My DH has asked me "how big of a deal" do I want him to make of Mother's Day and our anniversary, which happens to fall on the Monday after Mother's Day this year. How in the world do you answer something like that? I am the type of person that buys gifts all the time for no reason because I like giving gifts to people. But to ask me how big of a deal it is to me. I have no clue where to even start to answer that.

Any suggestions?

By Angellew on Thursday, May 10, 2007 - 04:45 pm:

How about throwing it back at him and saying "As big of a deal as you think I deserve as a wife and mother!"

Then, stand back and hope for the best!

By Enchens on Thursday, May 10, 2007 - 05:07 pm:

My first reaction to your DH's question was "What?? You're kidding." Then I thought, well, most men don't ask and then end up doing less than we expect, or less than we prefer. So I think he's trying to be smarter than most men and asking so that he doesn't disappoint. I think Angela's question would do. I think that's what I would tell my dh is he were to ask me.
BTW, we have our anniversary on Saturday, right before Mother's Day. So we'll see what happens.

By Tarable on Thursday, May 10, 2007 - 05:21 pm:

Thank you ladies, I know he is trying, I just have a really hard time telling him what I expect because I don't have any real expectations as long as I am acknowedged and not ignored

I am going to tell him to get with my kids about mother's day and see what they want to do. and tell him that i would like something for our anniversary either a gift or to go out to eat or something.

Thank you.. I was just kind of shocked by the questions so I had no clue how to answer.

By Cocoabutter on Thursday, May 10, 2007 - 05:44 pm:

I love the answer that Angellew gave. I agree, as long as it's *something* I don't care what it is. But, I am not the type to dictate a gift, unless I see something I really want, and Mother's Day, B-Day, Christmas, etc. might seem like a good excuse to ask for it.

For your anniversary, I would just ask for a quiet night alone, just the 2 of you. Have fun!

By Karen~admin on Thursday, May 10, 2007 - 05:55 pm:

Ditto Angela!!!!

BTW, *early* Happy Anniversary!

By Tsa on Thursday, May 10, 2007 - 11:06 pm:

oh no no no no. that isn't fair. i think he gets huge points for remembering. then if there is something you want or want to do ask. that way you won't be disappointed and he won't be set up to fail. happy anniversary

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, May 11, 2007 - 06:01 am:

I agree with Theresa (Tsa). The guy asked because he knows it's important to you and he wants to make you happy. So tell him and don't set him up.

By Mrsheidi on Friday, May 11, 2007 - 06:49 am:

It also might be his way of saying, "How much money should/can I spend?" If given no direction, my DH would deplete our entire savings. So, he also asked me what I would like to do on Mother's day. I think men don't want to dissapoint us with what they buy, what they plan, or how much they spend. They really do want to please us!

Happy Anniversary!!!

By Karen~admin on Friday, May 11, 2007 - 08:57 am:

Good point, Heidi!

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, May 11, 2007 - 10:28 am:

Agree, better of him to ask and know what you are thinking then to assume and ruin the day.. Most that would not have been able to decide what to do would have done something really lame or done nothing at all... Give him his props, help him out and enjoy your days... Eventually he might be able to figure out how to do the good husband things you will appreciate, until then it is not a bad thing to have to give him a heads up on what you would like... In my opinion, the fact he asked shows he cares to make you happy.. And him asking is a whole lot different then you demanding a gift/special night...

If I have my heart set on something, dinner alone, how is DH to know if I don't speak up.. Asking isn't bad, getting mad because you don't get what you want would be a bigger issues with me...

DH and I have started traditions, things that get him out of having to over think gifts and allow me to look forward to certain days.

My sister and BIL have started the same thing in their marriage. My BIL takes my sister to Wendy's (fast food) every year for their anniversary. It sounds like a cheap date but it has meaning to them.. He asked her to marry him at the Wendy's they go to.. For mothers day, he gets her the same flowers he got for her the day she gave birth to their daughter. Every holiday has an underlying meaning and a special type of gift/outing... Probably seems lame but it gives them a moment to look back and remember why and how they have gotten to the point they are at.. It also takes away the perfect gift stressors... Those she can and will buy for herself.. I think the fact that he remembers what she wore the day he asked her to marry him, means more to her than a new ring would ever mean..

By Nicki on Friday, May 11, 2007 - 12:56 pm:

I don't know, I guess I'm thinking this would bother me if Dh said this to me. I think it's the way he said it as opposed to his intentions. My dh would probably come to me and say, "What would you like to do on Mother's Day?" I can understand why you were put off, Tara. Yet, I know with my dh, he often will phrase things in away that bothers me, and when I tell him I'm bothered, he doesn't have a clue! I'm like you, I don't expect anything, but would be hurt if I wasn't acknowledged. A heartfelt card means a lot to me, and it wouldn't mean the same if I had to ask for it. KWIM?

By Reds9298 on Friday, May 11, 2007 - 10:54 pm:

Go Angellew! I agree! Perfect comeback. I would be p***** if DH asked me this.

For me, I guess it just seems that he's supposed to know what I would like/enjoy for Mother's Day - he's my husband and *should* know me better than anyone else. I have a really great marriage, so maybe I'm in dreamland somewhere. At least he should be close, even if it's not the exact thing you might want/hope for.

The way he asked bothers me. We will discuss $ for certain holidays through the year (like how much should we spend for our anniv. this year or do we have a budget for birthdays) simply for financial reasons. Mother's Day and Anniv are COMPLETELY different occasions.

I would feel let down. If it's not obvious that Mother's Day and your Anniv. are a big deal, I'm speechless. We've all been doing Mother's Days for our whole lives, it's nothing new what is expected on that day - appreciation for the Mother! Getting married is one of the most important things that two people do and is a huge endeavor. Again, no news flashes there. Sorry, I'm getting mad for you!
I hope everything works out and you have special days for both doing whatever makes you happy!

By Cocoabutter on Friday, May 11, 2007 - 11:30 pm:

Deanna, I totally agree. In a good marriage showing appreciation for one's spouse should be a no-brainer.

When dh picks something out for me for a holiday or b-day, I want it to be something that *he* chooses to give me. I don't believe in making demands on my gifts. They should come from the heart, from *his* heart. If a guy is afraid that he will get the "wrong" gift for his wife, maybe his wife is too difficult to please or he needs to get to know her better.

By Tarable on Saturday, May 12, 2007 - 11:09 am:

Well I think he is having a hard time with Mother's Day because my kids are not exactly being very helpful this year, they are all into their own things. They have not said a word to him this year, so he is trying to get them involved.

As for our anniversary, I think he has something but wanted to know more if I wanted a night out alone with him or if we were going to celebrate with the girls since it is on a week night and their father isn't going to be seeing this for 6 weeks (that is normally when we plan things alone is when they are at their fathers every other weekend). I think it was more of if I wanted to try to find a sitter and all that.

By Cocoabutter on Saturday, May 12, 2007 - 02:58 pm:

Oh. So "How big of a deal do you want me to make of it?" actually meant "How hard to you want me to try to get the kids involved in it?"

Yeah, men and women communicate with 2 different languages.

By Tsa on Sunday, May 13, 2007 - 11:35 pm:

so how did he do. did he pass? lol

By Tarable on Monday, May 14, 2007 - 09:52 am:

I would give him an 85...

Mother's Day was a pretty big failure, he didn't ever take the girls to pick anything (not even a card) out for me. We went out for dinner because I told him I was not cooking and he was either taking me out or he could cook, so I guess he didn't want to cook either. But dinner was fun and made up for a lot of the day.

As for the anniversary, well he did pretty well.. He may not be the most romantic but I love him anyway. He bought me a new computer, which I have been wanting for about a year maybe more. And we are going to go out tonight alone.

By Dawnk777 on Monday, May 14, 2007 - 09:59 am:

A new computer is a nice present. Enjoy your meal tonight!