dh don't have to be at work until 8:30 and some days not until 12:00. In the morning when I am getting the kids all ready for school he is still in bed asleep. I have to get 4 kids dressed, teeth brushed, hair brushed and all there stuff together along with myself so I can drive them and it is very hectic all the while hubby is still in bed sleeping away. This morning was the worse. Dd lost one of her shoes ds couldn't find his papers to take back to school. I am not dressed so we are rushing around trying to find everything and dh is sleeping. I also have to be out of the house a descent time so I can also pick up my Niece because she rides to school with us. and So the kids can eat breakfast. I am just so frustrated to no end that he don't respect me enough to get up and help in the mornings its not as if he gets home late and works late. I think he is just plain lazy. it also hurts my feeling a little.

By Karen~admin on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 10:30 am:

Have you even talked to him about this? If not, I'd suggest having a calm discussion with him, without coming across as attacking or blaming. Example - tell him it's difficult for you to handle it all by yourself in the mornings and that you would really appreciate it if he could give you a hand. Tell him that when he sleeps in, you feel overwhelmed and that him getting up to help you with the kids would really help you a lot and that you'd be happy if he could do that. And don't forget to thank him if he does do it.

You can't find a solution to a problem if you don't talk about it first. Just try not to make the mistake of blaming him or calling names because that will get you nowhere and just make the situation worse.

Good luck, I can see how that's a lot to do in the mornings.

By Luvn29 on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 10:32 am:

Have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe he doesn't realize how hectic it is for you.

Also, something I do every single night is have absolutely EVERYTHING ready for the kids the next morning. I started this when I was really sick, and it was very difficult for me to function in the mornings.

I can have two kids completely ready for school in 15 minutes, and this includes them eating a small breakfast such as a poptart or doughnut, or something.

Every night, I get out complete outfits for each child, including socks and underwear, if needed, and lay it together. I also make sure both shoes of each pair are found and sitting ready to go by the door. I even untie double knotted laces at night, so that is one less thing to worry about.

I have backpacks completely ready to go, papers and books and money in there, and zipped up, sitting in a chair by the door. If one child is packing their lunch, I get it completely ready the night before, and have anything that has to be refrigerated already in a ziplock in the fridge next to a juice, and ready to just pull out and place in the lunchbox.

In the mornings, I lay each child's outfit in their place where they sit each morning, and while I am getting breakfast for them, they get dressed fully. I've even been known to brush and fix hair while they are eating. I sit her in front of me, and do it while she is eating.

They both also take water bottles, so I have those already filled and in the fridge waiting. They need snacks at school, so those are also placed in the bookbag at night.

Basically, I have everything done at night, so there is no rushing around in the morning.

One other thing, we only have one bathroom, so I wake one up at a time so they can go straight to the bathroom while the other is getting up.

No matter how tired I am, or how late it is at night when I remember to do all this, I still do it, knowing that the next morning when everyone is sleepy, it will be much easier and smoother.

By Cocoabutter on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 10:38 am:

Sometimes guys are just as lost when it comes to the morning rush chaos. You just might find that he isn't any help at all when it comes to getting the kids around in the mornings anyway.

I would go with Adena's suggestions. You can do this, you just need to be more organized and ready for the inevitable.

By Debbie on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 10:38 am:

Ditto, Karen. I have learned with my dh, for whatever reason, he isn't one to initiate things. But, if I tell him I need him to do something, he will do it. So, I would sit down with your dh, when you are not upset, and tell him that you need his help, and what you need him to do. And like Karen said, let him know you appreciate it, when he does it.

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 12:14 pm:

My kids are older, so pretty much get themselves ready, in the morning. DH works second shift, gets home around 1-1:30am, but doesn't usually go to bed, for an hour after that. I don't expect him to get up, in the morning, except on the rare occasions that I have to work early in the morning and he has to take the kids to school.

Although, if your hubby goes to bed at a decent hour (10-12mn), then he should be rested enough to help you a bit.

Making sure the shoes are in place, and papers in backpacks the night before would help, too. Although, I've sure been-there-done-that, with missing shoes in the morning, even with older kids!

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 02:20 pm:

That would SOOOO not fly at our house. Sounds like he needs to know how to help, which doesn't sound that difficult. Sorry you had to go through this today!!

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 02:20 pm:

PS- He could be more of a night owl so ask him to help prepare things the night before.

By Shann on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 03:16 pm:

I know that I can do this. But every morning 5 days a week He can get his but up and help. I do alot of stuff the night before. but with 4 kids there is always something going on. I am going to talk to him this evening and explain to him that he can help. We go to bed the same time so I know its not like he is a night owl half the time he is asleep before I get to bed. I don't think it is going to hurt him any.

By Karen~admin on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 03:19 pm:

Just have a calm, rational, honest discussion with him. And remember to say thank you. I have found that telling your spouse thank you for the things they do - even if they are things they should be doing anyway - goes a VERY long way.

By Heaventree on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 03:26 pm:

Shann, I don't know it this will help or not but here's what we do in the morning and we only have 2.

7 am Dh gets up and changes both children's diapers, gets them dressed and takes them downstairs, he starts their breakfast.

I lay in bed for a few more minutes. I get up and clean-up the upstairs, throw dirty clothes in the hamper, make the beds and general tidy up.

I come downstairs and finish up breakfast with the kids and empty the dishwasher and clean-up the breakfast mess.

DH showers and gets ready then goes off to work, I'm at home with the kids all day.

I prepare dinner and sometimes feed the children before DH arrives home. DH gets home changes, eats dinner and he basically takes over most nights, he does baths, bottle for Cameron and tuck-in for both. I clean-up the kitchen. If I do bath and bedtime DH cleans up.

I don't mind asking DH for so much help as he travels quite a bit and when he's gone I'm on 24 hours and he doesn't mind helping out. It took awhile though for us to get to this point and for him to understand how hard it can be sometimes. Going away for a few days helped him realize just how hard it is. Sometimes on Sunday nights when he says "Argh tomorrow's Monday and I gotta go to work", I always say "Wanna trade"? Before he used to say "Sure!" Now he says "No Way!"

Anyway just wanted to share how we do it sometimes it helps to see how other people manage and balance the work.

Hope your talk goes well.

By Heaventree on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 03:32 pm:

Forgot to mention, Saturdays are my days to do with what I want, whether it's sleep in or go out. DH gets up and takes over for the day usually until 5 pm, if I'm at home I just there for hugs and kisses, no diapers, meals or nap times, DH does it all.

By Kaye on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 03:34 pm:

My hubby is more like Debbie's, he just doens't do stuff without being asked. And part of it is, he doesn't want to do things "wrong" and slow us down. I have learned to shut up more

Mine is gone for work by time we get up for school, so it is me and the three kids. Ultimately I have found that the night before makes or brakes us. My kids have to have their stuff together, clothes laid out, backpacks packed and ready to go. So in the am I go and wake each one up. They make it downstairs and I fix lunches while they eat. While I am waiting on them to mosey downstairs I fix breakfast...very low key stuff, warm bagels, oatmeal, poptarts, frozen waffles, etc. Once they are downstairs they are forbidden to go back up..LOL. They get lost up there doing other things, like the Tv!

Anyway, I am not sure how old your kids are, but I decided that when I put more responsibility on mine my life is much easier. On weekend mornings we don't prepare the same and it is tougher and I need help. But really, hubby only gets in the way on school days. I do ask that if he is home he gets up and showers and walks the boys to school, because it is just really nice to not have to walk up there and back to say good bye to my daughter, it gives us a few girl minutes.

By Tarable on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 07:41 pm:

I wish my DH would just take the HUGE hint my DD is giving him, by asking me in front of him how she is going to get to school this year. She started middle school monday and it doesn't start until 8:50 and I need to be at work at 8. So she has been asking me in front of him for the past 2 weeks how she is going to get there and he keeps asking me why she can't just walk since she walks home(it is almost a mile). Well it is about 90+ right now at 8:30... and she doesn't want to get all sweaty before she even gets to school, but that is not the only reason that she wants to be taken to school... She just doesn't want to walk and I don't blame her. My DH doesn't want to because he doesn't want to get up that early when he doesn't have to be at work until 10 (he has flex time and can go in anytime between 7 and 10) , so in my opinion he is being totally selfish and I would like him to do it so he gets home before 7:30 every night. But if I tell him I want him to take her everyday he will get all mad but won't admitt he is mad so it will just make everyone miserable. But I guess I am being kinda selfish too by wanting him to help that much since these are only his step-DDs (although he says that he wants to be treated as and to treat them as if he were their dad). I don't know.. maybe it is just too much to ask of him. or maybe I should just not want to baby my DD so much and tell her she is just going to have to walk to school unless it is raining or something (he has said he will get up and take her if it is raining or something like that). What would y'all do?

By Luvn29 on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 08:21 pm:

I would certainly tell my husband that there was no choice, she was going to have to be taken to school. Period. She should not have to walk nearly a mile before school. He doesn't want to get up early to take her, what about her having to get up early enough to be able to walk to school and be there in time. She shouldn't have to get up and walk almost a mile that early in the morning.

When he married you, he took on the responsibility of your children, also, so no, you are definitely not asking too much of him. He is asking too much of your daughter.

Just my opinion, though!!!

By Shann on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 09:46 pm:

You know something just kinda struck me a little odd as I read some of your posts. Why should I constanly say Thank you to him for doing something. I cook,clean do laundry, dr. taxi,everthing I very seldom get a thank you. and sometimes thats all a mom needs is alittle reconition for all that we do. I took some of the posts as that you baby your husbands I have 4 kids to raise and I don't need an adult to raise also. I feel that it took 2 to make my wonderfull kids it should take 2 too raise them. I think it should be an even thing. I know that I am a stay at home mom but thats a full time job and I do say thank you to him for working a providing a good life for my family. He has a warm meal to come home to. Clean clothes waiting for him and a clean home to come to and that in my book says Thank you.


Tara I don't think that its fair for your daughter to have to walk to school in the morning your dh should be give her a ride. do you think he would want to walk a mile to work every morning as hot as it is.

By Luvn29 on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 09:58 pm:

You know what Shann? I hear what you are saying. I do thank my husband when he goes out of his way to do something he normally doesn't do. And I let him know everyday that I appreciate him so much and I think he's the best husband in the world, especially after watching Dr. Phil! LOL!

BUT, I don't expect to have to thank him just because he actually does something around the house. And he shows great appreciation to me, too, and lets me know how much he loves and thinks of me.

It's a two-way street, with each giving 100%+. I've never believed in the give 50-50 thing. That won't keep a marriage going.

But, you do need to talk with him about what you need and expect, and do it in a non-threatening way, and when you have cooled down and everything is neutral. That way he won't be as likely to get his back up and get all defensive. Nothing is ever accomplished like that.

Good luck!

By Debbie on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 10:56 pm:

Well, I make sure to tell my dh thank you, and that I appreciate him. AND, in turn he does the same thing for me. I think as a relationship goes on, it is easy to take each other for granted. It is nice to know your are appreciated. And, telling someone thank you, is a way to do it. I don't see this as babying my dh. But, that is just me. I always try and remember that men and women think differently. Men don't think like us. My dh and I sat down a long time ago and made a list of what our responsibilites are at home. It has helped a lot. I think we as woman, me included, expect our spouse to know what we want. We don't express it, and then we get upset when they don't know. I have found that it is much easier to just ask for what I want. Dh isn't very proacitve, but he will do whatever I ask(within reason) without complaint. I think marriage is all about respect, trust and communication. I think you really just need to sit down with your dh, and tell him what you need from him. He may not even realize you are having a hard time in the mornings.

Tarable, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask your dh to drive your dd to school. I think it is not very fair to expect her to walk a mile each morning to school, especially when she already walks home. That is just my opinion.

By Tink on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 11:52 pm:

My dh sounds a lot like Debbie's. He doesn't deliberately NOT help with things, he just assumes I've got it handled unless I ask for help. Of course, if I ask when I'm worn out and stressed, I'm likely to be sarcastic and short-tempered, so he responds in a similar manner. We also finally sat down a couple of weeks ago (after being married for nine years) and figured out what was top priority for each of us. He doesn't care if I have a plate from dinner saved for him (he's a picky eater) but he hates to walk into the living room with scattered kids' toys, throw blankets out, etc. I told him that I understood that cleaning the house was my responsibility but I needed him to clean up after himself before he left for work each day so that I wasn't hanging up the soggy towels on the bathroom floor, putting away his toothbrush and hair gel and hanging up the previous day's tie every single day. Now I don't stress about providing something that he could care less about and he knows what I'd love to have him do to make my life a little easier. Maybe you and your dh can have a similar talk and see if that clears the air.

By Karen~admin on Wednesday, August 16, 2006 - 04:54 am:

Shann, he should tell you thank you, too, IMO..........

I believe all married couples should be respectful of each other and saying thank you is one way to acknowledge that you appreciate someone and not taking them for granted. You don't have to say it every single time either of you does something, but it certainly goes a long way to hear it often enough.

Obviously I am not raising young kids any longer. And my DH is like many others, he tends to leave a lot of *household* stuff up to me. And every so often I need to remind him that since *I* am working too, he needs to be helping out more at home. But I thank him for it anyway. And he does the same.

By Tonya on Wednesday, August 16, 2006 - 09:01 am:

Shann I agree with you too. I don't get thanked for doing the things I do every day day in and day out so why should I praise him for doing things he should be doing anyways.

I work FT just like he does so house work should be if you see it needs to be done do it but it our house I have to say can you do this this and this in order for him to do it.

I should ge thanks but I don't so no way should I have to thank him too.

Good luck with the talk hopefully it works and he gets up and helps you. There should be no reason for him to sleep in if he is getting to bed before you at night.

By Yjja123 on Wednesday, August 16, 2006 - 11:25 am:

"But I guess I am being kinda selfish too by wanting him to help that much since these are only his step-DDs (although he says that he wants to be treated as and to treat them as if he were their dad)."
This sentence really bothered me. I believe that if you remarry then your new spouse should accept you All as a package deal. If your children are being seperated (step children vs biological) then they are getting a raw deal. You need to come together as one family unit. This is just my opinion.
As far as expecting your husband to help...I do think they need to be told (not hinted to, flat out told) what you need help with. My hubby does his usual chores around the house (mow lawn, landscape, garbage, etc.) When I want him to do something I usually do, I simply ask. Communication is the key.
I thank my husband at least once a week for working hard and providing us with everything we need. He thanks me for running the household and cooking/cleaning. He surprised me with flowers this week because I redid the kids bath (painted, put in flooring, etc). It is a give and take thing. I think you should thank everyone in your family for their contributions. Maybe if you start, he will follow.

By Tarable on Wednesday, August 16, 2006 - 03:06 pm:

Okay.. I have to say this.. My DH has no biological kids, so our DDs are the only ones, but I think it is more me feeling like I should still do it all myself because I was a single parent for so long (and I have to say I don't exactly like asking for any help). Both DH and I work full time and have flex time (can come in anytime between 7 and 10am and leave accordingly between 4 and 7pm) I try to get to work no later than 8 because I want to get home and cook and do all the other stuff I have do to before it gets too late. I don't actually have to leave work until 5:30 (just enough time to make sure I am at the daycare to pick up my younger DD before 6) which means that I would just need to be at work by 8:30 in the mornings. So in reality I can drop off DD at school at 8 (that is when the school opens for kids to start arriving), it is just that I have been working 8-5 for so long that I don't want to change it. I don't know how I am going to have everything ready for dinner on time if I don't leave work until 5:30 everyday. So for me it would be very convienient for him to take her to school but it is not a necessity.

And a big huge plus her best friend's mom called last night and asked if she could bring Alexis home (drop her off at our house) after school everyday since she is picking up her DD. I of course said that would be great so she is not having to walk home in the 105+ weather anymore.. Thank God for great friends.

By Karen~admin on Wednesday, August 16, 2006 - 03:31 pm:

"This sentence really bothered me. I believe that if you remarry then your new spouse should accept you All as a package deal. If your children are being seperated (step children vs biological) then they are getting a raw deal. You need to come together as one family unit."

I agree 300% with Yvonne. I have been on all sides of that coin. My mom really made the difference for me, when I married my X and got my first 2 kids as part of the package. I didn't appreciate my mom's wisdom at the time, but she remembered the hurt I and my sisters went through with my own stepmother, and my mom immediately accepted Jules and Jason as *my* own kids, and as her grandkids, and never referred to them any other way. She told me straight up, that I was marrying a man with kids, so they were becoming *mine* whether I wanted them or not. In doing that, she taught me a valuable lesson, and I think that is when I came to see them as my kids, not my *stepkids*.

Although, I can certainly understand Tara's statement: "My DH has no biological kids, so our DDs are the only ones, but I think it is more me feeling like I should still do it all myself because I was a single parent for so long (and I have to say I don't exactly like asking for any help)." Because I was there too - and my DH never had kids of his own either. And I was used to being a single mom and doing everything myself. And on the down side, my mom instilled that *guilt* gene in me, all too well. LOL So in the beginning, I didn't think I should *expect* him to do things, so what I ended up doing then, was, in effect, STILL being a single parent, though I was remarried.

But Tara, he married you, knowing you had kids already, and if he wanted to marry you and have a life with you, then he must have realized that he was marrying into an instant family. I have learned something over the years, if you don't give him a chance to BE a father to your girls, he may not ever do it. And that would be really tragic for ALL of you, IMO......

He is living in the house, supporting them, he is the father figure they have at home, so IMO, he should be involved with them and their lives, and that includes helping to get them to and from school, or medical appointments or extracurricular activities. If this was their birth dad, you would expect him to do it, so if you want them to develop more of a father/child relationship, *I* think you should first, discuss this with him, and then let HIM be the one to go to the kids and say *I'll take you ...wherever....*, or *I'll help you do...such and such....* Let him BE a father to them, you will ALL benefit from it.

Just my thoughts............

And remember to say thank you!

By Luvn29 on Wednesday, August 16, 2006 - 03:43 pm:

Yes, it is a necessity to make your and your husband's life more convenient. Tell him straight out. Your choice, you either get up and take her to school, or I have to go to work later, which means I get home later, and I won't be cooking good hot meals like I usually do.

A friend's mother can bring her home everyday, but he can't take her to school? That would be a real problem for me.

You both work jobs outside of the home. Therefore, childcare at home and other little things have to be done by BOTH of you. It is going to inconvenience you a lot more and disrupt your household a lot more for you to change your schedule rather than him. I would have been having a problem in the first place that my husband was choosing to go to work later and get home later when he could have 2 more quality hours at home with the family.