Not sure if I am overreacting....
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive February 2007:
Not sure if I am overreacting....
Okay my ex picked my kids up from school this Friday.. it was his weekend. Jordan gets out of school at 3:10 and Alexis gets out at 3:50. He picked Jordan up right after school was out and then went straight to Alexis's school and took her out of class about 30 min early. He told the lady at the front desk that she had a dr appt.
I am not really sure how I feel about this. I called him and told him not to tell them that she has a dr appt unless she really does because they want a note when she goes to the dr. He told me he just wanted to beat the traffic to get back home to pick his other son up from day care on time.
Am I being too picky or would it bother you if this happened to your child every other week? It is only on Friday every other week but it still bothers me that he can't just bring his son with him to pick up the girls instead of pulling Alexis out of school early. He also told Alexis and Jordan not to tell me. I just found out because the school emails me every time she leaves early or misses a day.
What do y'all think? Am I over reacting?
I would be the most livid since he's telling them not to tell you. He obviously knows he's doing something wrong. No wonder he's no longer your husband.
I would just tell him "Pick your son up first, then Jordan, then wait for Alexis to get of school. Wait in traffic like every other parent and just be prepared with snacks and things for the kids to do in the car. I have also notified the school and let them know that they are not to let Alexis go with you and leave early anymore."
I would justify it with the fact that uuummmm...you have to TEACH your kids not to lie? That's horrible, IMHO.
Has he been doing it every other week or was this the first time? If it's a pattern, can you talk to the school and explain to them what is going on and ask them to have a talk with him? I know in our district you need to send in a note in the morning letting them know you will be picking them up early so the teacher can be prepared. The only time this requirement is waived is if there are special circumstances (bad weather, etc.).
Maybe if he hears it directly from them, he'll listen.
You're definitely not over reacting. Totally unacceptable! Lying is not cool, and I agree with Heidi. Your ex needs to suck it up and deal with traffic, and everything else, just like all other parents.
It is a pattern since the beginning of the school year but I just started finding out in Dec. But since he has been having a rough time lately the girls have not seen him since Christmas. Alexis told me that he has done this every time he has picked her up after the first time at the beginning of school. She is at a new school this year.
Thank you for confirming to me that I am not over reacting.
They don't have you send a note because it would not get to the right teacher most likely since she has 7 different teachers this year. I call about an hour before I pick her up if she has some kind of an appointment to give them enough time to get her a note about when to leave class.
He did this from September thru Christmas every other week and the school never bothered to check with you as to WHY your daughter needed doc appts. every other week?? I'd think THAT was very strange...it would send big red flags that your daughter was seriously ill in some way!
If he can't easily arrange to pick up his son first, then I would just tell the school what is going on...that she needs to leave early every other Friday for visitation with her father. I don't think they would have a problem with that.
I, too, would have a problem with him specifically telling them to hide this from you. Not good...
There is no reason (that I can think of) for his son to be in day care on Friday at all since my ex doesn't work on Fridays. It is a convienence thing. His son is 3 and doesn't ride in the car for long trips well. My ex lives about 1.5 hrs away from me so there is a 3 hr round trip.
I did ask the school why they never said anything about it. They said that he didn't always say it was a dr appt and that since she was signed out by a parent that they figured it I would know and I would give them any information they needed if she was ill (they figured it might be some kind of therapy or something due to the ADHD dx).
I really don't know what to do about this because I am so mad he is having my children lie to me about it. When Alexis told me yesterday she begged me not to let her father know that she told me because he would get really mad at her. Her missing part of Art every other Friday isn't that big of a deal but if it was Science or something I would be much more concerned with that. I mean in 2 years when both my kids are in the same school again and they both get out of school at 3:50 is he planning on taking them both out early? This is my problem with it.
As far as I am concerned if he can't figure out how to let them stay until school is finished I might have to start telling him he can't pick them up until 6 PM which is what the custody papers say and he can start bringing them to my house instead of me being nice and meeting him 1/2 way.
I think I am going to call him later this afternoon and tell him this. I am sure that is going to be a wonderful conversation. (that was dripping with sarcasm, if you couldn't tell) I also need to find some info about insurance from him so I guess I will just tack this on to the conversation.
not sure all of that made sense I guess I need to calm down before I talk to him.
Gitto Heidi, that is exactly what I would do. Good luck!!!
Ditto, rather!
Well, art may not be the same as science, but I loved art class, when I was in school. It was a fun thing and if I always had to miss it, that would have made me mad.
It's not right, that he's making the kids lie about it. I think the school should have called you to clarify that she was leaving a half-hour early, on a regular basis.
Bleah on having to have a talk with him. That doesn't sound like fun.
I also don't think you're overreacting. I'd have the school put a note in your dds' files that they are not to be taken out of school early by their father without a phone call or note from you. Like the others, the fact that he expected the girls to lie to you would have me much more upset than missing a few minutes of school every couple of weeks, although I doubt he'd care if it were Art or a "necessary" subject. I also wouldn't hesitate to revert his visitation beck to the court-ordered times if you find out this is attempted again. Good luck with your call to him.
Aaaahhh...I can see the whole 3 hours in a car with a 3 yr old thing though. Picking up at 6pm sounds feasible to me, especially since it's in writing. I would also give a copy to the school and show them you have custody until 6pm. Legally, they cannot let them go to him then.
I hope you can find some common ground though. I can't imagine having a 3 yr old in the car, plus 2 others for that long. Can't he get someone to pick up his son in daycare for him?
I am surprised the school does not take issue with it. Our local school only allows a certain amount of early pick-ups. If you do it too often they will warn you and threaten to report it to CPS. Regardless of the class, I would not be thrilled that he is not picking up after school.
I agree with those who say that him telling the girls to lie to you is by far the worst of what is overall not a nice situation. Does he not understand the kinds of situations he can be creating by giving parental approval for your children to lie to a parent? How will they learn that telling the truth is a very important thing if daddy is telling them it is OK to lie when it's a lie to mommy?
You need to make it very clear to your daughters that even if a grown-up, daddy or anyone else, tells you to lie, lying is wrong. He is being very irresponsible in giving this lesson to your daughters. I can understand the girls going along with it, especially if he says "don't tell mommy because you'll get me in trouble". No child wants to get their parent into trouble, and that's a terrible burden to lay on the girls.
Have the girls been in any kind of counseling? If they have, this is something you should tell the counselor about. If not, maybe you should think about counseling, through school or some other resources. It sounds to me like your girls are being put in a difficult situation - being put in the middle between two parents who don't see things the same way (and believe me, I by no means think you are at fault in any way here, but the fact remains, they are in the middle between their parents, no matter who is at fault). I suggest that maybe they need to have someone they can talk to who is not a parent, to whom they can safely talk about their feelings about all of this, and get some help in sorting out how they want to deal with it.
(I was just thinking, that's what child molesters do - tell children to lie to their parents or to not tell the truth. You might mention that to him when emphasizing to him that it is very important that he not tell or encourage the girls to lie. Didn't he or his soon-to-be-ex-wife do the same thing when you were having the issue about her older son sleeping in the same bedroom with the girls - don't tell mommy because she'll get angry? So what he is doing is telling the girls to not tell the truth when the truth would be inconvenient to him or might make problems for him. Nice - NOT!)
If it's every other week, he can either sort out some other kind of child care for the three year old (and I do understand that a three year old in a 3 hour car trip is not fun for the parent or the child), or bring the 3 year old with him - or, as you say, he can pick the girls up at 6 p.m. and deliver them to your house instead of you meeting him half-way.
As for the school, I too am surprised that they haven't made a fuss about your daughter leaving a half-hour early every other Friday for most of the school year - parent or not being the person picking her up. If it were me I'd make it clear to the school that you are the custodial parent and that your daughter(s) are not to leave school early at any time without specific communication from you.
It sounds to me like you've been bending over backwards to minimize the inconvenience to him - and in return he has been taking your daughter out of school early and telling your children to lie to you. That is not at all right, or fair. I'm sorry about the 3 year old, but bottom line is that the 3 year old is not your child and not your responsibility.
My issue is with the lying...
If he was a man he would go to the school, talk to the principle about his issue and see if it would be okay to pick her up early every other week. Making his children lie for him is pretty darn foul if you ask me and this would be my major issue.. He is teaching them that it is OKAY to lie and that lying gets you what you want. Which is so against what we are supposed to be teaching our children.. He needs to grow the heck up...
|
Members
