The fighting must stop....
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive September 2006:
The fighting must stop....
I am at a complete loss on what to do... It seems as though my family is falling apart. I can't seem to go through a day without everyone yelling at each other and DH and I fighting or us fighting with one of the kids. DH is so frustrated all the time that he seems to throw things and break them all the time. Not at anyone.. but it really bothers me.
For example... He was helping clean the kitchen earlier and a small glass fell off the counter and broke so he threw teh fork that he had in his hand so hard towards the sink that he put a hole in the bottle of dish soap with it. In my opinion this is no reason to get so upset.
We just had a stupid arguement because I asked him what he was watching on TV and he wouldn't tell me. So I got aggrivated and got up to leave becasue I had no clue and it was the middle of a movie. So he got mad and threw something and made a mess of the plate on his desk. And now he has locked himself in the bathroom adn won't talk to me at all even though I told him I should not have gotten so aggrivated about that and it was stupid.
I can't figure out what I am doing wrong right now but I definately need some help with how to talk to everyone about it.
My kids are fighting non stop with each other and me. They argue with anything and everything I say even if they hardly know what I am talking about.
I know that there is not much anyone can say or do to help but I thought it might help if I got this off my chest.
Sorry I sound so mixed up but that is how I feel right now.
(((Anon)))) It sounds like you guys have a lot of anger built up, and aren't finding the proper ways to express it. I really don't have any advice, just hugs, I know how stressful yelling and fighting like that can be.
You could me living in my house right now. My DH has this temper also and it drives me crazy. His is because DS will not listen to us at all about anything but it happens at the stupidest times. He pushed our buttons over everything so we fight.
Good luck and know you are not alone.
Sounds like anger issues to me - and heaven knows what is underlying. I really, really urge both you and dh (for both anons) to get into counseling fast if you want to make your marriages work - either separately or together. And if your dh won't go, then you should go yourself.
Anon 1, what you describe - not telling you what he was watching on TV, throwing something and breaking things or making a mess, and then locking himself in the bathroom (I hope you have more than one bathroom) sounds more like a 6 year old than an adult. As for your kids - they are doing what they see being modeled for them. If you want your kids to stop fighting, you and dh are both going to have to learn to manage your anger, frustration, irritatedness, etc. so that you stop modeling fighting and bickering as a normal way of life. And, I would not be surprised if part of the reason your children are fighting non-stop with each other and with you is that they are feeling very insecure and maybe afraid - afraid of what their father might do, afraid that you and your husband are going to break up - just generally afraid because so much fighting is going on around them, along with displays of uncontrolled temper.
Children really want adults to be adults and act like adults, and when adults behave like children, it is very scary for the children.
Anon #2, stop letting your son push your buttons - or at least stop letting him see he can push your buttons. When he disobeys, don't argue, just say - you did A and the consequence is X. No discussion, no argument, just that's the way it is. There is no point in arguing with a child (or teenager) about whether something is fair or not fair, right or not right - you just say calmly, once or twice at the most, that A brings X, and then stop the discussion by not participating in it. Just because your child argues at you doesn't mean you have to argue back. He will get tired of talking to the air soon enough. When he says something button-pushing, ignore it. As the saying goes "don't let him see you sweat". You are the adult, and you should be able to keep your act together well enough that he isn't able to push your buttons and control you by doing so. That your dh has a temper means he has to get control of his temper - I'll bet he hasn't thought about how he is modeling bad temper and unmanaged anger to your son, and showing your son how a "man" behaves. If he doesn't want your son to have a temper and act out or yell out his anger, then he has to model a different kind of behavior.
As much as we tell our children "do what I say, not what I do", it doesn't work that way. Whatever we do, and show as acceptable behavior, is what our children will do. Think about it. As an example, do you know a child who has a potty mouth? Do his parents also have potty mouths? And so on.
Ginny, you said exactly what I was thinking, both about the dh acting more like a child, and about the reasons why the children are fighting and acting up.
My husband threw something one time. It was an empty plastic pop bottle, and he threw it against a bare wall of a house we were fixing up before we got married, and in a direction not at me. But I let him know exactly what I felt about that, and let's say he has never in 8 years thrown anything again. And I can guarantee he won't.
There must be a lot of issues at hand. And being that angry is not healthy for any of you, especially the children. Your husband has some things that obviously need to be sorted out before you guys can even expect to have any kind of marriage. If my husband refused to tell me what he was watching, in a non-joking around kind of way, I would be irate because I would feel as if I were dealing with a stubborn 3 year old.
Good luck. Hope you guys can find some help.
Whenever I ask dh what he's watching, the answer is always, "I don't know" because he never has a problem with getting into a movie in the middle. I just go to the computer and go to Yahoo TV to find out what the listings say. Annoying? yeah. But definitely nothing to get frustrated over.
Sounds like dh has some pent up anger. Something's going on with him that needs attention. I bet you feel like you don't deserve this kind of treatment. But I also bet that he's got some inner demons he's not dealing with.
Go with Ginny's suggestions (both anons) and get counseling, for the whole family if you can. Best of luck.
This is Anon #1
DH and I had a long heart to heart last night after the kids went to bed and we are going to find a conselor to talk to . We are also going to really make an effort to help change the kids attitudes by example and consistancy. Hopefully this will help. I really thank everyone for their kind words and advice.
I know I have a lot of built up frustrations with a lot of things that are going on with my kids and DH right now. My DH told me that one of his biggest frustrations right now is that I never seem happy or excited about anything and he hates seeing me so depressed and frustrated all the time.
I really appreciate everyone am glad that I have somewhere I can come to vent and get good sound advice.
((((HUGS))))
Best of luck to you and if you are both on the same page I am 100% certain you can make changes that will repair your issues...
Anon #1, it is very heartening to learn that one of your dh's biggest frustrations is that you don't seem happy, seem depressed and frustrated. That is a very positive thing.
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