OFFICIAL look about him. "Is this the Phisanio residence?" he asked me. He gave a small laugh. "...to the point aren't you?" He told me that he was a social worker, assigned by the City to this community center. His job was to recruit members of the Royals from their ranks, and get them involved again in education and other positive aspects of life. "These kids, like your brother Al, aren't bad." Sarcasm dripped from my voice, as I gestured to the houses up and down the street, to the boarded up store fronts to the crumbled curbs. "Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up to this each morning, and know when you close your eyes at night, it will only be a little bit worse." The look in his eyes stopped me cold. His voice was very low. "Yes I do know what it's like, Lori." He suddenly stopped. "Sorry." I said with a sheepish smile. "I guess I deserved it", I answered,...with my crack about the Slum Handbook." I held out my hand. "Truce?" He said goodbye, and headed down the street. I turned and went back into the house. Not a minute later Al sulked in. "What was Jenkins after?" I gave up then. I'd wait and talk to Pete. Maybe he could come up with a better approach. Pete and I saw a good movie that night, and afterwards we talked. He thought that Al might be more reasonable if Pete could just get him alone. His position in the neighborhood wouldn't be threatened then. "I guess I shouldn't have come to the house, especially during the day like that." I promised to come by my next day off, and crossed my fingers on the problem of Al. When we reached my house I turned. "Thanks Pete." That night the bed didn't seem quite as lumpy, nor the walls so cracked and dirty. "It's fixable," I smiled to myself. Sunday evening I sat on the front steps trying to find some relief from the heat, which seemed to be gathering strength even as the sun went down. I was daydreaming about the last few days, thinking about Pete and Mike and Frank, mostly Frank. I'd had a crush on him at school. What girl didn't. I guess I still felt that way. My heart beat faster at the thought that he'd be there tonight. The clock in the living room began to chime, and I realized how late it was. I knew I had to run. As I turned to grab my bag, two cars pulled up in front of our place. The first, with a young t-shirted kid hanging out the passenger window, had its radio blaring and horn blowing. I knew it was part of Al's gang. The second I didn't recognize until I heard my name. "Hurry Lori," Mike yelled. Frank held open the door and slid in next to me. "Frank suggested that you might like a ride to work." I didn't answer. I wasn't paying much attention to his words. My thoughts were in a turmoil. "Now they knew" I barely answered either of them all the way to work. I was hurt and embarrassed. By the time we reached the parking lot, everyone was on edge. Frank slid out and held the door as Mike retrieved their hats from the back seat. "This doesn't seem like a good time to ask." We wasn't judging or laughing at me. Pete had told me I had a chip on my shoulder about the neighborhood, and now I realized how right he was. I simply smiled and nodded. I didn't trust my voice just then. Later during the dinner break, I thanked them again for the ride. "Don't worry about it," said Mike. Mike cut me short. "It's not a bother." He smiled again, and taking my hand in a courtly gesture, teased "'Twould be my honor, My Lady," and kissed it very gently. I felt confused. The kiss didn't seem to fit with the teasing. Then he laughed, and told another joke, and our break time sped by all too quickly. "See you at closing, Lori," called Mike. I walked back to my machine in a daze. Three months later I was still in a daze. My prince had come, and such a prince. Frank and I were together every spare second. Sometimes we'd double with Mike and his date for the evening, but mostly it was just the two of us. The places that Frank took me were like some foreign country. There were whole parts of this city and the surrounding area that I had no idea existed. I sometimes felt as if I wasn't even Lori Phisanio anymore, but some exotic other person. Both of them had started school in September. State was right there in the city. Frank and Mike shared a dorm room on campus. I really missed our rides to and from work, especially Mike's lighthearted banter at break time. Even our toughest nights seemed easier with Mike around to keep up our spirits. There was a crack appearing in the canvas of this perfect portrait though. When Frank and I were out at a show or dancing or with others, things were beautiful, smooth, perfect. When it was just the two of us, our conversations dragged. I wanted so much to confide, to share all my feelings with Frank, but there seemed to be something in the way. Whatever it was Frank seemed to be affected the same way. "Don't knock it girl." The questions kept me up at night. I knew that Frank was going to ask me to marry him soon. He was hinting, trying to gage my feelings. He had asked me to meet his parents on several occasions, and we didn't seem to meet with any problems there. I knew that I needed to sort out my feelings fast, and figure out where I wanted to go with my life. On nights that Frank was busy studying, I started to go down to the community center. Pete and I had made no progress in our campaign to interest Al. He'd gotten me interested in arts and crafts. I found out that sometimes being deprived of something can be an asset. Not having a TV when we were little, we'd learned to entertain ourselves. We also had to depend on our imaginations, and things we could make ourselves, instead of toys. That poverty had given me a rich imagination, and an inventiveness that many with abundance had never known. Soon I was teaching craft classes to Senior Citizens every Tuesday afternoons. Pete's way of looking at life was changing me. Teaching these classes let me feel that I had something that I could contribute to my own community. These long time residents told me the history of our neighborhood, of the many famous and worthy people who had grown up there. They helped me to develop something I'd have never believed was possible, a pride in my community. Christmas was fast approaching, and by now Frank seemed to also feel the strain between us. I could see the bewilderment in his eyes, but I had no answers. I was afraid to bring up any doubts that I held. We rarely saw Mike any more, and when I questioned Frank about it, he refused to give me a logical answer. I knew that they'd had a fight. Frank wouldn't let on what was going on, and Mike wasn't around to ask. I really missed Mike, but being Franks's girl, I felt it would be wrong to call him. Finally, one night the tension between us came to a head. We'd had a wonderful dinner in town, and were driving past the blinking Christmas displays on Main Street. "We need to talk, Lori." His jaw was set in a tense line. He drove to a quiet corner of the park and stopped the car. "'Tis the season to be jolly." I thought." Frank had the ring in his hand. It should have been the happiest moment in my young life, but I felt totally miserable. "Lori.... I'm not great with the blarney like Mike, but you know how I feel about you." I was totally confused. "What are you talking about?" I must have sat there for several minutes in shock and bewilderment. Finally with tears streaming down my face I turned to Frank. "You are so wrong, and I am so sorry." He stared at me for a minute searching my face, and said sadly, "I really blew this one, didn't I?" I could have crawled. I felt so low and ashamed. Why had I let it come this far? Frank was humiliated. He and Mike were no longer friends. I'd had my chance at being Cinderella and now the clock was striking midnight. "I'm so sorry Frank." The next morning was the day before Christmas Eve. I had cried far into the night, and my eyes were still red and swollen. I needed something to take my mind off what had happened the night before. I remembered my resolution to do something to spruce up this house. This time I was going to act on what I knew was right, so I grabbed my purse and checked that I still had a few bucks left from my last paycheck. I grabbed my coat, and headed for the paint store. When I got back I surveyed the living room. The walls needed scraping and patching first. As soon as I changed to my oldest sweats, I tackled that chore. Jackie came in soon after I started. "What are you up to?" The two of us attacked the walls ferociously. By noon we had the living room the dining room, and part of the kitchen scraped. The noise we made must have awakened Al, and he came down stairs demanding to know what was going on. I was pleasantly surprised when he offered to join us in our project. "It will be a great surprise for Mom," he added. We had just stopped to fix a couple of sandwiches, when tho doorbell rang. "Get that, will you, Lori," mumbled Jackie around a peanut butter sandwich. There on the front steps stood a very red faced man with a large carton. "'bout time you answered the door." I never got the chance to finish. Al and Jackie rushed to the door. "It's here". They gestured to the table. "Sign here," said the flushed delivery man shaking his head, and leaving. They tipped him and tore off the cardboard. "What a beauty." I pulled them from the set. "Tell me now." Midnight Mass? Gang leader Al Phisanio with Mother and siblings at midnight Mass? What was wrong with this picture? "You haven't been home much lately." I'd been so totally involved with my life and problems, that I had no idea what was going on with the people I loved the most. "By the way, did you know that my team took the City title", said Jackie adding to my guilt. I grabbed them both in a bear hug. "To think that I was worried about you two." I was dancing through the soggy paper scraps, until they restrained me by force. "Chill sister." We ate our lunch as we continued to scrape the kitchen walls. Al turned and mumbled something. "What was that?" I asked. I was dashing up the steps when the doorbell rang. I had enough time to comb the wallpaper out of my hair, and was peeling several strips from my sweat pants when Jackie yelled up. "Lori, as soon as you look somewhat human, get down here." When I reached the living room, Al and Pete were there laughing. "We have a volunteer, Lori" Pete was handed a scraper, and he good naturedly started in. "This isn't fair you know." He was sitting on the top step with his back to me, as I opened the door. For a few seconds I just stood there as it hit me. My first image was of a kiss on the hand in a noisy factory cafeteria. So Frank had been right in a way. He could feel the tension that existed between Mike and I. I remembered the good times, when Mike was around to spark my happiness. I'd been so blind. Sure I was infatuated with Frank. Who wouldn't be. He was drop dead gorgeous, smart and rich and popular. Every young girl's dream. But it was time to grow up now. The reality wasn't a dream. It was Mike. He was the magic. Just then he turned and saw me in the door. He patted the step beside him and I sat. "Did you talk to Frank," I asked. He'd only come to plead Mike's case. "It won't work". I didn't answer. "Well, is there?" Just then it started snowing. I didn't even notice. "Please don't cry Lori," he begged, and put his arm out to comfort me. I clung to him sobbing, and when he tilted my chin up to speak to me, I couldn't help myself. I tasted my own tears mixing with the snow on his face. He pushed me away and shook me. "What are you doing?" He pulled me close, and then back apart again searching my face. "But you never... " I could only shake my head. "Oh God This is great...." It was going to be the best Christmas ever. True love has it's ups and downs. Yes, Frank was hurt, but not long after, he met someone who loved him for all the right reasons. He and Mike are friends again, and we all get together often. My brother, Al, finishes college next month. He will celebrate his graduation near the day that his wife Cathy is due to deliver their first child. He met a girl at the Community Center. Pete introduced his younger sister to this ambitious, dark haired guy, and the rest was history. Mike graduated from State, and I became Mrs. Michael Alexander a few months later. We now have two wonderful little boys. My class clown has taught me about all the deepest meanings of love. I'm a very lucky lady. I could have blown it, but someone up there was watching over me. We don't live on C Street anymore, but Mom and Jackie still do. Things are slowly changing for the better there, and would you believe it? I love the place. B. V. Dahlen ©
Bea, this is really good! It sounds so very much like the kind of stories I use to love reading. I just don't have much time for reading these days, or I would still be reading them.
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