Hi-It's been forever since I've been here (sorry!) but it's been a bad year. My dad was sick for a very long time and finally passed away two months ago. I live in another state, as do my siblings, and Mom & Dad decided on cremation, with no burial (they didn't want us to have to feel obligated to "go" anywhere to take care of a grave site). Trouble is, I WANT a place to "go" to visit Dad. We haven't done anything with the cremains yet (Mom has them at the house in a box.. she doesn't intend to display them in an urn or keep them permanently), because us kids haven't been able to get together to scatter them anywhere. Dad didn't really have any wishes as far as that goes, either. Mom says "there's no rush." My siblings don't seem to care where to scatter them..I'm the only one having issues. I want to be able to go home to visit a place...I don't want to have him scattered somewhere. I also don't want to bring some back to where I live now...I consider my home to be where I was born and grew up. Some have told me to plant a tree or something, but that's not what I want. I know it's just his body, and that it's not "him," but I want a place. I need something. Can anyone offer advice?

By Karen~admin on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 10:56 am:

There are mausoleums where you can have his cremains put to rest. If your siblings and/or mom want to scatter his ashes, you could scatter part of them, and keep part.

We did that with my mom. We scattered her ashes in several different states/locations, and my sister kept some in an urn.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad, Janet.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

By Jelygu on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 12:24 pm:

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that I am sorry for the loss of your father. I hope you are able to find a solution that offers you the closure you need.

By Emily7 on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 02:14 pm:

My mother had my grandmother cremated & then she was buried in MI with my grandfather & her infant son in the family plot. It was done that way becuase we couldn't get back to MI to have her buried right away.

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 02:33 pm:

I'm sorry for your loss.

By Dandjmom on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 02:41 pm:

I'm sorry for your loss. I understand needing a place to go.You said hat your mother doesn't intend to keep the ashes. maybe you can ask if you can have them and take them home with you and place in a urn and keep, then I understand home is considered where you where raised, can you maybe afford a plot or mausoleum that you can place his ashes in?

By Colette on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 03:01 pm:

Ask your mother if you can have them or part of them. We had my mil cremated in December. The original plan was to bury the ashes with her son who died as a teen. When it came down to it though, on the day of the funeral, it just didn't feel right to bury her. So we asked the kids one more time if they wanted to bury her or keep the ashes at my house. They wanted her here and my fil was fine with that. So we had the funeral home divide the ashes. A small bit was buried w/her son and the rest are in a pretty, rose cloisonne, urn that is kept in my kitchen/dining area on an old cabinet. The kids put things near it as the different holidays/seasons come and it just feels right to have her there. When my fil comes over for dinner and sees her there, I think it makes him feel a little better to know that she is still very much a part of all of our lives. So if I were you, ask your mother if you can have all or at the very least, part of the ashes to keep. You can have the funeral home divide them if you don't want to.

By Hol on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 05:48 pm:

I personally have a problem with dividing the ashes, but that is just ME. I think the person's remains (and cremains) should stay together.

That being said, your Mom is probably holding on to them for a while to deal with his passing. It is a part of him to have near her for a while. That's why she said that there was "no rush".

Since your siblings don't have a preference, maybe your Mom would give them to you when she is ready. After all, they would have to go to SOMEONE when SHE passes. Then you could safeguard them until you decide what you want to do with them. I love Colette's arrangement. Since you don't live near your home town, maybe you could put them in an urn and inter the urn in your yard, and create a memeorial garden around it. If you ever sell the house, you can dig up the urn and take it with you. You might want your Mom's also, when the time comes, so you can keep them together.

There always seems to be one of us in a family who is the sentimental one. I am it in mine.

I am SO sorry for your loss. Just know that your Dad is really in a wonderful place with no sickness or sadness, and that his cremains are just the vehicle that carried his real self around while he was here. (((HUGS)))

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 07:12 pm:

Two months is a very short time. I suggest to you that your mom is still grieving and mourning, and until she has reached a place where she can begin to move forward, if it were me I'd leave the whole question alone.

I can tell you that after my mom died, and was cremated, it was almost a year before I took the step of placing her ashes in the niche that had already been purchased and already contained my father's ashes in the Columbarium in my church. (My church has set up a Columbarium - essentially, a small section off the balcony that was previously a place for crying babies. We had one wall set up with built-in niches - a wall filled with cabinets with doors, very nicely made, in walnut, with small brass plaques. Many church members are using this Columbarium as the place where a loved one's ashes are placed. We started with 70 "niches", and are thinking about adding another 50+ on another wall. My brother is there, and my parents, and some time this year I will pay for a niche for my final resting place. I like having a place where I can go and sit in one of the easy chairs provided, and just think about and maybe even talk to my family members, and I think others feel the same way. But, it took me a year before I was ready to do that for my mom, because it feels so final to put the container in the cabinet and close and lock the door.

Give your mother time. She will probably tell you when it is time to "do something" about your father's ashes. And the right time will be when your mom thinks it is time.

By Bobbie~moderator on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 08:59 pm:

Janet.. I am so sorry for your families loss. I agree that maybe your mom needs more time.. She may not "care" where he goes but she may not be ready to make that last step just yet...

What exactly are you thinking you would like to see done with him??

By Latonya on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 09:03 pm:

My grandfather died a year and a half ago and he donated his body to the Univ. of FL for research. Before he died the small town I live in had made a memorial for war veterans and I bought a brick for him (he was in the Korean War). It was done on July 4, 2005 and he died Oct. 6, 2006. I was so glad we did it when we did. The university will keep his body for 2 years and then cremate what is left. My mom had the option of having them returned to her or the university would scatter them over the Gulf of Mexico. She decided to let them scatter the ashes because she didn't think she could handle the pain all over again. So now I have a place to go to "visit and talk to him" if I need to. But to be honest I don't go there much because I know he isn't there. If I want to talk to him I just go to a quiet place and talk to him. He was very adament(sp?) about us not being sad for him and spending alot of money for a funeral or anything because he did not want to put a burden on my mom and dad or anyone else. My mom and dad took care of him for about 2 years. He was totally dependant on them and he hated it. We had a memorial for him at my parents church but we went to the funeral home to see him to say our goodbyes. It was just the family and he was on a table with a sheet over him in a room at the funeral home. There was no casket or anything like that. But it was all we needed because we knew he didn't want anymore. I miss him terribly. I miss talking to him and listening to his stories but he was in so much pain and not in his right mind at the end and I would never wish him back here even if I could. I know he is with my grandmother and that was all he ever wanted.
I am sorry for going on about my loss but I want to let you know I understand what you feel because I felt that way for awhile. There was nowhere to go that he was at. No grave or anything but I knew in my heart that him giving his body to research meant alot to him and it would maybe help alot of other people.
I am sorry for your loss but his body is not where he is anymore. He left that body to go on to another life. I believe in reincarnation and I believe that souls need to rest before they come back. So I believe he is resting and watching over you and your family.
Give your mom a little time and she will decide to do something. She may just not want to let him go yet. She will let you know when it is time.

By Annie2 on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 11:32 pm:

My parents were cremated, by their wishes. We did not keep any remains and buried them both, at different times, together.

When my mil passed away, the family scattered her ashes at different sites, buried some under her headstone in her family plot. Dh ended up with some of her remains. They are kept in her old desk, my desk, at the very top in an old Korean box, she loved. I find it comforting that she is still here with us, in this way and am sad that I do not have some of parents' remains to keep. They are buried in MA and I am in Fl.

Let your mom have more time and then decide what to do.

On a funny note. One day my dd called me. She was in a panic. She said she was taking down a book from my desk when she knocked over a box and she is covered with white powdery stuff. I said, UUmm, that is your grandmother! Go rinse off but don't vacuum!

By Cocoabutter on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 12:37 am:

When my dh's best buddy's mom died, they planted a new sapling tree in her back yard and scattered her ashes around the bottom. Now that is HER tree, and it grows and flourishes every year, reminding them of her life.

The only decision left would be the location of the tree.

By Colette on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 09:39 am:

You can also do a memorial garden. If spring ever gets here, we are doing one for my mil. I am planting some of her favorite flowers and buying a bench or swing of some sort so that when the kids, fil or any of us are missing her we can go there to think about her.

By Nicki on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 10:02 am:

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad, Janet.

By Sandysmom on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 10:12 am:

I have no advice to offer, just ((((BIG HUGS))). I'm so sorry for your loss.

By Janet on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 01:21 pm:

I was talking to dh about it last night, and I think I'll ask for some to take for myself, and then we can do whatever with the rest. I know it's just his body, but I am very sentimental, to the point where I really wish there was going to be some type of headstone marking his name and dates. It's a bit disturbing to me (for whatever reason) to think he'll just be gone with nothing to mark his life (again, I know intellectually it's just a marker and not really the measure of his life, it's just important to me). I don't know how much it costs to bury an urn...I wouldn't put it in my yard, though (I think that's even illegal, isn't it?). I don't like the idea of having it up on a shelf, but I have no other ideas. What did I really want done? Well, I would like to have the urn buried and marked in a cemetery where the other family members are buried. But it's not what Mom & Dad wanted, so there you go. thanks for every input..

By Emily7 on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 01:36 pm:

I have heard about this, but not sure what it costs.
LifeGem

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 03:16 pm:

I think I would want a grave and headstone, to have a place to visit.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 06:06 pm:

Janet, What about a stone for your yard.. Nothing HUGE, but something that if you moved it could easily be moved with you. Or a bench with writing on it. That you could go sit on a talk to him.. A tangible object. Maybe you could look into having the urn some how places in the bench..

We have missed you Janet, I still think of you in the cheerleader picture when I go over the funny, difficult times we have had as a group.. LOL

By Janet on Friday, April 20, 2007 - 10:25 am:

Thanks... I just haven't been too motivated to do much else but work. Dad was sick for a very long time, and being 600 miles away was draining. I spent a lot of time traveling back and forth, trying to help Mom and just be there for her. He was at home to the end, with hospice, but there was a lot of personal care that we took care of when no one else was around...I found a strength I didn't know I had and was able to do things I never dreamed I would do. It was incredibly hard. One other major blessing I received was that I was there when he died. My sister and brother weren't, but Mom & I were. I got to at least have that.

I'll try to be around more..thanks for your friendship and caring.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Saturday, April 21, 2007 - 12:16 am:

Yes you sure do at least have that.. most people miss out on those final moments and would give anything to have made it... Only arriving minutes late...

(((JANET)))

Hope you do make it around at least more than every six months (or longer)... LOL

By Hol on Saturday, April 21, 2007 - 12:57 am:

Janet, a big HUG to you. I, too, watched my Dad linger and suffer from cancer for a very long time. He passed away in the hospital very early in the morning. I think he wanted it that way, with no one around. However, I did see him the night before and got to tell him that I love him. He was surprisingly lucid despite the morphine, but people frequently rally just before they pass. I also watched my MIL die from cancer and my FIL from a stroke, so I know how hard it is. My Dad and my son (who passed very suddenly) are buried. My in-laws were creamted, by their wishes, and interrred in a columbarium.

No, it isn't illegal to bury an urn in your yard. A body, yes, because of health regulations. However, the ashes are very sanitized, and the urns are very sturdy. I know folks who have buried an urn and then took it with them when they left.

Again, my deepest condolences.