My youngest son Josh(in 1st grade) has a little boy in his class that is not very nice. He is prone to outburst, calls everyone names, teases, etc. I help out a lot at school, so I have witnessed this behavior myself. I have always told ds to just play with others and stay away from him since he is mean to him and others. I have to add that his teacher does try very hard to keep things in control. Well, before Christmas break, my ds told me that this little boy hit a girl at school, and got sent to the principal. Then, a little over a week ago, ds came home and said this boy came up behind him and graped him from behind, pinning his arms to his side. He started squeezing very hard to the point he was really hurting him. Ds asked him several times to let go because he was hurting him. Finally, another boy pulled him off. Ds had a substitute, who didn't witness what happened. Unfortunately, when ds told her about it, she just said to tell his teacher on Monday. It was a Friday when it happened. So, on Monday, I called his teacher because I feel this boy is getting out of control. Ds tells me everything that goes on, he is very chatty, so I think from what he has told me that this child's behavior is escalating. His teacher told me she was going to talk to the principal because she feels he is getting out of control also, and she was going to call his parents. Well, that same day ds came home and told me that when he was down picking paper up off the floor., this boy came up and kicked him very hard in the side. So, when I was up at school volunteering for the library, I asked to see the principal. I talked with her, and told her I was concerned. I told her I felt ds's teacher is doing the best she can, but this is out of control. I don't think this is a case of son being singled out, this boy does this kind of thing to almost everyone in class. But, it needs to stop. The prinicpal said she would investigate, she wanted to talk with ds's teacher, pull his file, talk with the child, and the parents. She said she would get back to me in a few days. Well, 4 days went by, no phone call. And, now there was another incident where this child stated pushing my son, and another boy in his class. So, dh was livid and called the principal yeserday. She was in a meeting, so he left a voice mail about what was going on and requesting a callback. We are now in Las Vegas, so not home, but he left his cellphone number. She still has not returned our calls. So, what is my next step? We will be back Sunday. Should I call Monday and request another apppointment. I want to know what steps they are going to take to fix this situation. My ds, and the other's in his class, shouldn't have to deal with this on a daily basis. I am really disappointed that the Prinicpal hasn't called me back. I really like her, but this is unacceptable. Help, BTDT stories, or advice would be really appreciated. Ds wants to hit him back, but I keep telling him no, not at school. Because, I don't want him in trouble.

By Yjja123 on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 01:04 pm:

BTDT and when it went on for close to 6 months we did tell our son to defend himself. The result? He was put in school suspension WITH THE BULLY and forced to "make friends" with the bully. That was it. We pulled our son the next day. We had several conferences with the teacher and the principal. All we ever heard was they didn't see it so they couldn't do anything. Funny how much they did not see. My only advice is, if the principal fails to call you by Sunday, my next call would be to school board. That is too many days of not following up!
(((Hugs)))

By Bellajoe on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 01:06 pm:

IT sounds like you have handled this very well. I'm so glad your ds tells you everything that happens, good for him. I would be so upset if my ds and his class mates had to go thru that all day long.
It really sounds like the principal is dragging her feet on this.

I don't really know what to tell you, i'm sure other people on here will give you some great advice. The only thing i can think of to tell you is to call the principal yet again and demand that she speak to the child's parents about this and make it stop. Does the teacher send the child to the prinicpals office when he misbehaves? She should do that and the principal should call the parents while the child is sitting there to let them know what's going on.
I hope this gets resolved soon.

By Tonya on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 01:12 pm:

I say call again. Daily calls and leave messages make her do something about this. Good luck to you and yes after all of this I would too tell my son to defend himself. Maybe if he stands up for himself this bully will back down.

By Mrsheidi on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 01:17 pm:

Here are your steps:

1. Write/type every incident with estimated dates and possible times. Log who you spoke to, what they (teacher/subsitute/principal) said and, if any, action taken (even if it was "none").

2. You now have a list of things to bring to the principal and teacher. Email it to them and let them know a time you are coming in to discuss these matters.

3. Tell them you'll call the school board if there is no action taken to this serious problem. And, yes, it IS a serious problem.

Watch how they'll scramble to make something happen. The school board "employs" them. I've never seen principals move so quickly than when you mention the words "School Board"...

Good luck and I'm so sorry your DS is going through all of this!

By Tsa on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 02:51 pm:

We live in a small town, so maybe this doesn't happen where you live. I'd call the childs parents my self and let them know what is happening. It sounds like the principal is either over worked or not overly involved with the student affairs. Good luck.

By Cat on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 03:29 pm:

I agree with everyone else. Keep documenting, calling and tell them you'll call the school board. That really does get their attention.

I have to say, though, I really feel for the child and his parents. Unless they're just totally negligent, I'm sure they know a lot of what's going on. The kid sounds like he really needs help and he isn't getting it.

By Vicki on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 04:55 pm:

There was a child in dd's class in 1st grade that sounds very much like the boy your talking about. I can't tell you the number of parents that went in and talked to the teacher, the principal etc about this little boy. This little boy was on medication for ADHD and I am not sure what all else. In the end, there was nothing the school could do to him because he was considered "special needs". They had requested several times that the parent put him into the special needs class, but the parents refused and they could not make them. So in the end, we just had to deal with it and teach our kids how to deal with him. It was the longest year that she has been in school so far let me tell ya! He ended up being held back and I was so glad that I wouldn't have to deal with it again in the future. I have no idea if that is what your dealing with or not, but if it is, just don't look for any quick fixes. Our school seemed to be more protective of his rights under the law than our kids safety!

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 05:46 pm:

This is bullying, and every school should be alert to bullying. If the boy is a "special needs" child, as is the case for Vicki's dd's experience, then maybe the school needs to assign an aide to be with the child throughout the school day to protect other children.

Yes, if the principal doesn't deal with it within 5 to 10 school days, I would take it to the school board. Heidi is right - document, including past incidents and incidents you have witnessed, your reporting, etc. You might want to talk to the parents of other children in the class who have been attacked by this boy, as they might want to join in if you take the lead.

Your school does indeed have a duty to a special needs child, to provide the least restrictive class setting. But they also have a duty to protect your child and other children from physical assault by this boy once they are "on notice" that this boy has assaulted other children. You need to tell them, specifically, that you are putting them on notice that if they don't deal with it you will take whatever legal and other steps you deem appropriate to protect your child.

Coincidentally, a school in Allentown, PA is being sued because a 12 year old "special needs" boy sexually attacked a 1st grade child, so they transferred the 12 year old to another school. When he became a discipline problem he was put on "hall detention", sat in a seat outside the bathroom - and he assaulted 3 other 1st grade boys. The 12 year old was, eventually, arrested, charged with rape, and is in juvenile detention until age 18. The school is being sued because they were on notice that this boy was a danger to younger children and did nothing to protect other children from him.

By Debbie on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 06:37 pm:

The principal called dh while we were at lunch. She totally dropped the ball, and nothing has been done so far. Dh handled it very well. He told her we meant business without raising his voice or getting upset. I don't know if she felt we would just drop it if she didn't call back. But, I am very disappointed in her. So, she is meeting with ds's teacher to come up with a plan to deal with this child. She is also going to make sure his teacher has called the parents. Dh said that he wanted this child moved away from ds, and they are not to sit together for the rest of the year. Also, the tripping, pushing incident happened while they were walking down the hall to health, so dh said he wanted this child in the front of the line, with the teacher, when they are walking to and from other classes. The principal tried to pull all this confidentiality bull, about how she can't discuss this child and what is in his file with us. Dh said he didn't care about other incidents with his child, there are now 3 incidents with our son. So, we just want to know what they are going to do to prevent these things from happening again. He also told her that if it does escalate she will end up having to disclose his file, so it seems it would be in her best interest to help nip this in the bud. So, she now has until we get back to come up with a plan of action. I am meeting with her on Tuesday, along with ds. I am going to tell her that if there are further incidents I will be meeting with the school board. I do have everything documented, she actually has the emails that I sent to ds's teacher. I now am going to go online and check out the school no tolerance policy(what a joke) The good news is that they are opening a new school next year. My dks will be going there, but this boy won't. So, we only have a few more months to deal with this. I am just upset because my ds is very frustrated, and I don't want him to hit this boy back, and then he will have it on his permanent record. The principal is fairly new, and dh didn't think she was very confident while talking with him. He said she seemed to choose her words very carefully. He is better at dealing with this then me, so I am glad he talked with her. I tend to get a little emotional. It is just sad because this school district has a wonderful reputation. However, being new here, I am not impressed at all with how this is being handled. We waffled back and forth about catholic school and public, since my boys were in catholic school in Chicago. Now, this is making me question our decision. Oh, the joys of parenting.

By Debbie on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 06:43 pm:

And...

Cat, the sad part is that his parents are one of the few that have not attended any activities. They weren't at the Thanksgiving program, or the Christmas party. I actually saw his mom at the school during the Christmas party, but she didn't come to the class. I also have interacted with his brother in the library, and he acts the same way. They really don't seem to have any boundries. My ds actually feels sorry for him. He thinks this little boy must be really sad, and mad to be so mean and angry all the time. Those are his words. I told the principal that I really felt he needed some type of help from the counselor or someone.

Theresa, I don't know the parents, so I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to them. And, to be honest, I know ds's teacher has talked to them about his behavior before. I don't think it would do any good to talk with them.

The only good thing is that my ds isn't afraid of him, he is just more frustrated by him. I just don't want my ds to get really hurt.

By Cocoabutter on Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 07:34 pm:

Your son seems so mature for his age, to notice that the bully acts so mean all the time because he is sad or mad. Your son seems to have a great deal of security and self-confidence.

My son (now in fourth grade) was bullied briefly in first and second grade. I spent some time in my son's class helping out, and one of my jobs was to sit with the kids independently and listen as they read to me. This bully, this mean kid, came to me and was first in line to beg me to read with him. From that experience I gathered much more understanding about him.

In second grade, when the bullying became too much for my son to handle (he didn't tell me much about it, so I didn't know it was as bad as it was) he finally went to the teacher in tears and told her what had been going on. The teacher didn't even know it was that bad, since the bully managed to be sneaky and pick on my son when she wasn't looking. She called me up and told me all about it, and we talked about this bully. He didn't have anyone at home to depend on. His sister was the most involved person in his life, and she was only a teenager. He was desperate for attention, and bullying and being disruptive was the only successful way he had found thus far. He told her that he bullied my son because he thought my son was okay with it. (Which is why, in the old days, a good punch in the nose was required to prove otherwise.) She told him that he wasn't, and that he was to leave my son alone. She said that she had begun to reach him, and that she was afraid that this was something that this boy was going to have to deal with for the rest of his life.

The school staff has been doing everything it can for the bully. He sees a school counselor regularly and also had a mentor come to the school once a week to spend an hour or so with him. He took many trips to the principal's office, too. From what I have seen in class and on field trips, this boy has much more respect and does better with an adult male authority in place, including the principal. Thankfully, the third and fourth grade teachers that he has been assigned to have both been men.

Unfortunately, schools are put in the precarious position of not being able to discipline due to some parents who feel that their kids shall do no wrong, and having to parent for the parents who seem to have totally abdicated their responsiblities. I hope your school finds a way to deal with these boys.

By Unschoolmom on Friday, February 9, 2007 - 06:50 am:

Okay, so I'm a radical and outside the system but sometimes I wonder if there isn't a way a school official could be charged or threatened with charges of neglect or some such thing.

Seriously. If I, as a mom, let a neighbourhood kid come into my house and did nothing as he routinely abused my child I am quite sure the police and social services would have something to say about it.

I drives me absolutely crazy that the standard schools are held to isn't anywhere near the standard we parents are held to.