I am posting anonymous, but some of you will know who this is because of a previous post. We moved to our new home this summer, and have gotten to be good friends with our neighbors. I posted a few months back that the neighbor's ds had been hitting my youngest ds, and so I ended up talking with her about it. Everything was fine for awhile, but then her ds hit my oldest ds in the face. He did it right in front of me. It was totally unprovoked, and uncalled for. So, I decided if we wanted to remain friends that I should limit contact with her dks for now. I have just been encouraging my dks to play with others in the neighborhood, and we have been inviting friends from school over to play. So, they really haven't had a lot of contact with them. I still talk with her a lot, our dks just haven't been playing together as much.

Well, yesterday dh was outside talking with her dh. He told my dh that they had pulled their ds(who is in K) out of the public school and put him in private. He was having trouble with a boy at school. I guess they both feel this is why their ds is having all these behavioral problems. He then went on to tell dh that it was just for the rest of the year. They are opeining a brand new school in August, and our subdivision will be going there next year. So, dh asked why they put him in private if they were just going to move him back to public next year. He told dh that the new school would have a different economic and ethnic makeup. And, that "you know how "some" kids can act". The new school is built right in the middle of some very high end subdivisions, so I guess, he feels there will be more caucasian kids there. The boy that they feel is picking on their ds is black. So, it makes me feel like he is saying, it isn't a problem with the district, or the school, but with the ethnic makeup of the kids that are attending the school. He just kept going on and on about the ethnic makeup of the current school. Basically, it is a very racist way of thinking, in my opinion. Not to add that my dh is hispanic, so he, along with our dks, are some of those "ethnic" people he is talking about. I can see pulling your kid out of school if you feel he will be better off somewhere else. But, to blame everything on the demographics of the school, just makes me so mad.

So, I told dh that I just can't really look at them the same. Or maybe I should say, I am realizing they just aren't someone I want to be good friends with. Social neighbors, okay, but not good friends. They, or should I say he, doesn't see anything wrong with it, because he was openly talking to my dh about it, who he knows is a minority. Dh chalks it up to their ignorance, and doesn't seem as bothered. Maybe, because he has dealt with this more. He thinks I am a little nieve about racism. Maybe, he is right. I just can't believe that they think there will be no bullying, or badly behaved children at the new school, just because they are wealthier and caucasian.

So, dh thinks I am overreacting. Do you think I am? I guess I just feel very passionate about this because it could be MY kids, and in a way it was, that he was talking about. Afterall, they are half hispanic. Gosh, this got so long, I hope I didn't ramble too much.

By Cat on Monday, January 8, 2007 - 10:56 am:

I agree with you. Ignorance is horrible and these people sound very ignorant. Hugs

By Mommmie on Monday, January 8, 2007 - 01:33 pm:

The neighbor will have a rude awakening next year at the rich white school. Either his child will continue with the behavior problems and he'll realize that focusing on the black kid was just an excuse or the neighbor's eyes will be opened by what it's like to be in a school with only rich white kids, some of whom will be badly behaved and many of whom who will be horribly overindulged.

I would just continue what you are doing and limit contact.

By Beth on Monday, January 8, 2007 - 01:36 pm:

The only thing is if your dh didn't take it that way maybe that was not the intent of what he was saying. It sure sounds like it. But I am just curious why it did not upset your dh since he is hispanic. I am not disagreeing with you just throwing that out there. Just to let you know that we live on what other people would consider to be the not so upper class. I actually find I like my dk's school better with the cultural diversity. Better then some of my friends that kids supposedly go to the "best" schools. Our school gets more funding so programs, teachers, aides ect... We have been lucky and have no problems and my dk's get along great with everyone.

By Cocoabutter on Monday, January 8, 2007 - 01:39 pm:

Your dh probably felt as though the other guy was trying to be tactful, and racism was only hinted at, so dh is probably trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. But you are right, your dh probably has a pretty thick skin and accepts these types of things as a fact of life.

But if you don't want to be friends with this couple, then don't. Follow your instincts.

By Conni on Monday, January 8, 2007 - 01:55 pm:

I know who you are and I am so sorry!! Some people really are ignorant. Or maybe in denial? Sounds like they want to blame their ds bad behaviors on anyone but their ds. Some of the worst behaved kids we encountered were in an *elite* high income mostly caucasion public school. Go figure...

I think Dad's making excuses for his ds bahavior. I agree that bullying can affect a child. Certainly! But I don't agree with Dad's thinking here...

No I dont think you are over reacting to the Dad. Do you suppose his wife thinks the same way?

By Mommyof5 on Monday, January 8, 2007 - 03:38 pm:

This is a tough situation. I am caucasian and so is my dh and 3 of our kids. However, two of my children are Asian. I really had no true understanding of racism until we became a multicultural family. I am shocked what people will say to me when they see me without my Asian kids. It is like they think that because I "look" like them that I must also think like them. I think it is very difficult for caucasian people in the country to REALLY, REALLY understand racism as it isn't something we have had to deal with every day of our lives.

It seems as if you have a couple other issues going on with the family in addition to the racist attitude. If it were me I would continue to limit my families interaction and probably remain "distantly" pleasant to them as they are neighbors but would not go out of my way to do any more than that. We had some neighbors a few years ago that were similar to yours. While I did not tell my kids I didn't want them playing with the other kids I certainly didn't encourage it and when they were looking for someone to play with I always suggesting calling some other friends.

By Anonymous on Monday, January 8, 2007 - 03:50 pm:

Conni, you know I find it weird that they made this decision a month ago and she didn't say anything. I am finding that her husband definitely runs things. I honestly believe that she was raised differently, and feels differently. Her parents are great, and is so down to earth, and just plain nice. I just think she goes along with her dh. But, I ask myself, what kind of person is that.

Beth, dh did take it as a racist comment. I probably didn't word it right in my initial post. Dh doesn't want to hang out with them like before. I was just suprised he wasn't more upset by the comments. I am more confrontational, and would have said something. Were dh is more like they are just ignorant, why waste my breath and time on it. I, on the other hand wanted to march next door and say somehting when he told me. I just seem to be having a harder time letting it go.

I am sad because I really like her, and now things are different. I guess, I am disappointed in her/them.

The funny thing is that this is the least diverse school my dks have ever gone too. But, my dks love school, and we are having a great experience. I think, like a lot of you mentioned, it is a convenient excuse for their son's behavior. And, like someone else mentioned, they will eventually have to face it because I really think their ds is part of the problems, if not all, so that isn't going to change. It is so sad to me that people feel this way, and deep down I know they do. The sweetest boy in my youngest ds's class is black, and the biggest trouble maker is white. So, that just throws his whole theory out the window.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, January 8, 2007 - 06:36 pm:

I don't think you are over-reacting. And, I don't think there is anything you can do about it except pity him, and keepyour distance as you suggest. What a jerk.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, January 8, 2007 - 06:39 pm:

It also sounds like this dad is one of those "not my kid" parents - it has to be anyone's fault except my kid's fault (because if it is my kid who is the problem that reflects badly on me and my parenting). Of course, it does reflect badly on him and his parenting, but rather than face that unhappy fact, he will blame anything and anyone else he can. Sad for the boy, who will not be taught to accept responsibility for his actions.

By Imamommyx4 on Monday, January 8, 2007 - 08:10 pm:

I don't blame you for being angry. I agree with that. But I so agree with your dh. Our pastor once very calmly commented in the face of something like this, that it wasn't worth angering yourself over, the argument could not be won with someone so ignorant and is a waste of the valuable time and breath that the Lord gives you. If something constructive can be said and in love to educate or mold, go for it. Otherwise it's just stirring up more anger. I wish I could always follow those words myself. And I pray, too. But my spicy temper gets the best of my big mouth sometimes.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 9, 2007 - 11:12 am:

Debbie, you are right. It isn't worth my time to be angry. I really thought about it last night, and I think I am more sad about loosing a friend. I really thought of her as a good friend, and slowly things have been changing, and this is like the icing on the cake.

Ginny, you hit the nail on the head:

"It also sounds like this dad is one of those "not my kid" parents - it has to be anyone's fault except my kid's fault (because if it is my kid who is the problem that reflects badly on me and my parenting)."

The Dad is just so concerned about appearances. I know he got upset with her because she was talking to me about the problems they were having with their ds. He wants everyone to think they have this perfect family, which we all know is impossible. No family is perfect.