I feel bad admitting this but I really have an issue with my DH's weight. He is about 40 pounds overweight. His "healthy" size pants should should be in would be a 36. Even a 38 isn't that bad. But i've always refused to buy his 40's. Last night we went shopping to grab some new clothes and for the first time in his life, he bought a 42. No hesitation, like it was no big deal. That really bothered me. It's not about the weight he is or the size clothes that he wears necessarily. It's so unattractive watching him coming home and pounding a few beers, eating a half a bad of chips or half a bag of cookies in one sitting. It's bad watching him snack 1 hour before dinner is ready. It's upsetting watching him have midnight snacks. I think it's the complete lack of his care for his body, nutrition and health. I've tried sitting down and talking with him on various occasions but it never seems to work. I've gotten negative with him which is not okay to do but I feel at a loss. It really is interfering with our intimate life. I find it completely unattractive that somebody could care so little about their body. With his job he has a weight limit. He's always over his limit. I don't even think he cares. I don't know what else I can do.

By Heaventree on Saturday, December 30, 2006 - 12:27 pm:

I'm sorry Anon. Sounds like your DH has an eating disorder. Many people deal with their emotions with various drugs; it could be that your DH's drug of choice is food. People eat for all sorts of reasons; they eat when they are happy, depressed, sad, angry, etc. It's a way of dealing with emotion and it can be just a distraction from whatever they are feeling in the moment. Your DH may not even realize that he is eating to stuff an emotion.

You cannot change someone but you can help make him more aware. You could have a discussion around why he eats when he does, ask him what he is feeling when he chooses to open a bag of chips etc. Go to the book store or library, there are plenty of books and if he won't read one, you can and at the very least it might help you understand the behavior better. You can also model good healthly behaviours which you are probably already doing. Lastly offer to join a physical activity together. Join a running club, gym, social dance club, walking club, tennis, whatever. If you do want to help him you may have to put in that little bit of extra effort from a positive motivating perspective.

Your in a tough position it's no different than trying to get someone to stop smoking, but I do think you can help guide him to understanding his issues a bit better if you truly want to. Good luck, big hugs.

By Mrsheidi on Saturday, December 30, 2006 - 12:36 pm:

Who does the grocery shopping?

By Karen~admin on Saturday, December 30, 2006 - 12:48 pm:

What's his body type? Is he a large or small frame guy? Is he active? Is he depressed? Does he maybe have a medical problem going on? Lots of reasons for weight gain, or changes in eating habits, or in any habits, for that matter. And like Heidi said, if you keep junk food in the house, it's that much easier to pig out.

Also, I know from experience that nagging someone about their *bad habits* is the quickest way to make them keep doing whatever they are doing.

Why don't you try a different approach? Keep the junk food out of the house.....try to encourage him to be more physically active by doing things together as a family or a couple that get you out of the house and off the couch.

Do you guys have access to a gym or health club? What kind of meals do you cook?

So many questions.....LOL

By Anonymous on Saturday, December 30, 2006 - 01:11 pm:

I do all the shopping. I buy fairly healthy besides occasional Cheez It's or things for kids snacks. He'll stop on his way home from work and grab a bag of chips or whatever he is craving. I cook pretty healthy meals. Usually a meat, a carb and a vegetable. I hardly ever do desserts because of him. He is a bigger framed guy. What I mean by that he he can gain and lose weight easily. I've seen him go from Muscle Fitness magazine model to complete beer gut in a 6 month time period. He'll get into an attitude where he wants to lose weight and he'll lose most of it. But give him 2 months and it's back on. It's like he binge eats after dieting. He's read book after book about working out. But it's like he seriously can't control his junk food binging. He works out at the gym 2-3 times a week. It doesn't show.

We are going through a lot right now in deciding future career goals which is putting major stress on our finances and getting things paid off to make this goal. But this has been an issue for 2-3 years. Of course, now he's at his biggest weight yet. He's been like this when we've had our least stressful times. His cholesterol is borderline normal/high and he won't go to the doctor to discuss it. He's young... way too young to be worrying about this.

By Hol on Saturday, December 30, 2006 - 02:59 pm:

I agree with Heaventree, it sounds like he has an emotional issue going on. My Dad was like that, and my DS Michael is like that, too. Food is comfort. My Dad was a very loving man, and my Mom was very frigid. She basically "shut him off" at an early stage in their marriage, so he ate, smoked and drank to excess. He filled his other needs with what he COULD get. Even after suffering terrbily with metastatic prostate cancer for 4 years, he was STILL big when he passed away.

My DS was horribly abused when he was little, and then went from foster home to foster home. (We adopted him). Food is a MAJOR issue with him. He is SO afraid of being hungry, he eats almost constantly. We eat healthy in the house, but he works in a grocery store and buys chips, candy, cookies,etc. When I put the food on the table, I can see him counting the portions in his head. If there is anything left over, he always wants it. When he came to us in 2002, he was 13 and weighed about 130lbs. He is 18 now and weighs 217! Granted, he is a lot taller than he was then, but it seems to be concentrated around his belly. He is too young, also, to be so big. He gets very defensive when we talk to him about his eating habits.

As Heaven and Karen said...there isn't much that you can do other than what has been suggested. Ultimately, it is his body and he has to live in it. Maybe the only motivating factor would be if his job were in jeaopardy because of his weight. It also sounds like you guys have some pressures going on right now.

As far as you not being attracted to him...just remember this. He is your husband, you made a commitment to him in your wedding vows. He is there, he is alive, and you have him. Ask yourself how you would feel if you lost him? I sometimes get aggravated with my husband's snoring. Then, I remind myself that he is breathing, he is in my bed and he is alive. He had open heart surgery two and a half years ago, and so everyday is a gift. There are a lot of women who would trade places with you, to have a man who loves them, and is there. (I am not diminishing your concerns. I DO understand).

By Debbie on Saturday, December 30, 2006 - 04:50 pm:

{{{hugs}}} I can totally relate! My dh can gain/loose weight at the drop of a hat. He has been gaining a lot lately, and was shocked at how much he weighed when he went to the doctor this week. He now has high blood pressure, so I am really worried about his health. My dh was very athletic, and has become the biggest couch potato. He is also a junk food junkie. Like you, I don't buy the stuff anymore, but he will stop and buy it himself. We had a big heart to heart a few nights ago. I am really worried about his blood pressure, and his overall health. I told him if he wouldn't do it for himself, do it for us. I asked him if he thought about what it would do to me and our dks if he had a stroke and was permanently effected, or worse, dead. And, it really makes me sad to see how much he has let himself go. I know he is a big stress eater, and we have had lots of stress the last year...him almost loosing his job, two moves, a job change, etc.... I will say talking with him, and explaining how worried I was about loosing him, seemed to shake him up a bit. We are not young parents...he is 44, and our dks are 6 and 8. I told him I want both of us to see them grow up. So, we sat down together this morning, and came up with an exercise plan for him, and he agreed to make some small changes in his diet....for now. Hopefully, he will gradually continue to make changes, so his diet is a healthy one.

So, I guess what I am getting at, have you talked with him about your concern for his health? How it will effect your family, etc. if something were to happen to him. Instead of focusing on his weight, focus more on his health. Maybe, this is a better way to approach him. It seems to be working for me. Dh actually walked on the treadmill this morning. Hang in there. I hope you can find a way to get through to him.