Need to vent about my mom (long)
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2007:
Need to vent about my mom (long)
I'm going anon just so my name isn't googled with this but it's Melissa.
Most of you who have been here for a while know about my family issues. My Mom is an ex-drug addict, current (never ending) alcoholic. The whole world is against her, out to get her... yada, yada, yada. Same old story of every alcoholic. My stepdad is a ex-alcoholic and no longer drinks but seems to pop in and out of my life and has said some hurtful things along the way that i've learned to just get over or ignore, for the sake of Kaitlyn and Nathan to have grandparents. After all, most of what I hear is hearsay and they don't talk bad in front of the kids (or me). I can't confirm or deny what i've heard. We're in the "good stage" right now and he has stepped up lately since my Mom has pulled her latest stunt.
Anyhow... my Mom is back into heavily drinking. She was drinking and driving a few weeks ago and totaled her truck (single car accident). I had at her since my MAJOR pet peeve is drinking and driving. There is NO excuse for it! Period. She was driving home from a bar 1/4 mile from her house. Idiot. Anyways, we haven't been on the best of terms since then and I haven't personally talked her to her about 2 weeks. My stepdad called to tell me that she jumped on a flight to Florida 2 days ago to meet up with my natural father who is another alcoholic and my Aunt, who is a current coke addict. (Gotta love my family, right? Great contributors to society.) I haven't seen my real Dad in 12 years and neither has she. The reasoning behind this, I don't know. But this is a recipe to disaster and she's headed right to her grave if you ask me! She has still yet to call me and let me know that she has left. Tomorrow is Kaitlyn's birthday. Nathan's is a few weeks later. They have their birthday party next week and my marathon just after that. There is A LOT of stuff she has committed to helping us out with during that time. That's not my issue though, I have back up sources. My issues is with my kids. I have dealt with a completely dysfunctional, unhealthy family life since I turned 11. I'm the only one of my 3 other siblings that seems to lead a normal life considering what we've been through. That said, I ABSOLUTELY refuse to subject my own children to what she's put me and her kids through.
Kaitlyn's birthday is tomorrow. If my Mom doesn't step up and at least have the nerve to call her and wish her a Happy Birthday (the least she could do) i'm seriously considering cutting all ties and telling her to just stay out of our life until she can get her act together. I've witnessed occasion after occasion of Kaitlyn crying because my Mom promised that she would visit and never showed. Now I just don't tell Kaitlyn when she plans on coming. My Mom has done the same stuff to my youngest brother growing up among other things (he's 15 now) and my poor brother suffers do much emotional damage from her that it's saddening. I'll be damned it she carries it on to my kids.
Anyways.... I know that generally family sticks together no matter what. But, is it ever okay to get to a point in realizing that the family or a certain family member does nothing but damage everyone and poison relationships and you now want to move on? I mean, she's my Mom so saying this makes me feel guilty but I have to protect my kids, right? *My* kids wouldn't lose out on too much considering my Mom hasn't made an effort to see them since Christmas and lived 45 minutes away. Yet she found her way to the bar 4-5 days of the week. She called *maybe* once a month in the last few months. What are my kids really losing?
Help? Suggestions? Anything. I can't believe I ever survived growing up in my family. Dh tells me time after time that he's amazed at how well i've turned out and how responsible I am considering the people who raised me. I'm starting to agree..... 
Oh, and if I left anything out feel free to ask questions. It's hard to explain and remember everything since it's been going on for so many years.
OK, Is it Ok to move on? Absolutely!!!!!
There are toxic people in the world and no you do NOT need to keep them in your life. Your family (yourself, hubby and kids) come first! If a relative is not bringing anything positive into your life, then remove yourself from that situation. I learned a long time ago that grandparents are not necessary in a childs life. Surrounding yourself with people who love you and want the best for you is important. It is difficult to deal with toxic relatives. I have been there and done that. I wanted to change the situation, change them, etc. I learned that I can only change myself and how I respond to the situation. We have limited the toxic people in our life. We avoid contact with them as much as possible and when we are around them we choose not to get caught up in their drama.
I am sending a big hug your way! You should be proud of how you are living your life!
Yes, it's absolutely ok. I have a similar situation where it's more detrimental for my boys to see their maternal grandmother than it is if they don't. I had a difficult choice, like you. And like you, I realized my children didn't need to be hurt like their mommy was.
Your Dh is absolutely correct. You turned out to be a wonderful person (from what I've gathered here at momsview).
Whenever you doubt your decision, just continue to ask yourself, "Will this help or hurt my children?" That question is what gets me through. HTH
I think it is more than ok to cut off toxic people in your life. Hugs to you, it sounds like you've been having a pretty rough time lately with her.
Ditto the others. Well said Yvonne! You have to do what's right for your family, first and foremost. ((HUGS))
But, is it ever okay to get to a point in realizing that the family or a certain family member does nothing but damage everyone and poison relationships and you now want to move on? I mean, she's my Mom so saying this makes me feel guilty but I have to protect my kids, right?
YES! Ditto Yvonne, Ditto Enchens...
Think of it as tough love. I come from a totally dysfunctional family, extended family is full of alcoholics, etc. Even some of my kids have had those issues.
I could have written much of what you wrote above, and I know how it affected my kids too.
IMO, as painful as it is, you are making a MATURE decision and protecting yourself and your kids from more emotional pain.
You have every right to set boundaries and make certain demands where YOUR family is concerned. One could hope that your ultimatum would give your mom a reason to straighten up. And if it doesn't, then you just have to accept that and continue on with your life. You are trying to set a good example for your kids, you are trying to protect your kids and your family from this pain and disappointment.
Melissa, you will always feel the hurt from what you have been through. But it is up to you as to how you let it affect your life.
It's absolutely OK to cut her, or any other toxic person out of your life. There is always the possibility that she will be worthy of being back in it in the future.
But do what is right for your family NOW. And please, go to AlAnon or go to talk to someone. Don't let this eat away at you inside. You have NO reason to feel guilty, don't make the mistake of carrying that burden too.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Ditto everyone else. You should do what you feel is right for your family.
{{{{HUGS}}}}
I so agree.. I have taken myself out of my extended family for the past two years. I just couldn't keep doing it.. Toxic is toxic and blood doesn't make the pain any easier to take...
You need to do what is right for you and your children.. They are your family and should be your main concern. If mom is toxic and hurting you then maybe it is time to step back...
((((HUGS)))) you know we are here..
Thanks ladies. As always, I appreciate your advice. Looks like i've have some cleaning up to do in my life, family wise. The best choices aren't always easy.
Happy Birthday Sweet Kaitlyn!!!
AN UPDATE, KINDA:
On May 21st I let my feelings get to me so I called my Mom and laid it all out and told her exactly what was on my mind. And basically the end result was that she now knows that i've given up on her and my and her relationship isn't whats important to me right now. I wanted her to step up and be a grandma or not be involved at all. She called Kaitlyn the next day (her birthday) and wished her a happy birthday and was off the phone in less than 2 minutes. I didn't talk to her. She hasn't called since.... it's been almost 3 weeks. Kaitlyn has been asking about her nonstop so I finally told her that grandma moved away to live with her sister. She keeps saying "but I love Grandma." I feel so bad for her. I don't know if I should break the barrier and let Kaitlyn call her or if I should just leave things how they are and let my mom make the first move. I don't want to force her to be a part of Kaitlyns life. And to be honest, i'm really bitter about this situation but i'm trying to be the better person and not show anyone that. But my decision making has definitely been affected.
I probably would not let Kaitlyn call her. Given her track record (your mum), it might end up hurting Kaitlyn more.
good luck Melissa.
Ditto Colette...
I also have a mother who's not into kids.She still hasn't called the boys for their b-day,which was 3 days ago.I dislike my mother's husband alot.He talks inappropriate infront of the kids and my mother is his puppet.My mother had 6 kids and really didn't want us and it showed through her actions when we were growing up.I confronted her a few years ago and let it all out.It made me feel better.I went through years of thinking I had to do this/that because she is my mother NOT.I did not choose to be born and I did not choose to pick her for a mother.I have my own family now and they come first.I went through alot of emotions when I had Katie.I realized it didn't cost anything to love and nuture and feel this new kinda love that I never felt before,thats when I realized how selfish my mother was.My mother's husband is not welcome into my home so it makes it difficult for her to come.I don't really care though,if she wants to see her grandkids she could find a way,she's a big girl.She lives only 15 minutes away and has seen my kids 3 times in 2 years.I don't dwell on it anymore and I'm ok with it now.It took sometime to not feel quilty about not calling her or looking for her approval.I hope you come to some kind of arrangement with this and do what's best for you, where you can have some kind of peace within yourself.It's really ok to just move on....{{{HUGS}}}
Tripletmom- It's hard for me because my mom WAS the type that always wanted kids and we were the center of her universe growing up. Somewhere along the line though she decided she needed to "do things for herself" which is fine but along the way she dropped her kids (one who is 16 and still *needs* her) and her grandkids without so much as a care. She has been completely involved in Kaitlyn's life and has adored her up until recently.... when her drinking got out of control. She even tried throwing it on me that she's not close with Nathan because we didn't let her in the delivery room this time. Excuses, excuses! I think that's why i'm annoyed and hurt. I know what she *can* be. And it's not what she is now. I've dealt with this "other" person that she is since I was 13. I guess it's about time I realize I won't get the mom I know back... ever.
Colette- Thanks for the advice. I was leaning towards what you said but didn't know if I was just being bitter towards her.
Maybe part of hitting rock bottom and getting help involves family disassociating themselves and taking a stand.
It's hard to have a mom that's needy when *you* need her. I'm sorry you're going through all this!!!
{{{HUGS}}}
{{{HUGS}}} I'm sorry Melissa. I went through all the confusing emotions too.The only person to help your mom is herself.Do what's best for yourself and kids and follow your heart.Put your time into people who care about you...its just to exhausting spreading yourself to thin to please everyone.Time heals...but never completely.
{{{HUGS}}} I agree with Tripletmom.
What matters most is that your being a great mom and looking out for your childrens best interest first. As long as you keep doing that, you'll find your answers. Hopefully you have a good support system with friends that have become family. Protect yourself and your kids emotionally, you don't need the drama.
Melissa, if I can offer a teensy bit of unsolicited advice?
My mom was an alcoholic. At one point in my life when I was very young, she was very involved with the 3 of us girls, she was on the PTA, was room mother for all 3 of our classes, very active in the extracurricular things that were done at the school, was involved in our Brownie/Girl Scout troops.
She was drinking a lot way back then, but we were too young to realize what was going on. She took to sleeping on the couch and we'd have trouble waking her up to drive her carpool rotation. Once she and my dad divorced, she wasn't involved in ANYthing we did. She went to work - worked very hard, in fact - but came home, immediately mixed a drink, made dinner, etc., and continued to drink until she went to sleep. She never socialized, never dated after that, had no friends. She began exhibiting so many phobias - fear of elevators, fear of heights, social phobias, claustrophobia, fear of fire, severe depression...the list goes on and on.
When I married my X and *inherited* Jules and Jason, my mom made a huge effort to be a wonderful grandmother and welcomed them into our family with open arms. When I had Jeff and Jen, she was an adoring grandmother, made sure there were interesting and education toys and books at her house for them, she loved spending time with them, and they loved spending time with her.
BUT - through this all, she continued to drink. I made it clear very early on, she was NOT to drink when she was with any of my kids.
Gradually though, her drinking again took over and she lost interest in anything other than drinking and watching TV. She was clearly depressed and refused to see a doctor, take medication, and self-medicated with alcohol. Our relationship again suffered, as did her relationship with all the kids.
Then she became ill with cancer. She HAD to stop drinking. She already had neurological damage from the drinking, as well as liver damage, malnutrition, among other things.
I did my best to take care of her until she died 2 years ago. We talked a lot - more than we had talked in the last 40 years. But even with all the newfound communication, she would never admit that any of the previous periods of limited or no contact, or any of the problems with our relationship or the relationships with any of the 4 grandchildren, had anything to do with her drinking and choices.
So, after all this rambling, what I'm trying to say to you is this: Your mom obviously struggles with depression, feelings of insecurity or inadequacy, whatever, she is trying to escape. I felt the way you do - that I'd never have the mom I wanted, the mom she should have been, the mom she could have been. There's nothing you can do to change the past. You can only make a certain amount of efforts to change the present in hopes it will change the future.
So, if cutting off contact with her at this time is the right thing for you, and your kids' and your emotional well being, by all means do it - but do it in a way that leaves the door open for the future. It took my mom having a terminal illness for me to really appreciate all the good, positive things about her, and to see what a complex and talented person she truly was - even if most of them were things that were in the past. I finally accepted that she had issues and problems, many of which were beyond her control, but that it had been her choice not to get help for them, and that none of it was fault.
I loved her for who she was, and because she was my mom, and most importantly, I forgave her for NOT being the things I had wanted or expected her to be - I accepted the fact that though SHE had made bad choices, she had done the best she could do - even if it wasn't good enough for me a lot of the time.
So I just want to say to you, do what you have to do for YOUR family now, DON'T feel guilty for doing so, if you need some help dealing with your feelings about it all, by all means, get some help, and leave the door open - even if it's just a tiny crack - to let her back into your life at some point in the future.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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