I just found out..
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive April 2007:
I just found out..
that my partner's almost 20 year old son is a dad. The baby is 8 months old.
I'm completely in shock. We're moving in together soon and all of a sudden I'm basically a grandma.
I guess he hasn't told anyone until now because he's been worried about the reaction we'd all have. My partner is completely floored and doesn't know what is going to happen now although he wants to see the baby. We've seen pictures and she's very cute (what baby isn't) but I wasn't at all prepared for this kind of news and I don't know what to say or how to react or anything.
The mother and the family are I guess saying that his son and family won't be involved in the babies life...but my partner says she's one of ours too.
I'm feeling completely lost at what to do right now.
No matter what her parent's are saying, that baby is a part of you partner's son too, so for them to deny involvement is ridiculous unless there are extreme circumstances (violence, drug involvement, etc... which I doubt there is) I can't imagine what a shock it was to you & your partner. Just be supportive is all I can advise. ((((hugs))))
Yikes! I hope you can all find a way to be involved in the baby's life.
I'm not sure what your problem is. The son is not your son (though do realize that some day in the future it could be). The baby is not your grandchild. And while you and your partner are moving in together, it is relaly not your problem.
What you do is take your cues from your partner. You say he feels the baby is "one of ours", so clearly he intends to try to have the baby and the baby's mother be a part of his life. Which means that unless you object very, very strongly, both of them will be a part of your life. And if you object very very strongly, you may find that you and your partner have to have some serious discussions.
Truly, if it was me, I would take each day as it comes and see what happens. Unless you have strong moral objections to having anything to do with a girl who had a child out of wedlock and need to have that discussion with your partner, there is not much you can due other than take your cues from him. Of course you weren't prepared. If the "he" who hasn't told anyone is your partner's son (which is how I read your sentence), your partner probably wasn't prepared either, and is also probably in shock. If the "he" is your partner, then maybe you do need to talk about the importance of sharing what is clearly important information - like the fact that your partner is a grandfather of an 8 month old granddaughter.
Having three adult sons I can tell you that it could easily have been me - except that I would have been the one being the grandma for real, not just by association. And, like your partner, I would have felt that this baby and the baby's mother were "ours". I can't imagine not wanting to have one's grandchild be a part of one's life, no matter what the circumstances.
I do hope that the family is making it clear to this young man that whether he marries the girl or not, whether he plays an active role in the child's life or not, he has at least financial responsibilities, and should not try to weasel out of them.
But still, unless you have strong moral objections, I don't think your role is other than to take your cues from your partner and be supportive. And ooh and aah over the cute baby pictures. (And do try to not get trapped into babysitting unless you really, really want to be taking care of an infant again.)
I understand that you are surprised. But like Ginny, I don't understand what specifically you are worried about. Are you wondering how to support your partner? Are you wondering if you even want to continue with your plans to move in together? Are you wondering how involved you really want to be in this entire situation?
or all the above?
My opinion of this type of situation is that the child is innocent and it's looking like she is becoming the rope in a game of tug of war. Your partner's son only has the power to refuse to sign away his parental rights. It wouldn't be right that he be forced to pay child support yet not have any contact with his daughter. It is my opinion that this baby girl deserves the right to have an intact 2-parent home where the mom and dad are committed to her well-being, like adoption may be able to provide.
But, regardless of what you or I think, it is out of our hands. The power rests solely with your partner's son and how hard he fights for his parental rights. If it comes to pass that your partner is able to have contact with his granddaughter and be a grandpa to her, then if I were you I would support that. The more people in this child's life who truly care about her and her well-being the better for her.
Follow your partners lead... And plan to love that baby if you are given a chance... She doesn't know that her daddy was afraid to tell anyone.. I think that would be my biggest issue.. Not the fact that the baby is here but the fact the your partners son was afraid to tell his father that he was having a baby.. One of the most joyous times of your life and he couldn't share it with him??? That is the part that has me concerned.. Everything else can be worked through.. Including her parents... But there has to be an issue somewhere in that family that needs to be healed before those bridges can be crossed...
I can not wait to be a grandma.... My niece and nephew are my adoptive grandkids (long story) and I LOVE having them around and being a part of their lives... They come over here quite a bit and at 2 and 4 they ask to come to my house because they love me so much... LOL
Does your partner have a relationship with his son??? Does the son live with your partner or is he on his own?? I'm just wondering how you hide the fact there is a baby, for 8 months, plus the 9 it took to get here.
Does the son see his baby?? Why would the girls family say the son won't have anything to do with the baby. Did he abandon her while she was pregnant??
Strange situation. Hopefully everyone can work together to figure this out.
Good luck.
I mis-read your post, Anon, and somehow jumped to the conclusion that the boy and his family were the ones who didn't want contact - my error. I can understand why either family would not want to have contact, but the bottom line is that this boy is a father and the little girl deserves to know both of her parents. I hope that he is taking whatever steps are required in order to get visitation with his daughter (as well as paying child support, of course).
I agree follow your partners lead. It's his son and the decisions should be up to him. Of course he should consult you if you are going to be part of his family also. But ultimately its his decision. I can see where it would be a shock though. Just support them all in there time of need is what I say.
Well, If I had a daughter that had carried a baby for 9 months and raised it for 8. I would assume the fathers family new.. I would also assume that they wanted nothing to do with the child because they had made no contact in over a year.... I will also assume that, since I am throwing out assumptions here, that the son has had no party to the pregnancy, birth and raising of this baby.. And that her parents may very well have just cause to deny their family contact, or so they think in their minds...
There are fences to be minded between the two families. Your Partner and his son need to work on a bit of communication.
Oh question, your partner son is almost 20, how old is this girl????
We really don't know that many details yet regarding her age or why we haven't been involved in the life of this baby girl. I've seen pictures and now that I've had a bit of time to absorb the shock I'm hoping that my partner and his son are able to sort this out and that there will be involvement with this little girl without a huge fight. I feel for the family of this little girl probably thinking that his family knew and wanted nothing to do with them or her. I sincerely hope those fences can be mended.
I don't have any bad feelings towards the girl at all being an unwed mother. I had my oldest child very young and it sounds like her family has been supportive helping her with the baby.
I agree so much with what everyone has said and I need to thank you for all the support and wise words. I agree it's not really my problem to sort it out. I do plan to be supportive and follow my partners lead and I've already been awww'ing over pictures 
I've calmed down a lot since I found out on Thursday night and had time to absorb some of the shock now it's just a matter of taking it day by day like ginny said and see what happens.
It doesn't change how I feel about my partner or his son or us moving in together it was just a shock that she's 8 months old and he didn't tell any of us. Now it's a matter of taking it day by day and seeing what happens and hopefully we'll be able to work it out to have the chance to share the life of this baby and her mother with her family regardless of whether he marries this girl or not.
I do think the biggest issue for me is that his son didn't tell anyone that he had this baby. I don't understand why he kept it a secret all this time. The pictures we've seen are of him at the hospital holding her and everything so obviously he's been involved to some point.There is still so much that we don't know.
There are a lot of things you won't ever know or need to know... But I am glad that you do know he has at least known about her even if your partner hasn't... Be glad you found out now because so many kids grow up and the fathers family had no clue the baby had ever been born..
I think the first issue, is going to be your partner and his son having a talk about needing to be honest with each other about serious issues and him loving his son no matter how large the mess up may seem.. If your partner doesn't feel that way then he needs to recognize this won't be the last time his child/ren hold something back from him and he had better get a grip on his expectations.. If it is something the son has miss read about his father, assuming he is judgemental etc.., then he needs to explain to him that he isn't that way..
This should be a lesson learned... Life is too short....
I hope you all can figure out what you need to know so that they can take steps to be in contact with that baby girl... and I am glad you are on board for this... Hopefully it will be something easily talked through...
Oh and remember her family may not know that you all didn't know about her or the baby...
I hope you can work something out with the girl and her family. Your partner's son and family should be involved in this baby's life. Also, this baby is a blessing! All babies are. I hope I'm not too premature in saying congratulations!!! Even if it is 8 months late. Hugs.
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