Adult children
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive May 2007:
Adult children
Sometimes it is so hard to watch your adult child going through something, make an adult decision, handle things like a grown-up, and hurt anyway.  With adult children, you can't hover and make things better with ice cream, a skating trip, a rented movie, or any other distraction.
Jen is my baby, and after 4 kids, I am in uncharted territory here. When Jules was this age, she was in the USCG stationed in Hawaii, and informed me of what had happened in her life AFTER the fact.
Jen has been with this boyfriend for a few years, last year she said she was going to marry him. The past few months have gone downhill. I actually like him less each time I see him. They have been living together for a while and she has been considering leaving him for months. We have had a number of talks about relationships, when it's time to move forward, how people change and grow, what commitment means, how to decide what you want in a partner, physical attraction to other people........like I said, a HUGE number of conversations.....In the last month, she has pretty much decided she wants to break up with him and move back in with us.
She's been staying here for a week, just got up, threw on some clothes, said she had to go break up with G, NOW. I asked her why she had to do it after being awake for 10 minutes and she told me, I don't want to be a cheater, I don't want to be with him, I need to do it now before anything happens that makes me think less of myself.
I asked her if she was OK, and she said no. I asked if she was going to BE OK with it, and she said yes. She said she has to do it RIGHT NOW.
So I guess my job is to sit here and worry. LOL
{{{HUGS}}} to both of you. It does sound like it's time for her to move on, though.
Oh, Karen - I have so BTDT. Lots of hugs.
{{{HUGS}}} Better to move on now if that is how she feels. Kids yea think once they are over 18 it gets easier...sometimes that is just not the case.
Let us know how she does.
((((BIG HUGS))) to you Karen.
Wow, I am impressed. She is actually doing really well. Not upset, not crying. She told him she wanted to break up and be on her own and find out what she wanted for herself in life. She said he supported that, and even thought he wanted the same thing (she is almost 23, he is almost 25). So she is staying with us, and we just had a conversation about how much a person changes and matures and grows between the ages of say, 18 to 25, and that now is the time for her to discover what she wants out of life, what kind of partner/mate/husband she wants, what things are important to her, where she stands on marriage, kids, religion, politics, etc. She pointed out that she has never *just dated*, she either had a boyfriend or didn't, but she never dated different people. I told her to use this time to explore other people (guys) mentally/intellectually, and take advantage of the opportunities she has, both in her job, and socially, to meet different people and then take it from there.
I am really proud of her for handling things in the manner that she has. I've noticed in recent months how much she is maturing (again), and becoming more considerate and respectful of us, and our home.
She's been making a huge effort to pick up after herself, keeping her room clean, cleaning up after herself in the kitchen, not abusing our new furniture, etc. LOL She's done thoughtful things like bake things for us (and clean up afterwards!), pick things up from the store and tell us we were welcome to eat it too, empty the dishwasher without being told/asked.
I know I probably sound ridiculous, but the old timers here know the hard times Jen and I went through when she was a teenager, and it's just so heartwarming to see her growing in these ways. Don't get me wrong, she still has a way to go in some areas. She still has a selfish side, in that she wants to spend her money on HER and run short at the end of the month for bills. But that is even changing too.
I have a feeling the tears and hurt *might* surface later on, and that's OK. Even when 2 people agree on making a break, it's still painful and those strong feelings of love just don't disappear overnight, even if you don't want to be together.
Thanks for the support, I really needed to *talk* about this! 
"College guy" broke up with me, when we were 23. I guess it wasn't destined to work out, for life. I think he did me a favor and that I found a MUCH better guy, with Gary!
Wow, very impressive. She is turning into a very mature, responsible young lady! I know you are proud of her Karen, and you should be.
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