How do you....
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive January 2007:
How do you....
comfort a child about your ex husband getting a divorce from his 3rd wife?
My ex just told my DDs yesterday afternoon that he and his current wife are getting a divorce because he caught her cheating on him.
Alexis took this news very well and is not really upset by it at all and may actually think it is a better situation.
But Jordan seems rather distraught about it. She is especially upset by the fact that she will probably never see her step mom or step brother again. I am really having a hard time finding the right comforting words because I do not like this woman in the least and I am glad my ex is getting out of a bad situation because he is not that horrible of a guy when no one is telling him what he should and shouldn't do about his kids (long story).
I am really concerned about Jordan because she doesn't deal with loss of any kind well. She still cries about my grandfather dying 3 or 4 years ago and they saw him maybe 3 times a year. If any of you have any suggestions about what I can say to her I would greatly appreciate any advice.
The only thing I can say is just tell her it is Ok to be upset but sometimes things like this happen that are out of our control. That her daddy will be a happier person if he is not with ex-wife and that is what she should be thinking about.
Also is it an option for her to still talk to ex-wife or her son on occasion?
Good luck.
There is no option of her talking to the ex-wife because her father would not allow it, especially not with all the stuff she is doing right now. It is a long story but she is doing enough stuff that he is asking for full custody with only supervised visitation of their 3 year old son (this is the half-brother not the step brother).
Amazing what some parents put their kids though. 
(((((HUGS)))))
I wouldn't say anything negative about her soon-to-be stepmother, since she has feelings for her. I would say that daddy picked a woman who was wrong for him. They are two good people who should never have been married ("good" is optional, since the step mom is the one who cheated.) but they did and they weren't a good fit for eachother.
Sooner or later, your dd is going to have to mature enough to understand that, while loss is never easy, it is a part of life. It's okay to be sad, but only for a while. Grandpa wouldn't want her to be so upset for so long. When she thinks of him, she should smile for him.
I have actually been trying to figure out how to handle this for about a month. My ex called me 3 days after Christmas and told me all about what was going on but that he didn't want me to tell the girls. He wanted to tell them when he figured out what was going to happen. So I have been worrying about this for almost a month now and he finally told them.
I am actually one of the only people that my ex will call and talk to about how all this makes him feel, so I guess I am pretty emotionally involve in it because somewhere deep down I do still care for him (in a very strange sort of way). We were just way too young and dumb when we got married.
This last month I have worried about him (hoping and praying he didn't do anything stupid because he has a temper and is extremely depressed about the whole situation) and then on top of that about the girls because I knew that it was going to be difficult on them too.
I guess that I just know that this is something that I don't really think my kids are comfortable talking to me about because i am sure they know (due to circumstances in the past) that I don't really like their soon to be ex step mom. I want them to come to me if there is anything they need or whatever but I think they try to protect me sometimes.
I am sure that no one can really do much as far as advice but I just needed to talk about it.
Talk away, and we can try to help you sort it out, too.
Tara, I don't think that they are trying to protect you. More likely I think they are afraid of talking to you about her because of your attitude towards her. It sounds like you have let your feelings about her become very obvious to them. While I don't know anything about the circumstances in the past, I am sure that it has put a strain on your communication with your dd's.
You need to remember (as we all do sometimes) that our kids can be sensitive about their relationships, such as those with step parents. From what you have described here, it sounds like they liked her and they may have been hurt or disappointed that you didn't, or that you were so open about your feelings towards her. So out of respect for their feelings, it is important to keep that in mind, no matter how much she annoys you.
I still go with my above advice, but strike the comment about "daddy picked the wrong woman." They just need to understand that some times marriages don't work out because the people weren't meant for eachother from the beginning.
Tara, your daughter Jordan reminds me a bit of my dd. In fact, my dd will bring up her grandpa as well, who passed away two years ago. Lara herself was only two, but remembers him well enough to miss him. She tears up and wishes he would come back. I validate her feelings, and I am there for her. I figure in her own time she will be able to remember him and smile. Jordan sounds like a sensitive girl. I know my dd is as well, and as a result, change of any kind is so stressful. No advice, just wanted you to know I think I understand. You seem like a very caring mom, and I sincerely hope all will work out.
Well I didn't have much of a choice about them knowing my feelings about their step mom. If y'all remember the situation with their step brother (age 13) sleeping in the same room with them, well their step mom confronted me in front of the girls about taking legal action about it, which upset me. My kids know me very well and have always known when I am the least bit upset about something. I try to hide any animosity toward any people from them but they pick up on everything. I never bad mouth their father in front of them or anyone else for that matter because I know they really take what I say to heart a lot of the time.
When their step mom confronted me I had to try to hide my feelings for about a 45 min ride home and not say anything about it. I didn't respond to her, I just let her attack me verbally and tried to tell her not to do this in front of my children but she didn't stop. She yelled at me for 10 min or so and I sat there silent. On the ride home they started asking me why she was yelling at me and if I was okay because that was "mean". I tried to change the conversation and talk about fun things and what they did while at their dad's and even talking to them about friends and school but especially Jordan kept going back to why she was so mean to me.
I just want them to know that I understand that they like her and they will miss her and I am there to comfort them no matter what is going on with them.
Thank y'all for listening. I just don't know how to handle all of this. It was so much easier when my ex got divorced from his second wife because they didn't like her much and they were much younger.
I think I remember that situation with the step son.
Sounds like you know pretty much what you have to do.
It's confusing that they would like a woman who was so mean to their mom. But, just be there for them and give them lots of attention and hugs. Good luck!
I think you should tell her, exactly what you told us...."I just want them to know that I understand that they like her and they will miss her and I am there to comfort them no matter what is going on with them."
I think you are doing a great job with your kids.I was very impressed at how you handled the situation of the step-brother sleeping in the same room with them That took a lot of love and courage.But I think you needed to be more honest with them about the deal of her yelling at you and verbally attacking you  I know you were trying to keep things calm,and spare their feelings.But I'm afraid that by you changing the conversation and talking about other things,when they were asking you if it was "okay" for her to be treating you like that,may have sent a message that somehow it is "okay" for their mom ( that they love so much) TO be treated like that. And that can be very hurtful to a child. This is an example that is totally more extreme, but my xdh was very abusive to me,both mentally and physically. Many times when he was screaming at me, or doing something to make me cry ,my then small DD of 3 or 4 yrs old, would run to me ,crying also. I would pick her up ,and say " It's alright baby Mommy's ok. It's alright".She's 35 now,and about 4 yrs ago ,she very tearfully told me how confusing it was for her to hear me say everything was okay,but at the same time I was being treated so bad. I guess what I am saying is , at times like that,it's important to let them know that you didn't like her talking and yelling at you.But,I hope I didn't offend you by saying this.It's very obvious that you are a dedicated and loving mom.Good luck with this situation
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