Family Vacation...
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive May 2007:
Family Vacation...
Okay I am having a delima. Next weekend my sister's family, my parents and my family are going on a long weekend together. We are going to a water park and Sea World. The problem I am having is something that comes up anytime that my sister's family and mine are all together with my parents. My kids who are the older grandchildren, tend to start feeling left out because my sister always asks my mom to watch her youngest who is almost 2. This causes my oldest DD to feel like she can't spend anytime with my mom because if she does she has to do baby stuff. My sister who is older than me is rather demanding and thinks everything should revolve around her sons and husband, I guess that has to do with her being a SAHM, not saying all SAHMs are like that just her.
It is little things that all add up, like her DH not liking certain food so we can't have that food at all even if we prepare more than one thing so he has something he likes too. Her kids have to take a nap so we all have to be totally silent for that 2 hrs and we should just sit around instead of doing something else because the kid taking a nap might miss out on something.
I love my sister dearly but I dread going anywhere with her and her family for more than an afternoon because it stresses me out. She has told me in the past that I ruin every holiday and family vacation because I get so upset over the little things that she does to cater to her DH and sons, but nothing can ever cater to my kids or DH.
We are supposed to be going to have a fun and relaxing weekend with family and I am so stressed out about it that I am giving myself a migraine by worrying so much.
Am I being petty? I mean I do everything I can to try to make things work and I try to let it go but eventually it gets to me and I end up saying something that I probably shouldn't. I want everyone to have a good time, but it puts a great deal of pressure on me to just let her family get what they want all the time and always having to tell mine that we need to do this of go here for her sons or DH. When my kids want to do something totally different for older kids and my sis doesn't want us to split up most of the time.
The kids are 12, 10, 7, 4, and 2. The first 2 are mine.
Any advice would be helpful.
I am going anon because I would hate for my family to find this and know it was me talking.
First of all, you need to speak up. Tell grandma that YOUR children would like some one on one time with her.
It sounds like you allow her to dictate your time together. Put a stop to it now. Get the food your family wants.
Take your family somewhere doing nap time. It is your vacation too. Your children are past nap time so you are not required to participate.
Honestly, you are not being petty but you do need to stand up for yourself. Your sister is getting away with her behavior because you let her. Do not let her do it.
I am telling you this as someone who has been there. Funny I am the SAHM and the controller-wanna-be is a WOHM SIL so that does not really have anything to do with it. I think there is someone in everyone's family who likes to be the boss.
It sounds like you all just need to start doing some of your own things. At nap time, I would have no problem saying "We are going to stay for a bit longer...we'll meet you at home." And for the food, if you want something, I would make it. I wouldn't get into a heated debate, but if your sister says "Well, "Bob" doesn't like that." I would just say "Oh, I know, but the kids and I really love it."
In other words, just stand up for yourself, without getting into it...Just do your thing. You might mention to your Mom that your DD wants to spend time with her and maybe they can plan a little something.
Go with the flow....but when you are changing all your plans because of your sisters family, just do your own thing. That's what we always try to do. HTH! I hope you can still have a good time.
Ditto Yvonne and Eve!!!
Honestly, if *I* were you, I'd stop going on vacations with her and try to find a way for *my* kids to spend quality time with Grandma when your sister isn't around. But that's just me, and it took me years to get to this point, after being raised in a dysfunctional family where alcohol was always one factor and demanding family members were another factor, that affected the overall experience and made it totally NOT fun to even be there.
Well, I guess my first question would be, "Why are you going?" I am not trying to be mean, but I learned a long time ago, to just not put myself in stressful situations. And, it sounds like this totally stresses you out.
My SIL, and her dks are very demanding of my in-laws attention when we are all together. And, since we live farther away, my dks don't get to spend a lot of time with them. So, we have started inviting my in-laws to visit us, just them. In fact, they are coming next week. Dh explained to his mother and father that he wants are dks to spend some quality time together with just them. So, once or twice a year, we have our time with just them. Don't get me wrong, we do spend time with his entire family. But, we are also proactive in getting quality time with them also.
Also, like others have mentioned, why are you letting your sister run what you do. She seems to be taking care of her family, so you should take care of yours. During nap time, take your family to do something, you shouldn't have to wait around. Now, as far as the food situation, I have a picky ds, so trying to find a place that everyone likes doesn't bother me because I have been on the other side.
Good luck, I hope all goes better then you expect.
I am going because my mom asked me to, she loves having all of us around at the same time. My kids do get time with just my parents and they love that time, this only happens when we are all together a few times a year. When it is just an afternoon my kids understand, but when it is 5+ days they have a hard time with it. This year my mom has been a sick and is having a lot of work done to her house so they have not seen her a lot.
I also have an issues with not standing up for myself or my kids because when I do she makes me out to be the bad guy and tells me I always ruin everything for her.
I understand picky eaters, but I guess I don't understand when my mom tries to fix something everyone likes (almost separate meals for everyone) and my sis complains because there is something on the table her DH doesn't like (this is a 45 yr old man). In particular there is a breakfast that bugs me the most.. My mom makes biscuits and sausage gravy, this has been mine and my sister's favorite breakfast for as long as I can remember (until she got married this was Christmas breakfast my entire life), yet when I ask my mom to cook it, in the past, when we are all together my sister says we can't have it because her DH doesn't like it, yet my mom cooks eggs and bacon and everything else he likes also. Why can't he just ignore the fact there is gravy on the table? (now I am just rambling)
Oh well, I am just going to have to try to stand up for myself and my family without it getting heated. Maybe it will be better since we wont' all be in the same place this time we are renting 2 cabins, instead of one big one like before.
Thank you for the support and advice.
I agree with Eve that you can stand up for yourself without a debate. Simply buy/cook the food you want, say you are doing something during nap time, and tell the Grandparents that on x day your children want one on one time. With some roll playing (I learned this from Ginny!) and pre-planning, you can have a fun vacation and avoid family drama.
(((hugs)))
I agree with those above. Your sister sounds very controlling and unlikely to be satisfied with any arrangement. I sure don't understand why your sister's husband can't eat what he likes and ignore stuff on the table he doesn't like. And I really don't understand why your sister is the one complaining about it, not him. I am wondering who it is who is really bothered, and why. And not liking is one thing, but not liking to the point where he (or maybe she) can't even stand to see it on the table. What on earth do they do if they are at a buffet party or restaurant?
What crossed my mind is how much of this goes back to "Mom loves me better"?
Ha ha ha...I'm sorry but I'm laughing hysterically at the fact that the man is picky at that age!! LOL!! My thoughts on that subject alone are that he's probably *embarrassed* that he doesn't like that food (and is that picky) and therefore doesn't want to look ridiculous when served breakfast. In our house, he'd be making his OWN breakfast.
My other thought is that, with a 2 year old, you're always "on the clock" when they are awake. So, I'm guessing she just doesn't want anyone to wake the child up, which I can totally understand. And, she probably doesn't want to be left alone with the child during naptime because well, she's on vacation too and being a SAHM is isolating. Maybe one person can stay behind while the child naps and give her a break? Other kids can do stuff, just not affecting the nap time, and leave the premises. I'm sure they'd want to anyway.
I also agree with Eve...just do your own thing and share your plans ahead of time. It helps to have a plan anyway so expectations aren't crushed.
Anon, I've been thinking about you. Yes, I am a fervent advocate of role playing. (Sounds like it may have helped you, Yvonne, and if so, I'm pleased.) But, I wonder if the first person you need to work things out with is Mom. A lot of moms like yours - who are willing to be short order cooks because everyone likes something different - are the kind of person who will do anything to avoid conflict. If your mom is one of those persons, I suggest the first person you need to have a long talk with is Mom.
I'd be happy to help you work out some scenarios and dialogue if you want to email me. Use my moderator contact in the left hand menu, and will answer you from my home e-mail. I've gotten a bit cautious about putting my home e-mail address in posts, even breaking it up, because I sometimes get e-mails from people who should really be talking to me as a moderator, not as just plain Ginny.
I'm sorry, I know that you are going because your mother wants you to go , great. But sweetie ask yourself and I think you mentioned it above. But if you are stressing and haven't left home yet. How do you think your DH and kids feel?
I mean you and your family are spending money to go on a vacation that you know you are not going to enjoy. And I dont' think you would go to a restaurant and let the party at the next table tell you what to eat, I understand this is your sister and you are trying to keep the peace but to really let her dictate what you and your family eats. How would your sister like it if you told her that since her husband doens't like something on the table he sohould else where. she wouldn't liek it , so the next tiem ask her do she think your kids liek it when someone ( nto ever there parent) tells them they have what they like to eat) no that isnt fair, I dont' wnat to spend too much tiem on this but I just can't believe this.
And as far as we all staying thats understandable that you wold stay together for a while to do things as a family. But before we went out for the day , I would let her know there are things that my kids, dh and I would liek to do and see that you and or your family isn't in so during your kids naptime we will go and do soem of those things and hopefully we will make it back in 2 hours, but if not then we will meet up at a later time/location. And when she began to huff and puff or tell me how I'm ruining everyone's vacation. I woudl poliietly tell her, me and dh paid money to come on this vacation just as she and her husband did and we deserve teh right to enjoy ourselfs aslo. And if she could not comprehend what you are saying oh well sorry but tuff.
I tell you like this either she will get over it or she won't, but life goes on. You have a family of your own that you shoudl be trying to please and stop putting them through this craziness that you allow your sister to put you through.
I'm sorry if someof the things I siad sounded harsh, but as long as you continue to let her push you aroudn adn dictate your life. it's not good, for you , your health. adn Remember you children are watching and this is no kind of behavior that you wnat them growning up displaying towards you or anyone else.
I talked with my mom last night and she agrees that for a majority of the time we should be separate because my kids are so much older and we are going to a waterpark with big slides that the little ones can't go on. So she is going to talk to my sister, which should help a lot. So will at least solve the nap time delima.
As for the food, well maybe I can just keep my mouth shut during meals that we all have together since they will mostly be at restrants and the rest should just be sandwiches in our rooms or maybe donuts or something for breakfast and we will all be bringing our own stuff for that.
Hopefully the talk I had with my mom will help. She does see how I feel but she is a peacekeeper and so she doesn't like to ruffle anyone's feathers so to speak.
oops.. well i guess if they find it they find it.
Exactly.. You have a right to your concerns, they created the due cause of such concerns. I doubt they will find this and if they do it may be a wake up call...
Talking to your mom is a good idea. You could enjoy shows, meals and some activities as a group. But your children are too old to be forced to ride "baby" rides because your sisters kids are too small for the "big rides" I think you should try to go into this with an open mind and tone down the stress... I hope you enjoy yourself and your sister grows up..
I have a sister just like that and she works out side the home... Me me me, mine mine mine... Selfish and self centered..
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