Men and communication. Oxymoron? You decide.
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive January 2007:
Men and communication. Oxymoron? You decide.
Is there a book out there that helps men communicate better? My DH has only 1 sibling who is a male and grew up with mostly men in the house. (His mom traveled and worked a lot. I swear he doesn't know what to do when I cry.)
He's devoid of sensitivity at times and doesn't seem to have a clue how to be "actively" participating in our relationship. I'm usually the one asking him questions about his day, in detail. All he asks is "How was your day?" He doesn't even try to keep up with something I'm looking forward to or worried about lately.
Are men really this simple and this lazy? I get tired of putting in 90% and leading our relationship.
Any of you ever been in this situation?
I can relate! DH gets on his own little tangents, in his head and when I say stuff, he doesn't "hear" me at all! I should say he "hears," but doesn't "listen!"
The very next thing out of his mouth, will be something he is thinking about, not a reply to have I've just said. It's been going on for 19 years. I don't think it will change now!
I've got a very good, sweet dh whom I love very much, but........
The man DON'T listen. Example I told him Friday that he needed to pick up dd at dance class b/c I have to work. He says "OK, not a prob" so I think he has heard and registered the comment. He then calls on his way home from work to ask where I am. I reply "at work". Dh then says "do I need to pick up dd?" Why do we bother? I've ordered a book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (sp??). I don't remember who told me about it, but there was a comment made about how this lady started following the guides in the book and her husband started listening to her and treating her like a queen. I'll let you know what I think about it when I get it.
Sometimes I get so aggravated I just don't think I feel like even trying.
It's not a matter of communication. It's a matter of being plugged in to the marriage.
In general, most men don't communicate very well at all, at least not verbally.
You didn't give much information to work with, but it sounds like the problem you have is that you are both in your own little worlds, rather than sharing the same one.
I read Dr. Laura's book a couple of years ago. I need to read it again. It illustrates how much power a woman really does have to change the entire marriage for the better. For instance, how much interest have you taken in your dh's day to day issues?
Growing up with all men in the house may be an important issue in your relationship with your dh. There wasn't much male-female interaction such as romance or respect modeled for him, and perhaps he has always felt abandoned by his mom because she spent so much time away, which may have led him to be insecure where women are concerned. You need to take that into consideration, and handle him with kid gloves.
Oh boy, it sounds just like my marriage, and I've been at it for 38 years!! I've given up trying to get him to listen. Like Dawn's DH, he will go on and on about what interests or worries him. I USED to get really involved and take his "causes" as my own, rejoicing or worrying with him. However, after so many years, it was never reciprocated. My concerns were never heard. If I asked his opinion about something, he'd say, "I trust you 100%. You always make good decisions". Maybe it was a compliment, but more like a cop out to me. If I go to him because I am fuming at the kids for something (sometimes just needing to vent), he'll go SO overboard in lecturing them that I stop being mad at them and feel sorry for them. They are always polite and respectful while he is delivering his "sermon", but afterwards, they look like they want to explode. LOL!
Men's brains are most definitely different from our own. They are one track minded, I guess from being "hunter/gatherers". They can only focus on the matter at hand. (However, let a woman in a skimpy outfit walk by and their "train of thought" suddenly "leaves the station". 
After so many years, I just go about my business and make my own decisions. I don't expect any interest or involvement. If I want something done, I do it myself. If it is something that he MUST do, I have to tape post-it notes to the bathroom mirror.
My DH had a very poor role model, too, growing up. He had two siblings, way older than he and grown and gone by the time he was eight. His Mom really disliked his Dad so they had no affection or romance for each other.
He is a good man and works hard, so I have learned to accept what I cannot change.
I have another that doesn't listen. We have a great marriage, but he doesn't hear things. I have always thought that I would love to be able to record our conversations so that when he says I never told him I can say, "wanna bet"! He is so self involved at times.
I don't think it has anything to do with your DH being around men mostly. My DH was mostly around women and he is the same way. I know this probably won't sound right, but I had to train my DH to listen and respond. I told him that even though he is a good man, I get my feelings hurt when I am talking about something important to me and he only listens with one ear. If I am talking about something important or need his attention or comfort, I start out by saying, "I need you to listen. " or "I need some comforting" or "I really need your attention", then that is his clue to focus in on me. My feelings are that men like to meet our needs, but they view "needs" as monetary, or physical, or providing food and shelter. They forget about emotional. Also, when he does listen or pay attention or comfort me, I return by doing something for him. ex: get him a drink, or a snack or lots of kisses and hugs and I try to always remember to thank him for listening and remind him how important it was for me that he did that and what a good husband he is. I hope that helps. I was in your shoes and i know how hurtful it can be. Good luck, sweetie.
I'm bringing this back up to plug Dr. Laura's book. I got it right after Christmas. Now, I have to tell you first, that I think (thought) I was a good wife to my dh but I do get aggravated with dh from time to time. It seems sometimes like the more I ask dh to do a certain thing, the more likely he is to do it a different way or something different. ARGH!!!
But I started reading that book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Oh my gosh. No wonder he acts the way he does sometimes to me. I feel sorry for the poor guy. I have started trying to really treat him the way I think he really wants to be treated and thinking more about what I say to him and when. My word. After a few days I think the man would hang the moon for me again if I asked. That book has convicted me of some of the things I say and do. I think every woman who wants to be a really happy wife and wants to be married to a happy husband should read that book. Warning: Dr. Laura is brutally and harshly honest. But I really can not disagree on anything I've read so far especially since I have seen such a change in dh. The book is so easy to read and is full of examples from her callers. I have a hard time putting it down. There is another thread where a lady recommended reading it, too. I'm going to pass it around to my girlfriends.
Thanks! I will get it soon!
I don't know how I missed this post the first time around. I think I am going to pick up this book too. We will be married 20 years this coming October and lately, I just kind of feel that things have gone into "routine" mode. Don't get me wrong, we get along great and have no real issues at all, but I do think communication could always improve and maybe this will add a little spark to something to get us out of "routine". I want him to hang the moon for me too! LOL
I have read in books or studies or heard in church that when you have a problem with somebody that you can not force that person to change. But you can change yourself. And in learning to change myself, dh is changing to what I wanted him to do in the first place.
That book has convicted me on so many things. Like this one guy who was talking about how he decided early in his marriage that he would help out around the house because he loved his wife and started with doing the dishes. But his wife complained that he didn't do something right, so he changed to her way, but she stil complained, and so on. Finally, he quit altogether and then she complained that he never helped out. Poor guy couldn't win for losing. They wound up divorced. I don't think I'm guilty of that particular thing, but I have complained of certain things that dh never seems to get right and pretty soon he doesn't do the thing at all. The book is so full of examples and so many of them make me feel badly. Every time I pick it up, I find something that hits home. And I have a hard time putting it down. I can not recommend it enough. Like I said, it is harsh but there is nothing in it that I have found to disagree with. I know it is making my marriage better and I don't think my dh realizes what is going on. He just smiles more and holds me more. He even came home and started washing dishes while I was cooking supper last night. He spent about 30 minutes on the computer and the rest of the night on the couch watching a movie with me. His spending too time on the computer is one of my biggest gripes. I've started giving him reasons to want to be with me instead of with the computer. It's great.
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