I was watching the VIEW last week, or maybe two weeks ago. They had this guest cohost who was a news reporter or something like that. Anyways, she said if you are married and have sex less then 10 times a year then it is a sex less marriage. If you are having sex, how can it be sex less?????
I read a few different things on the internet about this, and it said the same thing.
I just dont get it, if you are having sex, then how can it be considered sexless?

By Trina~moderator on Monday, April 2, 2007 - 07:56 am:

Hmm, well "sugarless" doesn't necessarily mean "no sugar". It means "less sugar". So, if a couple is only having sex 10x in one year that's definitely "less sex". LOL! NOT a marriage I would want to be in, BTW!

By Anonymous on Monday, April 2, 2007 - 08:17 am:

Well, unfortunately, that's us! My DH & I have a genuine friendship and respect for each other and we're both great parents. He has a bad back which limits things. Even so, I get so depressed about our sex life. I'm still a young woman and to be honest, I've even considered divorce because of this. But, If I did that, I'd be considered petty and be shunned by the family. So, what do I do? I just go around frustrated all the time.

By Trina~moderator on Monday, April 2, 2007 - 08:50 am:

Anon, if my DH was physically limited or had medical issues I would totally understand and deal with it. I love him too much! Sex is nice but in the grand scheme of things, a small part of a marriage. There are other ways to be intimate and to release sexual tension. {{{HUGS}}}

By Bobbie~moderatr on Monday, April 2, 2007 - 09:24 am:

I think that this is nuts.. Sexless marriage?? I think you should have sex as often as you both agree to have it. The fact that they are keeping statistics on something like this annoys me.. Honestly, most people lie through their teeth when it comes to sex (as well as other things). It is like we are placed on a rating/ranking scale, like a basketball stats sheet and we must perform at a certain level to meet the requirements for the draft/the perfect marriage..

We have to be the perfect woman, the perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect house keeper, perfect cook and now we have to have the perfect amount of sex... Perfect according to who's standards???? Who gets to choose what these standards are??? As if life doesn't carry with it enough stress, now we get to be told what a sexual failure we are too??? We are too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too cute, too ugly... Too this, too that and too worried that we are falling short to realize that the very people that come up with these statistics are only trying to prove they are better at something than the rest of the world is... If you don't believe it they can sell you the book or you can pay for the seminar so they can help you to point out all your short comings.. Then you can buy this other book or attend these classes in which they will show you how to fix it, what ever it might be..

By Anonymous on Monday, April 2, 2007 - 10:28 am:

Anonymous, get a vibrator and stop being so frustrated. Let him know you are using it, and maybe he will figure out a way to make love with you without hurting his back.

By Nicki on Tuesday, April 3, 2007 - 03:39 am:

Bobbie, I really like your way of thinking. SO true! As you say, "Perfect according to who's standards????" A very good point.
You are so right.:-)

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, April 3, 2007 - 09:17 am:

Nicki, it is a bunch of bunk.. We hear this about everything. Breast feed, don't... Co sleep, don't... Cry it out, don't.... Argue in front of the kids, don't.. How much is too much holding, how much is too little.. If your kid can't count to ten and say primary colors by 3.. If your child isn't potty trained by 2... If your primary clothing consist of cotton and sweats then... If you don't take the time to apply makeup then.... Take this diet pill, do this exercise and don't weigh more than..... If your boobs aren't at least a C cup then... God forbid we age naturally and learn to embrace the beauty with in us... Now they have a book out about how all the women that are staying home to raise their kids are going to end up poor because they aren't planning for their future... IF IF IF IF........... Top that all off with the fact that we need to lay down and play excited at least once a week so that our marriages aren't considered sexless???? Because some woman is out there playing like she is wonder woman and some man thought he should let the world know what is the acceptable amount of sex to expect...... Because after all (lying through his teeth) his wife (the one with the nanny) is dressed to the nines and laying in bed when every his heart desires...... First of all PUKE, second of all WHATEVER!!!

It is like the childless person writing a book on how to be a parent... A person that has never been married or divorced multiple times writing a book on marriage... A couch potato writing a book on sports... Or a sports fanatic blaming weight on pure laziness... Everyone has an opinion, research can be tainted towards the side/opinion of the writer and some people are just plain nuts.....

And marriages fall apart over garbage like that.. Greed and comparison are some of the leading causes of issues in a marriage and lead to divorces daily.... Some body is going to see that and find that as grounds to leave their spouse... After all, sex is so important in a marriage right???? What about respect, understanding, forgiveness???? People tell us how much to expect from our husbands and if they don't do as the books say he should then he is a no good.... If a book says that women should XYZ, then dang it we are not a good woman, spouse, mother etc....

Walk a day in my shoes and then write a book for me.. Otherwise, I will never fit on any ones scale of perfection.. I am short, fat, getting old, my children (like me) aren't perfect, my house isn't perfect, my marriage also isn't perfect, I am far from a P*rn star in the bed..... and I kind of like me and my life just the way it is...... it works for me because I make it work for me..... We would all be better off reading a book/listening to a show on self acceptance... less of the what we are doing wrong stuff would be grand.... We might actually see the value in our own lives and the lives of the people around us....

By Sandysmom on Tuesday, April 3, 2007 - 09:19 am:

Ditto Bobbie!

By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 3, 2007 - 09:26 am:

For the last 4 years of my 9 year marriage, we had sex just once a year. To me, that is basically sexless. We were in our late 20s/early 30s and that is not how a marriage should be. There was nothing wrong with either of us. He just wasn't interested. I thought I could live like that, but after a while, I realized that I couldn't. I wanted out, but my husband wasn't too eager to let me go. I went to counseling with him because that's what he wanted. He even said that he wanted to stay married to me, but if I needed to get physical with someone that I could go out and do that. But that's not what I wanted. I just couldn't be in that marriage anymore. Our divorce was finalized in December. Of course, there were other factors as well, but this was the big one. Everyone's marriage will be different, but I know that I did the right thing for me.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, April 3, 2007 - 09:28 am:

Oh and by the way... Since I am no longer working towards getting pregnant, haven't been in 15 years.. Girls (10) were far from planned.. I don't even know and couldn't even tell you how often I have had sex in the past month, forget the past year....... I have a hard enough time remembering that I need to get milk when I walk in the store, I don't worry my brain about something like that... When I need it, want it, DH needs it, wants it, we do it if the time is right for both of us... Not just because we have to do it because ya know sex is important... Our marriage just might fall apart otherwise or so they say... I have almost 20 years under my belt that can prove to you otherwise...

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, April 3, 2007 - 09:45 am:

Anon, You had other issues in your marriage.. If you are only falling short of your own standards in a few area's it is different circumstance.. Some people just shouldn't be married.. But others focus on one thing such as sex and they allow the marriage to fall apart.. There are other ways to achieve sexual gratification other than the act of sex as suggested above by one of the other Anon's.. I have had people in my life that are so focused on their sex life, the fact that DH doesn't take out the trash etc.. That they loose focus on all the good things in their lives and it all becomes all about that issue.

It sounds like your Ex had some major issues.. and I am not thinking you should have compromised in a case where there were other factors that led to your divorce..

But people place a focus/ a strong focus on such a minor factor that can be over come by other means and this alone leads to divorce.. Your spouse has to be more to you than just your sex partner... And for that to happen you have to build a bases of trust and understanding.. If you can understand the reasoning and trust the persons intent then it is different then just being cut off from the person...

By Kaye on Tuesday, April 3, 2007 - 10:09 am:

I have heard said more than once, sex is a ver minor part of a marriage until it is gone, and then the lack of sex becomes a huge drift in a marriage.

I think part of the issues here is this crap is written by men. When my hubby went in for his vasectomy, there was a brocure about being tested, etc. It said you should be sperm free (and to go test) in about a month or 30 ejaculations! Even he laughed about that, at the time we had 3 kids under 5, we didn't have time for daily sex even if we had the desire!

Men think so differently about sex. It is an act, like brushing their teeth, it just needs done and it feels good. For women it is just so much more, it is hard to be in the mood when other things are out of whack.

However, having sex less than 10 times a year being called a sexless marriage. I can see that. It certainly isn't a sex "more" marriage. If everything is going well in a relationship, health matters with standing, I do think less than once a month is something worth looking at and saying, wait a second what is going on here.

Like Bobbie said, I haven't been trying to get pregnant in many years, so I couldn't tell you how many times this year I had sex. But I do know when I am happy with life, if it is more than an week I really get an itch. that I would like scratched.

By Reds9298 on Tuesday, April 3, 2007 - 12:57 pm:

I have a family member who has sex quarterly with her spouse and they are very happy. I would be nutso personally and very UNhappy, but they are happy so go for it. Apparently that is enough sex for them to be fulfilled, so then I wouldn't call it "sexless".

On the other hand, I have a friend who had sex with her husband ONCE in FOUR YEARS. Now THAT is sexless. They have issues, neither is happy with that situation, so it's completely different.

Bobbie- Ditto everything!