Not sure I want to be a SAHM anymore.
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive October 2006:
Not sure I want to be a SAHM anymore.
Some days I feel like I love being a SAHM and other days I feel like i'm totally losing my identity and have nothing in common with adults. I have been a SAHM for nearly 4 years (since December 2002) minus the 4 months I worked part time last year.
I feel like i'm ready to do something for me. I never do anything for myself. I feel like I need a self esteem boost by going out and showing myself that I am more than just a Mom and a wife. I know being a Mom and wife is a very important (if not the most important) job but lately it just doesn't feel fulfilling. It would definitely help our financial situation as well since we have been arguing more lately due to financial stresses.
I think i'm just starting to hate the idea of relying 100% on somebody else to support me, even if it is my husband. I don't know where this is coming from lately. It's a weird urge.
I don't mind going back to work and putting Kaitlyn in daycare. She loved it so much last time that even after I quit I kept her in it part time. I feel guilty about Nathan though. I feel like he deserves me to raise him full time just as much as Kaitlyn did. I'll miss him a lot. He likes to be held all the time and I know a daycare won't do that.
I can't get my thoughts together. If we were financially on track I wouldn't mind postponing work until he were atleast a year old. But now i'm starting to think about DH and I having our disagreements lately. Nothing horrible but were both extremely stressed about our finances. Tax season will put us back on track again but thats another 6 months away.
I dunno, i'm just rambling. Sometimes I wonder if the finances make us argue or if it's just covering up a deeper issue.
Now I guess i'm rambling about 2 different things.
{{{Melissa}}} Okay, I am going to tell you what I really think.  I hope I don't offend you, I don't mean to at all. First of all, having a second child really changes things. It is hard having two little ones at home. So, that may have a little to do with your feelings. I know there were lots of times the first year that I was pretty stressed and overwhelmed.
You went to work once, and didn't like it. Now, you are thinking you don't like being at home. I would suggest that you do a little soul searching before you make another decision. You need to really look inside yourself, and try and discover why you are feeling unfulfilled. Is it because your at home, is it because of your relationship with your dh? I think you need to try and figure out where the feelings are coming from before you make another big decision, which going back to work is. I definitely think that woman can loose themselves when they stay at home. It is really important to take time for yourself and pursue things that interest you. You can do this and stay home. I also feel that being a stay at home mom is not for everyone, which is okay too. If money is a stress, is there something, besides going back to work, that you could do to relief some of your financial burden? I would definitely think about all these things before you make a decision. If you do decide that going back to work is for you, then Nathan will survive in daycare. I totally believe in the saying "If momma ain't happy, then nobody is happy" You just need to really think about what is going to make you happy.
I do need to do some soul searching. I just don't know where to start.
{{{Melissa}}} Can dh watch the kids, so you can take some time to yourself? I find that when I go for a walk, or sit quietly at the park, I do my best soul searching. Maybe a nice long walk on the beach?? I think sometimes we are afraid to really be honest with ourselves. I went through a bad time a few years ago with dh. I was so mad at him, or so I thought. He had made some decisions that I wasn't happy with(our move)But, when it came down to it, I was really disappointed and unhappy with how I was handling things. I had let myself go, gave up things I enjoyed(reading, exercise, to name a few) It was hard to admit, I was disappointed and mad at myself, it was much easier to put all the blame on dh. Once, I admitted that to myself, it was easier to take the steps to change it.
I guess i'll elaborate some more since I have a few minutes.
I think for so long I identified myself by the success (even through the hard times) of my marriage and my child(ren). I think DH and I are hitting a bump in the road though. Finances or whatever, i'm not sure if either of us are happy. Sometimes I wonder if we're growing apart. Other times I don't think we are because we still occasionally have that spark and we have a wonderful time. We've been having diagreements a lot lately. Twice a week on average. Before we had disagreements maybe once every few months. I just don't know what to think. I'm afraid of my marriage failing but I don't know what else I can do to make it work. DH and I have a love/hate relationship lately. We wonder how we can love each other so much yet when we argue we hate each other to pieces. I just don't know what to do. Maybe looking for a job is a way to help me fill the void of the losing battle with my marriage?
I don't know what i'm looking for. But if my marriage is indeed failing the first step I need to take is to get a job to support my kids. I don't want it to fail but I cant keep holding onto what's not there if DH isn't willing...
Then I also realize we've been married for 5 years. We've been through infidelity, alcohol issues, gambling etc... and we came out on top. Why now? Why the finances? If we made it through all of that, can't we make it through this?
((Hugs)) Debbie has great advice! I don't want to offend anyone at all, but I think the biggest downside to marrying young and having children young is you don't get the chance to a)be free and enjoy life, whether that's married OR on your own and b)you don't get the job background, financial stability, education as an individual that you have to let you know that no matter what you can stand on your own. That's just my opinion. Once you have those things aside, then you can concentrate on other things because that isn't an issue for you anymore.
I'm going to be really honest and I hope you're not offended. From my point of view, I think it has always sounded like you're not getting what you want from your marriage. You tried going back to work and didn't like it. You're at home and are second-guessing that. It seems like you're so young and just have never done something for YOU. Whether that be your dream job, your dream education, or just something that you're interested in. You take care of your 2 children and IMO you're raising your DH, too, and that CAN'T be fun. I'm sure you feel like you have no identity but 'mother'. Now you're in a situation where you have 2 little ones and nothing to back you up if you were to split with your husband.
Soul searching takes time alone, unforunately. Is there anyone that you and your children can stay with while you think about your marriage and what you want? It doesn't sound like your DH taking care of your kids while you go it alone for a few days is a)what you need or b)something he's capable of. I think it sounds like you need more than a few days.
When you get what YOU want out of life first, and then start giving that life to your children and your husband, you're in a much better situation. It didn't happen in that order, but it doesn't mean you can't get there. It just means that hard changes have to be made.
As a SAHM, I sometimes have lonely spells or feel that Im not mentally stimulated, but I always feel fulfilled by it. On the other hand, I had a fantastic life before my dd was born and planned it that way. I don't feel like I'm missing anything because I already did it. As hard as it is for me to understand sometimes, I agree with Debbie that being a SAHM *isn't* for everyone, but I agree with her also that you shouldn't jump into anything.
Really think through your marriage and what YOU want out of life. You've been married for 5 years and as far as I can see you've been through some SERIOUS issues that would equal a half lifetime of marital problems. What does that say to you? Half of being a happy, successful SAHM mom is having a wonderful spouse/partner that gives as much as he gets. That's just marriage in general. It means that you spend, play, rest, and work equally in general. On any given day, that might be unbalanced, but in GENERAL, it's there.
I think you've been given so much to deal with at a young age Melissa, and it might be catching up with you. I hope that you can figure out how to be happy and fulfilled, whatever that might mean. "If Momma ain't happy, nobody's happy" is really a truth IMO, and that means starting with YOU. You're spouse shouldn't bring you down, but lift you up. ((hugs)) Hope I haven't offended.
You've been given some really great advice above. I can't add to it, but I just wanted to say I hope it works out. (((Melissa)))
{{{Melissa}}} It sounds like more of a marriage issue then a stay at home issue. You guys have been through sooooo much, more then most go through in their entire marriage. Does your dh also realize that things are going down hill? If he does, and both of you are willing, and want to make it work, I suggest counseling. It helped my marriage tremendously several years ago. If your dh is not willing to commit and try to make things better, then you have to ask yourself if this is what you want. {{{hugs}}}
This is not what I want. When we talked last he asked me if I want a divorce. I said if this was the way things were going to be then yes. But I can't walk away feeling okay with it right now. I don't feel like we've exercised everything to make it work. If I suggest counseling, it's a work issue. If I try talking with him, it turns into the "poor, poor me" story and he jumps into defense mode. I've even tried using the "we" and "I" instead of "you" approach. I don't care to do marriage counseling through the military because I had a really bad experience last time with the chaplain siding with DH and hiding things in regards to the infidelity. I don't trust the military. I don't know what else to try.
It seems like I married a person that leaves all the important decisions up to me. Everything from our relationship, to parenting, to appointments.... everything! If I gave him the ultimatum to get us into counseling or watch us walk away, i'm sure we'd walk. He'll "forget", he'll get busy at work. Something will happen. It always does.
Melissa, I can relate on so many levels. I married at 17, been married 6 years, having our 4th and final child, one of us has been going to school, and money is not always plentiful. The stress in those things seem to always be directed at eachother. I understand what you are saying as far as loving eachother and having a great time together and then wondering why you married in the first place all in the same day. We have been there and even recently. It doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed or you need to think of leaving. It just means that it needs some work. It takes a lot of work to keep communication open and usually that responsibility falls on us women. I really think you need to think about what feelings going back to work would give you. You would feel like you were contributing, an equal, independent, useful, smart, more appreciated, It might give you more ground to say things like "you give them a bath, I worked all day as well". Those are just things I can think of, but I think all those things can be accomplished and better if you were able to effectively communicate to your dh exactly what you want and need. Him knowing that you are unhappy but not sure why is probably frustrating to the both of you.
You guys have been through a lot and have dealt with a lot of issues. It is worth the time and effort. Your dh I am sure loves you and the children and cares. Men can be a little late in growing up and a little slow in learning to love us the way we need to be. It takes time, but on a good day you would probably say that each year gets better and so hopefully after this bump is dealt with it will continue to get better. Really it is all the bumps along the way that helps us love and learn better.
Ditto Deanna 100%. Only you can make YOU happy.
Good Luck.
I have a lot to say...but really only a few minutes.
One thing to consider is if your marrage is going to fail, you don't need a job, you need a career. Maybe there is some schooling you could do to fullfill both the need for adult interaction, mental stimulation and a career path to boot.
I agree with Debbie & Deanna 100%.
Melissa, only you can answer all these tough questions about your marriage and whether or not it's failing or if you want to continue to be married to your dh. Know that whether you are married to your dh or another you will always have issues to work out. Have you had your fair share? Oh yes for sure.
Listen my dear don't throw in the towel yet, you are at a very difficult stage right now and it's not the time to be making life changing decisions. I'm not saying don't think about these things but just try to step out of the situation for a moment if you can. I've done all the things that Deanna mentioned, travelled, had a career, had my children much later in life, I'm 39 and I have a 1 year old and a 2-1/2 year old and I can tell you even with all my years of experience and adventures having two young children and staying at home is difficult and it puts a strain on your relationship. I can also tell you that it gets better.
Certianly do some soul searching and try to find things that are just for you, I know you attempted other things in the past, I'm not sure whether or not you have succeed but you must continue to try. One thing I can tell you that taking time for yourself even if it's just one night a week will help your self esteem which I think is actually the issue here more than anything. If you can't afford to go out and do an activity then go to a seniors home and volunteer the rewards are incredible, just sitting and talking with someone for 20 mins. can make that person's year. Many seniors have family that don't come and visit them at all. I know this might not sound like the ideal as you give to people all day long why would you want to go out and give some more? Anyway it's just a suggestion, I've done it before in the past and it's life changing. You'll have to find your own thing.
You cannot change your dh that I'm sure you know, you can only change yourself and how you respond to situations. Set some ground rules in your marriage, there are rules for fighting like no name calling, no putting each other down, no yelling and if counselling is not an option for you there are plenty of books out there, find out that suits your relationship stlye. If he's not willing to work, you do the work anyway and if your marriage ends at least you can say you did everything you could to make it work.
I do think first and foremost though you need to work on your self esteem. Going back to work may or may not be the way to do that, you might just be able to do that and stay at home. I have a friend however, who is a much better wife and mother when she is working, she was not happy staying at home and went back to work. She has a more successful relationship and bright, intelligent wonderful children. You are lucky to live where you live and in the time you are living you have choices.
Good luck Melissa, you are worth it and you deserve a happy life.
We married young and had kids right away. We never had the "alone" time before kids. And, we married shortly after highschool. We were both in our first year of college. So, there was really no "alone" time for ourselves either.
We've been married for 8 years now. We hit a rough spot around 5 years. Things are so much better now. I have a good friend that said there will either be a "5 year itch" or a "7 year itch". I always thought she was crazy. But, it was true for us! Everything seemed to be going nowhere. We would argue a lot. We would talk about divorce. It was not a fun time.
Now, looking back, I see that we were just young and immature. I wouldn't trade my DH for ANYTHING in the world. We have such a strong marriage and relationship now. We are on the right track in life and are moving onward and upward. I could only imagine where I would be now if we would have caved into divorce. 
All that being said, I think that every situation is VERY different. Only you can decide what is right for you.
I've been a SAHM for over 7 years. There are days when I think that I would love to go to work and just get out into the world again. But then one of my DK's wakes up with the sniffles and they want to cuddle in front of the fire. At those times I know it's so worth it to be a SAHM. I would be crushed if I had to haul them to daycare because I HAD to go to work.
I have, over the past couple of years, involved myself in a couple of different community projects. I've met a lot of people, and it gives me something to focus on other than SAHM stuff. But, I still have the benefit of being a SAHM. I have met the best of friends through volunteering with these programs.
I don't really have friends right in my neighborhood. Most of my friends live out of the area. So, I spend a lot of days alone. I use that time to focus on these projects. I also have a small hobby that makes me some extra money on eBay. Not a lot of money, but a few hundred dollars a month. I use it for fun money.
Sorry to ramble on. Just wanted to let you know that I've BTDT with the feelings you are having.
I'm going anon, but if you'd like to email, let me know your address and I'll send you and email ;)
(((hugs)))
Ditto Kaye on the job....NOT a job, a career.
I think if you have to give counseling as an ultimatum, then he's not willing to do it anyway.
Ditto Anon. I've been married for almost ten years and I know our roughest point was around year 5. Divorce was tossed around a few times, counseling was started but didn't get very far. We stuck it out and things really smoothed out by year 7. Even when we hit a rough point now, we know that we're in it for the long haul and that we're better together than we are apart. I've been a mostly-SAHM and there were definitely times when it seemed monotonous and unfulfilling.
Getting out of the house with friends that didn't always include kids really was a huge help for me. I needed to be someone other than Mom and wife and spending time with women I liked helped me realize what was important to me, helped me discover what *my* personality was (I'd completely lost touch with my likes, dislikes and values) and renewed me so that I could be a better mom and wife. It's only been recently that I've realized that being a SAHM is the thing I love most about my life and I probably won't go back to work when all of my dks are in school fulltime, which is what we'd always planned on. I use to crave being out of the house, around other adults and away from my dh and kids. Now I think I've found a good balance of time alone with DH, time alone with the dks, time with my friends, time together as a family and time alone...really alone. I've realized that I need all of those different things in order to be the best me I can be.
Please come to us anytime you just need to talk. You're sure to get differing opinions but all the different perspectives may paint things in an unseen way for you. {{{Melissa}}}
Hey Melissa...first of all, I think you rock for putting yourself out there and being so transparent. We all have a lot to learn from you. I have also been contemplating being a SAHM and am looking into some sort of preschool/daycare for Connor. (For different reasons, but my DH and I have also had some rough patches that we pulled through, only because we made a resolve and rules for the future so the same arguments didn't resurface. That's a key point in arguing...both people have to say what they are going to do from now on and follow through.)
How much does he help you at home? With the kids?
What kind of communication does he respond to? My DH would get defensive if I just came right out and said something. I've found (and this is just with him) that, if I wrote a heartfelt letter and let him go to work and think about it, his initial defensiveness flew out the window. I complimented him on how I like such and such...but, when it came to what I was concerned with, I asked him for help. Part of being the man of the house is providing protection...protection over your heart is one of them. Ask him to protect you from feeling this way and see how he responds.
He also might need to grow up a little and you might have to try to surround yourselves with "real" adults...not military ones. The military has such a bubble over these guys that they aren't in touch with reality. I personally think they baby them too much. Does he want to stay in for life? Is there a guy that your DH could learn from and could trust?
Sorry for all these questions but, above all, you are a strong woman and will find a good solution.
{{{HUGS}}}
The only thing I really have to add is. Being a working mom is not all its cracked up to be either. Believe me. I used to work second and that is part of what I miss about it. I had all day to get house work ect.. done. Now I feel like my house is never clean. Last night I was busy from the min I walked in the door at 5 until almost 8 with cooking, cleaning, homework ect.... I feel overwhelmed with it all sometimes. So I don't think that is your answer. More money maybe but how much will you spend on daycare? Plus you tried it before and didn't like it.
I think you know there are deeper issues here. I would focus on that if it were me. Yes, you may have to be the one to fight for this marriage. I am sure your husband is fighting for it to in his own way. Lets face it and I don't want to offend you. But he has not shown to be the most mature person in the past. I don't expect this to be different. But there has to be a reason that you married and love him. In other words this is not his strong quality but he has others. If the marriage is what you want then you may have to be the one to step up and fix it. I think I remember you saying that he addressed some of his parenting issues and that got better right. Well maybe it will in this area to if you go to counseling. It seems to me when he sees you working on something he usually jumps in right. At least that has been is MO in the past. If you do try ie getting counseling and he doesn't make any effort then you have your answer. But I think you might be suprised. Good luck whatever you decide.
Even if you have to give counseling as an ultimatum, it can work. Dh didn't want to go when we were having problems. I had brought up the idea several times. He is very private, and didn't want to air his dirty laundry to anyone. Finally, one day I told him I couldn't live like this anymore, we needed help. He needed to commit to counseling, or we were going to end up divorced. He agreed. We had a male counselor, that dh really liked(I liked him too). He taught us how to communicate better. He also asked great questions, that really drew my dh out. I found out so many things about him that I never realized, and we had been together for 6 yrs. I know lots of men feel they have to be strong, and they don't want to confess their insecurities, etc. Our counselor made us feel very secure in sharing things. So, I saw my dh in a whole new light, and understood him better.
I think once we have children, we don't have a right to just quit a marriage(except in extreme situations...abuse, alcoholism) You need to do everything in your power to make it work, then if it doesn't you can walk away guilt free.
....I also wanted to add, as long as you have strong feelings, whether they be love/hate, you have something to work with. It is when you start feeling indifferent toward the other person, that there is a real problem.
Melissa, I have not read all the posts so forgive me if I am repeating!! Have you been to the doctor to discuss post partum depression issues??? Please go and talk with your doctor about this being a possibilty before making any major life changing decisions. I agree your husband isnt perfect and I can speak because you know mine is a big retard.... ha I have to explain things to him 10x before he finally gets what I am saying. Sometimes I have to have someone else explain it to him.
You just had a baby. A SECOND child. You are still adjusting hormonally, physically and emtionally. Please take some time out to take care of YOU. Go see your doc and then arrange some time that your kids are cared for by someone else (not your dh) and go do things that you want to do. (get your hair done, exercise, take a class, scrapbook, go to the beach and lay in the sun!!! Go have a drink with the girls) ... And then see is you don't start feeling human again.
I had PPD after Blake. I didnt go to the doc until he was 8 mos old too find this out!
I also had to remind my dh repeatedly that being at home is a luxury and it can also be miserably lonely!!! If you dont have support from him- get some from somewhere else. Make it happen for YOU.
((((BIG HUGS))))
And being a sahm is HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But you know what, it's hard to get up and go to work outside of the home everyday with 2 babies to get ready!!! You would get tired of that quickly and miss being a sahm. It's being on call 24/7. You have to make sure you are doing something away from kids and dh for YOU. And you know what it's a lot of work to make that happen. But it's worth it.
Andi has focused on a triathalon training. Is there something you can focus on that you want to do? Even if it is just going for a walk 30 min a day by yourself or every other day... Or finishing a scrapbook.
Thank you all for your advice. I don't really get offended by anyone here. There are 4 message boards i'm a member of and when I have a problem I usually come here for the best advice, whether it's good or bad. I've been around here since Kaitlyn was 2 months old so you all have been around since the beginning of everything and seem to "know" me better than the other boards and can give better advice. Thank You.
I did talk to DH again last night. We talked about our financial situation. We're still not on the same page so hopefully having a counselor intervene can help us to better understand each other. We talked about our marriage and how it will continue to fail if we do nothing about it. He told *me* to find a counselor. Since we can't afford to pay for one I decided we'll just use a resource through the base (I think maybe even our insurance will cover a few sessions with a real counselor). I told DH that finding a resource will best be done through his work therefore i'm leaving it up to him to put in a bit of effort and help me/us out.
We'll see where this goes. Thanks for giving me a place to vent and for handing out good advice. I do take it all into consideration and I do think with the older I get the less crap i'm willing to put up with.
We were typing at the same time Conni.
You know, DH is really good with the kids now. Nathan's face just lights up when DH comes home and Kaitlyn runs up to his truck to greet him. He's done a full 360 as far as that's concerned. There are times that DH has said "When I come home i'll take the kids and you can go get your nails done." But I can't do it. When our bills are this out of control and DH is spending $300 going out to the desert once a month, why would I contribute to being broke by having nice nails? It's just the way I am. I've always been one to sacrifice my wants/needs, even before kids. I guess now it's really taking it's toll, huh?
My little tid bit of advice--I don't know anything regarding your religious beliefs. But at our church, we have some marriage counselling services and they will pay for a church family for 4 visits for real professional marriage counseling sessions.
If you have a church, check that out. It's just a thought. I'd rather go thru my church than the military services. I'm not knocking the military, Lord bless them each and every one, but I have dealt with some of their services of this sort and they are not of the best.
It sounds like DH needs to cut out the $300 a month to the desert until finances are able to handle it.
And maybe instead of going out to get your nails done when DH offers take a book to the park and sit and read or go to a friends house and visit. Or go to the mall and walk around.
Just get some alone time every once in a while it might just help.
Dh's insurance covered our counseling. We just paid a $15.00 co-pay. We went every other week, so it was just $30.00 a month. I would definitley see if your insurance will cover it. {{{hugs}}} And, you know Melissa, I know it is frustrating that he leaves major things for you to do. BUT, I would suggest taking the high road, and find a counselor yourself, if he won't. He is willing to go, so make sure you do. It could really save your marriage. You know Dr. Phil always says "someone needs to step up and be the hero in the relationship" Let that be you! Find a counselor, and get in there, and get help! If it turns your marriage around, I promise, you won't care in the end, that you alone had to take the steps to make it happen.
P.S. It is wonderful that he has changed so much with your dks. It just proves that he can change, which is a great 1st step.
We don't have the extra money for either of us to do tons of fun things on the side, so I try to think of everything that I like to do that's free or close to it when it's time for *me*. Dh is the same. Occasionally I will go shopping, but that's just not in my budget for all of my free times! I'll scrapbook, cross stitch, walk, or just hang around the bookstore or library(but that's something I love to do!)
$300/month on something that's considered 'free time' or 'fun' is outrageous if you ask me. Ditto Tonya. When you buy a home, that will be your property taxes my dear!
It sounds like your marriage is your major concern. I agree with many others who say that you just had a second baby, are still adjusting, etc. All of that is very true I'm sure. Dumping marital problems on top of that makes it even worse. It sounds like if you're depressed it's because your marriage is on the rocks.
It just seems to me like your marriage has been in need of counseling since day one. I think you have to ask yourself 'When is this going to end? When is it going to get better? When is it going to start being someone more than me?'
Debbie is so optimistic! Maybe you shouldn't listen to me, but it's just something to think about. For me, when this much time has passed in your marriage and your STILL beating your head against a wall and your not sure of your feelings for DH....seems like time for some major changes but that's just ME.
I'm not an advocate of throwing away your marriage, or any marriage. Kids need 2 parents in the home IMO, but haven't you been through all of this before? The same 'ol same 'ol it seems like. At some point you have to do what's best for you.
Deanna- I'm looking at both sides of the situation. Having you on one side and Debbie on another actually gives me a really good perspective. It gives me a lot to think about.
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