Need relationship advice
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive February 2007:
Need relationship advice
I'm going anonymous because this is sensitive for me.
I'm having such a hard time dealing with my partners "friendship" with his ex.
I feel like he's trying so hard to keep things "smooth" with her so that it's best for his child. I can understand that, but there seem to be no boundaries.
He tells her things like "I'm going out of town in a few weeks to see so and so to celebrate our birthdays" or "I'm having a hard time with the age I'm turning, it's time to start counting backwards" things like that.
Whenever I get upset about conversations like that he says "I don't see how I said anything wrong" and I guess he really hasn't, but it hurts me whenever I hear them talking about things going on in his life that I feel really aren't related to how they parent their child. I've tried to make him understand it but I can't and he thinks I'm overreacting and he says "I'm just trying to keep things as smooth as I can for my boy."
I feel excluded from conversations regarding activities that his son participates in like baseball and swimming lessons, and I feel that those things are things he should be discussing with me too since we share a life. I find out about them when he says "Oh yeah I have to go and sign him up for baseball today."
I guess this goes deeper than those things. I feel like I'm not necessarily a priority in his life. He's reaching an age that is hard for him and I feel like rather than pulling close with me and nurturing our relationship he is wanting to go out more and do his "own" thing. I feel like his extra curricular activities take priority over our relationship, and whenever I try to talk to him about it he gets upset with me and thinks I should understand these are things he has to do. Yet I see them as something he can choose to do or not to do.
For example: This week our companies are involved in a show selling our services, and it falls on Valentine's Day. He says to me, I'm going to be home late that night because "the boss" always takes us out to dinner on the first night of the show. I say "You told me you want us to spend that night together" he says "I do, but I'm going to be late" meanwhile he's already said he wants to be spending that night with me, so I got him a small present and planned to make us a dinner and his favorite dessert then he says "I'll be home late" I say "but I planned to do "this" and he says "I'm sorry" I walk away and it's no longer discussed. I feel like it's just the way it is and how I feel about it doesn't matter.
I know he's under a lot of stress lately with a job he's unhappy in, with this "mid life" crisis he's going through and trying to balance it all, but I'm feeling left out in the rain...I don't know what to do...talking to him doesn't seem to help. It just leads to us fighting. We rarely used to fight and now it seems we fight more and more. We used to be best friends and I feel like we're even losing that. It's breaking my heart. I don't know how to get my best friend back and save my relationship. I think he feels attacked when I try to talk to him about it and that's not my intention at all. He says "this stuff keeps coming up" but I feel we haven't solved anything so I keep trying to get him to understand. I want to say that it's my fault that I feel this way because of a past abusive relationship and I imagine that's part of it. I'm so scared it's going to happen again, that I'm going to make the same mistakes that I'm making them. I've been through so much counselling and just when I think I've got a handle on things something happens and I fall apart again.
I'm sitting here in tears...wanting to call him and say all this and I can't. I don't feel like I can talk to him about everything the way I used to anymore...
(((((hugs))))))) Sweetie, try talking to him one more time and if that doesn't seem to help, then, unfortunately, stronger measures may be needed to get through to him. I mean, you can't keep going like this. I know that may sound extreme, but if he is just not "there" then you need to get his attention somehow and it seems like you have been patient. Also, since you did mention that you have had past abusive relationships, try at least 4 sessions with a counselor and more if needed. Maybe, you are "trying" too hard, and he feels like he is losing his personal space. Let us know how you are doing. ((((hugs))))
Just curious...how old is your dh?
Of course, he is perfect and *you're* the one over reacting. NOT.
Trying to keep his relationship smooth for his boy doesn't mean he has to confide every little thing to his ex. I think you are totally justified in your opinion regarding his connection to her.
As far as he goes, the only thing I can say is, maybe if you keep nagging him about your feelings, he will just pull farther away. Give him reasons to want to stay at home with you, if you get my drift, and he will. 
Conni he's turning 50 next month. I don't know if that's considered middle age, but I do know he's taking it hard. He seems to feel that it is so old and maybe that time is running out? I don't know we don't communicate at all like we used too.
I'm not concerned that he's having an affair he's just under so much stress. He hears me when I say I want to do this or this, but I feel when he says things like "do you want to do this?" that the only reason that he's doing it is because he knows it's what *I* want.
Cocoa I can understand me giving him reasons to want him to be with me and maybe it sounds selfish, but what about what I need in our relationship? I do all the things I used too. Massages, calling him just to say I love you and I'm thinking of you, making him and our family a priority. I don't feel I receive the same consideration or time and effort.
I used to think him and I were so suited to each other now I'm not sure he seems to have changed so much from the man I fell in love with.
Part of it could be that he's not where he wants to be on the career ladder. Some men envision owning their own business by then, or having certain assets, etc. Maybe just opening up that conversation might give him the support he needs.
A marriage pivot point is understanding. I, too, tend to go overboard if I see Scott pulling away. But, a lot of times it has nothing to do with me and it has everything to do with his job. Men put a TON of value in how they are treated at work and how their career has shaped as the years go on. Their self worth is often correlated and they bring it home.
Just let him know that you're there for him if he needs to talk about work and, sometimes asking the right questions opens up a flood of thoughts you never knew he had.
Could he change jobs/careers? How is he changing exactly, other than being generally depressed?
PS- Scott and I make it a point to take turns in planning our anniversary each year. So, that might "force" him to be romantic and plan a fun evening. You could also do it for Valentine's day too, or do something every other month and take turns. A lot of guys are clueless or are just so stuck in a career funk that the lives at home are disenegrating. This lets him know it's "his turn".
It does sound to me like he's not only not listening - he doesn't want to listen. Sort of like - you are the one bothered by it so it's your problem.
I can understand the stress of being in a job he is not happy with. "Mid-life crisis" - I'm not so sure. I sometimes think that's what people (especially men) throw out as an excuse/reason for otherwise unacceptable behavior. I mean - hey - every life has a multitude of crisis points ... it's just that some of them happen in the period we think of as "middle age".
I know you want to try to save this relationship. And I understand that you are still "coming out of" an abusive relationship, which makes for lots of self-doubt, and no doubt it is easy to slip back into the patterns you were using in the abusive relationship - which is all the more reason you need to be self-protective and not let this relationship be another relationship that puts your needs and feelings and wants behind everything else. You are worth more than that!
I suggest that you pick a time when he is there and the kids are not (or are in bed) and say something like - look, if this relationship is going to work, if you want it to work, you are going to have to sit down and listen to me and talk to me about several things I am unhappy about.
If he is willing to sit and listen and talk, that's good. If he is not, or says he doesn't want to deal with all this "stuff that keeps coming up", then I think you have to tell him that the relationship hangs on his being willing to try to address all "this stuff" - that if he doesn't, you do not want to invest more time and energy in a relationship in which you are increasingly unhappy and in which you feel that your needs and wants are less important than everything else in his life. That won't be easy, but I think you have to put it on the line and say, in essence either we deal with this "stuff", or we go our separate ways - I am not going to live in a relationship where I feel that what I want and need doesn't matter.
If he is willing to try to talk, you need to be careful how you say things. It's not - you make me unhappy when you ..., but rather, when you spend a lot of time on the phone with your ex-wife talking about things that don't have to do with child visitation or other necessary things, I feel like you are sharing things with her as if she were still an important part of your life, and that those are things you should be sharing with me. When you make plans with your son and don't tell me about them when the plans are made, but instead tell me just before you are getting ready to leave, or if I want to schedule something for that time slot, I feel like you don't see me as a person you want to share the details and trivia of your life with, and I feel like an outsider. When you tell me you want us to spend Valentine's evening together, and then a work event intervenes, I understand that you have to do what the job requires, but when you don't express regret that I've spent time planning for an event you said you want and that now won't happen, I feel like my trying to do something special for you isn't important to you.
And, what sounds most important to me - I feel excluded from most of your life. I feel like the places where you let me into your life are those places where it is convenient to you, and otherwise you exclude me. I want a relationship that is a partnership, and I feel you are not treating me like a partner.
And, there is always "couples counseling" if he is not able to "hear" you without an interpreter - and maybe you are not able to "hear" him without an interpreter.
But, all of the talking points and possibly counseling depends on him wanting to try to work things out, understanding that you are unhappy even if he doesn't understand why, and wanting to work to change that. So, in my opinion, that's the first thing you have to find out.
As nice as it is to have someone in your life, sometimes the price is too high. For me, the only thing worse than living alone and feeling lonely sometimes is living *with* someone and feeling lonely.
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