Just wanted to ask a general question... how many of you out there know their DH check out porno websites? My DH never knew how to use a computer but was always interested. Finally one day he decided he was going to learn so started playing around with it while I was at work. He had the general questions but has gotten the hang of it. Well, all he does now is check out all these porno sites. I wouldn't care if it was once in a while but I can tell he's on there a lot by the history and can see what sites he goes on. I've never been one of those woman that really cared if he watched an ocassional porno movie, etc. but for some reason now its really getting to me. Last night I found a sheet that he had been listing all these sites, a whole page full. What are your opinions?

By Luvn29 on Friday, June 30, 2006 - 09:10 pm:

My husband isn't very computer literate. He had a couple of short Fridays where he got home a couple of hours earlier than me and the kids when I substituted at the school. I went back for some reason to check my history for a website I couldn't remember from a couple of days prior and found the history completely erased. I knew I hadn't done it, and I knew my dh didn't accidentally do it. I confronted him and told him that even though he had done that, I still had ways of seeing where he had been (exp: cookies) and to please tell me why our history had been erased completely. I had noticed this once before, and hadn't thought anything of it, but two times set off my alarms. He fessed up to checking out some free videos and pictures on one of the sites we play games on called Buzzard Brothers. I was very upset, more from the fact that he had hid it from me, and had erased the history, learning how to do that from one of the guys at work, than from the p*rn (soft core) itself.

He saw how truly upset I was from this and hasn't done it since. If I gave him the go ahead, he probably would, but I won't, so he doesn't. He knows I am very computer literate, and he knows nothing about them, and he will get caught. He also saw how much it upset me. It bothered me more than I thought it would. Again, it was the secret thing, the trust thing, more than the p*rnography itself. We've watched movies together with nudity in them. I could do without, but I don't make him cover his eyes.

So, I completely understand how you feel. I didn't think it would bother me so much. But it did. I make myself completely available to him. Not because I have to, but because I want to, and because I love being with him, so it upsets me to think he needs or wants something more. He says it doesn't mean that, and it probably doesn't, but I'm a woman. Things don't always have to be rational, do they! If it hurts, then that's enough of a reason to stop doing it, and thankfully, my husband understands and feels that way.

Try talking to him, and explaining your feelings to him. Use the word "I" instead of "you" so he doesn't get all defensive and let him know why you don't want him doing it. If he sees it is for you, maybe he will be more willing to stop doing this for you, simply because you need him to.

By Anonymous on Friday, June 30, 2006 - 09:59 pm:

I've had a lot of problems with dh "secretly" doing p*rn.I don't know that much about computers to be able to check up on him.I did notice that the history was being erased,but he always had some "reason" why it was doing that,and that it wasn't him.What does "cookies" mean,and how can I use that to see if and when he does it? Also,I noticed that you spelled p*rn like this instead of correctly( so I did it too).What is the reason for that. I HATE that he does this.We have a very happy relationship,except for this.

By Luvn29 on Friday, June 30, 2006 - 10:40 pm:

I'm only on here for a second... But if you spell it out, then momsview red dots it out so you can't see the word. It ends up like this: ••••. That's the only reason.

If no one else helps you with the cookie thing and other stuff, I'll try. I'm not too good at explaining that stuff. But cookies are little things that your computer stores to remember where you have been so that it can load up sites faster, and remember passwords and log in names for you so you don't have to type them again, etc. You can actually go on your computer, and look at all of the cookies that are stored, and it shows the websites that have been visited where cookies have been stored for them. You can view all of this under Tools and Internet Option when you are logged onto the internet.

By Pamt on Friday, June 30, 2006 - 10:41 pm:

Internet pornography quickly escalates into an addiction. And, as with all addictions, the user develops a tolerance and requires more (quantity) and harder (drugs, hard core. etc.---whatever the addiction) to keep the same buzz going. This is a huge issue and my DH and I have seen it unravel way too many marriages, including that of our best friends and former guardians of our children.

I would recommend counseling for both of you. There is also software you can get that will track your DH's internet usage and sent it to your computer or better yet, to a male friend/accountability partner. Most men are much more successful at dealing with p*rn if they have a close male friend who will hold them accountable since we wives are waaaay too close to the situation and will freak with every little slip-up instead of applauding the little victories along the way. Our church has a support group for internet pornography addiction---check around b/c your community may likely have something as well.

You definitely need to talk with your DH about this and let him know how it makes you feel. And you are totally justified in your feelings b/c pornography is the same as bringing a 3rd person into your bedroom. That 3rd person is just in your DH's head, but is every bit as real and present as if she were in the room. Viewing p*rn starts off fairly innocent and curious, but becomes more deviant and dangerous in viewing and almost always ultimately, over time, leads to acting out---whether your DH wants you to do things you aren't comfortable with or seeks out someone else for the rush of it.

So many people think there is no harm in just "looking." Problem is...it never stops there. And lusting for someone else when you are married is NEVER a good thing.

Hope you guys get some help and are able to get this under control. {{{Lorebunde}}}

By Anonymous on Saturday, July 1, 2006 - 12:02 am:

I too had the history "suddenly" erase. I never thought anything of it. I think once I asked and was told something about it being part of the regular security. My dh confessed about two years ago about regularly checking certain sites. Our marriage hasn't been the same. What he was looking at bothers me some, but lying about it bothers me tremendously. We are working on our marriage. But it is a real struggle. I just cannot see good in any •••• surfing.

By Hol on Saturday, July 1, 2006 - 01:26 am:

IMO, when a husband looks at p*rn, it is the same as cheating. Yes, there is the curiosity factor, and men are weak when it comes to that, but I agree with Pam. There comes a need for more and more hard core p*rn, just like a drug. I, too, have seem the marriages of two different friends (couples) disintegrate because the husbands became SO obsessed with sex that it let to adultery. You have every right to feel betrayed.
Like a lot of things, the internet can be a blessing (like MV) or a curse. In years past, men had the magazines. When my DH would leave for a deployment, I'd see buddies of his with girly magazines sticking out of their duffels. I never understood that. If you were going to where there were no women, (this was the sixties, before co-ed deployments), why torture yourself? I also remember my Dad with a calendar in his workshop outside that was very tame in comparison. A girl in a garter belt and stockings. Maybe topless. Today, however, there is FILTH on the net. Depraved acts, and in streaming, interactive video.
I agree that you should confront your DH, and get him to agree to counseling. It's important to get your feelings out in a neutral setting. You also need him to promise to leave the p*rn alone.
If he tells you that he is looking at it for ideas to spice up your love life, don't fall for it. If you agree to try some of the things he sees on the net, he'll be fantisizing when he is with you. Not cool!

By Anonymous on Saturday, July 1, 2006 - 08:46 am:

Ok, Im the opposite here. My husband has not looked at •••• in many many years. When he did it, I did not care. I would not care if he did it today. I am an overweight person, who is not very attractive to see without my clothes on. My boobs are too big, I have a hanging/saggy belly, just not a pretty picture. If he wanted to see what a pretty thin lady looks like, I am not going to stop him. Although he does not anymore, due to the fact he is just busy with other things, work,hobbies, projects etc...To me I do not believe that looking at naked pictures of females always mean there is a serious addiction. Could it lead to addiction? Of course it could, could drinking a couple of beers lead to alcoholism, sure? Does it always, NO...
My point, I do not always believe looking at •••• leads to other things, in some people yes, and other people no.
Many times I point out pretty thin women to my husband. I will say "Isnt she pretty?" Or I will say "wow, shes got a nice body". So if my husband wants to see what a hot women looks like without clothes, I do not have a problem. As long as its a picture(not in person of course LOL), and it goes no further then that.
I know, I am the minority here.

By Tripletmom on Saturday, July 1, 2006 - 09:05 am:

I have to agree with Anon above.My DH in the past and maybe present has looked at ••••.Men are sexual creatures by nature.I think it would be a problem if he lived on the computer,stayed up for hours looking at ••••.He is a very attentive DH and father.I am not an insecure wife and I don't think of it as cheating.I would be more worried if he wanted to go to bars all the time.I'd prefer him to look at it on the computer than have magazines around.I think if any wife has a problem with it then her DH should respect her feelings and stop.Maybe I dont have a problem with it b/c I don't feel our relationship is lacking anywhere.I do not check the history on the computer for ••••.If my DH was on the computer 24/7 then maybe I would feel differently.He can't get on the computer anytime b/c I'm on here with you ladies.LOL

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, July 1, 2006 - 11:48 am:

The difference, last Anon and Sherri, is that you don't mind and aren't bothered if your husbands look at ••••, but the other posters do mind and are bothered.

I think the issue is not whether, in the abstract, looking at •••• is right or wrong. It is whether a man should keep on seeking out and looking at •••• when he knows it hurts his wife and can damage the marriage relationship.

I am one of those who thinks that if a man (or a woman) frequently and deliberately seeks out •••• and spends a lot of time with it is at least mentally and spirtually unfaithful - whosoever lusteth in his mind, etc. And if it is done in the face of the objections of the spouse, then it is saying to the spouse that the spouse's opinions and hurt feelings don't matter as much as the ••••. Especially if the spouse believes/feels that the looking at •••• is taking away the attention that should rightfully be his/hers.

I can hypothesize that the women who are complaining might not complain if it was hunting magazines or woodworking or some other kind of hobby. And I think that's because when your husband is looking at •••• you feel you are unwillingly in competition with women who are willing to take of their clothes so men can look at them, and being compared to those women.

But if you don't think so, then it isn't a problem in your marriage. But it is obviously a problem for many of those who posted above. I wonder how those husbands would feel if their wives spent a lot of time seeking out nude pictures of hunky men. But of course, that's different, isn't it? (joke)

By Lorebunde on Saturday, July 1, 2006 - 01:51 pm:

Thanks for all the feedback. I had a hair appointment and was gone for 3 hrs. Didn't look like much done around the house and after checking, he was on p**n sites. I wouldn't care if now and then but every single day? Thing that gets me is doesn't bother touching me that much . I have a friend I work with that always complains her husband has a problem getting it up (is it ok to say that here?) anyway, she knows hes on those sites and watching movies but never can satisfy her. Thats what bugs us more than anything.

By Pamt on Saturday, July 1, 2006 - 02:14 pm:

And likely p*rn is the cause for that Lorebunde. It is so much easier just to "do it yourself" than put the emotional investment into loving and pleasing someone else. P*rn is robbing your husbands of the ability to please you and to even respond to you. And guys don't just look at p*rn. You can be sure that if he is looking at it, then he is masturbating. If his sexual needs are being met by the computer and himself then that will obvious affect what happens in your bedroom. Have you talked to him about it yet?

By Reds9298 on Saturday, July 1, 2006 - 05:38 pm:

I personally think if you have to track your DH's •••• situation, then you've got to make a life change! That may seem harsh, but really, if you can't trust you spouse, who can you trust?? Taht's what it boils down to for me. Who else should respect you as much as your spouse?

We don't do •••• around here, and if you're a wife that is fine with it, then that's fine with me. The real key here is that if YOU'RE not happy about it, then your DH shouldn't be doing it - anytime. And if he can't stop and admits that, THEN I think you should seek counseling together.
I agree with most of Pam's post. I also feel that pornography is like having a 3rd person in your bedroom, and that lusting after something else ona regular basis is not healthy for any relationship, significant other or spouse.

AND, if it's effecting your sexual relationship, definitely a problem IMO. •••• is definitely not about touching and love, it's about SEX. I hope that you are able to talk to your husband about this, AND trust his responses to you. Once the trust is gone in a marriage, I can't imagine what it takes to get that back. Ditto Pam's last post again. (Just read it.)
{{hugs}} and hope it all works out for you!