What would you do?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive May 2007:
What would you do?
My son's class does a management system with conduct marks. Today they are having a reward party, you cannot attend if you have over 12 marks. He has 13. He has had a total of 20 for the entire year, including this 13. I am not sure what happened to him, but obviously not good. So he can't go to the party. This is the biggest reward party they will have. I paid 10 dollars in advance, that I won't get back, it is off campus, there only time to go off campus, they will do class pictures, friend pictures, DJ dancing, bounce houses, pizza and ice cream.
Would you go in and ask for leniency?
I was not informed of this by the teacher, I was told by him afterschool yesterday. I haven't seen his folder because he was out last tuesday when they came home. Last I saw it, it only had 9 marks (2 weeks ago). I called the teacher afterschool, she said she felt bad because he was such a good kid, but rules were rules. I am stuck between, he did the crime and should do the time. And really it is only 1 mark, and I know there are several that were questionable. He was given marks for late assignements when he was absent, etc.
My son is okay with it, because he is a rule follower. And he said he knows what his marks say and those are the rules. Out of the 180 students, there are 4 that won't participate, the other 3 have in excess of 30 marks.
I would have to go speak to the principal, as the teacher blew me off.
So would you go fight, or just let it go?
Definately let it go, if he had 9 two weeks ago, he knew he was getting close and how to get the marks. I would also demand he tell you where the last 4 came from, he knows.
Ditto Kym. I think it's great he understands the rules and is not complaining. Kudos to him and I think to fight this would send a poor message to him and ruin the lesson he has probably learned. At any rate, for him to understand and accept and you to fight it, well...I think it's asking for trouble.
Also, the marks for late assignments due to being absent should have been fought back when they occurred, provided the marks really were unfair. Did he not turn them in before the due date given after his illness? Or is the school so strict that if you're sick, then too bad?
I didn't fight those marks when they happened because I didn't see a reason too. It wasn't a big deal. Up until this point he had only had 5 total, so I never dreamed one mark would keep him from the party. I am the type of parent who just mostly stays out of it, because little things don't matter. And yes this teacher is just that strict, if they are due at 9, they are due no exceptions or it is a conduct mark.
He really is a little clueless about the marks he gets. They don't say, oh here is a mark, they just do it.
They also have a positive reward system, they get paid doggy bucks for good behavior. He has the 2nd highest in the class. He said that he didn't want me to go and in and talk to his teacher. He is going to ask if he can "buy" one of his marks being erased.
The 13 marks all happened in a matter of 3 weeks. In the past 9 weeks he has missed 11 days due to be really really sick. So he has obviously not been on his game in many areas.
And part of why this is a huge deal to me, this is their graduation thing. He is in 5th grade, which is their last year at elementary school.
It is just so ironic to me, by dollars he is the 2nd best kid in the class. He is receiving 3 end of the awards, one being for best citizenship, one being the hardest working, and some other fluff one.
So about 5 of his marks are for assignment issues, i don't think any were a full day late. But the rest are because he has befriended a kid that needs a friend and he is trouble a lot. That kid has 40+ marks. When I told him he really needs to quit hanging around him, he said, "no one has ever shown him how to behave, how will he ever learn if someone isn't nice to him and shows him the right way".
So yes he has been in more trouble, but his heart has been in the right place, and I think it sucks a little to punish him for trying to do the right thing.
Of the 6 classes of kids, his teacher is the only 1 that has more than 1 student not going to the party (there are 4) and I think only 1 kid in any of the other 5.
I think I would talk to the teacher and ask the same thing that your son wants to know. Can he buy back one mark? Seems a little ironic that he can get best citizenship and not be able to go because of the marks..
Good luck!
How sad for your ds. He seems to be handling it very well. But I also feel that rules are rules, and he now has to suffer the consequences. I agree that it is a little late to question marks that were given before now, that should have been done when they were given. He has asked you not to talk to his teacher, so I wouldn't. I would let him handle asking the teacher about buying a mark away.
What I would have a problem with is that they are lumping together a behavior reward party and a graduation party. They should be two different events. Since he is graduating, he should be able to go to the graduation party.
For me, no matter how much it hurt me to see my ds miss the party, I would let it go, and write it up as a very hard lesson learned.
Situations like this can sometimes get sticky. Your DS seems to be handling it OK and is very understanding of the circumstances. You should be proud of him for that but as a parent it's hard not to feel the pain. But I would let it go even as hard as that may be. We had a situation here recently with a reward breakfast for all A's (this did not include A-'s) there were three children who were not able to go because of this and their parents took it to the school board and the result was the breakfast was canceled as are any future ones. You could do something on your own with him and his friend maybe and reward him for being very mature and handling the situation.
He talked with his teacher, she said she would talk with the other teachers. Of the 6, 5 of them said absolutely. So majority won and he is getting to go. He is thrilled and I am very happy that he was able to handle this himself.
The hard lesson learned here for me, is I guess I do have to go and question every little thing. I hate being that kind of parent.
He isn't just a good kid, he is a very mature responsible kid that has had a bad last 9 weeks. I do think he has learned his lesson. Unlike my other children, he took blame and was ready to face the consequences.
Because of his illness he missed 3 end of year events last week, from the different groups he was part of. Not participating in this meant for the end of his 5th grade year he wouldn't of done anything special at school.
I also think that they shouldn't of lumped graduation in with a behavior problem.
The other 4 kids who weren't allowed to go, stayed home from school today. So that is the other factor, one teacher would of had to stay just for him.
Thanks for being my sounding board, I felt like such a failure as a parent. Any other parent would of been complaining about those marks very early on, but I just didn't foresee this as being an issue. Add to that, not being informed by the teacher (others were told last week, when I went to get his work she didn't mention it to me), when we see marks, they are just tally marks under columns like missed assignement, not following directions. Until yesterday afterschool I really had no idea how bad his behavior was getting. I hope my son has learned he needs to communicate with me more and he doesn't have to just take what happens, if there is an explanation I can fix some things.
Yay! Good for your son! I bet he learned a lot from this experience, from consequences to how to solve a problem to how to stand up to a teacher, etc. That's wonderful! And I do think the school/teacher handled things badly, too. Yes, you should have been told a week ago like the other parents. No, grad and parties and behavior issues shouldn't be lumped together.
I'm glad it all worked out and I'm glad he's leaving such a fussy school and teacher behind!
I'm glad he gets to go! It didn't seem quite fair and if he was sick, he should've caught a break because of that!
So glad he gets to attend his party! He sounds like a really great guy, Anon.
I don't understand why you feel like a failure as a parent (well, actually, I do - it's that old parental guilt thing).
But, look at what your son is like. He is befriending a kid that no one else will befriend because he thinks this boy needs a friend and needs someone who will show him (model for him) the right way to behave - and maybe it makes problems for your son sometimes, but he is willing to take that risk because he thinks it is the right thing to do. As a long-time social justice activist, I have always believed that sometimes you have to break the rules because the rules aren't right, as long as you are willing to pay the consequences of breaking the rules. Sounds like your son has learned that lesson very early and is capable of making decisions based on his own sense of what is moral and not just what the rules are.
He has the 2nd highest score for good behavior. Most of his "late assignment" marks came while he was sick, and he really didn't deserve them. AND, he went to his teachers himself and sorted the situation out - which means that he is taking responsibility. All in all, sounds to me like you are doing a great job there. I don't see any "bad behavior" there.
Yes, your son needs to know that if he has a problem he should communicate with you and you may be able to find a way to fix things -it's always good for a kid to know his parents are on his side. But how nice for him to know that he was able to fix it himself - and how nice for you.
On the whole, it sounds to me like your son is doing a good job, and if it were me I'd praise him for finding a way to take care of it himself, and relax a bit. Sure, it would be a good idea for him to pay better attention to grades and behavior marks, and maybe this experience will help him learn the importance of keeping on top of that so that if he gets bad marks that he truly doesn't deserve he can deal with them in a timely manner. Other than that, I can't see anything he is doing wrong.
By the way, I think it is very unfair and even wrong to have the class celebration limited only to those kids who are "good" kids. If this is the end of the year party for the class, it should be for the whole class. I am really opposed to this dividing the kids into good kids who deserve a party and bad kids who don't for this kind of event.
I don't think much of "helicopter" parents - parents who are always hovering over their children, fixing all the problems, intervening with teachers over every little thing, and always blaming anyone other than their child. Their kids don't have a chance to learn how to take responsibility. These are the parents I've read about who call their college grad kids' prospective employers to urge them to hire the kid, and negotiate the salary and benefit package for the kid. Yuck!!
I do think the teachers should have checked the attendance pages before they entered marks for late assignments - that's just sloppy. I went through something like that with one of my son's teachers and fortunately my son had kept all of the (marked and graded) homework papers that the teacher said, looking at his record book, that my son hadn't turned in. There are times when parents do need to intervene, but that has to be a once in a while thing unless your child has a really poor or really unfair teacher.
Frankly, Anon, I think you are doing a pretty good job as a parent, so give yourself a break and a little pat on the back - right on top of the pile of guilt you have loaded on your back.
Ditto everything Ginny said. 
I don't think it was appropriate to have such a big reward for the "good kids" and not the whole class. They could have come up with a smaller reward for the "good kids" like gift certificates to ChuckECheeses or something.
My son's school does a field trip for the last elementary class (4th grade here) and this year it was in February and they took a trip to a ski resort. WOW!
I hope my son turns out to be as kind and mature as yours.
Yesterday, I was wondering why he didn't get a little credit, for hanging out with the boy, who has no friends. He was doing something nice and modeling good behavior! That should have counted for something!
Ditto Ginny!!!!!!
Ditto Ginny 100%!
You should be incredibly proud of your son for being willing to take responsibility for his actions and for handling the situation himself. That shows an amazing amount of maturity for a young boy. You have clearly done many things right! Be proud of both of you.
I hope he has a wonderful time at the party!
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