Going Anon - need motherly advice
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Going Anon - need motherly advice
I am having trouble dealing with my teenage dd's attitue. She is in her early teens. I have always considered myself a good mother, but lately, I am cracking up. Everything I do is wrong, everything I say is wrong, it seems I can't do anything right anymore in her eyes. About a month ago, I asked about one of her friends. This girl in particular was having boyfriend issues, and wanting dd to know that I care about her friends too, I asked about a certain situation. She went on to tell me that it was none of my business how so & so runs her life and that she was not going to answer my question because I needed to mind my own business. I was livid and didn't know what to say. My DH was sitting right there and did nothing. When I ask her about things, she gives me as little information as possible and her voice always has a "tone" when she talks to me, and when I confront her about things, she in turn tells me all the things I do wrong and learns nothing about what I am trying to confront her about. I try to be very gentle when I need to talk with her so when I say "confront" I don't mean it in a bad way. Three times now, I have asked her to do something for me and she has flat-out refused. She is either too tired, or says that I am closer to the kitchen, or that she is always doing that so she is not going to do it. Again, my DH is nearby and says nothing, but I do make her do what I tell her to do. I just can't believe the gall, that's all. Anyway, I could go on, but I think you mothers with teenagers know what I am talking about. Any advice would be helpful.
I'm not sure I have advice, but I remember being like your daughter in some ways! I well remember the 'tone' and I still have it in fact...it's a guarded tone because I felt my privacy being invaded. Your DD may feel that you are judging her friend and her boyfriend troubles just because you are asking about it. You may be genuinely concerned and interested with no judging going on, but in your DD's eyes you've stepped onto ground she doesn't want you on. If she did, she would have come to you with the issue. Because she didn't come to you, she may have felt you were barging in and she wasn't sure what your intent was (to help, to advise, to judge, to chastise, to get info to pass on to her friend's mother, etc.) She's dealing with hormones and big changes and is no doubt feeling uncertain and uncomfortable with her increasing age. Some kids like their mother to see them thru these times, some kids push their mother away. It's best to just be there, but not push (and I'm not saying you're pushing) and wait for her to come to you as long as she's not into anything dangerous.
She should not be telling you what you do wrong, but I'm wondering if she's doing that because with her new age she feels increasingly inadequate and dumb herself, feeling SHE doesn't do anything right. If you confront her about things, no matter how gently, she's going to feel horrible about it and turn it around and dump on YOU to make herself feel better. Her attitude about chores or what you've asked her to do is unacceptable and she should just be told firmly that she is to do such and such PERIOD. Definitely talk with your husband and tell him how important his support is and that DD needs to see a united front.
This is more about HER 'not doing anything right' in her own eyes, than about you. Just try and lie low and be her rock when it comes to teen issues and friends, but also stand firm and demand her respect and obedience, while giving her her space.
Good luck...I had rocky teen years and put my mother thru a lot of pain. If it goes on too long it's hard to ever get a normal relationship back.
Ok, but at what point am I "cutting her slack" or promoting that victim mentality that teenage girls can so easily fall into?
I also suspect that her teachers are cutting her slack because she has gains sympathy from them.
The thing is, it's so hard to express myself without people thinking that I'm some kind of ogre-mom who doesn't cut her kid any slack. Trust me, I am very fair and loving and kind.
I always thought that it was up to the parents to ask their teenagers questions to keep a line of communcation going because if it were up to teenagers, we wouldn't hear a thing. Oh my, I have so much to learn.
I should have begun my post by stating that my oldest is eleven, so I'm not quite where you are yet, so my experience comes ONLY from having been a teen, not the mother of a teen. My advice could really stink, LOL!
I wouldn't cut her slack in the chore department, or the 'be respectful' department at all. I would take note of any increased homework/responsiblities/sleep requirements that might now affect chores and adjust those if necessary. She's definitely not a victim, IMO so I think just by not treating her that way you won't be promoting it.
I don't know what's going on with the teachers...is she not doing homework or something and getting away with it??
I'm sure you're fair and loving and kind...so was my mother. But *I* didn't see it that way IN THE MOMENT. However, my mother DID push too much into my privacy. I felt so uncertain and was such an idiot much of the time and it was embarrassing to have her intrude. I wanted to pretend no one noticed my idiocy. 
Well, as for the 'line of questions' I don't agree with that. It's the QUESTIONS that drove me NUTS when I was a teen. I think you need to be AWARE and alert, but I'd avoid the questioning. If your DD knows you are available and won't pepper her with a million questions she's more apt to come to you. As I said before, if you feel she's doing something dangerous then yes, you need to question her and get your answers and don't stop until you do. But if she's just being moody or private or introverted, I'd ease off. I know you adore her and want to know everything that's going on in her life, and I know it's frustrating that she doesn't tell you, but I do feel you'll find out more just by listening and not asking. You said if it was up to the teens parents wouldn't hear a thing....that's true to an extent...but I think each teen truly does need her space and if that space is given I think most of them come around and let you back in. Dark car rides are good places to talk...you can't see each other so expressions are hidden and you feel more free. If she has evening activities you drive her home from you might try carefully drawing her out then.
Kudos to you for loving her so much and wanting the communication...it's just such a delicate balance!! Again, I'm not quite there yet so I'm just speaking from my own teen experience.
All I can say is I am right there with you! My dd is a great kid, but the way we speak to eachother is about to make me a raving loon! I fall into the nasty talk as much as she does because I see it as such a lack of respect.I am reading The Five Love Languages of Tenneagers, it's a great perspective on different thought and feeling patterns for teens, how to approach them in a way they'll "hear" and to create a mutually respectable relationship. It's definatley not easy, I see her going into he own and I am proud of her decisions, but find myself "lecturing" instead of "communicating", it's almost like I'm afraid of her having her own thoughts and making mistakes so I lash out when I disagree and vice versa. I'm not sure that your issue is the same, but it's a struggle for sure. I agree with Kate, questioning her is when our problems arise, and if I shut up and listen she is always willing to share lots with me, it takes me to not jump in with the perspective of a 37 year old, but rather support her and be aware if there are REAL issues to deal with.
Let's hang in there together
Not wanting to tell you about her friend's problem may stem from her feeling like she is betraying a trust, this is something a lot of teens have a problem with. The rest of the stuff about her being disrespectful has to come to an end, but I have found with my dd who is only 12 and my best friend who has a 15 year old dd that if you make sure they know that you will only try to help and not judge her friend (or tell her friend you know) then if the problem becomes more than she thinks they can handle she will come to you. Communicating with a teen (from my own experience as a teen and watching my best friend with her dd) works better if you just talk and not question everything. Try to give advice by saying when i was a teen this happened and we did this and tell how it turned out even if it wasn't a good turnout, sometime it helps to know your mom was a teenage girl too and that you had the same kinds of problems.
I don't have btdt experience with my own dd but I know that is how my mom and I talked and it really helped that she didn't question my every move about everything. I hope what I am saying makes sense and helps.
Kate, you asked about the school issue. Well, she is on honor roll, and yet I never see her crack a book. She has done the teacher/sympathy thing before and that is why I have to wonder.
I did have a BIG talk with my DH and he definitely understands how I feel, so hopefully, I will see a little more support from him in the future.
I do understand what you all are saying about the whole issue with communication. If she didn't want to tell me anything about her friend, she could have said that she prefer not to talk about it instead of telling me in a "tone" to mind my own business - her exact words. I will take your advice though and just let her know that I am here for her and then let her come to me.
I agree that you should not ask about her friends' personal lives. And, I agree that if she wants to talk to you, she will initiate it.
HOWEVER - and it is a big however, I think you, with dh's support, must immediately put your foot down on the whole issue of respect. By that, I mean she must use a respectful - not nasty, harsh or loud - tone of voice when she speaks to you, she must NOT use disrespectful words, and when she is told or asked to do something, she either does it or has a good reason (like a broken arm or the flu) why she shouldn't have to do it. And dh MUST chime in when you tell her these things.
Vice-versa, you and dh should use calm, respectful tones of voices when speaking with her and not put her down or use disrespectful words or phrases.
As for the Honor Roll, you may not see her crack a book because she does her studying at school or in her room. If she is actually on the Honor Roll and this is not just something she is saying with no kind of way to prove it, I find it hard to believe that every single teacher is giving her a pass on the sympathy thing. I have a son who was hard to trust and I often did not trust him - and as a result, he began actively working to prove to me that he couldn't be trusted. I think you have to try trust, at least on this matter, until things are proven otherwise.
Good luck...I'm sure I'll be coming to you in a few years for help!!
As for the 'tone' and 'mind your own business' instead of 'I prefer not to talk about it'. Well...we're grown ups and we know how to answer those types of questions. Teens don't always know. She might have instantly felt alarm or on guard from what she might have felt was an intrusion or extreme invasion of privacy (or she may have felt you were headed on course to disapprove of her friend) so she might have just instantly overreacted with the whole big NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, just to make sure you got the point and didn't go any further. I'm sure it didn't occur to her to tell you she simply didn't want to discuss it. My eleven year old can take a tone and be rude, too, believe me, and I, too, think was that NECESSARY?? Couldn't she have worded that better?? I totally didn't deserve that reaction!! But while I chastise for the tone and explain a better response, I do, in my head, know that buttons can be pushed and limits reached that I'm completely unaware of, not being in the throes of eleven year old emotions!
When you guys are calm and having fun, I would remind her of the time when she responded in an inappropriate manner. (Do it in the car on a highway where she can't leave.) Then, give her some words to say instead of "mind your own business" and LET HER KNOW IT HURT YOUR FEELINGS...sometimes teens don't know what else to say and it helps when they're prepared to articulate it in a non-hurtful manner...
Like... "I don't feel comfortable sharing that information but I appreciate your concern." Or, "I think so-and-so would be mad if I shared her information with anyone but I'll let you know if the situation if harmful to herself or anyone else."
Just let her know that you're there for her and give her specific situations like "WHen I was young, I didn't know who to go to for such and such and now that I'm older, I wish I had trusted my parents' or my family's advice, etc." Tell her that, while she is going to learn some things the hard way, that it pains you to see her shut you out. It's not healthy and, when push comes to shove, family is really all we have!
Teens are mostly around other teens and can seriously push the boundaries. The whole disrespect thing would be hard for me because my mom let me push her around and she never once stuck up for herself...had she said "I refuse to let you treat me this way. If you want a place to sleep, food to eat, and a supportive mother, you will treat me with the same respect I treat you. Period." Some silence towards me couldn't have hurt either...it's not a game but rather a way of showing teens that they do truly need you and if they expect any communication, they better apologize first. It also gives everyone a cool-off period.
It also might help for her to see how others treat you with respect...maybe in the workplace, or have your DH talk one on one with her.
And, possibly have consequences for attitudes. I would take away things that mean the most to her. Cell phone, allowance, etc. She can be angry, and she needs to know that, but talking that way to you disenegrates the love and respect you have for each other.
Above all, give her a plan of action for her anger...if you've asked too many questions, give her the words to say "back off" in a nice way. If she is angry, give her and yourself a place to go and cool-off. Then, when you're ready to come back together, talk about it and BOTH parties have to say "Ok, I won't do this anymore" or "I'll change the way I..."
Does this make sense? You could also agree on consequences for specific things so she knows what exactly is going to be taken away if she gets disrespectful again.
When I taught high school, I had little skits that they had to perform to show them the right way to handle things and the wrong way and what specific consequence was to follow. My classroom management was the best in the school because there was a plan of action in place for almost every scenario. (Disrespect, stealing, lying, unpreparedness, etc.) They knew exactly what would happen if they chose the "wrong way".
Heidi has great advice. The other thing I would add is when you have this talk, also say very simply it isn't okay to talk to me that way, when you do I will let you know. So next time she smarts off, you just say, watch your tone, or something.
This is one of those things that I think is part of the age and it will pass. BUT i think you can't ignore it or it will only get worse.
Among my friends we often discuss there are not many differences between the 2 year old, the 13 year old and the first year in college. They all try to test those boundries and establish independence!
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