Want your opinion
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive September 2006:
Want your opinion
Yesterday my DH received a postcard from one of his customer's daughter. My dh is in sales and this customer is one of his best and biggest accounts. The daughter is a freshman and moved out of state to college. Her father, dh's best customer, told dh the other day that his dd was lonely and homesick and so she was going to be sending dh a letter and he has requested that dh correspond with his dd.
In the business dh is in his customer's are usually family run business with all family members involved so he gets to know everyone and is often invited to parties they are throwing etc.
I need to know what your thoughts are on dh corresponding with this young lady. I feel that it is odd and I honestly don't really like it. Perhaps I am just jelous/petty and need to get over it?? For some reason it really hit me yesterday when my 13 year old brought the mail in and said to me "who is this girl writing to Dad and why is she writting to him asking him to write back?" It feels like dh has this whole other life that we really know very little about nor do we really fit into. Not to mention the fact that it just feels inapropriate to me for a 38 year old man to be corresponding with a 19 year old girl.
When I told dh my thoughts on it he said.."She is in college in XXXXX state you have nothing to worry about and her father asked me to eMail or send her letters so that she wouldn't be so homesick. He is one of my best accounts so I need to keep him happy." To me it makes me feel as if his customer comes first.
That's just weird. I guess if he keeps it very general, it would be ok, but I still think it sounds weird. How close is your family with this family?
Dh is the only one who knows them. The rest of us have not even met any of them.
It does seem like it's stepping over the boundary of a business relationship. I can see a young girl corresponding with an older brother, uncle or family friend in such a situation, but not one of Dad's business associates. That said, if you trust your DH I wouldn't worry about it. I would think this girl will soon meet friends and become busy with college life and the letters will stop.
I would be questioning the whole thing. There is no way I would have a man writing my college age daughter. It just sounds very fishy. I would offer to write her instead if your hubby sticks with the story. If she is "lonely and homesick" there is no reason that you cannot correspond.
DH is a youth minister so he is still in contact with kids when they go off to college, but it is a very different thing because I know them too, I have a relationship with them as well, they come visit us at our home, etc.
I think this is very odd and I think your DH should state that he doesn't feel comfortable with this. He can "blame it on you" if he feels like this would affect his business, but if you are uncomfortable with it then enough said. Because DH counsels people and is in a position where he has an above-average amount of women and teens "falling for him" because he is a good listener, takes a sincere interest in their lives, etc. we have several ground rules---they go for me to. We are never, ever alone with a person of the opposite sex for any reason. If a youth (male or female) needs a ride home, then DH has another person ride with him. He has a window in his office for counseling and has his secretary or another minister in the outer office at all times. If someone stops by the house and I'm not home, then he'll only talk with them in the front yard. One rumor is all is takes to destroy his ministry, reputation, our family, so we take this very seriously. That said...if this girl was away from her home and at college in your hometown, then I could see her hooking up with a FAMILY (not just the dad) to have someone to help her with little crises (flat tire, locked keys in car) or have her over for a home-cooked meal occasionally, but to write her letters from afar?? That's what her friends and family are for, not her dad's business associates. I can't imagine why she would even want to correspond with your DH. It's just too creepy and weird on all accounts and I'd nip it in the bud.
I tend to agree with those above, and think that if anyone is going to communicate with the young woman, it should be you, or an email or letter signed by both of you. And I suggest the very first communication include a comment that your 13 year old daughter brought in the mail and saw her postcard, and said "who is this girl writing to Dad and why is she writting to him asking him to write back?"
That is completely bizarre and inappropriate. I can't imagine why this girl would want to correspond with your husband in the first place. If you can't figure a way to get him out of it, I would have him say, 'hey, Boss, I have to admit I'm not much of a letter writer or emailer....and to be honest I don't know what to day to a young female college student. But my wife has 'been there done that' and would be happy to write to her. She's good at keeping up correspondence and can well remember what it was like to be a college freshman'. Or, you could even just go ahead and write to her, explaining that your husband is swamped and you're happy to help her feel less lonely.
Absolutely not. I can't figure out why a guy would want an older man writing his daughter. Sorry, but she's just at that age where it won't take much for her to develop feelings towards anyone giving her that kind of attention. She is now an adult, and doesn't need to depend on a married man to ease her loneliness. Does she not have friends from highschool to talk to?
I think it's VERY weird! Why would the girl's father want her to relieve her homesickness with a GROWN man? It doesn't make sense to me at all. Any honestly, why would she WANT to anyway? Doesn't she have any old friends her own age?
Red flags everywhere for me...not sure who their on but they're out there. Sorry...JMHO.
Thanks ladies. I needed to have my feeling on this validated. There is no way that I will sanction this happening. Sadly for me my dh doesn't often validate my feelings so I'm not sure that I will be able to make him see that it is inappropriate. Or that even if it weren't inappropriate (and based on our conversation last night he doesn't see it as such) that it just plain bothers me so he shouldn't do it. When it comes to making a sale I'm afraid he would do just about anything that wasn't illegal and then tell me that he did it for the family (I'm a SAHM so he tends to pull the He's the bread winner card on me alot..but I digress)
I don't think it's right and agree that she could soon fall in love with him and then it gets very messy.
Another weird vote.
However, if your husband does very much feel this needs to be done for his business I would offer him two options. Option 1, you will coorespond with her. A much more appropriate relationship (look at it like a mentor).
Option 2, you will cooresponds as a family. Send holiday notes, all holidays and everything must be signed from the so and so family, and you can equally send them.
I agree w/ Kaye's suggestion. If you send the messages, it still fulfills your husbands business client request. As put, "she just need to keep from feeling so lonely", and who better than another women?
I have heard co-workers ask adults at work to write their kids who are away at camp to help with homesickness and to make sure the person away from home will get mail. I always thought it was weird and there was nothing hanky-panky about it. It's just weird.
I would never ask a MALE to write a letter to anyone, bec really how many men like to write letters anyway? Doesn't correspondence fall under the female's duties?
I would have your DH tell his boss that he's not good at stuff like that but your wife is and then I'd send 1 item like a Halloween card and then that's it. By then the college girl should have developed a regular social life.
Course this is assuming the business associate really asked your DH to do this. I would verify that first, but I have heard of it.
As a working person I do have this whole separate life at work that no one else knows about it. I spend 40+ hours a week there interacting with the same folks for long periods of time. It can feel like a 2nd family and for some it's the primary family. I'm not married so it's not really an issue, but I can see how it could be. I know my SAHM mother struggled with this.
I have a suggestion for a letter:
Dear customersdaughter: Your dad told us you might be writing to us because you were feeling lonely or homesick. When your postcard arrived, our 13 year old daughter, (name), brought it in and asked "who is this girl and why does she want dad to write to her?" Of course, we explained to her that you are the daughter of someone her daddy knows, and we were asked to be in touch with you in case you were feeling homesick. She understands that, because she has felt homesick sometimes herself. I would hope that my friends would do the same for her when she goes to college.
We'll be happy to be in touch with you. If you'd like, I can watch for articles in the local newspapers that might be of interest to you, although I'm sure you can just as easily read them on the internet.
Feel free to write any time.
Sincerely (wife) and (husband) Jones
(and include a family picture of you and hubby and all children - and the dog and cat if you have them)
For Pete's sake - she is in college, not summer camp. I can't think of any good reason why a young woman in college wants to communicate with a man who is one of her father's business acquaintances, even if she has met him. If she's homesick, she should be writing to her friends (peers) or family members, not a married man who is a business acquaintance of her father.
And I think her father should back off a bit and let her grow up - but that's a whole other discussion.
I can understand that your husband doesn't want to offend a major customer - even if the major customer and his daughter aren't showing much sense in the situation. If you send a joint letter as a happy family that is happy to communicate with the daughter of your peers, he will be meeting his customer's request AND respecting your feeling that it would be somewhat icky for him to be having an exchange of letters with a girl who is probably young enough to be his daughter. Ask him how he'd feel if his daughter had a penpal who was a grown man and married.
I guess I'd hope your dh would take your dd's feelings to heart, as well. If it's upsetting to her, or at least causing her some confusion, I would think that would be enough for him to decide not to correspond with this young woman.
I'm glad you came here to get your feelings validated. I need to come here at times for the same reason, and this group is so helpful.
IMO, it is very odd for a business associate to ask a married man to write to his 19 yo dd...
That is just stupid. People are wierd.
That's how I really feel about it. lol
How do you know the girl's father asked him to do this?
Did you read the letter?
I went to college over 800 miles away and *never* wrote to a 38 yr old man. Besides, doesn't she know how to use email?
Or, maybe they think your DH has extra money lying around and she just wants to be spoiled with care packages.
Do you know this girl? Have you met her?
This is seriously the most odd thing I've heard of in a while...
Sorry you're having to make sense of all this and to not feel validated is heartbreaking.
And, BTW, you are BOTH breadwinners...there are different types of "bread" out there and SAHM's are considered to actually make over $130,000 a year.
Mom's Salary
My hubby would know better than to say he's the "breadwinner". All smart men know it's not how much money you make, it's how much you don't spend. And, right now, you don't spend money on daycare because of *you*. So, YOU'RE the breadwinner IMHO.
Another vote for WIERD. I think Mommmie has a good point, to verify that it is the CUSTOMER'S idea and not your DH. (Sorry. I don't intend to hurt you or throw any MORE confusion your way).
If it is indeed the customer's idea, then that is just plain icky. I would forbid my DH from writing to a young girl. That is a whole can of trouble just waiting to open. As Pam said, transference can happen, especially toward authority figures who show kindness to those who are vulnerable. If she started developing a crush on your DH, he could be flattered by the attention, and the next thing you know, it's trouble. I, too, can't believe that a Dad would ask a mature, married man to write to his college age daughter.
If you want to write to her, do it in place of your DH. However, I think it would be awkward for you since you don't even know her. And I don't think that there should be a non-business connection between your family and this young lady. I think Mommmie's idea is a good one. Send her ONE piece of mail, maybe a "Good luck in school" card, or a humourous "Shoebox" card, then that's it. I, too, find it strange that she has no friends. And.. it is her family's duty to encourage her and cheer her up. Not her father's business associates.
I would never ask a co-worker to write to my child. It is an imposition, and I don't believe that your work life and personal life should be intermingled.
It is sad when your DH won't validate your feelings. I often have that, too.
After all of the above advice, I'd just like to add: be vigilant. A wife has ways of knowing if a husband is up to something. Keep your eyes and ears open. Try to get the mail before him, and check your email often. (((HUGS))).
I think I would do some investigating for some more details.Call the father and ask him direct questions.Maybe say your dh said he wanted him to correspond with her to help with her lonliness,so you want to find out what her likes and dislikes are ,so you can be helpful in sending magazines,books,etc.If the father did tell your dh to do this,he'll probably respond with what her likes/dislikes are. If he didn't ask dh to do this,then he will obviously tell you that he didn't ask him to do it.And,at this point you would know if your dh is being honest with you.I agree with everyone else,this is very weird and wrong,no matter what the reasoning is.Good luck 
My first thought was "Did the father REALLY ask DH to do this?" I hate to be cynical, but it makes NO sense. It would be one things if the father had asked your family if you would mind sending small care packages once in a while, but to ask a man old enough to be her father to write to her, that's odd.
I didn't read all the other responses.
I would feel the same way. I wouldn't like it at all, and would probably raise a big stink over it.
Maybe you could take on the "chore" of writing to the girl. Tell your DH that you will be her email penpal or something. You are both women, so you have more in common anyway.
I think it's very strange. I can't imagine any father asking another man to write to their daughter that way.
Ummmm, NO!
Somethings not right here. You mentioned that you have never met this family...So maybe the man truly doesn't have a daughter or has never even had a conversation with dh about her, and your Dh is using this as a cover! I'm usually not this harsh but there is a big red flag in my mind, and people will use any cover-up they can possibly think of so they don't get caught.
goodluck, this is such a hard call.
If it was me I wouldn't let your dh know that you are concerned and dig further and deeper if you want the truth.
Well I'm late chiming in here, but I think it is totally unappropriate. First, I don't know any father that would ask a 38 yr. old man to correspond with his 19 yr. old daughter. It raises a BIG red flag for me. Also, when I was first in college, and lonely, I would never have asked to write to a friend of my father's. I wrote to my friends! I don't know, this entire story sounds fishy to me. Now, even if everything was on the up and up, and your dh's customer did ask him to write his daughter, it has the potential to lead to something unappropriate, so why start it.
I'd be doing some digging, sorry don't want to make you doubt your DH you know him best, but this is in my opinion weird, creepy and completely inappropriate. If it is the way he says it is he is opening himself up to potentially a world of trouble. He could be putting his reputation and career in jeopardy by pursuing this, this will not look good on his resume. Not to mention discounting your feelings on this, what's more important? He is a grown man, I'm sure he can find a way to let his client know that he is unable to do this without causing any difficulties.
Hope you find a way through this.
RED flags here too.If you're gut is telling you somethings wrong, you're probably right.(((HUGS)))
I agree with the others. I think there is a BIG red flag there. I wouldn't say much more about it to DH, but stay diligent. IF something is going on, you'll find out soon enough.
What bothers me most is that, as you said, he has this whole "other life" that you know nothing about, i.e. his job. Therefore, IF he is prone to cheat, he has ample opportunity.
One suggestion; send her a card and sign DH's name. See what kind of response you get.
Did he tell you about this BEFORE your daughter brought the postcard in, or was it his explanation?
You are in my thoughts.
Have you learned anymore about this situation? What have you decided to do?
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