Trying to teach my son...
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive September 2006:
Trying to teach my son...
...not to be so selfish.
He has had a history of trading things or giving things away and then a while later- maybe a week or a month- changing his mind and asking for the item back. We have even had this problem with trading video games in at Gamestop, where they buy, sell, and trade used video games. He will get a few games together to trade in, and then a month or so later regret his decision and want me to buy him another game of the same.
I have talked to him extensively about it, and explained to him that when he gives it away, it is no longer his, so he better be sure that he wants to part with the item.
One reason this happens so much is that my son is a push-over and has a hard time putting his foot down when he is pressured, so he will trade even if he doesn't want to. Then he really regrets his decision, and that is why he asks for the item back. But more often, he really thinks it is what he wants to do at the time, and then he simply changes his mind.
I have made attempts to place moratoriums on trading, but somehow it has never worked. One time dh actually gave the okay in my absence.
So here's the story: Last May we went shopping for a birthday present for one of his friends. This boy doesn't have as much as we do since his parents are trying to support 3 boys, ages 11, 14, and almost 18. They only have one video game system. Ds had a specific video game in mind that he wanted to buy for this boy, but we couldn't find it. So, we came home and he decided then and there to give this boy his GameBoy Color unit and one game to go with it. So, I was proud of my son for his giving spirit. As it turned out, this boy used his birthday money to buy more games to go with his present.
About 2 months later, ds came home with the GameBoy Color unit and all of its games and said that his friend didn't want it anymore so he gave it back to him. I must have had a brain lapse cuz I did NOT think to ask the very important question, "So did you ASK him to give it to you, or did he offer it to you?" duh.
As it happened, this boy's parents bought a used car and when they got home they found in the backseat *GASP* A GameBoy Color unit! But they didn't have any games to play on it because the boy had given them all to my son.
So the 2 younger brothers came to my house and demanded that my son return the games that the boy had purchased with his birthday money, saying that their mom had said for them to get them back. So, I called their mom which is when I found out that my son had actually asked the boy for the GameBoy Color unit - the birthday gift- back a couple of months ago.
So I didn't realize that his penchant for asking for things back was this bad until I heard that. I WAS FURIOUS. I made him return not only the games that this boy had purchased with his birthday money, but also the GameBoy Color unit as well.
Then I took away all of my son's video games. Every single one.
I handed him 2 cardboard boxes and told him to pack up all of his games and the consoles and units that they are played on. (He only has 3 game consoles and 2 handhelds.) Then I hid them in the basement.
I also called the mother of another one of his friends, one who pressures my son into trading, and explained to her that ds is absolutely NOT allowed to do any more trading of any kind, whether it's video games or not, and I asked her to brief her son.
This video game thing has gone too far. It is far too important to my son, and, IMO, to all of his friends as well. I would guess that all of his friends have at least 3 systems, and one of his friends (remember this kid?) has ALL of the systems except the Xbox 360. It's like a disease, like a cold. One kid sneezes on the other, and the other has the bug. My son gets a new game, and this friend goes to his mom and says he just HAS to have that game. That kid's mom gets him a new game, and my son just HAS to have the same one. It's totally nuts!
It's even harder on my son because I decided earlier this year that I will absolutely NOT buy him any more games. We have a chore chart and I keep track of what chores he does and how much he gets paid, and when he earns enough, he can buy his own darn games.
And it makes it especially harder for him when he sees his friend's mom buy everything he wants.
When I calmed down I explained to him why this is such a problem. For one, it means that he is untrustworthy. No one can trust him to keep his word, or to leave the trade alone.
Second, I explained to him that, while it is okay to have feelings, it is what we do about those feelings that determines what kind of a person we are. You may go to your friend's house and see something and want it, but it is not okay to ask them to give it to you. I played the devil and the angel to demonstrate the difference.
And third, I explained to him the significance of a GIFT.
I am hoping that he learns from this. As Dr. Phil says, you have to deal with your child's currency, and that is his currency.
I don't know how long I will keep his video games all packed up, but I plan to make the time away from them worthwhile. Maybe he will see that he can live without them.
Wish me luck!
(and thanks for letting me vent...)
Wow! I think he definitely needs to be without his gaming systems for a while! There is life beyond video games!
I think it was good he gave back the birthday games and the Gameboy color. He needs to understand that gifts are given freely and never seen again!
I think you are handling it well!
*sigh* The "fun" parts of parenting! I think you are handling it well, too. Good luck!
Sounds like you did a good thing. I think one of the toughest parenting lessons for those who "have" (see the debate board..LOL), is teaching our kids that it is a priviledge "to have", not a right.
I also just particularly think video games are evil fast! I have had more issues and friendship problems with the dumb things. I put a moratorium on game trading about 2 years ago over a really stupid issue. The reality is just this, those games are expensive, but they treat and trade them like they are disposable. Not cool.
Good luck sticking to your guns! I know it is hard, but it is the right choice.
Well, I think you handled it well. If your ds can't handle trading, and I think it is hard at this age, then he shouldn't do it.
We finally broke down last year and bought my 8 and 6 yr. old a playstation 2 for Christmas. Last year, they saved their money and bought gameboy advanced handhelds. I set down the rules from the very beginning...there will be no trading...period, and the games for the playstation will not leave the house. Both of them really only use their handhelds on trips, doctor's appt., etc, so they haven't been a problem. My ds's don't seem to be that into the video games, and I am so glad. They would much rather play outside with their friends. I can see how it can get out of hand very quickly.
Emily has a Gameboy Advance. She really only plays it in the car, on long trips. I can't remember the last time she even played it! Maybe because right now, her passion is Runescape, on the internet.
Wow,Good for you.A hard lesson for you're son to learn,but a very important one.Kudos to you.
My kids both have a ds and they share a playstation. We may even still have a N64 lying around but they aren't allowd to play them on school days. Sunday night from 6p.m. to Friday after school all electronic games are banned. Latley they haven't even been playing with them on the weekends as we are always busy. Tonight dd and I are going to see Disney Princess on Ice, Tomorrow Ds has as carwash with the Young Marines and Sunday we are going to the Neptune Festival. I try to keep them as busy as possible but those games do come in handy on the road trips. As for the originial intent of this post....My son had to learn a very similar lesson. He was breaking, loosing or letting his friends break (take) his toys and expected me to buy him a new one. I finally put my foot down and told him, I only buy things once unless there is a really good reason as to why I need to buy it again (my neglagence). Once it is gone it is gone. Good luck.
The kids around here don't ever trade games. It's never come up with any of their friends. They might loan someone a game overnight but it's never been assumed that they'll get to keep it. My older dks each have a DS and a PS2 and my ds has to earn time to play on any of them with good behavior at school and home. I think you've done the right thing by laying down some strict rules. It sounds like the trading and gifting of the games was just leading to so many problems. Does it feel good to know you won't be dealing with them any more?
I also wanted to add that I think it is good that you are now making him buy his own games. My ds's take very good care of their gameboys, and I think it is because they saved for a year to get them. I also don't buy any games. They save their own money, or get them for birthdays, christmas etc.
Thanks, gals!
Ds does like to go outside and play, too. He rides his bike and plays football with his friends. In fact, he gets annoyed when he feels that his friends only come over to play his video games, and not with him. So it's not like he plays them ALL the time, but they are by far his favorite activity.
Come to find out, there is one other parent who has forbidden her son from trading any more with my ds because of his issue with always asking for stuff back. So yes, it is nice to know that I will not have to deal with it anymore. The only problem might be getting his friends to understand this new rule as well. As I said, my ds tends to be a push over. 
Thanks Debbie, for the vote of confidence. I have realized within the past couple of years since I quit my job (and we don't have that extra money anymore) that somehow he needed to learn the value of money and earning what you get. I must admit, between my parents and I, we were spoiling my ds since he was a toddler. They'd always buy him toys and stuff when he visited them ("It's the grandparents' job to spoil them and send them back home" ) until I talked to my mom about the fact that he needs to learn the greater value of their relationship beyond the stuff that he can get from them. And when I used to take him to the store with me, I'd always buy him a small toy. But within the past couple of years, it has been more difficult to take him shopping anywhere because he always expects to get something. He doesn't throw those embarrassing fits in the stores, but he does get a major attitude when he doesn't at least get something out of a shopping trip. It got to the point that I told him, "If you go with me, you will not get anything, so you may choose between going and not getting anything or staying home with daddy." Many times, he'd choose to stay home. I go without him whenever possible, which is why I am glad school is back in.
I have a gamer son (11) but he and his friends have never traded games. I remember the Pokemon and Yu-gi-oh card trading, though. I never intervened and there were lots of hard lessons learned (for a lot cheaper than the cost of games!).
Maybe you could let him play Runescape where you can trade all day long and you can learn that hard lesson over and over and over until it sinks in. Once traded, it's gone.
One thing though I didn't understand (I blame my peri-menopause). You say he's a pushover so does that mean other kids are pushing him to make trades he doesn't want to make? But then you said he's asking for things back and the other kid is giving in. So is the other kid the push over? Both parties are push overs and making trades they both regret? Either way, you did the right thing stopping the trading of games. They are too expensive to be treating like Pokemon cards.
I am not sure if the other kids are necessarily pushovers as well. I know that it is only with some kids that he feels "safe" putting his foot down to, and others he does not. He doesn't always get the respect he would like, if he says no, and then they persist. I have told him that if he has a problem with his friends, he can come to me and I can set things straight, but rather than getting help from me, he decides to give in. Sometimes he says he does it "just to shut them up."
In fact, we just learned one such lesson a couple of weeks ago. "Jimmy" was over after school one day and asked if he could borrow my son's Pokemon Sapphire game. So, ds comes to me and asks, "mom, can I let Jimmy borrow my Polemon Sapphire?"
I said, "I don't think it's a good idea. What if he loses it?"
He said," Please?"
Well, since the cost of these games doesn't come out of my pocket anymore (well, technically it does, but you know what I mean) I said, "Okay, but if he loses it, it's gone!"
Sure enough, Jimmy lost the game. Ds wanted me to actually drive him over to Jimmy's house so that we could tell Jimmy's parents that they have to buy him another game. While it would be nice if they did, I don't think that marching over there and demanding a replacement would be appropriate for either me or my son to do. But I sat down with my son and reminded him that I warned him that this could happen, and he decided to go against my warning anyway. He said, "But he wouldn't quit ASKING! He even asked me earlier that day at school, and then even after school."
I said, "Just because someone wants something doesn't mean you have to give it to them. You either need to start standing up for yourself or come to me and I will handle Jimmy!"
So, another lesson learned. I did call Jimmy's dad and asked if he knew that his son borrowed a game from my son and lost it. His dad made Jimmy clean and search his bedroom, but so far, we haven't heard anything. At school Jimmy did tell ds that he would buy him another game, so we'll see. Jimmy's mom called me this morning and asked if he could spend the night because she had a death in the family and had to go out of town. Unfortunately we have plans for early tomorrow, and I couldn't help her out. I somehow don't think that replacing the game is very high on the agenda.
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