Not sure how to feel about this.....
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Not sure how to feel about this.....
We were walking through Walmart the other day and I said to DH how it seems like everyone has a mean look on their faces. I told him that I hope I don't look that way and he smirked. So.......apparently I am one of those people who always look mad. I didn't even realize it. Later on, we were talking about it as a family and DD said I look that way because I really AM angry all the time. I asked if they both felt that way and they said "yes". I guess I have been somewhat annoyed lately with everything going on. Little dd's court hearing was postponed until January because some dummy didn't file the paperwork on time. This is the 3rd date for this now and, yes, it is irritating. Also, big DD, being almost a teenager, has been somewhat challenging, and she really does not see the sacrifices we make for her. (I know this is normal, but still irritating) I won't even start on DH. So, I wonder if they realize just how much I have on me and how difficult things can be sometimes; especially around the holidays. I guess I shouldn't blame my irritance on them, but I am only human and I'm a little put out by their attitude towards me. Maybe I make their lives a little too easy. Anyway, thanks for being here so I can vent. 
Vent away!
I feel the same way, too, sometimes. Well, a lot. Yes, it is VERY difficult when many things go wrong at once (the car breaks down, I bounce a check, ds acts out....) and then you have the holidays (Starting October 15 thru the end of the year, we have my grandma's b-day, MIL's b-day, Halloween, ds' b-day, TG, my b-day, my dad's b-day, XMas, and New Year's) and the shopping and cleaning and decorating, etc....
BUT, I have to remind myself that it is up to ME as to how I react when things go wrong. I can't make everybody else miserable just because I can't handle life. Everybody else has things that they have to endure as well, and I don't need to make my mood and my attitude one of those things. Don't get me wrong, I have to correct myself constantly (as does my dh) and stop being a b!itch. It helps that dh and I had a long talk one day, and I told him, very sincerely, that if I get difficult and start taking things out on him or our ds, for him to call it to my attention and stop me. It's okay for me to be in a bad mood once in a while, as long as I don't allow it to affect my family. So, if I need to chill out, dh watches ds while I go shopping, take a long strenuous walk, or soak in a hot bath. Those things do wonders.
Best of luck, and put a smile on
I've walked passed a mirror before and saw I had a mean look on my face and I didn't even know it! Then I realized I was tensing up and I relaxed the muscles in my face. I have to make a conscious effort to relax my facial muscles and that softens my look regardless of what is going on in my life. Also, another thing that helps is getting my eye brows waxed professionally. It really opens up my face and lessons that mean look. Course, finding things to laugh at helps too. Maybe you can do these types of things to help the mean look despite the stress.
BTDT, got the holes in my heart. I felt like I was a good mom. It was tough with 3 boys and dh in the house. Dh was in college. I worked FT and OT to pay the bills and make ends meet. Then helping the boys with school, cleaning, shopping, and on and on and on. Did NOT feel even the slightest bit appreciated. One day we had a similar conversation regarding how I always looked mad. Floored me, I cried off and on for several days.
Finally, I took stock of myself. I wish I could remember the book I started reading. If I can find it, I'll post it. But basically it made me understand that you can let life rule you or you can rule your life. I put God back in front seat of my life instead of in the trunk. And without having my eyebrows professionally waxed (although I love it when they are done-it always feels so smooth), my face began to feel brighter. I began to smile at strangers on purpose just to smile. They'd smile and it would make me feel good.
Months later dh was commenting on my appearance. Had I had my hair colored, new shirt, something different?
You all are definitely right about not letting life rule me. What really has me bothered is this whole thing with little dd. I try very hard to trust in God and keep Him in the front seat, but every time I turn around, there is just one setback after another. I am struggling to keep faith alive in my heart. MomX4, if you remember that book, let me know, and Mommmie, you are right about eyebrows in that I always feel better after I shape mine perfectly. Cocoabutter, I can relate about all the birthdays an holiday clustered all together. That could also be another reason for stress. I do need to make an honest effort to try harder to not let things bother me so much. Life can be so painful. It's just hard to deal with sometimes.
Amen!
My whole family has the mean look naturally and it's a pain, everyone thinks we are standoffish but we're not. I try to make an extra effort to smile or at least smirk when out in public. It is hard to do sometimes when you don't actually feel like it.
Sandy, I'm so sorry they postponed the hearing for your darling little DD. I was just wondering how it went. Why are they always losing paper work or forgetting to file it? It's like that here in MI too. My daycare provider is waiting on a hearing for her four nieces and nephews, their father (her brother) was killed by their mother and she has been given custody but they keep postponing the hearings. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you so much Bemerry. I believe in the power of prayer.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers as well, Sandy. I can't imagine how hard this must be to wait. Hugs to you.
Thank you so much!
Sandy, I will certainly keep you in my prayers with regard to your younger dd. That has to be incredibly frustrating and a bit frightening, to not know and have to just wait on processes and other people.
I agree with others, you are responsible for how you react. But, sometimes other people are responsible for doing things that make you feel angry or unhappy. I wonder if a family sit down to talk about things and set up some ground rules (and penalties for breaking the rules) might help.
One of my groundrules, always, was that you have to speak and behave respectfully, to me and everyone else. You don't have to love me (or whoever) or even like me, and you can be angry with me, but you must speak and behave respectfully to me and everyone else in the family - and the rule applied to me too ... no yelling, no name-calling, no door-slamming, no "you never" or "you always" (because no one "never" or "always" does something).
Another rule that was important was to be clear what it was that we were disagreeing about. Sometimes we found that A though the disagreement was about X, and B thought it was about Y - and when we figured out what was the root of the disagreement, sometimes there was no disagreement. Part of that, also, was to keep the discussion (respectful argument) to one topic - no kitchen sink stuff (you did this today, and yesterday you did that, and last week you did the other, and your friends are disrespectful, and you don't do your homework, and last year you got a D in math). Stick to one discussion/argument/battle at a time.
I haven't raised daughters, but went through the teen years with three sons, and with my middle son it was a trip I don't want to repeat. It seemed like we were always at odds, always arguing, and one or the other or both of us in tears. One day I realized that I had done that before, when I was the teen, and didn't want to do it again. My son and I talked, and one of the rules we made was that we would not talk about something when we were angry, and if one of us started getting angry we'd call a time out, and come back later when both of us were calmed down. I can't tell you how much difference that made to our relationship. Another thing I learned from that son was to think about something before I said "no", instead of giving a knee-jerk "no you can't!". I found there were times when, after I'd thought about it, there was no good reason to say no except that my parents had said no in a similar situation (and I resented it then). Other times I would say, calmly, why I thought something he wanted to do was a bad idea and what risks I saw, and he would agree with me, that he hadn't seen the risks and it wasn't a good idea. And sometimes we were able to work out compromises, so that he could do something he wanted to do or go somewhere with his friends but with restrictions, like he had to be home at a specific time, or, most importantly, if there was booze at a party he had to come home (without drinking). When we started working on how we related to each other, it made a marvelous difference, and we were both a lot happier and spent a whole lot less time being angry.
That's why I think it is important for a family to sit down and work out groundrules for how everyone behaves to everyone else.
Finally, I wouldn't be raising a teen today for anything. As difficult, and sometimes very frightening as it was when my boys were in their teens (in the 80s), it has to be a lot more difficult and frightening now. I can only tell you that this too shall pass. My boys are now 30, 40 and 45, and we are all friends. It was touch and go oftentimes, but it all worked out.
One other thing - when you are under pressure or have had a bad day, figure out a signal to tell your family so they know when to walk on tiptoes around you. I had to large buttons - a smiley and a frowney. When you walked into our house, after you came through the vestibute the first thing you saw was a lamp. Usually the smiley button was on the lamp shade, but when I'd had a bad day, I'd put the frowney button up and my sons would know that this was NOT a good day to do anything that might upset me. They respected that, and they appreciated having the warning.
I still alert people I am working with, or the son who lives with me, if I am having a particularly bad day, and they all appreciate it.
Ginny, I think a family meeting is definitely in order. You have some great ideas which I will use and also, thank you for keeping me in your prayers.
I suggest you try keeping a diary for a week or two, of events that upset you and how that makes you feel, and, of events that make you feel good. I am sure you will see a pattern, for both kinds of events.
Another thing that we did in my family is that it was against the rules to jump on someone the minute they came in the door. We tried to give each other 15-30 minutes to get home, unwind, put things away, etc., before asking them to do something or complaining about something. Of course, if the task or the issue was really important and couldn't wait, it didn't. But there weren't too many of those.
Oh, and we are all pretty good at letting people know when they've done something that is annoying, but we often don't tell people when they do something that makes us feel good, or say thankyou when someone does something. In my family we try to say thankyou for even ordinary things - like, thanks for setting the table, you did a good job on XXX and I appreciate it, it was really pleasing being with you when we did XXX and I enjoyed it, and so on.
I don't know why, but a lot of people think that while they have to be courteous to outsiders, they don't have to have manners with their family. I wasn't raised that way, and my feeling is that my family is more important to me than anyone else, so I try to be courteous to my family.
You are right Ginny. My family is most important too. I think keeping a diary is a great idea. I'll start that today. Thank you so much. You give great advice!
(((HUGS))) Ditto Ginny- An unhappy me makes an unhappy wife/mommy/friend.We have family meetings when things start to run not so smooth.My favorite motto is-A family who plays together,is a family who stays together.We have family meetings.As mentioned up above we HAVE to respect eachother.Everyone gets to talk about their feelings without being interrrupted and their feelings are respected.You'd be amazed what a family meeting can do.We are all a team and thats how a family functions-together.(((HUGS)))
Sandy, you've taken the hardest step, the first step, in deciding you want to change things - including yourself. Making that decision is always the most difficult thing to do, and the most absolutely necessary. Good for you. Keep in touch - we've got your back.
Thanks
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