Back history so you can understand the situation. My father left before I was born and I did not even know he existed until I was 13. At 17 I met him, his wife and my 3 year old sister. He lived on the other side of the country. He never supported me or my mother, denied that I was his child as did his parents which in turn shamed my mother (I was born in the late 60s). When I was an adult I moved across the country and over the years had an on and off relationship with both my father and sister. My father is a recovering alcoholic and I think he’s bipolar. He’s an emotional mess.

Just before I married there was a lot of tension between my father and myself. After I returned home from my honeymoon I called a few times but he did not have much to say, so I thought I would wait until he called me back. Well it’s been 5 years and he has not called. My sister comes in and out of my life and I’m always disappointed by her behaviour. After my wedding she and I as well lost contact for a year but were reunited at our family homestead.

This past summer I started to notice that she only came over if I called her. So I stopped calling to see what would happen, she called me on Christmas day (DH called her a month before, I didn’t know and was very upset with him for interfering). When she called I was very pleasant with her on the phone, I didn’t make her feel bad about calling, didn’t mention anything. She said that she and her boyfriend would like to come over between Christmas and New Year’s we set a date but not a time. I asked her to call me a few days before so I could give her directions and set at time. She never called or showed up. Another couple called and wanted to come over that day but we had to say no because my sister was coming. So we didn’t end up seeing them at all.

So today I get a message on my answering machine, our father’s adopted mother who is in her 80s is going to be here this weekend (she lives on the other side of the country), they want to come by, my sister and Grandmother. I was so mad when I got this message, it’s like nothing has happened. No big deal to her.

So here is where I’m conflicted.

My Grandmother is old and has not been well this past year. We talk by phone a few times a year and I know that she will not be here much longer she has lost her spark. We have not had a close relationship over the years, but still.

I’m royally P.O’d at my sister, I don’t want her here and I don’t want to call her. I thought about leaving her a message at her work tonight or sending her an email but I know it will be scathing. I’m trying to take the high road but d*!@ it, it’s hard! I want to tell her off so bad, we had to leave Matthew with a neigbhour overnight when I was in labour with Cameron because she wanted to go away for the weekend and get drunk. This past September she missed Cameron's first birthday. I have tried talking to her before about this kind of stuff but she always makes excuses, gets angry and ends up yelling at me. I end up feeling like such a B!%&H in the end and then she disappears again and doesn’t speak to me for years.

My other dilemma, we have all been very, very sick these three weeks especially this past week. Fever, chills, aches, pains, cough and we are still sick, the kid’s noses are still running continuously and it’s green baby. So I worry that if my 80 year old Grandmother comes here and somebody goobers her this kind of infection could be very, very serious for her.

So, I guess I could just send a simple email to my sister with directions and a time, ask that she call if she can’t make it and let her know that we would love to see them but we have been very sick so they may want to reconsider at visit at this time. Perhaps if my Grandmother is still here next week that would be better.

Agggghhhh! What do you think? It’s so hard to get things straight when you are caught up emotionally.

Any suggestions on how to handle this diplomatically?

Sorry I know this long, thanks for getting this far.

By Tink on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 09:08 pm:

Personally, I'd want to see my grandmother enough to deal with my sister, politely and distantly, while they are visiting but I would NOT go out of my way to accomodate her in any way. If time may be short with your grandmother, any time spent together will be precious after she passes. I think your email would probably be the best bet to not have to get into an argument, yet still warn them of the illness that your household has been dealing with so that your grandmother can make her own decision about her potential exposure.

Strained family relationships are the worst. No matter how things go, someone is almost always p!ssed off by the exchange. Quite honestly, I would just write your sister off completely until she matures...if that happens. It sounds like she's still in a very self-centered place in her life and, as a wife and mother, you just don't have the time or inclination to deal with that kind of mentality. {{{Hugs}}}

By Kate on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 09:24 pm:

But wait...isn't this grandmother the same person who denied your father was truly your father??

I'm sorry you're going through this. Just remember you have to live with yourself and your decisions.

By Heaventree on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 09:39 pm:

Thanks Tink, you nailed my sister, we have always had a strained relationship, I always thought it would get better as she got older but it hasn't.

Kate, yup you are right this is the Grandmother who made my mother's life a living hell. But people change, they have regrets as they get older, see the error of their ways. We have never spoken about it but I know she feels bad. She always makes the effort with me especially since my father and I have lost contact. I know she would like to see the situation resolved before she dies but I don't think that will happen. I think she feels responsible. So I'm trying to kind and loving towards her even though she was not this way with me.

By Sandysmom on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 09:40 pm:

"So, I guess I could just send a simple email to my sister with directions and a time, ask that she call if she can’t make it and let her know that we would love to see them but we have been very sick so they may want to reconsider at visit at this time. Perhaps if my Grandmother is still here next week that would be better."

I think that is a good idea. If she has lost her spark, I'd hate for her to get sick and eventually turn into pneumonia. As for your sister, well, she may be bi-polar and just can't help herself. That is typical bi-polar behavior. I wish I could give you better advice. ((((((hugs, sweetie))))))) It's a tough situation.