Okay a single friend of mine has 2 boys, 8th and freshman. She found out yesterday that the freshman snuck out of his dad's house (during visitation) to see a girlfriend. So he left at midnight, got home at 3. The girl is an 8th grader. The bigger deal is he traveled close to 5 miles to see her on a busy road, near the interstate. The couple talked about it in an email and the dad of the girl read it and called his mom. She has given him the lecture, made him call the father and apologize for putting her daughter in danger. He spoke to his own father. But ultimately both parents said, I am too angry and disappointed to decide a punishment right now, we will let you know. Of course for my friend who is a softee, thinks getting caught is enough, but the father does not. So if this were your child, what would you do? Other maybe important facts, we have a curfew here, and the road he was traveling on has a BAD history of child abductions and murders (about one a year). Thanks for helping out.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 09:47 am:

Getting caught is nowhere near enough. The boy should realize, for one thing, that the parents of the girl could file charges against him for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. And, what is a freshman (9th grader?) doing visiting an 8th grader after midnight (don't tell me, because I don't want to know).

If it had been my child, it would have been at least two months solid grounding - that is, you come home from school and you stay there unless you leave the house with me, no phone unless I approve the call (and, in today's world, no internet).

If this sounds severe, think about it: dishonesty, traveling on a dangerous highway after midnight, sneaking a visit with an 8th grade girl (presumably without her parents' knowledge also, until after the fact). Any one of these is serious and taken together, I think they warrant serious response. And the father needs to work out some way his son cannot sneak out at night without dad knowing about it - maybe put in an alarm system on doors and windows, or the kid's shoes go under dad's bed every night.

By Debbie on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 09:53 am:

I totally agree with Ginny, just getting caught is not near enough punishment. I too would do some serious grounding...probably 1 month. I was grounded for a month in high school, and it was definitely an eye opener.

By Claire on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 10:09 am:

Ditto Ginny but like Debbie I would do a month any longer and the one being punished is you ;) lol

By Reds9298 on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 10:38 am:

Ditto Ginny.

By Tink on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 10:43 am:

Like Debbie, I'd ground for a month. At some point, the grounding just drags on and the lesson is lost. My other thought is...what do you use as punishment, if some other incident occurs, during the grounding time?

By Yjja123 on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 11:45 am:

I snuck out (and got caught) once as a teenager.
My punishment was severe (I thought). I was grounded for one month. This meant no phone, TV, extra curricular activities etc. The thing that sticks in my mind the most, was I was forced to scrub all the walls & floors in the house. Every room was scrubbed clean by me. I hate housework so that hurt. That punishment was worse than the grounding. My parents figured since I had so much free time (from the grounding) I should make good use of that time by giving the house a thourough cleaning. Rest assured, I never even considered sneaking out again!

By Karen~admin on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 11:46 am:

Ditto Claire. Learned the hard way when married to my X, very long punishments are counter-productive. My X used to ground Jules and Jay from one report card till the next, or for the most ridiculous things. Being grounded for months at a time was not effective at all. Jules has told me in recent years that she knew she was going to be grounded *forever* anyway, so she figured she would just sneak around and do whatever she wanted - since she was and would still be grounded anyway.

I disagree that getting caught is punishment enough. IMO, a strict punishment, not to exceed one month, but VERY strict and supervised is in order. That should teach a lesson. Then, when this child is off punishment, he should have to earn the trust back for the PRIVILEGE of having his social life. Scr*w up again, and he finds himself grounded again.

Yes, you have to send a message, but if you punish a child for a period of time where they can't *see* the end of the punishment, it loses its effectiveness and the child WILL find a way around it. If it were me, I'd punish him for a month, treat him like a child who is not mature enough to accept responsibility and cannot be trusted, and then at the end of the punishment, there would be a very serious discussion of rules, consequences of breaking them, the issue of earning the trust back, safety, etc.

Then you give the child a chance to prove himself, and if he scr*ws up again, he finds himself right back where he was.

By Mommmie on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 12:38 pm:

I snuck out as a teenager, usually during sleep overs at my friends' houses, but the one time I did it from my house I was caught returning (although they heard me leaving). I never did it again. I was so embarrassed. Once they knew I did it, the fun was taken out of it. I didn't get any other punishment except my parents were really mad. Well, I think they made me spend the weekend at the lakehouse with them which I hated. I don't think they called the parents of the girls I was with.

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 01:28 pm:

Personally, I would take the door off to his room and ground him for a month. (Pick the one thing he loves to do...internet, video games, and completely put it in storage.) Kids always want "privacy" but they can just as easily get dressed in the bathroom...all other privacy is OUT. That would be memorable.
That is seriously the most idiotic thing I've heard a middle schooler/freshman do. (And, I taught that age for 5 years.) I would also let the teachers know that he's grounded at home and should stay away from that particular girl. It takes 2 to tango...and you never know what they're trying to do at school too.

By Tripletmom on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 01:45 pm:

I totally agree with the grounding going on to long and the lesson being lost.The loss of privacy would have gotten to me as a teenager too.As noted above take away his most favorite things and maybe an apology to the girls parents for disrespecting their rules and their dd.Maybe having the kids visit a jeuvenile(sp)facility might help-regarding issues as teenage pregnany,drugs and where bad choices might lead them.This issue needs to be addressed in a strict way for sure.Kids NEED to learn from their mistakes and if I had to stay in for a month and not have a bedroom door I might think twice before I did something so stupid again.The worst feeling as a kid would be for my parents not to trust me and for them to be disappointed in me.

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 02:25 pm:

My parents tried to ground me for a month, once. I had injured my leg and still went to my friend's house to sleep over and didn't tell them until the morning. It all turned out fine, though. I knew I had broken a bone and stayed off it, at my friend's house.

Anyway, 2 weeks later, already, I was at a sleepover again. I think what this kid was more serious than what I did, though. Maybe a 1 month grounding and loss of the internet and/or video games.

By Kaye on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 08:16 pm:

Thanks for the advice, it is similar to what I told her. She thought I was so harsh. I very simply explained that in my world I would weigh out the consequences with act, and if it wasn't bad, I would repeat my actions.

They don't go to school together, they did last year I think. They just started going out, so I don't think they were actually doing anything serious (but who knows!).

Her biggest dilema is as a single mom, she is in nursing school and works, her children spent really too much time alone. So any punishment will be for both kids, because she would have to lock it away.