Why do people some people say this?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive February 2007:
Why do people some people say this?
Why do some people say this? "Oh I could never handle that". I am talking about Faith. She is a horrible sleeper, she always has been. She has gotten better from a year ago. Her sleep is unpredictable. We can have the same exact routine. She may go a week straight and not get up once. Then she may go the next week and get up 4 nights.
She is in a big bed now. We tried to let her cry and settle herself, and she started climbing out of her crib to find me LOL...Anyways.She goes to bed really easy. Some nights she sleeps like 5 hours and gets up, and acts like she is up for the day. It is actually sorta freaky. I mean we put her back to bed. She is in there tossing and turning, whining, crying on and off. Sometimes this goes on for 3 hrs before she goes back to sleep.
I have told friends about this. 2 of my friends said "Oh I could never deal with this", and another said "I could never handle that".
Well what am I suppose to do? I cant MAKE her sleep.I have treated her the same as my other two kids, but they learned to sleep well..Faith, she has never grasped that concept. We have accepted that.
We always hope for the best.
I think some people dont realize what they are saying.
I wouldn't let it get to me. I think it's pretty much a *generic*/automatic response people give, as in so many situations.
I had 2 that didn't sleep either - Jeff not until he was over 2 y/o, and Jen until over 3 y/o, and once she starting sleeping @ night, she slept like the dead.
You have to remember that you always do what's best for YOUR family. I have one really good sleeper my 7yo and my 9 yo still doesn't sleep worth a darn. But you deal with it and move on. Good Luck.
I have said that before. I don't say it to be rude. It's more of a compliment. 
Maybe I'll rethink that now, lol.
ditto breann, I don't think it is meant to be rude. I hear it all the time about my kids, each one has their own little issue
Jackie, my dd is a poor sleeper, as well. She has a very hard time settling down to sleep, and when she was younger, she used to do like your dd, wake up after a few hours, wide awake. Like you, I went with the flow. She hardly ever wakes up and stays up now that she's four. Still, I understand. What works for some doesn't work in our family. Neither dh or I are sound sleepers, and I've had many nights I am up and wandering the house, so I guess it makes sense.:-) I have heard this phrase as well, and I think Breann may be right, it may be meant as a compliment. Yet, when someone says it to me, I tend to feel like they are saying, they "wouldn't" deal with it, lol. Yet, I follow my gut feelings, and so far I have no regrets. I really think in the long run, it all works out fine. The way I see it, I'm helping my dd figure out ways to settle herself, and how to handle those sleepless nights. It may be something she will deal with as an adult.
I'm glad you brought this up. I have to re-think this phrase, too!
You know, its not that I take it as a compliment. It is not that I take it as really being rude. My situation is just what is, nothing more nothing less. What I mean is, I cant force her to sleep all night every night, so we deal with it. What would be my other options???
You make a good point, Jackie. I mean, it would be like telling an adult with sleep problems that they may never have another sleepless night. Not an option.(!) At least not for me.:-|
It might be interesting to ask your friend, next time it comes up, how she would handle it. My guess is, she would say she would do as you are doing.
My rule, as a parent, is that you do what you have to do - whether it is dealing with a child who doesn't sleep well, a handicapped child, a hyperactive child, a (horror of horrors) teenager - you play the cards life has dealt you when it comes to children, do your best, and pray a lot.
I understand what you are saying, and I understand people who say "I couldn't deal with that". What is so frustrating is that there are a lot of parents who don't - don't deal with whatever that is. My oldest son was diagnosed as pre-autistic (and we were, at one point, advised to institutionalize him, for heaven's sake). (I should say, first, they didn't know anywhere near as much about autism then as they do now, and second, that my son is just fine, thank you, with a job he likes, a good consulting business, and living generally a happy life - and by far the nicest person in our family). But the way I was raised is that you do what you have to do, and what we did was find good special ed programs for our son, which we were able to find, and raise a really nice son. He was in special ed until 9th grade, and I saw a lot of parents who didn't deal. One woman, who was a good friend, had a severely autistic son, and her husband left her because he couldn't deal with it.
Some parents, some people just can't deal with whatever "it" is. And, unhappily, their families, and especially their children, pay the price.
Your other option, Jackie, as you have probably been told, is to get medication to dope your daughter up so that she will sleep - an option you haven't chosen, because you put your daughter's welfare ahead of your being able to sleep through the night. Good for you! I'm sure there are times you feel like crying right along with her, but you deal with it. I do hope she does start to sleep through the night - soon!
I always *think* that when I hear things about other people kids that I think that I personally couldn't handle well. I occasionally will say it before I stop myself! I don't want the other person to take it negatively. It just means (to me) that it's different than what my kid is doing. I'm sure there are things my kid does/has done that someone else "couldn't handle". I can see how it's taken negatively which is why I try not to say it.
Ginny,
While you always give great advice which is much appreciated, I have to take issue with your comment about "doping up" a child in order to help them become better sleepers. I am a parent who has had to put my daughter on a program of medication in order to help her break a pattern of night waking and poor sleep. I had to go this route because I felt that not getting sleep is bad for my daughter and bad for our whole family. I put my daughter's welfare foremost in everything I do. With the advice of her doctor we used Benadryl, which did not work and then Atarax which did, for a short time to alter her sleep patterns and get her into a longer, deeper, sleep.
Now I have a much better sleeper, a less cranky child and a happier family overall. Is this choice for everyone? I can't say that it is or is not. Was it the right choice for our family? Absolutely!
Do I sound just a little offended by your comment . I guess I am, but I'll get over it. I just don't want any other mom to have to feel like "less of a parent" or selfish because she chose one route over the other.
Jackie, you do what you feel is best. I know what you mean when people say, "Oh I could never deal with that" I would love to just say right back, you deal with what you have to, but I am often too polite to do it. Whe you hear someone say it, just think in your head that the person is really saying what you are strong.
Ame
I think people say that meaning it as you are strong for being able to handle such a tough situation. Yeah, it comes out wrong, but I doubt they mean it to be hurtful. I've had so many people say those things to me when they find out I have twins, but I just chalk it up to things people don't think about before they speak.
As for "doping" a child to sleep, I have to agree with Ame, sometimes that becomes the only option when a child is just not sleeping. Lack of sleep can be extremely harmful, and medication under a doctor's supervision should be looked at as a horrible parenting decision. It's not the choice for everyone, but it's a choice some make.
Personally I think those people really mean what they say....they couldn't handle it and they are glad they aren't in your shoes! So I can see how it would be insulting, even tho you say you are not insulted. I might be, though.
Ame, you went to your child's doctor and took medical advice, which is the appropriate thing to do. I wouldn't for a minute criticize a parent who used medication on advice of a doctor. It's one thing for a parent to medicate a child without medical advice, or solely for the parent's needs/wishes, and another thing entirely to have a doctor advise that it is better for the child to cut through bad patterns with short term doses of medications.
Each child and situation is individual and has to be taken that way, which is what I am sure both you and Jackie are doing. I apologize for offending you. I should have been clearer in my wording.
We did go the Benadryl route at one time. I think about a year ago, maybe longer we brought this issue up with the dr. She suggested Benadryl for a week, to get her in the habit of deep sleeping and no waking. I guess it worked for awhile. My husband had tried to use it on and off ,but it didnt really work any longer. I did not want Faith having something every night.
We also got a prescription cold medicine from the dr as well, to help her sleep during all the colds she was getting. Her sleep became even worse when she has a cold, and she gets a lot of them.
I feel that she needs to learn to sleep through the night with out any aids. We tried what the dr suggested, and it worked somewhat. I just dont want her to become depended on a mediciation to make her sleep.
Jackie, I can honestly tell you Helen is a better sleeper and is not dependent upon medication to sleep. All it did was break that pattern of waking during the night and her needing to call for me. It made her wake a bit and then fall back to sleep because she was drowsy enough to do so. Then, slowly, we reduced the Atarax dosage. She was off it completely and sleeping fine until she got a cold and needed it to dry her up.
I am not advocating medication, just sharing my experience.
Thank you for your apology, Ginny. I'd hate to have you think I was a bad mommy .
Ame
My dd didn't start sleeping all night until after she was 2 also. And it was draining. But you do what you have to do when you love your kid. For some it's break the cycle with the meds. For me it was getting a big bed and sleeping with her for about a week. When she woke up, I was right there, she was secure and it made her happy. After a few days, she stopped waking up and slept all night. And I got to go back to sleeping with dh.
And people say dumb things. There are some people wh say dumb things that say them to make themselves feel superior. Some say dumb things just because they don't know what else to say. And others just may be trying to pay a compliment and us in our misunderstanding don't see it as such. The example you gave--I can hear it being said 2 different ways, each with a different meaning. One kind of haughty and the person thinking "Well, my children would not have done that" and another sweet person thinking "Man you're a great mom. It's tough raising kids. And you're strong to be able to deal with it".
Just know that it's between you and your family. None of us are perfect and as humans we make mistakes. But as loving mom, you do the best you can and don't worry about what the rest of the world thinks about it. They don't matter anyway.
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