ok - my dd is driving me crazy. I guess I just need to vent, but I tell you, I am ready to put my head in a wall. She has a comment for everything and will throw my mistakes back at me. She will twist everything around. Where's the super glue so I can glue her mouth shut? LOL! Ok, I'm done.

By Jewlz on Sunday, February 25, 2007 - 11:39 pm:

remember to choose ur battles but on the other hand remind her to respect her mother .... oh and huggz ... its not easy with teens

By Claire on Monday, February 26, 2007 - 06:56 am:

Welcome to the world of teens ;) Try not to take it personally. Let the little stuff go and address the big stuff.

By Kaye on Monday, February 26, 2007 - 08:10 am:

LOL boy do I know what you are going through. I am told this too shall pass and be replaced with something I dislike more..rofl!

By Brandy on Monday, February 26, 2007 - 08:58 am:

heck nick is 12 and alex is 10 and they back talk me all the time = (

By Tonya on Monday, February 26, 2007 - 10:54 am:

My 8 yr old is talking back now like crazy so if this is what I have to look forward too bring on the super glue now!!

By Debbie on Monday, February 26, 2007 - 11:20 am:

I don't have a teenager, but I have an almost nine year old ds, that is definitley testing things. I am not a real strict parent, but I HATE back talk. It is just so disrespectful. I am trying to care of it now. I have found that when either one of us is angry, there is no use talking. I stop the discussion/argument until we are both calm. I have told him that back talk is one thing I will not tolerate...period. Any time he even starts it, I will punish him(taking away his playstation and computer games for a day, gets him every time) Lately, I have noticed that the back talk has stopped. He is still testing some, but I expect that, and deal with it.

{{{hugs}}} I am not looking forward to the teenage years at all!!

By Yjja123 on Monday, February 26, 2007 - 11:27 am:

We put an end to it very quickly by taking away privileges. Back talk is disrespectful and we do not tolerate it.
We do allow them to ask for a discussion, if they feel they are not being heard. This makes them feel like their voice is important and it is not always our word only. It has opened up our communication greatly. We have changed our mind a few times after allowing them to voice their view on a situation--not always but a few times

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, February 26, 2007 - 06:04 pm:

Yvonne, you're on a roll. Yes, your teens should be able to "discuss" issues with you - as long as they do it respectfully and in proper language. If it were me (and it was), I would say - when you speak to me disrespectfully, you will be (grounded for a day or two days or three days - depending on the level; or, lose the use of your cell phone for x days; or, not be allowed to watch television for x days, etc., etc.) State it up front, make it clear, and *stick to it*. Conversely, you must also speak respectfully and in decent language to your teen - it is a two-way street.

Above all, don't yell, don't argue, and if you get angry, say "I'm too angry to talk with you about this right now. We'll discuss it when I have calmed down and can react rationally." That does two things - you admit that you are angry and are not always rational when you're angry, and it sets a framework that difficult issues should not be discussed or decided in anger.

My middle son drove me batty, until we finally agreed that we would not discuss things when either of us was angry, and we'd take a time out. It really did work. And, like Yvonne, when I was calmly challenged to explain why I was reacting the way I was, sometimes I changed my mind or we worked out a compromise both of us could live with. Compromise does not mean that someone wins and someone loses, and it certainly doesn't mean that both people are happy - it means that you have reached an agreement where each of you gives up something and you can live with it. There are some things on which a parent cannot compromise, but there are also areas where you can compromise.

And, as Jewlz said, pick your battles. I decided early on I would not fight the battle of the hair - it just wasn't worth it. And when it came to what they wore to school (boys, remember), as long as it was decent in terms of covering their bodies, clean, and no nasty slogan t-shirts, it was their choice. But what they wore when they were with me reflected on me, so they wore what I could live with.

Girls, however - that is often a different story, since so much of what is "in style" for girls these days is, in my opinion, indecent or just short of indecent. And makeup is a different thing than hair, much of the time. I'm really glad I never had to fight that battle.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 04:46 am:

I guess what gets me the most is that whenever I ask her to do something, wash the dishes, sweep the floor, throw in a load of laundry, etc...., she ALWAYS starts in on why she is being treated unfairly. I admit, I hate housecleaning, but I do way more than my share and I always have a nice dinner on the table at night where we sit down as a family. A lot of times, since our house is small and we only have one bathroom, and we have younger children, (too young to take on chores), it appears to her that I have done nothing all day. That drives me crazy. I don't think I should have to justify what I do around the house to her. It's like she expects me to list off what I have done that day to prove to her that what I am asking of her is fair. I refuse to do that and I resent it when she does that.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 06:47 am:

You don't have to justify what you are doing around the house, and shouldn't. I suggest you say something like - You are a member of this family and will share in the chores, without grumbling or commenting. If you don't, you will start losing privileges. Discussion ended.

And if she continues to grumble or starts to argue with you - repeat "Discussion ended. Which privilege do you want to lose first?" But first, lay down the rules (see my earlier post).

It is normal for teenagers to think and say they are being treated unfairly. That's the "nature of the beast". Younger children do it too if they are near each other in age and can say "I never, I always, he never, he always" sort of things. My response, when I got the whine of "why do I have to" was just to say "because I'm a mean mother", but I don't think you can start that with a teen - I started it when the middle one was about 4 or 5. The oldest never gave me that kind of flack, but the middle one did, as did the youngest. I just started saying "because I'm a mean mother", and it worked. But, as I said, I think it may be a bit late to start that with a teenager. Your response now is "Because you are a member of this family and live here, and because I told you to do it."

The thing with kids is if you argue on their level, you are letting the kid control the matter by accepting that you have to argue with them or explain or justify yourself. If you set the rules and then just flatly say - this is what it is, kid, you know the rules and you know the penalties, and I'm not going to discuss it - you are keeping control. If she wants to "discuss" it, then you can set aside a time to discuss if you want to, but you have to be careful to not get trapped into the "fair/unfair" argument. She has a place to live, clothes, food, privileges, luxuries (I'm assuming she watches TV, gets rides to where she wants to go, has a radio, maybe her own TV, computer access, and so on), and in general gets a free ride. It is not unfair to expect her to share some of the tasks/chores that must be done to maintain a household, it's known as "doing your share". What is unfair is for her to expect you to do everything and her to have a free ride.

By Kaye on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 08:08 am:

Another suggestion is to have a sit down with her, NOT after one of these arguments and just talk about jobs. She probably doesn't realize just how much you do. I know a family in a similar situation, the mom had this talk and was very suprised when it all came together on paper, just how much she was asking her daughter to do. The daughter did say, "you had these other children and I feel like if I don't take care of them I have to clean the house and I am not ready to be a mom or a wife yet". It was a great conversation for them. In their case it was very unfair, the mom just didn't see it, so I was glad they finally talked.

On your dd's side, it is tough to grow up and have all these expectations, but still have that little girl inside. What she needs to learn is, it is okay to feel that way, but how she acts is NOT okay. Your goal needs to not change her feelings about things, but her attitude about them. Good luck!

By Kym on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 10:09 am:

We have talked about the book The Five Love Languages, a great book for marraige, on the board before. We (my dh and myself) are reading the 5 Love Languages of Teeenagers together to help us through the Teen years. Our oldest is 13 and a really great kid, but we know the time is coming when the fights/backtalk etc will start. This book is giving us alot of insight on what goes through their head, and it's not at all what comes out of their mouths! Just like with our spouse, it's important to know how to communicate with the kids so they know that what we are doing and saying is based on love and respect.

By Debbie on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 10:39 am:

I would also suggest a great book. "How To Talk So Children Will Listen, and How To Listen So Children Will Talk"

By Yjja123 on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 12:57 pm:

My children have had chores since they were walking. As toddlers they "helped" me fold clothing. By the time they were 5, they were able to fold laundry and set the table. They have a regular list of chores now. I think that is easier than asking them each day to do something different. They understand that, by helping with the boring chores, it allows us to have more family time. I believe that learning how is run a household is an important skill for all children.
I would give her specific chores. Explain that by completing them she will be rewarded (possibly more family time, or allowance, whatever). You can also set a guideline of consequences if the chores are not done (lost privileges).