This just burns me...(family vent)
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This just burns me...(family vent)
I'm having one of those nights where I can't sleep because everthing under the sun is making me crazy. I thought maybe if I vented here I could get some insight on something that has been bothering me for a long time.
When dh and I got married, my mom did not come to my wedding. She said we were too young and my marriage wouldn't last a year anyway, etc. She hated my dh and was basically undiagnosed with bipolar disorder. Well, my parents didn't pay for anything for our wedding either, his parents managed to. I was uncomfortable with making alot of the plans since I didn't know them that well and it felt weird spending someone else's money. It was still beautiful and the whole point is the marriage, not that one day. I just felt a little jipped since I always thought I'd be drooling over colors and stuff with my mom and it would be this big huge deal everyone would be happy about. A few years after we married my mom was put on medication which has helped tremendously and has helped me forgive her for many things. Dh and I have panning to do a 2nd wedding for our 10 year. Not anything elaborate, kind of a celebration of the milestone, especailly since we were in our teens,people are surprised we've lasted this long and it would be a representation to me personally about the reconciliation of me and my mom plus i'm sure she regrets not going to my wedding and it would be like a second chance. She loves dh now, she never really hated him before. She was in need of help herself too much to be able to help me. Our 10 year is next year and my sister is getting married on the same day! I am so mad. I just can't let go. She is getting everything i wanted both in material items and support from my parents. I know alot could happen between now and then, it just drives me nuts. I mean why, why is it necessary to make it be my 10 year? I don't even care about sharing the date it's the fact that it's my milestone date for many reasons! She's not doing it to be malicious, it's some sort of date to them. The whole thing really brings back the negative feelings that surrounded my wedding. I don't feel like being a part of my sister's wedding at all. I don't know how to make this better. Obviously I don't expect my mom to never go to my siblings weddings just because she didn't go to mine. I've talked to my mom and sister about this and I still feel bitter. Ugh! Thanks for letting me vent.
I understand how you could feel bitter. If I could go back, I would definitely have done things a lot different about my wedding, and I'm sure a lot of other women would too. The fact was, I was too nervous to even enjoy my wedding, and I really didn't want a big wedding; DH did. So, we had a big wedding. I wanted to fly away to a beautiful place with just our parents, grandparents and siblings and have a private wedding. That whole day was a blur to me and really, I was glad it was over. We've had a great marriage though, even with the ups and downs. BTW, I didn't have a whole lot of say either about the wedding plans. (My mother  ) She got these singing DJ's which I did not want. I thought that was corny for a wedding. Also, my SIL & BIL decided to get married 4 weeks before our wedding (which, I could care less, but thought it competitive) and the day of their wedding, was the blizzard of '93. We were stuck in a hotel for an entire weekend. They lost everything, the music, the catering, and their wedding cake was a tastycake which they broke in half. Anyway, I'm telling you all this to let you know that you are not alone. If you want to renew your vows, great, but don't do it for your mom. I'd rather you take that money and spend it on a nice vacation for you and your family to celebrate. Or, you could have a second honeymoon. But, it's up to you. ((((hugs))))) And, vent anytime.
Rayelle, I fully understand your anger and unhappiness. But, for your own sake, I think you need to think about really forgiving your mother - for not being at your wedding, for being bi-polar, for not being the mom you wanted her to be (and the mom you were supposed to have) - and also forgiving your sister. Here's a link to a column by Dan Gottlieb in the Philadelphia Inquirer about forgiveness: Gottlieb. He notes, and has noted in other columns, that the person you hurt most by not being able to forgive is yourself, and it sounds like you are really hurting.
And maybe, is there some way you and your sister could work out a joint celebration of your 10th and her wedding. You say the date is significant to her and her soon to be husband, and of course it is significant to you. Can that important date for both of you be a time when both of you and all of your family and friends can celebrate the new and the tried-and-true marriages?
Rayelle, I'm going to post more later, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone...my mother has schizophrenia and is in a nursing home. It's VERY hard, isn't it? Like I said, I'll post more later...
It sucks, sorry.
I had inlaw issues with my wedding. Every wedding since then they are so different and so generous. The short story is they were really irriated that they had to drive to the wedding (3 hours), instead of us getting married near them. I spent a long time really irriated when they went above and beyond for everyone else, lots of hurtful things were said and done. But at some point I figured out, that they were the problem and not me, and I should be thankful that somehow what we went through taught them differently. So initially I have to say the last wedding (which was in hawaii and we all had to go..lol), it made me a little grumpy, I tried to remind myself, boy they have come along way. It was time to let go. I got the best end of the deal, the hubby for a lifetime, one who stuck by me and defended me, and still does. They are the ones who missed out on my special day, not me.
I love the idea of talking to your sister about it being your anniversary and how special it is to share that day with her. Just think you and hubby get a cool date for your anniversary without having to pay, formal wear, a band, it could be very romantic for yall.
I am sorry that your wedding was not what you hoped for. I understand completely! We eloped due to inlaws from h@ll. We renewed our vows on our 5th anniversary and it was wonderful. We kept it simple (we invited 30+ of our closest friends and relatives and went on a dinner cruise). You can renew whenever you want. Maybe wait a year to renew your vows and do it on your 11th anniversary?
I can't believe your sister has chosen your wedding day. As long as it is not malicious, I guess I would understand. As far as forgiveness, it is a hard journey. I have had a hard time of letting go of our elopement. My hubby has a more positive take on it. We have been to many fancy weddings where the couples ended in divorce. He says ours is successful because we only needed each-other not a fancy wedding.
We celebrated our 10th anniversary on a cruise. It was wonderful. Given the choice now, I would choose the vacation over a renewal. It may give you more happy memories than trying to recreate what wasn't years ago.
(((HUGS)))
I can understand why you would feel the way you do. You did get gypped and it's not fair, but it was a long time ago. I, myself, don't understand the wedding date thing because dates and anniversaries aren't important to me. If the date is important to your sister for some reason, then she should have that date. The fact that's it's your 'milestone' is just how it is...you can't expect your sister to put her wedding off an entire YEAR just so her wedding is on your eleventh instead of your tenth.... Also, I assume this date falls on a Saturday?? It won't fall on a Saturday again for many more years! So I hope that helps you to see why your sister wouldn't want to change her wedding date.
The fact that your sister is getting the whole nine yards for her wedding, and parental invovlement, isn't her fault. If you want nothing to do with her wedding you are doing the same thing your mom did to you and you sure know what that felt/feels like! I agree you need to truly forgive and then understand that forgiving doesn't instantly or completely ever erase the pain, but it allows you to begin that process at least. I'm sorry you're so upset. You have a right to be! As you've already discussed this all with both your sister and your mother, and I assume they were apologetic about it as you didn't say otherwise, all you can do now is try and let it go. Make the decision to accept it and not let it ruin the next year. Good luck...
I am the child of a Narcissistic mother (to which I just fully came into understanding her issues and there effects on my life with in this last month or so) my day was to be her day and I had to fight tooth and nail to get what I wanted, not what she thought I had to have (she wasn't paying for a thing by the way). And my dad is a Narcissist of a different type and was put out by my day. Told me he would make an excuse for me if I decided to run out the back door. Needless to say, I was so stressed out that I cried all the way to the front of the church (I have pictures to prove it).
To top it all off, Dh's family didn't even show up. His dad and Step mom were mad because I got married on a Friday and they didn't want to drive up, even though we had offer to put them up in a hotel for the night. His sister doesn't drive at night. And both his brothers were just to busy to take time out of there day... When Dh's brother got married, it was a Friday and their dad drove up with out an issue.
I could go on and on about how crazy our families are but I will just say that I can feel for you and I agree with Ginny.. You have to try to forgive the situation. Because you are only hurting yourself. I have found that others tend to be clueless to the "pain" they inflict on you..
I completely understand what everyone is saying about forgiveness and the advice they are giving you there.
I just want to say that I completely understand and I would be really miffed if my sister chose to get married on my anniversary, too. I mean, unless it is a VERY specific thing with them, then why would they even WANT to share the same wedding day as you? I know that I would not want the same anniversary day as my sister regardless of how many years she had been married. I would want my own special day.... So I guess I just don't understand that.
I chose a very special song to walk down the aisle to. It meant so much, and I still get teary-eyed when I hear it. My cousin came up to me (there is a lot of history with us) a few months later and asked me about that song I had in my wedding. She wanted to use it to. She didn't even know the words or the title, so it wasn't that it had any special meaning to her. So I told her. Thankfully she didn't use it to walk down the aisle to, but just during her ceremony. She and her husband stood three feet apart looking out at the family looking more like they were at a funeral than their own wedding, and never looked at each other once during the song. So it definitely didn't take away from mine because everyone told me how emotional mine was, and how that song was perfect for us, etc.
Well, I've told you all this just to get the point across that I completely understand where you are coming from having negative feelings about sharing the day. Even if I weren't renewing my 10 year vows, this would upset me, too.
Are you renewing on your exact anniversary? Is that the exact day that she is getting married? Or do I have this all wrong? Also, have you discussed with her that you guys were planning on renewing your vows?
What time of the day is her wedding? Is it possible for her to have an early afternoon wedding and you and dh to leave afterward for a cruise or something.
The way I usually get past things like that are to do something, give myself something to look forward to. Sometimes it is doing something for someone else, sometimes it is doing something for myself. If you have something special to look forward to, maybe it will help you get thru it.
But don't do the same thing to her that your mom did to you.
Thanks everyone. I'm not setting out to hurt my sister. We've never been close, but there's never been any major problems either. I know how much energy goes into not talking, etc. because I have been there with my mom. I don't want to cause a feud, but I don't think I can handle this. When she and I had this big talk a few months ago I felt good at first like real forgiveness. I don't really have a problem personally with my mother or sister. I am 6 years older and grew up vastly differently. I guess what I want to say is I mostly feel like I have forgiven my mother,yet since she is my mother her past behavior towards me is at the core of who I am. All I ever wanted was for her and I do have some level of friendship, go shopping or something together, from about the age of 13. I told her this all the time. She would make plans for her and I to have alone time together and then say she had a stomach ache at the last minute- every single time. She would talk to me normally one minute, then yell at me for something I did months before the next. She never let me do anything, didn't want me dating, gping out with friends. The house had to be just so. My dad worked out of town, so I don't think he knew alot of what was going on. I quit telling him. He would express my concerns to my mother who would then accuse me of trying to get them to fight. She called me names. She repeatedly told me I was just a stupid kid and no one cared what I thought. I helped her up when she would collapse onto the kitchen floor crying uncontrollably. I gave her the pep talks. I shielded my sister. I didn't give the usual teen back talk when she would flip out on me, which I think upset her more.I'm lucky to have my dh and I'm glad he came along when he did. Before I met him I knew I was getting the hell out of there as soon as legally possible. I know my sister has no control over things happening the way they did, but by the time she was a teen, my mom was better. My sister got the "in" clothes and stuff my mom told me was stupid. She got a car when she turned 16, wheras I got a job,then she totalled it and got a new one. She was allowed to date and have friends and an actual adolescence.Now the wedding!My mom is extremely sorry. She didn't realize how much I bore the brunt of her illness. I understand that. I understand that my sister can't help being younger than me.I understand but it still sucks!Thanks for letting me vent. I think I need therapy.I most of the time don't care she's getting married on my anniversary. I care that it's another thing I dreamed of doing with my mom and my sister takes it for granted. It hurts me and no one seems to understand that. The date is just the icing on the cake.
{{{{{{Rayelle}}}}} I'm sorry for all the feelings your having. They're all normal, though. My oldest son is bipolar and yes, at times it really sucks. I am thankful, however, that we got a diagnosis while he's still young (he's only 13--was dx'ed at 10). We still have a lot of work ahead of us, though. Big hugs, Girl. I hope you can get this worked out.
Have you heard of/read "Bad Childhood, Good Life" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger? While I had a good childhood, my friends who didn't were helped a lot by this book.
Can I ask why she needs to get married on your anniversary? Even if that's some kind of special "date" anniversary fo them, couldn't they get married on another date and create a new special date? Obviously thisis upsetting and you have every right to feel angry and cheated. You were gipped out of a great wedding before and now you feel gipped again.
If she won;t change the date (and I think she should) then why not a "double wedding" or will she not share the day with you after all you've done for her?
I don't think you need therapy - I just think you should acknowledge that you are entitled to feel angry, resentful and hurt. Once you can accept those feelings, you'll move on away from them into real forgiveness.
Good luck
Ame
Rayelle, life isn't fair, and if you let these negative feelings grow, they, and not your sister's choices, or your mother's past problems, will make you miserable. Take the lemons and make your own lemonade. Your Anniversary celebration date doesn't have to be written in stone. If your sister's wedding is on Saturday, have a celebration for yourselves on Friday or Sunday. That way, the relatives can be there without an extra trip. Focus on the good facts here. You now have a healthy relationship with your mother. You have a strong and loving marriage of ten years standing. Your family will be gathering for two very special occasions. How blessed you are. Own those blessings and be thankful. Life is too short to waste any more time on this resentment jealousy and anger. Celebrate your milestone and invite your family to join you in this celebration.
CONGRATULATIONS on ten years.
Rayelle, it's easy to say forgive and forget if you haven't been through what you've been through. It's hard to go through all the "firsts" without your mom truly being there. I can count on one hand how many times my mother came to a sporting event of mine and I was on every sport team imaginable. I even ski raced in the Junior Olympics 8 yrs in a row and she did not show up to any of them.
We are never going to have that time back and now I'm taking care of her once again now that she is in the nursing home. However, my older brother did take the brunt of the major problems. Since an early age (12), he sold cinnamon toothpicks just so we could pay the utility bill. She was HORRIBLE with money and we would move from house to house year after year.
I know she was a good mother when we were younger but her sickness took over when we were teenagers. She was homeless for many years and wouldn't settle down because of her paranoid schizophrenia. She even showed up once to my sorority house and wouldn't speak a word, but rather wrote notes as her sole communication with me. When my friend answered the door, she wrote a note to her...she wouldn't speak at all. It was so horrific to see her go through all of this like it was REAL to her. She actually thought people were chasing her, trying to kill her. How does a 19 yr old deal with that without a father around?
Long story short, we can't do anything about our past. But, what did help was to communicate between the siblings and even have your sister come to one of your therapy sessions. Let her know it's not her fault, but she needs to know your suffering. When my brother finally told me the REAL problems and how he was paying off her mortgage, I jumped in and helped. Our siblings don't know anything unless we share it with them.
How is your relationship with your MIL? I have a pretty good one and I don't know what I'd do without her. She comes down once a month (3 hour drive) and helps me with Connor and other things my mother cannot do. It helps me mend the past quite a bit.
I could babble on and on...but, please know you're not alone. It just plains sucks, to be honest. And, forgiving is definitely hard when you know you were just a kid and didn't deserve it. You are going to be a MUCH better mommy because of it!!! Email me anytime...and, I do mean it... H E I D I H E N K E L at ho t m ai l dot co m
Rayelle- I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. I completely understand that you feel like you got the raw deal and it's so hard to let go of some things.
I think your sister getting married on your date is just about the silliest thing I've ever heard. Personally if I were her, I wouldn't WANT to share my date with another immediate family member. IMO, she should consider your feelings about this and change her date. That's JMHO.
DH's older brother (successful in professional life but NOT in his personal life and a real jerk) asked DH to call me on the morning of our wedding to see if he could make a big deal at our reception about proposing to his live-in girlfriend. I was so ticked! You would have to know him. Anytime he's not getting as much attention as DH, he comes up with something to GET that attention. What was I supposed to say? No? I was ticked off, but it happened. I told the DJ to make a very LITTLE deal out of it, and they did. They were divorced in 2 years anyway...it was all for the attention in my case.
6 years later, he got married the same day as our HUGE couple baby shower, with ALL of our firends and ALL of our family. I didn't get as ticked off, but I just laughed to myself and told DH "Yep, he's not getting enough attention. It's the same 'ol, same 'ol". Geesh.
It doesn't sound like your sister is doing anything to be mean, but I just don't think she should choose that date and I think it's obvious that she shouldn't that I can't believe she is quite frankly. Just me.
((HUGS)) Letting go of childhood/teen issues with our parents is a work in progress. There are certain things I don't think I will EVER let go of and I don't like it but it's true. I can understand certain things but I can't let go of them. Maybe it's just my personality. I hope everything works out for the best for you and your 10 year. I understand why it's such a wonderful milestone for you and your DH.
Ditto, Reds. I just don't understand why your sister would choose your day. Like Deanna mentions, some things are hard to let go and I'm not sure it's always in our best interest to do so. I figure we have some of these deep feelings for a reason. You feel cheated out of your special day, and you should in my opinion.
Hugs to you, Rayelle. I sincerely hope things work out. You need your time to feel special and validated by your mom.
Congratulations!
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