Ladies, What would you have done?? Mom Vent!!
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive January 2007:
Ladies, What would you have done?? Mom Vent!!
Some of you may remember my signing up my ten year old son for football this summer, and we ultimately decided that football wasn't for him. We'll the booster club had basketball signups, he likes basketball and I asked him if he wanted to sign up, yes he tells me so two months ago we signed up, tonight we get there and all of the kids are bigger than he is, now he nor I know any of these kids but their all bigger so they must be sixth graders and sixth graders have always been mean to him, (ds says so). He's never around sixth grade children because his school ends at fifth, although we do have a few kids that are in the sixth grade here in our small subdivison. I was flabbergasted, here we were in the hallway, with the other children already practicing and I am begging him not to give up, not to give up on himself especially, telling him how does he know that he won't be the best player on the team, how does he know how he'll do if he doesn't even try? And here he is sitting on the floor with tears in his eyes, I am tired after a long day, practice was at 8 this evening and we were there 20 minutes early. Finally I said Gary I want you to give me the money I paid for signing up, it was 20 dollars. Should I have done that? I wanted him to own up to something. It is so frustrating for me because I want every opportunity for my kids, sports, scouts, etc. When I was little we didn't have alot of opportunity, there weren't sports, or camps or things for kids to do, we lived in the country, my dad worked hard, long hours and sometimes depending on the weather, especially during the winter since my dad was in to excavating, building septic systems etc. History is repeating itself with my nephew who lives with my mom, ( which is another story in and of itself) and he would kill to be on a sports team or have the chance to join scouts and can't because my mom is legally blind and hasn't been able to join anything. This is why it's frustrating, so do you think that I was wrong to make him pay me back? I feel bad because it was him christmas money, what do you ladies think?
Can you clarify? The make-up of the team wasn't right for your son, you were mad at your son, and so you had him pay you for the registration?
Or are you saying your son changed his mind about playing because his teammates were all older and bigger?
Why is your son to blame? Can you call the league and ask them to put him on the right team? Here, kids only play with and against kids of the same age/grade.
But I think I'm not understanding what happened.
Personally, I think these activities are totally overrated unless your child has a true gift for whatever it is. The truly athletic kids I know would not have been concerned about the other kids. They would have jumped in there no matter what.
I do think it's a horribly difficult situation to be a beginner joining a team that has all experienced players. That's tough tough.
I feel that your son really wants to be involved in sports, and more than likely his friends talk about sports at school, but when it comes right down to it, he is just scared to be actually doing it. I understand. I was the same way. My son was that way for awhile. Now he likes baseball, and plans on playing for the third year this spring. But I think it is because it is totally a non-contact sport. Maybe that would be more his speed.
Joining something like that is really scary. More than likely, all of his friends talk about being in sports, and in the heat of the moment, he thought he could do it. Is your son passive? If so, he probably really and truly wants to do it, but just can't.
I can totally understand your frustration, though. It is tough. I would, too, check to see if there was a reason all the kids were sixth graders, and if they have a fifth grade team. It would be much easier on him if it were his friends he was playing with and against. It doesn't make sense that it is all sixth graders.
I was dealing with frustration and probably overtired.
Mommie- He is not to blame I don't want him to be, I overreacted in my post, but that still doesn't change the fact that I wish there were something that he could get involved in that he likes I hope we can find something suited just for him. I'm going to call today and see why his team seemed so unfairly balanced and see what they say. It is either an oversight, or due to lack of kids him age and size signing up. There were two kids that were close to his size but the rest were taller, he felt intimated I know.
Adena- Last year we chose bowling and he mentioned that last night, but I think we missed the boat on that because I think that it was in the fall, I'm going to check, I think that he was intimidated and I dont want to add to it, we will continue to look for something he likes he's got plenty of time! Thank you ladies.
I think there are several issues going on here. I don't think you overreacted.
What I read, your son want to play, you signed him up, he saw the team and quit without even trying.
Okay well first off, appearances can be deceiving, kids are different sizes, so he doesn't know that they are 6th graders. That is unrealistic. Besides most kids teams are multiaged. I just signed my 3rd grader up and it is 3rd and 4th grade together, my little guy is much much smaller, and much much worse, but that is how teams go.
Second, the statement that 6th graders are mean to him. Again, I don't know his experiences, but that really isn't fair.
So I think you need to work on those things. lIfe is about being part of the team and dealing when things aren't quite what you want. You have to try. You can't judge a book by it's cover, I mean it is just absurd to say that black kid was mean to me, I won't even play on a team with other black kids.
I think of course you should make your child pay your money. You are about to start treading some thin water now. He has now quit 2 sports in a row. This time it didn't seem reasonable to me, it seemed fearful. Before he signs up for anything else, you need to be very clear with him. He will finish the season. If there is an issue with the team and he can't play, does't like it, he will have to go and watch every game, no exceptions.
I know for some people it is just sports, no big deal. But I can tell you after watching my son's friends, he has at least two who are starters, they very rarely finish what they start, it is really affecting school, they join clubs then drop out, etc, kids don't won't them on the group teams, etc, because they have set themselves on the outside and they have lost trust of friends. One convinced my son to join choir last year, he quit 4 months into it and my son was stuck..LOL.
I don't think you over reacted either. In the future, if he wants to sign up for something, I would make him pay the registration fee and pay him back once he completes the season. I am a big one on finish what you start, being part of a team etc and dd knows this and thinks long and hard before she joins something.
What kinds of things does his friends do? Didn't any of them sign up for basketball?
I think with football, you were right to pull him out. Football is such a big contact sport, and if his head wasn't in it, he could really get hurt.
However, with the current situation, I would have been frustrated too. Did he even go out and practice with the boys, or did he just look at them and make up his mind? Just because the boys are bigger doesn't mean they are better. Also, like somone else mentioned, with most sports here, it is 2 grades for each level, my ds's football team was 3rd and 4th grade.
My oldest ds has always excelled at baseball, and usually is one of the best on the team. He has been playing since he was 4. He tried football in the fall for the first time. He was a little frustrated at practices because he was definitely not one of the better players. He rarely got the ball, etc. I would not let him quit for that reason. He stuck with it, and improved so much. He was actually pretty good once the season started. By the end of the season, he was carrying the ball and making plays. He ended up loving it.
I would have made my ds pay back the money also. Our rule is you start what you finish. (Now I did agree with your decision about football, tackle is not for everyone, and shouldn't be taken lightly.) The only way we would let our dks drop out if it was something that was harmful to them. We did pull out my youngest ds from baseball last fall because there was an issue with 2 of his coaches getting in an actual fight at one of the games, and the parents were terrible. My ds was totally freaked out by it. But, this was an exception because of the situation.
I think that if paying money back is what you want, you should have had that deal to begin with. Imposing terms afterwards that he had no chance to agree with when he started is troubling, doesn't really give him a clear idea of consequences and, done out in the real world, results in law suits. 
Let him keep the money and next time, negotiate terms BEFORE he signs up. Let him know that if you pay for registration and equipment you expect him to attend for a certain amount of time (both of you can negotiate the time) but if he chooses to leave before that agreed upon time he has to repay all or a portion of the fees.
Then he has a clear idea of what's expected, what consequences his decisions have AND some experience with writing and honouring contracts which to me, would be the best long term lesson to come out of it all.
But again, I don't think you have a right to make him pay back the money this time.
How about an individual sport like Tennis?
Dawn, does make a good point. My dks both knew the rules, no quitting until season was over, before we signed them up to play.
Boy. If my dh had quit playing basketball back in his day, he would never have become the great 3 point shooter that he is now. He was ALWAYS the shortest guy in his class, the shortest guy on the team. He wanted to play, so he did. It didn't matter that he was usually a bench warmer, he was on the team, he practiced with his teammates, he loved the game. He still plays now, and he is still the shortest guy on any team for their pick up games. My point? If your son really has the drive for something he won't quit. If he really wants to play basketball, he should, no matter what the other guys look like. If it's not what he wants to play, then he should find something else. His age right now is one where kids can get intimidated easily, by different things. I would suggest a couple of things. First, find out if basketball is really what he wants to play. Encourage him to try even though there are taller boys there. There have been some "short" guys in the NBA. I think there are two of them currently playing.
If that doesn't work out, then yes, like Mommie suggested, try an individual sport like tennis, or golf, or something. There are so many sports to get involved in. I think he just needs to find one where he will be comfortable enough to challenge himself to try it.
Hope some of this helps.
Time to sign him up for martial arts lessons! He'll get a great boost in confidence/self-esteem and learn to follow through; I think it's perfect for your son. Not everyone is cut out for team sports. My oldest loves bowling, golf, and karate.
I have no problem with you asking for the money after the fact. He refused to even try, which was not was expected, so the fact that the money issue for him was unexpected shouldn't matter. Circumstances changed because of HIM. It's fine to change the situation in this case and make him pay.
I agree he might be better suited for individual sports.
First off, I'm not sure if I was understood correctly, is ds's mind if all the kids were bigger and taller they must be sixth graders, I found out today that there were five sixth graders and four fifth graders, he just automatically thinks that if their bigger they must be older.
Kaye, I gave him every argument that I could think of when we were at the practice last night, I told him that he was part of a team, and now before the season even starts their one man short.
Vicki, I told him from now on if he wants to join something he has to come to me and we will discuss it. No more my suggesting and him saying oh yes I want to do that, it has to be a true desire of his. I think there was one child that he knows from school that signed up. His neighborhood friends I'm not sure of.
Unschoolmom, that is a change that I am going to impliment "next time" (paying back).
Enchens, I told my son last night that he should try, he shouldn't quit. He should try, not to give up, it was like talking to the wall, he had made up his mind and I wasn't about to change it. As I just said, anything else that he wants to do has to be a true desire coming from him nothing that I suggest, and he feels he has to agree to. Although I will make one tiny suggestion and that would be the individual sports.
Mia, We did bowling last year and he even said today that he wants to do that again, I have to check if we missed it though, I think it goes in the fall. Karate, might be an idea, again he needs to tell me if he wants to do it.
I've learned my lesson here, if the kid wants to do it he will come to me and voice it to me, then we will lay down ground rules as to the consequences if he quits and what money is paid and so on and so forth. Thank you so much all of you for your individual opinions, I absolutely love this board and although I may not be one that posts often you can bet I check it daily and keep up with everyone. Where else can you get this kind of feedback with people from all walks of life, well I know that there are other boards, but this is the number #1 on the web!!
Have a good weekend everyone!!
Why not try to find something where he's not in competition with other kids. A good karate program teaches them control and self-esteem. Is there any place to swim in the winter where you are? Is there a community center or YMCA? We have a really good community center here that is always offering some type of teaching program at really reasonable rates. It is like a Y. Guitar lessons. Scouts. Cup speed stacking (we recently saw a video, this is a huge competition thing but something you can teach yourself at home and compete when you are ready. The kids at my dd's school love this.) Band. Drama. Soccer. Roller skating for fun.
Ditto Kaye and Unschool. I hope things work out better for everyone in future activities!
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