Just need "someone" to talk to.Was going to go anon,but I think I need to start being more honest with my self,and not hiding behind things.The whole story is way too long to go into detail.But I really do need to talk about this.I am so unhappy in my marriage that I stay in a constant depression.I sleep everyday untill I am aching and have to get up and move around.Everything seems hopeless.I don't mean for this to sound like my dh is the worst person in the world,because he's not.And I am definately not perfect.But the things that ARE wrong,has gotten to be more than I can stand.To start with,right now he is at a friend of his playing video football.I don't like this guy very well.He is an alcoholic,drinks several nights a week till he passes out.He does drugs.Two years ago he married a woman that has 3 kids,which is not the problem at all.I was happy for him,thought this might make him happy,stop the drinking,etc. WRONG!! The marriage went south quickly;all we hear when we go there is how she's going to leave; or him bad mouthing her and the kids,etc.Several times when he was drunk or high ,he would try to talk my dh into having sex with his wife.One night he brought a pair of her underwear into the room where him and dh was playing football and was licking the crotch,and tried to push them in my dh's face to get HIM to lick the panties!!!!And the oldest dd is very distraught with life,and has already had an affair with a much older married man,and ran away for the night recently and was found in some older guys apartment,and she's only 14 !! I feel really bad for her and the other two kids,but I keep warning my dh that she could try to do the same thing with him.But what's really bothering me is that he knows how I feel,and yet he still goes over there.My dh has a very addictive personality.He goes from one addiction to another and then back again.He stays up very late at night playing games on the internet with a friend of ours ( this guy is retired)and then he watches movies and reads untill 2,3 ,4 and 5am !! We don't hardly sleep together anymore.We already were having sleep issues because he snores very loudly every night.But I would go to bed and lay with him as long as I could,and then I would go to the couch.Just so I could be near him!!! But I 've been making him sleep on the couch,since he doesn't go to bed till rediculous hours . I am so lonely.It breaks my heart to see and hear him in the computer room laughing and playing games with his friend,and I go to bed alone.I honestly wouldn't care if he did this occasionally,because I like to sleep alone sometimes because of the snoring issue.But I can't stand for him to even touch me.I am that tired of trying to make this marriage work,while he does what he wants too.I realize that it was hard on him when he lost his job a week before Christmas (hopefully,he will be starting another job on Thursday,where his friend works !! Won't that be nice?)But he has done this ,off and on,for years.I have done everything that I know to help him,myself,and this marriage.We've gone to counceling,many times;gotten very involved in church,prayed constantly about this for many,many years!! I have endured things that no woman should have !!In the beginning,we were still very caught up in the bar scene,so he cheated on me several times.I quit drinking,gave up ALL of my drinking friends,started going to church and trying my best to live right.We actually divorced ,but remarried 7 months later.And a lot of things changed drastically.He stopped drinking and running around,and went to church with me.But,thats pretty much where it stops.I've gone thru a 12 step co-dependancy program,as well as many other things,trying to get well.He won't do anything like that.He just goes from spending hours on the computer,to reading a book,to playing more video games.He even reads a book while we are eating ,whether we are at home or at a resturant !!We both come from very severe backgrounds,ranging from rape to incest.And we have done a lot of stupid things in our lives!!But,I am soooooo ready to move on ,finally.We were going to a great councelor for several months,and she really helped me "see" a lot of things.Honestly,I don't know if any of yall have ever experienced this or not,but it is as if I have been going thru life with blinders on,and now they have been lifted and I am seeing things for what they really are .And I'm really hateing most of what I'm seeing.She really cares deeply for both of us,but she told me in one of my last meetings with her,that she doesn't ever see my dh getting much better.He's very addicted to his mother,but not in the typical moma's boy way.She sexually abused him and controlled him all his life.It appears that he is terified of her.She won't call our house phone,because I'm here.But she calls his cell as many as 15 or more times a day.I'm not "allowed" to talk when she calls,because if she hears my voice,she will hang up.She constantly begs him to come back home.She tells horrible lies about me to everyone she knows.There is so much more bazarre things,that I won't even go into.By now,all of you guys that has been fortunate enough to live a pretty normal life,is wondering what in the world is wrong with me that I would put up with this? Well,I'm finally at that place myself.As I said earlier,I too come from horrible a background .I've always hated myself tremendously,and never knew why.I'm afraid to live alone;afraid to try and "be somebody".But,in the last few years I've really been trying to change,and you know what? I really like myself now,most days! The Lord blessed me ,unexpectedly, a year ago with my writing/photography job at my local newspaper,and it has turned my world around!! The people I talk to seem to respect me and look up to me ,as if I am "somebody".I hold my head higher,now,and totally enjoy what I do.I'm actually,believe it or not,a happy person that people love to be around.I laugh a lot,and I make other people feel good about themselves.Untill I get home.And my biggest dillema is ,I don't want to hurt my grandchildren.I have never gotten over the fact that my children was so hurt by my divorce from their dad.My X dh was very abusive,both verbally and physically,and it was the right thing to do,but it has left many horrible scars.MANY things that we all are still dealing with.But we have formed a good family,my dk's,dh and i,which took several years to do.And my dgk's don't know anything about the early years of our marriage,and all they see is their Papa that they adore !! He and I are always together,and they come to see him as much as to see me.I know my grown dk's would understand,and would be horrified to know how unhappy I am.But,I just can't do this to the little ones.I'm also a christian,so how can I tell them to pray and believe for things,if my own prayers were not answered? Financially,I'm not able to stand on my own right now,so that is a big problem too.Thanks for letting me vent.You just don't know how hard this is for me to not go anon.

By Heaventree on Tuesday, January 9, 2007 - 09:09 pm:

My heart goes out to you, you have had many challenges in your life. Big hugs. Keep up your counseling on your own. You know by now that you can't change your DH that's up to him.

Christian or no there are deal breakers in marriages, talk to your minster or pastor about what you are going through, hopefully they will be able to guide you through this situation as it relates to your beliefs.

If it were me, I would find a way to be able to stand on my own two feet so if I had to leave that would not be the issue that held me back.

We are here to support you through this, write, vent anytime you want to.

By Imamommyx4 on Tuesday, January 9, 2007 - 09:17 pm:

I don't what I can say that would be helpful. But know that someone hears you and wishes for you to feel better

By Hol on Tuesday, January 9, 2007 - 09:41 pm:

Oh Wanda, BIG BIG (((HUGS))), Sweetie! It took so much courage and honesty for you to talk to us, using your name. I, for one, wish that I could come to where you are and give you a shoulder on which to have a good cry. It would appear that you have come a LONG way in healing. I'm so glad that you have your job. It gives you good self-esteem.

It sounds like you have a lot of issues there, and so does your DH. When two people get together that both have traumatic pasts, you have double the issues to work through. It sounds like YOU have done a great job! Isn't God good? Scripture tells us that we can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens us.

You did well to leave the bar scene. Not only does alcohol destroy your health, but it destroys your spirit as well. If your DH is serious about not wanting to drink anymore, he needs to stop seeing his friend. This guy sounds like a sicko, and not someone that your DH should spend time with. He needs to decide if he wants your marriage to work, and that should be a condition of staying together...the friend goes.

It sounds like your DH is suffering from major depression. Because of his sexual abuse as a child, and his controlling mother, he needs to be in intense therapy by himself. He maybe needs some medication, too, to help with the depression. It sounds like he is self-medicating by becoming obsessed with video games, movies and reading until all hours. Any of those things, in and of themselves is okay, but within moderation. It becomes an addiction when it interferes with his relationships with others, most especially you. He is "hiding" from life, and it sounds like he has terrible self-esteem, too. He needs intense therapy so that he can learn to put his mother in her place. She sounds like a terrible person!

If he is depressed, he isn't going to be interested in marital relations with you, but it isn't a reflection on you. However, I know that that doesn't help your self-esteem either.

Because you were abused as a child, you have bad self-esteem, which led to you marrying an abuser. That abusive spouse kept the cycle going for you of you not liking yourself, and having no confidence in yourself. You are doing right by staying in church because you have friends there who love you, and it will cause you to see that you ARE somebody. God doesn't make anything imperfect. We are all products of the choices we make in life.

The fact that you are upbeat and happy at work, and then get depressed when you go home is proof that he is pulling you down.

I try not to tell anyone what they should do with their life, because after all, I am no expert. However, it would seem to me that a separation is in order. It will give your DH a chance to decide what he REALLY wants in life. He needs to break free from his sick friend AND his mother's controlling ways. He needs to get a job and keep it, and start keeping a regular schedule like most people.

I know that you are afraid to be alone (a classic sign of a person who has been abused), but isn't there someone that you can stay with? One of your DK's maybe? You have a job, so you could contribute room and board. You have already been through a divorce twice, so it isn't so scary for you.

As far as your grandchildren, they will catch on as they grow older, to how unhappy you are. It doesn't make you a bad example as a Christian if you separate, and it doesn't mean that God doesn't answer prayer. However, we can't change another person. All we can do is let them know what WE will put up with. If the price of changing his ways is too hard for him, then you'll know what his priorities are. You could tell your dgk's that sometimes people have to not live together anymore.

Are you SURE that he is only playing video games on the computer, and not conversing with other women? Because he was a cheater, and does have an addictive personality, are you sure? I don't mean to cause you any more pain.

Talk to your counselor. It sounds like she has already summed him up pretty well, however people CAN change if they really want to, but it would take a lot of work on his part.

You are a bright, loving lady and God loves you very much. I don't know how old you are, but ask yourself if you want to waste the rest of your life, not being happy.

I'm glad that you vented to us. We are here for you anytime. And just remember, nobody's life is perfect. We ALL have things we struggle with. (((HUGS))).

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, January 9, 2007 - 09:48 pm:

{{{HUGS}}}

By Cocoabutter on Tuesday, January 9, 2007 - 10:28 pm:

(((((((((((WANDA))))))))))

Hol that is so profound. We are products of the CHOICES we make in life. Wanda, you have chosen get well and work on yourself. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

But perhaps you are at a point at which you can't do much more for yourself because you are still trying to deal with him and the sadness that you deal with living with him.

I think you know what you have to do. A couple of times in your post you referred to being at this point that you want to move on. You just need to find a way to do it. You have come a long way on your own already. Talk to your counselor and minister. They may know of some resources for you to take advantage of. And come here anytime you need to vent.

It seems that you still feel guilt for divorcing your kids' dad. You must realize that it was the best thing for them. You wouldn't have wanted them growing up in that abusive home, right? Give yourself a break and remember that you did what you did to protect them from the horror of growing up with an abusive dad. Are you saying that now, even as adults, they blame you because you left? They still don't understand that you did what was best for them? No, you know that they understand. You must put that behind you as well.

Your kids are up and out, and the well being of your grandkids depends on the home that their parents create for them, it doesn't depend on your marriage.

You said that you formed a good family, your kids and you with your dh. But you don't all live under the same roof anymore, so you are no longer responsible for providing your kids with a good home. They have good families all of their own, right? This isn't good for a family, what you are going through now, and since your obligation to them as their mom has been fulfilled, with them grown and out, it is up to you to make the decision as to how the rest of your life is going to go.

Your prayers were answered, just not answered the way you wanted them to be. When we pray, we must also remember that it is our jobs as good Christians to accept His answers, or His will, even though they aren't what we wanted. Sooner or later we are going to have to teach this to the young ones as well.


Best of luck to you.
((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

By Truestori on Wednesday, January 10, 2007 - 02:21 am:

Wandilu,
Wow...It takes a strong person to post such sensitive issues without going anonymous.
Honestly, while reading your post, my mind kept going back to the fact that LIFE IS SO SHORT< WHY LIVE MISERABLE??
I can understand your concern about the grandkids, but they won't love you any less if you choose to go. Life has many unsuspecting changes and if this will make you a better grandma then by all means do it.
I know far to many women who never live for themselves. We always have to take care of others first. It may be your time to start living for you. It sounds to me like this job has created some strength in you that you had never recognized before. That is wonderful! I can't make any decisions for you but it sounds like you are slowly getting yourself back and realizing you have options and you truly don't have to suffer anymore.
Many ehugs

By Vicki on Wednesday, January 10, 2007 - 08:09 am:

I really don't have anything to add, but like Imamommyx4 said, I just want you to know that I "heard" you and listened and understand. Sometimes it just feels good to be "heard".

By Beth on Wednesday, January 10, 2007 - 08:30 am:

I just wanted to give you a ((hug)). I am so sorry that you are going through this. Ultimately it will be your decision. I think one thing your dh is never going to change as long as he continues to allow his mother to have that much control over him. It certainly sounds like he has no closure with that part of his life at all if he is still allowing his abuser to call him daily. That can not be healthy. No telling what she says to him and he could be doing all these things to keep his mind off that crap. But at some point you have to decide whether you are going to continue to let yourself be taken down with him. It sounds like you have given him ample opportunity for change with counseling ect... and it doesn't sound like he has. I mean just like with the friend. He is allowing this friend to abuse him also really. Maybe at least a seperation would force him to face his demons. Good luck in whatever you decide.

By Bellajoe on Wednesday, January 10, 2007 - 08:51 am:

(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry that your having such a rough time.

By Wandilu on Wednesday, January 10, 2007 - 10:17 am:

Thank you all so much for your love and concern for me.It's wonderful to know that I have so many friends out there that care for me.It has been very theraputic for me to do this.It is like a cleansing.Even though I've heard it said before,it really hit me hard about life being all about choices.I don't know exactly what is going to happen, but I've made the choice to make changes.I spent a lot of time talking to God,and I'm really going to work harder at letting Him guide me,instead of me trying to guide Him.All of these 17 years that I have been with dh,I've concentrated way too much on "fixing" him,when I need to take better care of myself.I'm going to go back to my councelor as soon as my finances get better and devote time to me.I have a lot of darkness in my past that still has a hold on me that I want to get resolved.And I'm going to get my finances to the point of being self-reliant,so I don't stay in constant worry.I truely feel like the Lord is directing me in that area already,but fear has been holding me back.Ladies,thank yall again.I will have to post from time to time and talk about this,so I hope I don't wear out my welcome.God Bless you all !!

By Sandysmom on Wednesday, January 10, 2007 - 11:50 am:

Wanda, (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) I have not read any of the posts but I did want to tell you that your children will benefit in the long run definitely if you do what I think you want to do. I have a friend who is in a bad marriage and her son begged her to stay and so she did and a year later, he said he wished she had left because he could see that there was no quality to their home life. I still have so many things I want to say but I am limited right now with time. Take care sweetie and maybe I'll post again later.

By Hol on Wednesday, January 10, 2007 - 10:04 pm:

Wanda - just remember, too, that when you give your life to Jesus, ALL of the "dark " things from the past are washed away, and all things are made new again. None of us have yesterday anymore. Tomorrow (on Earth) isn't guaranteed. All we have is NOW, and what we do with it. I went back and looked in your profile and saw that you are 50. You have been with your DH since you were 33. Do you want the next seventeen years to be like the past seventeen years? The choice is yours. However, don't think that YOU (or any of us) can change another person. All we can do is decide how WE will react to that person's behaviour, i.e accept it, or decide that you want a different kind of life.
God bless you, too. We DO care about you, are always here for you. (((HUGS)))