Advice on gift to co-worker - uncomfortable situation
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Advice on gift to co-worker - uncomfortable situation
The paralegal who has been working with my department for the last six months gave me a $25 gift certificate today, as a Christmas gift. I had not intended to buy her a Christmas gift.
Frankly, we don't get along all that well. We have had some issues, and now have a way to work together and get along in a reasonably friendly fashion most of the time, but there is at least one issue a week - mostly because she seems to think I am the department secretary, and therefore her secretary, when actually I am the secretary for the attorneys. She often drops her filing into my filing box, and drops her outgoing mail in my outbox, explaining that "the copyroom copiers are busy and I don't have time to walk around and find another copier". I am, in fact, raising the filing issue with her tomorrow. In a week or two will try to get through to her that I don't mind making one copy of a letter and getting it out, but I don't want to have to make 3-5 copies of a multipage document and unstaple, copy, and restaple other documents that go with her letter.
So - do I buy her a gift or not? I don't know much about her or what she likes. She got me a gift card for Barnes&Noble, but that's easy because I always have a book and am reading on my breaks and at lunch.
The firm is big enough that we do a Pollyanna, and participation is voluntary and not generally firm-wide. Some people who have worked together a long time give each other token gifts (though I think $25 is significantly more than a token), and there is a clear rule that you do not "gift up" (to the bosses) except in very token ways.
So - feedback, advice, please.
I would not get her anything. Maybe it's a Thank You for helping her out every now and then. I wouldn't feel obligated to gift because she did.
(I'm a paralegal, by the way.)
I tend to agree with Mommmie, this could be her way of saying thank you to you for helping her out. When I give a gift I don't do it and expect something back, so I would say you shouldn't feel obligated. If you do feel like you need to get her something you could always use the g/c she gave you & buy her a desk calendar or something.
Ditto above,I wouldn't give anything either.You should just give because you want to and not because you feel obligated.
Ginny, I always tried to play it safe and be nice to everyone but it's not worth it.
I agree with everyone, do not give her a gift.
Ditto Tripletmom, gifts should be bought because you want to, not under obligation. I would write her a nice thank you note and remember her gesture the next time she gets on your last nerve. LOL
I wouldn't get her anything...you'll just start a tradition you'll have to follow next year, too. Do you bake? You could make up a basket of cookies for everyone in your area and just bring that in. Or bring in a fruit basket or fudge or something. I have a fudge recipe that a friend swears will change lives, LOL! What do you do for others in your firm? Do you participate in the 'Pollyanna'? What is that again?? I asked you one year and you explained and now I've forgotten! Is it like our Secret Santa here? Anyone who wants to draws a name and buys for that person?
Yes, Kate, Pollyanna is Secret Santa. I think that is a Philadelphia/Southern New Jersey term. Yes, I participate in the Pollyanna, and this year happily I drew the name of someone I really like and who has done me a lot of favors over the year, so that was easy.
Not only did she give me a gift (and our mutual bosses), she also brought in a big platter of cookies and candy. I suspect, from the way our bosses reacted - including telling her that the firm rule is that you don't "gift up" but they thought no one had told her - that her gifts to them were noticeably more than tokens.
Based on your feedback and my own feelings, I'm inclined to (a) write a nice thankyou note, and (b), ask my son, who bakes quite nicely, to bake a couple of loaves of bread between Christmas and New Year that I can give to her. I don't think I can just ignore it without making more hard feelings between us. I'm not much of a baker or candymaker myself, any more. I used to, but it is a great deal more work than I want to go to any more.
As for when she gets on my last nerve - I just take some deep breaths and remember what my bosses told me at the worst of our having problems ... that if anyone would go, it would be her, because they think I'm indispensable. Their words were that I'm the linch-pin that makes it possible for our department to function well. Which feels really good, so when I get irked, I just try to walk away, do my job, and remember what my bosses said.
As for helping her out, I tried to when she first started but she made it very clear by her actions that she would ask anyone else in the firm for help before she asked me, from day one.
Basically, when she started I was prepared to like her, but after all we've been through, I really don't like her. I can get along with her M/F 9-5, but only by mostly just minding my own business, doing my job, and only raising issues with her when they really drive me batty.
It's a real problem, because often I see things that I'd like to talk over with her, but she is very defensive. Sometimes I have to raise an issue with one of our bosses, but I really hate to do that because it feels like tattling. Unfortunately, she has no qualms about talking to her particular friends at the firm about any issues she has with me, so when things were really stormy it turned out it was all over the firm, and the secretary supervisor called me in for a meeting to find out what was going on from my perspective. And we wound up having a meeting of my bosses and the secretary supervisor and me, which is when my bosses said all those nice things and also said that as far as they could see and hear, I had tried very hard to get along and be pleasant and work together, and the friction was in her attitude and behavior towards me.
This is a lot more than I had intended to talk about, but your feedback encouraged me. I guess what I will do is the thankyou and some Scott-baked fancy bread, and hope she doesn't get me anything next year.
This is so darned uncomfortable. I have never been in this position before, of not getting along with someone I should be working closely with. And it makes all kinds of little problems, because I don't know what she is doing on a particular case and we wind up duplicating effort or not passing phone calls to the proper person - stuff like that. It's frustrating. And it's a darned shame, because I really like my job and I like my bosses (and their bosses) very much, and I was prepared to like her and share the load with her. The feedback I have gotten from the first few months at this firm is that almost everyone in the firm thinks I'm a very nice person, cheerful and easy to get along with, and always willing to help out when someone else has too much work and my load is lighter. I get rave reviews not only from my bosses (and their boss) but from the secretary supervisor, too (who is not an easy person to get along with, but I do get along with her in the limited contacts I have with her).
Thanks, all, very much, for the feedback and advice. It really helps.
So...she has time to get all these gifts and make all these cookies but she doesn't have time to find a copier?
Sounds like she's trying to overcompensate for what she's done in the past. (With all these gifts.) And, if she were to give gifts to everyone else and not you, she would look worse. Seems like she knows she's in the hole when it comes to her workplace behavior. She sounds young though. Does she have a mentor? Or, is it you?
Baked goods are a good idea. You have a good son, Ginny. 
PS- Is this the first time you've asked for our advice??? LOL Usually it's the other way around.
Ugh, sounds so familiar.
Ginny, Just a thought on the underlying problem of her having you do certain work. Do you know for sure that the "bosses" clearly defined her job desription so she knows where her job starts and ends as well as your responsibilities. The reason I ask is because at my firm a paralegal would utilize various secretary services so if she is overstepping her bounds at your firm I wonder if she knows the boundaries. As to the above advice I agree with a nice thank you note but no gift.
You need to return the gift and explain that you do not feel comfortable taking a gift from an equal at the company. What it sounds like to me is that she thinks You work for her. You make her copies, you do her filing and all without asking. There needs to be some clear boundaries set and I'm not sure if you should be the one to set them. Maybe, the lawyers need to have a meeting with both you and her to establish these boundaries. A $25 gift is more than you would give to just an equal employee. It is a gift you would give to YOUR secretary. I wouldn't accept it; I think your asking for trouble if you do.
I don't agree with Tsa, I wouldn't return the gift. Maybe she is trying to mend things up and start fresh with you?
I would get her a card, and a small gift. Maybe a box of chocolates or a plate of homemade goodies, if you do that. Nothing major.
Tis the season to be jolley
At our firm paralegals and secretaries aren't equals. The food chain goes attorneys, then paralegals, then secretaries and that's because paralegals are time keepers whereas secretaries are not.
Is that not true at the law firms where y'all work? Granted attorneys can be very protective of their secretaries if they like them which can put them in a very cushy spot, but the bottom line is paralegals bring money in and secretaries don't. So, for me a secretary gifting a paralegal is gifting up.
For the record I gave my secretary mall money and she gave me a gift card that was totally unnecessary. I don't expect her to get me anything, because I too don't think gifting up is appropriate.
One possibility that I didn't see mentioned is that keeping the gift card may obligate your services to her in the future. She may try to hold it over your head, as if to say, "I did that nice thing for you for Christmas, now you owe me." I don't know if she would be that manipulative, but it's one thing that occurred to me as I was reading your post.
I would definitely be careful. I have never worked in an office environment, but in the places I have worked (mostly retail) it would be inappropriate to accept personal gifts from bosses or higher ups. They used to give out gift certificates for good work performance under a corporate-wide reward program, but they stopped doing that before I quit my job.
I kind of feel like she is trying to: a)obligate your services to her as Cocoabutter put it, or b) apologize for her inapropriateness in the past, or c) she is just the type of person that gives gifts and we are reading way too much into it.
I don't think I would give it back, but I can definitely understand how uncomfortable this has made you. Homemade goodies as suggested, I think, is the right way to go. But, how would you handle it if she does this next year?
I had a superviser who would pry into our personal lives and when we'd get mad, the next morning there was always a little gift on our desks. Though that was her way of apologizing, I would rather have had her just apologize. I felt manipulated into feeling guilty for getting angry at her the day before.
Ginny, why does she keep doing things when you have obviously made yourself clear about your boundaries? I certainly hope your bosses aren't telling you one thing and then telling her another just to stay out of it. I mean, I have a hard time believing she is that dense. I think maybe a meeting with you, her and your bosses is in order to make sure everyone is clear about their responsibilities. Also, are you the only secretary? God bless you if you are. Keep us updated as to how things are going. ((((hugs))))
Also, you mentioned above that you are going to tell her that you don't mind making a copy and sending out a letter. Well, I might want to rethink that. If she is not supposed to be dumping work on you then don't offer because I get the feeling that she is one of these people that you give an inch and she takes a mile. I would just keep quiet about that, otherwise, you may find that your one little favor turns into a dozen little favors. Just a suggestion.
Accept the gift, then have your talk with her as you had planned. If she is giving you a gift with the intention of it being a *bribe*, or an obligation on your part, then she is giving a gift in the wrong spirit, so shame on her. Don't buy her a gift, since as you said, she is not someone you know well or even like well. You're not obligated to buy her one. She gave you a gift freely, no matter what the reason, and if her reasons *are* anything other than sincere or pure, then she will learn a powerful lesson from this.
I would just write a thank you note and not reciprocate with a gift for her. That will send the message that you don't intend to make this a yearly thing. It sounds to me like she is very insecure. I don't think the gift was an apology OR a "thank you". I agree with Heidi that she gave you the gift because she wanted to "gift" everyone else, and if she didn't give you something, it would make her look worse. I, too, wondered if she is really young, without a lot of workplace experience, and maybe needs to be informed about the way things are done.
I agree that, after the holidays (for the sake of goodwill and cheer), I would request a meeting with the attorneys, yourself and her to delineate the boundaries and job descriptions. That way, when you refuse to do something, it is documented. At my new job (a human resource consulting firm), we watched a video just yesterday about the importance of documentation in the counseling of employees.
I also agree with those who say that she may have given the gift in a manipulative way, to silence your future objections to her behaviour, or to make you look bad if you don't reciprocate, especially since she likes to gossip. Also, if she didn't have a motive (such as expecting a gift in return), then why didn't she wait until Friday to give you the gift?
It sounds like your firm is a rather large one. Starting next year, why don't you suggest that the firm "adopt" a charity and give a donation to it in lieu of gifts. That would eliminate this sort of thing, and it is usually done annonymously so that those who do not wish to participate stay annonymous.
I agree...it is nice that YOU ask US for advice. Usually, we all go to YOU for advice.
I'm courious as to what her gift tag said. Was it simply Merry Christmas, or was it something like thanks for all your help, Merry Christmas.
I asked because if she mentioned anything about what you do for her, that was clearly a thank you gift, I would not get her a gift, I would write her a thank you note. I would bring in the bread for the entire office, but I would make sure that I made it my business to personally tell her that I brought bread in for the office. And leave it at that, at first taht's what I was sayingg to my self use the gift card and buy her something, ( but it could lead to her thinking that you too are exchanging gifts now). And I also believe that the gift is a way for her to compensate for her behavior, she sees and knows that she has had a horrible attitude in the office and I think this is her way of apoligizing and maybe trying to start anew.
I wouldn't feel obligated to give her a gift, but I would have your son bake some bread. It sounds to me like she is brown nosing you Ginny..LOL
The gift was just a gift card in the Barnes & Noble fancy gift card holder, saying Happy Holidays - and no card. I really don't know why she gave me a gift, except that she was giving gifts to the three attorneys. I have no idea how her mind works. I don't think she was brown-nosing, because I don't think she sees any reason why she should. I do think that if I don't acknowledge and reciprocate at least a bit, it will become office gossip - which I loathe (I tend to loathe gossip generally). I also doubt very much her gift was in any way an apology, because I doubt she thinks she has anything to apologize for. I think she just is a person who gives gifts to everyone in the department she works in and that included me.
Our job descriptions are pretty clearly delineated, but she oversteps a couple of times a week, so that's why I have to say things to her about doing her own filing or her own copying/mailing. And there is an issue I am going to have to raise with the attorneys again, after the first of the year.
The whole thing is tricky and messy, because I don't want to sound like a whiner or tattler but I realized a few months ago, when things got stormy, that there were a whole host of little things that built up into a big mess of things.
She is, in fact, a very good paralegal in most ways. And having her come on board took a lot of work off my back, which was great because the case/work load has increased dramatically in the past year and we'd really be up a tree if we didn't have a full-time paralegal.
I think part of what happens is that I am a person who will almost always go the extra mile or pick up the extra task - which is part of why my bosses love me - and she is a person who won't unless she thinks it will impress the attorneys. I'm not interested in impressing the attorneys (though I cherish their very positive feedback) - I want to get the job done the best way possible so (a) the work is done properly and (b) it reflects well on us as a department and a firm. Part of it, for me, is that I really care about what I am doing, because most of the time we are working on behalf of injured people and trying to get them some compensation for their injuries, which makes me feel good and makes me feel I'm on the "side of the angels".
I cannot adequately express my thanks for the opportunity to vent.
She gifted the attorneys?? Ok, that's just weird.
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