Need Advice....Very Touchy Situation (VERY long. Sorry, but need to vent).
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive December 2006:
Need Advice....Very Touchy Situation (VERY long. Sorry, but need to vent).
There is no point in going anonymous because you are all my friends, but I am very upset about something. You are all going to think that I have the most dysfunctional family in the world.
I am glad that Christmas is over this year. Except for the lovely church service and being with my precious boys, I wish I could have slept through the rest of it.
My DH was a TOTAL bear the entire weekend. He suffers from chronic depression anyway that runs in his family, but then he got in a major "funk" this weekend because of missing our son Dan. There isn't a DAY that I don't miss him and ten years ago yesterday was his last Christmas on Earth. It hurts if I think about it, but I always count my MANY blessings, and I still have so much to be thankful for, especially my beautiful sons that still live home, my daughter and grandaughter.
My DH had been home from work since last Wednesday because he had some vacation time that he had to "use or lose". Thank goodness, the boys and I worked those days. Well, Sunday, he started in snapping at all of us. By the time we went to church at 7:30, I was so angry at him, I sat in the pew way away from him, with Shawn to my left. We got home and ate a special buffet supper that I had prepared and went to bed.
I woke up Christmas morning with the sound of DH yelling at Michael about "P***ing" away "his" money! It seemed that Mikey had left his bedroom light on. Mike is very sensitive, like me, and looked like he was going to cry. Shawn was still asleep. I told Mike to get his jacket. We took a ride (which I always do when I'm upset. I've logged a LOT of miles  ). We rode all around through the back country roads, listening to Christmas music on the radio. None of the homes and farms we passed showed any sign of life. I thought that most of the people in those homes were probably much happier than I was at that moment. (My close girlfriend Carolyn said "You'd be surprised" and I know she's right. Sometimes things are never as they seem).
After about an hour and a half, we came home. I made cinnamon rolls and coffee and we opened the gifts. Then, we got ready to go to my daughter's. I don't know if I have ever told you all, but my adopted sons are not allowed at my daughter's home. It's only been going on five years that they have been here, but my son-in-law wants nothing to do with them simply because they were "state" kids, and therefore, must be "bad" kids. He's a cop and never sees the good in anyone. (They have never gotten into any kind of trouble. They both get good grades and work hard, but as far as he is concerned, they are "bad seed" and can't be around my grandaughter). So, I have two separate lives, one with my daughter and grandaughter, and one with my boys. So, I had to leave my sons home to go visit with my DD and DGD for a few hours.
They have a sweet Beagle that they adopted from the shelter about five years ago. She has one eye. She was heartworm positive when they adopted her and they saw her through it, and seemed to love her until Megan arrived. Now, she is all over me when I go over there because she doesn't get much attention. When I babysit, after I get Megan into bed, I make a point to cuddle with Bandit on the couch. Debbie even said one day, "Bandit wants to go home with Grandma because she loves her more than we do".
Well yesterday, Deb was getting dinner on the table and Bandit jumped up and stole some food off a plate. Debbie yelled and she ran into the living room. My son-in-law ran after her, picked her up by the collar, and held her off the floor. Her eyes were bulging out! He took her to the door and hooked her to her tie out cable and booted her out the door. He started yelling something about "going back to the pound"..."living outside", etc. I was flabbergasted and disgusted and had to bite my tongue until it bled, to keep from saying soemthing. I didn't want it to turn into a bad situation, for my grandaughter's sake. And I had already had MY Christmas ruined. However, I just wanted to go home.
Then they insisted that Megan go down for a nap so that she wouldn't be "an animal" when they visited HIS folks at 5:00. I rocked her and put her down, but she wouldn't stay asleep. He started ranting about how they "might as well cancel going to MY mother's". It was awful.
I was missing my boys and disgusted, so we left around 3:30. I debated about whether to call them and tell them I'd take Bandit, since they obviously don't care about her; and I WON'T have her abused. I am TERRIFIED that if she snaps at the baby, that he will kill her.
He claims to love animals and will sit with the cats in his lap. My daughter (and all of my kids) were raised to love and respect ALL life. She has subregated so much of her personality to be with him.
I want to confront him about his treatment of the dog, but I'm afraid of causing WWIII and losing my daughter. She has stopped speaking to me in the past when I commented about some of the crappy things he did to HER when they were going together. I don't want to be kept from my grandaughter. I also won't put HER in the middle by talking to HER about it. My mother used to do that to me instead of talking directly to my DH. Plus, she will defend him.
I have always feared that he will turn abusive to Deb. Cops have a bad rep anyway and he is extremely jealous. His Mom left his father for another man, and abandoned him and his brother at a young age. Now that she is back in his life, he can't get enough of her. Also, he was engaged before he met Deb, and his ex slept her way three police departments within a 40 mile radius.
What should I do? Confront or not? I can't tolerate abuse to animals (or ANYONE).
I'm sorry that this is so long.
Oh Hol, I'm so sorry you had such a sad Christmas. It's frustrating as Moms and wives that sometimes we seem to be the only sane ones in our families and that having to remind our loved ones how blessed they are is depressing.
I would not confront your SIL about his behaviour it's pointless and you do not want to cause a rift between your two families. Take a week and find your words and speak to your daughter alone. Just mentioned how busy them seem to be and how much you love Bandit and that if she would like maybe Bandit could some and live with you for a little while until your grand daughter is a little older and the stresses of life with a small child have settled down. If they agree my guess is that Bandit will be yours forever, I doubt that they will want her back and by saying it's just for a little while it might be less threatening.
Hugs.
I'm soo sorry you had an aweful Christmas. I think I can top it though. Your right you would be surprised what goes on behind closed doors. My mom found out on Christmas Eve that my dad was having multiple affairs. One of the tramps even called him her sugar daddy and he was ok with that. Needless to say it was an interesting Christmas. I'm a grown woman with a family of my own but this just shakes you to the core.
Thank you. I am so afraid of having everything blow up. That is a good idea, Heaven, offering to take Bandit "for a while".
Anon - That is so awful for your poor Mom, and no matter how old you get, it DOES shake you to the core when one of your parents acts like a child. And what a "nice" time to find out...Christmas Eve! Did he deliberately plan it that way, or did she accidently find out?
I don't know if the expectations of Christmas and all that goes with it is too much, but it sure can bring out the worst in families sometimes.
When I say that he held her off the floor by the collar, I mean that all four of her feet were off the floor. He is about 5'11" and he was holding her out at arms length. Poor Bandit looked like she was going to stop breathing at any moment! I was scared to death and furious!
While I don't want to concern you more than you already are, I would also be very concerned for your daughter just by his actions alone. If he is willing to talk like that and act like that in front of you, I would worry about what he is doing when your not there. The way he is talking about and treating your sons is just not right. I don't think it will do a bit of good to try to talk with your daughter about it. I think about the only thing you can do for her is love her and let her know that you are always there for her if she needs you. He seems way too controlling to me.... does she ever talk to you about it when he isn't around?
It's 'interesting' that your SIL adopted a pound dog, but balks at your 'street kids'. Dogs are redeemable but kids aren't?
I'm sorry you had a rotten Christmas. How is your SIL toward his baby? How old is the baby?
No, she never does talk to me about it. She knows that DH and I are not at all happy about her choice of a husband. She met him on the rebound from a divorce and he was on the rebound from the broken engagement. He has a lot of baggage, as I mentioned above. From the moment she met him, she wouldn't even THINK about dating anyone else even though he continued to be "off again, on again" with his ex girlfriend. Deb moved in with him, and yet he would sneak off to see his ex at a bar, with the meeting arranged by his best friend. (This best friend has had a terrible track record with women, and once "hit" on Deb, knowing that she was going with Tom. This guy was their best man in 2002 and is Megan's Godfather). He kept telling her that he didn't want to get married and she kept pushing, even to the point of suffering a terrible bout of anorexia and bulimia to be "thin enough" for him. Debbie was struggling to pay tuition to nursing school and gave him a graduation party from the police academy. Yet, he asked his ex to come to the ceremony to pin his badge on him.
He HAS said things to her in front of us that has caused us a LOT of worry. When he went through the police academy, they had first started going out. We were at a friend's cookout and he said to her, in front of EVERYONE, "I know how to kill you without leaving a mark on you". Our late son's friend was there and had been a soldier in the first Gulf War. We had to hold him back from decking him. He HATES Tom and will have nothing to do with him. I also have a friend who is a true psychic and told me that he WILL be abusive to her. However, what can I do?
He has this over-the-top over-protectiveness of his own daughter (my grandaughter). That's why I am afarid what he will do if Bandit snaps at her just once. Two weeks before Megan was born, Debbie and I went out to lunch. She sat there, crying, telling me that Tom absolutely will not let my boys near the baby. I told her that I would talk to him and I did. He very stubbornly told me that it is "not negotiable". I told him that I know EXACTLY what it is like to worry about the welfare of your daughter, and brought up the comment at the cookout. I also reminded him about the time she gave up an apartment to move in with him, and as the stuff is being moved off the truck, he says "I'm not sure about this" because he was still seeing Melissa.
He claims that "all" "state kids" are bad. That he has had to go to the house of "every" foster kid in town to arrest them. Just a bit of an exageration!!!
Because my boys were sexually abused when they were little (hence resulting in their removal from their birth Mom), he says it follows that they will be sexual abusers. (We have gotten extensive therapy for them so that it WON'T happen, and they show no signs of it whatsoever).
It is SO hard for me to be around this guy, but I have to keep quiet unless and until something happens.
Kate, my grandaughter is almost two. She will be on January 17th, God willing. She was an "invitro" baby. They went through a lot to get her.
Tom is a MAJOR control freak and an obsessive clean freak. I like a clean environment as well as the next guy, but he can't stop. I had Bandit once for a week while they went to Myrtle Beach, S.C.. I brought her home as they were arriving home. He was in a "mood" and Deb said he drove like a lead foot all the way home. Before they even off loaded the car, he HAD to go into the basement and clean the cat boxes. Another time, we went over to visit and he dissappeared. The next thing we know, we hear him VACUUMING upstairs. I said to Deb, kind of half laughing because I couldn't believe the rudeness "He's vacuuming NOW?" She said, "Well he says that I snore from the cats sleeping with us, so he wants to get rid of the cat hair before we go to bed". At 6:00PM?
After his mother left when he was twelve, he was raised by a work-a-holic father and an Italian grandmother who spoke no English. There wasn't much affection or the learning of social graces in his upbringing. When we go to visit, he never comes into the kitchen to say hello, though I will always go to where he is sitting on the couch and kiss him on the cheek and say hello. If we sit down at his table, he never passes the dishes to his guests first. He dives right in.
I know that these are small things, and I am nit-picking, but it's so hard to overlook even small things when you don't like someone. He is a very unhappy person who never sleeps. Megan has inherited his sleep habits and is a very fussy baby.
Oh dear, Hol. Well, I'm going to address first the situation I'm least uncomfortable with, and that is your dd and sil.
I suggest that you made a big mistake (that you can't undo) by letting your dd know your feelings about your sil. The result of criticizing a child's "beloved" is to make your child defensive. She probably feels defensive not only about her husband, but also about what she probably perceives as criticism of her judgment. Unhappily, both of those areas of feeling defensive will make her less likely to come to you if she has problems. That is a lesson I learned the hard way from my dealings with my sons and their choices of friends and beloveds. Fortunately, I had learned it before one son got involved with a very, very unsuitable and dangerous woman, so when he ran into problems he couldn't handle, he did call me and his father, and we did come to the rescue. And, we didn't say "told you so", but, rather, how can we help?
I suggest very, very strongly that in the future you not in any way express or imply any criticism of your sil to your daughter, in any way, not even by tone of voice or raised eyebrow (or at least try very hard not to). She chose him, she is living with him, he fathered her child, and until/unless he is a hazard to her (and he may well become a hazard to her - I think your anxieties have a legitimate basis), she is not going to express any concerns about his behavior to you - and will probably become defensive if you express any concerns to her - because she already knows you don't approve of him. If you can "fake it" when you're around him, and especially not say anything that can be taken as a criticism or a questioning of his behavior, that may change.
The guy has some major behavior and obsessive/compulsive problems, that's clear, and he is quite possibly a person with a potential for violent behavior, combined with strong and not particularly rational or thought-out prejudices. A lot of it is quite correctly attributable to his upbringing (or lack thereof), but a lot of people have that kind of background and don't behave that way.
But, if your dd feels that you and dh disapprove of her husband, if and when she begins to feel worried about his behavior - towards her, towards your gd, or even towards the dog - she will be unlikely to turn to you. She won't want to face the "told you so", whether expressed or implicit. And it will mean that she has to admit that she made a mistake and that you were right - not an easy thing to do. I think if you and dh can work really hard at suppressing your feelings about him, that would be very good.
He is, of course, idiotic in his attitude towards your sons, and she is less than a good daughter to allow that prejudice. It's really a shame, but I don't think there is any way you can change his attitude.
As for the dog, if it were me, I'd sound out dd first about maybe fostering the dog for a while, to give her a break. The dog should not have jumped up onto the table, of course, and that is a sign of bad training or lack of making the effort to train, on your sil's and dd's part. But his behavior was and is inexcusable. Still, I would sound out dd first, rather than sil. And, if she doesn't welcome the idea or says her husband would not go along with it, I'm afraid that I am going to suggest that you let it drop. Yes, it is terrible to see an animal abused, and you are fearful that there will be other instances of the dog being abused. But if you press on that issue, you will make the likelihood of building up a future trusting relationship with your dd even more difficult - and make it even less likely that she will turn to you if she runs into problems.
As for your dh - well, I just don't know, because I don't know him. I know that when my son Scott gets into a depressive patch, I still insist on appropriate behavior - which means behaving respectfully and decently toward me, the animals, and anyone he has to come into contact with. I strongly believe that allowing people to use depression as an excuse for bad behavior is not a good idea. But, I also understand that when he is feeling depressed, that's not a good idea to confront him. When he comes out of this patch, can you sit down and talk with him about how his behavior made you (and your sons) feel, and that if he is going to demand/expect appropriate behavior from your sons, he has to model it - and feeling/being depressed is not an acceptable excuse. I know that I have told Scott more than once (and just this past week) that I feel that he sometimes uses his depression as an excuse to not behave appropriately, and that I don't accept that. You can be depressed and still be decent to the people around you.
I have struggled with chronic depression most of my life, only having it diagnosed some time after my first son was born. And Scott really, really struggles with and suffers from depression, sometimes very severe. I do feel very strongly that giving in to the depression - letting it rule your life and making it the excuse/reason for all kinds of behavior that would otherwise be unacceptable - only fosters the depression, allowing it to rule your life instead of fighting against it. And I strongly feel that fighting against the depression helps to bring the depressive patch to an end sooner.
But, the bottom line is I am not you, I don't know any of the people in your life, and you have to do what feels best for you.
Thanks, Ginny, and all, as usual. I am like the "sad sack" of the board and I hate dumping on all of you. Other people are dealing with problems, too, some much greater than mine. I am TRULY grateful for my blessings, including my wonderful friends at MV. I journal and get it out that way, and it is like a prayer...a way to tell God what is on my mind (like he doesn't know ). However, having all of you and getting many wonderful perspectives is SO healing for me, and I appreciate more than you all know. (((HUGS))).
I don't have any real advice for you but just want to send out BIG HUGS. It sounds like you are in a bad situation, and I'm sorry you had a bad Christmas. It's an awful feeling when we know our loved ones are on the wrong track in some way and we can't do anything about it without making it worse. I feel so sad for that poor dog! You seem right in the middle which is the worst place to be. (((HUGS)))
This is the place to go to dump!
I can't add anything, but I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
Hol, I took want to send you some hugs, mountain size hugs, I am sorry that you had a bad Christmas, and you really do have alot on your plate, I really feel for you, btdt, I would try to see as the others were saying, to see if your dd would like you to "take" bandit for awhile, I'm sorry hol, I know what it feels like to feel helpless. (((((Hugs))))
{{{HUGS}}} I"m so sorry. Ditto on Bandit. Maybe see how DD feels about letting you have the dog, for a while.
When Bandit jumped up for the food yesterday, Debbie said "She's getting worse". I really believe it is the lack of attention that she is getting since Megan came along. DH and I talked about it tonight and he said, rightfully, that it would be tough to take Bandit here because we have three dogs of our own, but we would take her if they are finding her to be "too much". She was our fur-baby "grandchild" for several years before Megan came.
I agree that we are dissappointed in Deb that she won't stand up to him about our boys. She is not even allowed to bring Megan to our home. She is two and has never been here, the home her mother grew up in. We bought new patio furniture last summer and I said, "Deb, you'll have to come see it. It's beautiful". She looked at me in the eye and said, "You KNOW I can't do that" (because the baby is always with her when she is not at work). That is one of the things that got to MY DH this weekend was that they freely go to SIL's parents' home, but not here. He feels that, ESPECIALLY because we lost Danny, Debbie should make it a point to be closer to us. I personally think that the boys are just a handy excuse. I think that SIL would like to have her all to himself (isolation is also a symptom of potential abuse), and would love it if he had married an orphan.
The day that Megan was christened, we had the service in the church, and a reception afterward. We were TOLD that the boys were not included. Our minister thought that it was AWFUL and offered to intervene, but again, we were afraid of making an even bigger rift. He did say, though, to let them come to the church and see her christened. He said that the church is a public place, and NO ONE is barred. We had elderly relatives who drove some distance to attend and she stayed way over on the other side of the church with HIS family. I had to drop the boys off at the movies and go to the reception. It was the same with their wedding. The boys had just moved in with us, and have never been to a wedding. A friend of ours invited them over for the day. What gets to me is the cruelty! How many times are they supposed to be rejected? My guys have been through enough in their short little lives and have no one but DH and me.
Yet, she bought them Christmas gifts for me to bring home to them (Old Navy gift cards). DH and I are very dissappointed in her.
BTW...I talked to DH tonight and told him that I found his behaviour this weekend unacceptable. I told him that I have my sadness and bittersweet memories, too. He said, "Well, you hide it well". What an idiot! Just because I don't go around snapping at everyone?
Hol, one of the things I have learned over the years is to not expect anyone - especially the people I love - to be a mind reader. If you hide it well, then your dh doesn't know when you are hurt or upset by his behavior, and if he doesn't know you are hurt or upset, he doesn't have much motivation to change his behavior. I would take his comment as a positive sign, that if he had known he was hurting you it might have made a difference. Think about saying something the next time - not in anger, but rather, in disappointment. Something like - I know you are depressed and that makes you unhappy, but when you get so angry and unkind to (me, dear sons, whoever) that makes me unhappy too. Please try to stop being so snappy and angry. I don't know if it will make a difference, but it might. Why not talk to your dh about it and see if he thinks your giving him a signal will help him pay better attention to how he is behaving and to try to moderate his behavior. That's what I have done with Scott over the past couple of years - acknowledge his depressive state but tell him that his behavior is making me unhappy - and really, it has made a difference. And he acknowledges that it has made a difference that someone tells him when he is behaving unacceptably and helps him to try to behave better.
Hol, I wish I could give you a real big hug in person; but since I can't: (((((((HUGS)))))))).....
I remember when my sister was married to an abusive man. I remember how overwhelmed it made me feel even though I was only her sister. I can't imagine how my parents felt. I wish I could give you the best advice but what I will do is pray for you and your family.
I have an adopted daughter and hope to adopt my little dd in 2007. They are such good kids and I would defend them to the death if anyone ever tried to place such a nasty label on them as your sil has. There have been so many successful adopted people. The fact that he has such a racial view about your sons make me wonder what his other prejudices are and if he deserves to wear a badge.
I wish I had all the answers for you. Life can be very difficult sometimes. (((((hugs)))))
I can't comment on the people stuff much. But next time you hear a complaint about the dog, maybe you could give your dd the okay to get rid of the dog. I know you love this dog. But really sentencing the dog to years more of abuse, or even taking it into your home when you have so many already, might not be helping the dog. What's that old saying about loving something enough to let it go? Suggest that they take the dog to a no kill shelter, even look up some info for her. Sounds like a wonderful dog that would make someone really happy.
I am sorry you have to be put through this. I agree with Kaye though. Taking the dog yourself may not be the answer. It sad but you will have to probably wait until your dd sees the light. I hope that she does soon.
Hol, I really feel for your boys they have been through a lot. You are in such a difficult situation it's so unfair that you have to choose between your children. I felt so sad for them being excluded and it does sound like your SIL is just using their abuse as an excuse to isolate your DD from her family. If it were me I would be inclined not to attend things like weddings and christenings if the whole family is not invited but I know that is exactly what this man is trying to accomplish hoping that you will stay away but it must hurt the boys to know that they are not accepted. Such a difficult situation. Have you ever sought professional advice or counseling? Perhaps someone could help you learn how to protect your boys dignity without closing the door on your daughter.
Big hugs Hol, keep the dialogue open between you and your DH, explain how you feel about the loss of your child and that everyone deals with loss differently.
{{{{{Hol}}}}} I can't offer anything that hasn't already been said. Lots of hugs, though. You're not alone.
Hol, I've been looking at this post since you first posted, and I don't know what to say. There are so many overlapping areas, and nothing is easy.
If my girls weren't allowed at functions because of how they joined the family, I wouldn't be there, either. That's pretty tough when it's your daughter and granddaughter, though. Still, the boys must be devastated by this, and they've dealt with more than enough in their lives. Hopefully she'll realize what's going on soon, and the loss of family it's causing all of you, including her and her daughter.
As for your hubby, again I can relate. We've also had a rough couple of weeks. The last 2 weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me because of the season and all of our losses. He gets snappy, probably in reaction to my mood. While I am typically very up, I can't help but feel crushed at the same time. I can go from laughter to tears and back within one sentence. He makes it all about him. When I mention the time, ie Sonja's birthday, he reacts with something like ... "and you expect me to know that's what's bothering you?" MEN! We're made of different stuff, for sure! Anyhow, I just wrote that not to take away from your post, but to let you know you're not alone. In fact, I can't believe what similar lives we lead.
Hang in there!
I'm so sorry, Hol. I'm sending lots of hugs and keeping you in my prayers. This is heart breaking, especially the attitude towards your boys. Any of us could be in their position had we not had caring parents. I would not want to be treated in such a heartless fashion had I been so unfortunate. Are your boys aware that this is the reason they may not go with you to your DD's house? It must hurt them, terribly. I myself would not be able attend unless they were welcomed as well. I feel badly for all of you. Hugs.
Thank you all, again. You are wonderful women, each and every one of you. I send giant (((HUGS))) right back to all of you.
Ginny, I wasn't hiding the fact that I was displeased with my DH's miserable mood. I let him know, without mincing words, when I find his behaviour unacceptable. What he was referring to was that just because I don't mournfully talk about Danny 24/7,or sit in a puddle of tears all day at Christmas, doesn't mean that my heart isn't breaking inside. I have SO many memories of him, since I did get to keep him until he was twenty years old, for which I am most grateful. He was my precious little boy and he and I were SO much alike. When I lost him, I lost a part of myself. When a Mom loses a child, it is a much different loss than that of a Dad. However, life is for the living and I have to go on. I don't want to pull Shawn and Mike down by mourning Dan because they didn't even know him, and it isn't fair to them. One thing that makes me very sad, too, is that Dan would NEVER have treated them the way that Debbie does. He loved everybody and was especially compassionate to those less fortunate. He would be very PROUD of us for adopting them, and very supportive. (Debbie doesn't even talk about Danny that much, either. I think it makes her husband uncomfortable. He never knew him either). My SIL has had thyroid cancer and holds his breath every year when he goes for his scans. With that, and what he does for a living, he stares down death everyday. You'd think he'd have more of a heart.
Sandy, my boys are Caucasian, not that that matters at all, or would ever make racism acceptable, but it isn't racism that makes my SIL not like them. He believes that, because they were victims of abuse when they were little, that they will grow up to be abusers. I don't know what effect he thinks that shunning will have on their ultimate outcome.
Yes, Heaven, we have discussed this situation with the boys' therapists, but in order to hope to remedy the situation, my DD and SIL would have to agree to participate, too, and that isn't going to happen. I KNOW that she wouldn't be like that if she were married to someone different. She and Dan were NOT raised to be prejudiced toward ANYONE.
Sandy and Marcia, as adoptive parents, you understand the misguided attitudes that some people have toward adopted children. Some people ask you stupid things like, "Do you have any "real" children?" (or "biological" children. Aren't we all "biological" and "real"?) As we know, they ARE our "real" children. They are children of the heart instead of the womb. I, too, would fight to the death for ANY of my children. Thay are ALL my children. You are right, Marcia, we are all losing out in my family by my daughter and SIL's attitude.
I, too, am usually an "up" person and I have a LOT of faith, and I think, a good sense of humour. I have learned to smile through the tears, even when my heart is breaking. My DH, too, makes it all about him, like he is the only one who is greiving.
Yes, Marcia, we DO have a lot in common. Besides being adoptive parents and being Anglican, we have also shared our other beliefs with each other about how "eternal" life is.
Thank you, all, again, so much. I was SO down yesterday. I feel much better today, and it is in large part, due to the fact that I have the love and support of all of you.
Thanks, Nicki! Yes, I have told them WHY Tom doesn't like them, so that they can see how stupid it is, and know that it isn't due to anything that THEY have done. And you are so right...there, but for the grace of God...
DH and I have discussed staying away from DD and DGD to send the message that it isn't acceptable, but we didn't want to heap anymore stress on her. And, as Heaventree said, it would give Tom what he wants, separating her from us.
No advice, but I am so sorry that you had a cruddy Christmas. (((Hol)))
Thanks, Pam. The topics in this thread did overlap, but in a way they are all connected. I wish my DD would develop a backbone.
Hol,
I really can't add anything but my support and prayers.
Ame
(((hugs)))) Hol, I'm sorry if I offended you. Yes, I know how some people are about adopted children. My friend once told me that she felt bad for me because I never went through childbirth. I know she only meant it in the best possible way, but I did let her know that my DD came to me in a way that was just as meaningful as giving birth; to me anyway. I do understand.
I had no idea what race your boys were, I was just addressing the fact that your sil was bias against people who came from that kind of background. Again, sorry if I offended.
Oh, Sandy...you didn't offend me AT ALL, Sweetie! I'm so sorry if I gave anyone that impression. And I know that their race is not a factor with you or anyone here. My SIL has big time issues that only he can work through. I just wish that my DD would stay true to the way that she was brought up and not forfeit her own identity and beliefs. She is a smart girl (a registered nurse).
It dawned on me last night, after all the posting that I have done this week on this issue, that my DS Dan's first girlfriend was adopted and he thought it was pretty neat. She and her brother were adopted at a young age. Her parents were really strict; so much so that I used to worry that Dan would speed, trying to drive her home before her curfew. I miss him SO much for so MANY reasons. I know that he would just love Shawn and Mike and consider them brothers in the true sense of the word.
My SIL is just using the boys as an excuse to try to keep Debbie from her family.
Exactly! He sure is a piece of work.
It sounds like your Dan was an outstanding young man. I'm so sorry you lost him. I really do believe in my heart that your daughter will come back to the way she was raised. She will eventually grow tired of her husband's controlling and she will miss you and your relationship with you and will regain control of her own identity and beliefs. Start saying positive affirmations, especially when you say your prayers. "She's a smart girl" "She will desire a relationship again with her family" "
Does that make sense? I know you are a woman of faith. I'd love to further talk with you. My e mail is scott d o t family 4 @ v e r i z o n d o t n e t . ((hugs)))
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