Pro's? Con's?

We have both pro's and con's... of course the biggest con being our age (We're 24 and 25 this year). Our biggest pro being that we don't want anymore kids. I don't want to be on hormonal birth control for any longer than I have to and I absolutely don't want to get pregnant. I know our thoughts on wanting more children can change since we are so young but in a way I don't want to give myself the opportunity to have more. I enjoy having one of each and don't think I could possibly handle three. DH is ready to do it whenever I give him the go ahead. It's just such a big decision. What's your take?

By Vicki on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 02:24 pm:

Honestly, I think if your still questioning it at all you shouldn't do it. When your ready, you will know it and it won't be such a "big decision".

By Tonya on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 02:25 pm:

If you don't want more then you don't want more. I had my tubes tied at 26 we wanted no more. We have 2 kids 1 of each that is more than enough for us.

You have to do what you feel is right.

Good luck!

By Boxzgrl on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 02:34 pm:

It didn't seem like such a big decision until a few friends who's DH's had it done say they now regret it. I don't think I will but who's to say I won't? If we wait 10 years who's to say I won't regret it then? That's my biggest fear.

By Yjja123 on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 02:41 pm:

We had it done after our second was born. Hubby was 28 at the time. No regrets here. We knew two was the perfect amount for us. We felt that with two we could afford to do all the extras (vacations, college prepaid, etc) any more would make it more difficult.
The decision has to be both of yours.
I am pleased to not deal with birth control. Hubby is thrilled to not have to. LOL.

By Luvn29 on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 03:12 pm:

I was only 20 when I had my tubal ligation. I had just had my second child. We had a boy and a girl. We knew that two kids was our plan. We can't afford more than that and still do the things we want to do. The biggest thing was the difficulties I had during both pregnancies.

Do I regret it sometimes? Yes, but only because I get the baby itch when I see my cousins or friends having a baby. But I am so glad I had it done because I haven't given myself a choice. And once the initial "itch" is gone, I'm so glad I have my two.

I love babies, I love children, I love being a mom. I will always miss and yearn the days when I had a little one to cuddle, etc. But I also know that two is the right number for us.

Sometimes it isn't a cut and dry decision. But you can't always go with your emotions. Once you think it through, and have your decision made for rational reasons, do it. Age has nothing to do with it. I'm 27. If I had to, I would have a tubal ligation now, but I still wouldn't have more than two children. And I still have the yearning for another baby at time. I don't think I'll ever stop...

I do love never having to worry about birth control, and never having the worry that I am going to end up pregnant again.

By Trina~moderator on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 03:14 pm:

I agree with Vicki. Permanent BC should not be considered until both partners are absolutely, positively, without any doubts, SURE they don't want more children. You are correct that at your ages you could very possibly change your minds in the future. I recommend discussing alternative methods of BC with your doctor.

By Reds9298 on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 03:31 pm:

I know how you feel about the hormonal B/C forever. DH and I are talking about a vasectomy at the moment. He's not sure (although I am) so I can't pressure him. Also, he's not looking forward to it so that doesn't help! He'll do it when he's ready. Until then I'm doing the pill because it's just easiest for us and we're safest that way. I'm getting to the point where I HATE how the pill makes me feel as I get older, which is the reason it's really up for discussion right now.

You are very young, but honestly it CAN be reversed. I personally think 2 children is enough for anyone, but that's just me!LOL Some people see it differently.

I wouldn't jump the gun. Wait a few months and then see how you feel. There's really no NEED, is there? Stay on the pill for a year or two and then re-evaluate. Being on the pill doesn't have to mean you'll be on it forever. Unless you're having problems with it, why does it really matter, you know?

By Cat on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 03:38 pm:

My dh was ready to have a vasectomy when Randy was 2 months old. Really--he brought home a pamphlet and everything! lol I made him wait until Randy turned 5 and decided I didn't want to start over again with another baby. I told him we could always adopt if we changed our minds. He hasn't. Honestly, I still really don't want to start over, but wouldn't be devestated if a baby came into our lives. If you're both sure, go for it. Yes, it can be reversed, but the success rate isn't as good as never having done it.

I think this must be an easier decision for guys than it is for women. Maybe it's just me. I've had two doctor's (OB/GYN) in the past mention hysterectomy to me because of problems and I do NOT want to give up my fertility!!! Even thought I really don't want any more, I just have that "what if" in the back of my mind, ya know? I'm still young (35 tomorrow!) and just don't want to lose that. Like I said, maybe it's just me.

By Juli4 on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 03:57 pm:

We are having our 4th baby this October and immediately after dh is getting a vasectomy. We are certain we do not want to have anymore although I couldn't imagine not having any of the ones we have now. I am 23 years old and dh is 25. So we are still young yet, but we are sure that our family is filled to capacity.

By Juli4 on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 05:05 pm:

I understand what you are saying cat about not wanting anymore, but not quite willing to give up your fertility. I absoltely do not think we should have more than 4 kids. It is a rather large family for these days and times, but the thought of that stage of life to be permanently over is scary. I mean it is difficult to explain to my dh how mch a part of me I feel like I lose when he gets fixed (or broken depending on how you look at it). But I know our family and what we want for all of us and have to make the decision based on those things and not always the urges or wants that I have and know I will get.

By Boxzgrl on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 05:40 pm:

At this present moment DH and I are both on the same page about not wanting more. DH is more than willing to get a vasectomy. After Nathan was born I told him I didn't want him too but as each week passes I get further and further away from the desire to want more children. And it has nothing to do with stresses or factors like that. And actually another one of my big reasons is the same as Yvonne. We want to be able to afford all the extras without always stretching our income. Logically, DH should get it done. Emotionally I always wonder "What If?" but when it comes to this I don't think emotions should always be the determining factor.

By Tink on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 06:36 pm:

Personally, I don't think you *have* to be 100% sure that you never want to have any more children. We have three dks and all of them were conceived while I was on BC. I KNEW I was done having children. I don't ever want to be pregnant again and I'm 90% sure that I won't ever want another child. DH wasn't (and isn't so sure) that he wouldn't want more if something happened to one of our's or if something happened with us and he remarried. Since I was positive and since our third was a scheduled C-section, it was a simple decision for us. My DH felt more like some of you do, that he didn't want to give up his fertility but I guess I really just don't understand the point of *being* fertile if you're sure you don't plan on using it any longer. Cat, I don't think it's a men or women thing, just a personality issue. I don't see any reason to take a chance and worry about getting pregnant if I can be sure that I won't be.

By Cybermommyx4 on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 07:26 pm:

If you won the lottery tomorrow and money was not an issue, would you want more children? If you can't *truthfully* say "NO", then you might want to wait a little longer. Circumstances can and do change, and you never know what life will bring in the future. DH and I have struggled with this same decision (I am turning 37 this month and still on the pill....we have 4 DKs, and I don't *think* I want to start over again, but if money were not an issue, I'd do it in a hearbeat ;) You'll know what's right if you follow your heart.

By Jackie on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 07:42 pm:

Honestly, I regret that my husband had it done about 4 months after Faith was born. He actually was happy with 2 kids, but went along with 3 because thats what I wanted. He said when we were done having kids he would get it done,no questions asked. After Faith was born, I was "sure" that was it. I know my husband did/does not want anymore. I get sad knowing I will never be pregnant again. I get sad knowing I will never have another little life growing inside of me. I loved being pregnant. I hated having 4 miscarriages, I mean it put it me a big deep dark hole all those miscarriages. Then I had "Faith", and my outlook changed. Although I am close to my 42nd birthday, I would love to have another baby. To many of you, I know that is just crazy because of my age. Truley I feel no different then I did when I had my first 12 yrs ago. I will never have another baby, and that makes me sad. My healthy pregnancies were a wonderful time in my life. I never told my husband not to have a vasectomy, but I knew he did not want anymore either. For me, its hard knowing this is the end of my baby making days.

By Kaye on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 07:51 pm:

Well here is my take...LOL. When we had our third hubby was scheduled for a vas and I made him cancel. I was SURE i didn't want another baby in the next few years, but didn't really know about the future. Well when the youngest started kinder, we had just moved and had stuff going on and yes again I was sure I didn't need another kid. Hubby had the big v. Well now life has calmed down quite a bit and I really do regret that decision. We are looking into adoption and other options. Ultimately only you know you best. What did you want growing up (i wanted 6)? What about hubby? Times really do change. I think personally you should make life alter decisions until a year after big life changes like a death or a birth, just to be sure you are thinking straight.

The other thing I think about is this...if hubby were to die and I were to remarry, I would have another child. And honestly if I felt that way I should have stopped him, because deep down that means I knew I might want another.

By Karen~admin on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 09:00 pm:

My X had a vasectomy after Jen was born. Granted, she was his 4th child; my 2nd birth child. He *wanted* to have one immediately after Jeff was born. I had many problems with the pregnancy, and when he was born, he had many health issues, was in the NICU, the doctors did not know if he had brain damage, etc. I was so hurt that X wanted to *take away my chance for another child* so quickly. He put it off. Jen was conceived (not planned). He decided enough was enough. Fast forward 8 years. I had to have emergency surgery for an ovarian tumor. My doctor asked me, when going into surgery, depending on what he found once he was *inside*, did I want him to go ahead and do a hysterectomy. I was separated just a year, getting a divorce, and 38 y/o. Deep down I knew I was done having kids - I had raised 2 that were not birth children, and was now a single mom to 2 more. But the thought of never having the option to have another did not sit well with me. I kept thinking *what if I meet someone and want to have another child*. So I told him to save what could be saved. 15 months later a hysterectomy was medically necessary. By then I knew that even if I did meet someone, I was finished having kids.

I would have LOVED to have had 3 of my own, but I had horrible pregnancies, had pre-eclampsia with both, was on bed rest with both. I got pregnant easily but did not carry well.

Due to your age, if it were me, I would wait a few years to make that final decision. At this point, you feel you are certain you don't want any more kids. But, you are both very young, you might change your mind in three years. If I were you I would wait a bit before taking that step. Just my input..................

By Hol on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 11:16 pm:

I had my tubes tied when I was 34. Back at that time, the doctors wouldn't even TALK to you about having it done unless you were at least 30, and even then, your spouse had to sign, saying that they were aware that you were having it done, because it used to be grounds for divorce if one spouse deprived another of parenthood.

I didn't at all want to have it done. We had two kids, a girl and a boy, four years apart. When Dan was a year old, I just got a "hankering" to have a third. DH said absolutely no. I just didn't feel right about ending my fertility. I LOVED being pregnant and nursing. I had easy pregnancies, and quick, easy labors and deliveries. I told DH that if that was how he felt, that he should be the one to have it done. He kept putting it off, and was undecisive (and more than a little scared). When it became obvious that I couldn't talk him into having a third, I opted to have my tubes tied, mostly because I didn't want to stay on the pill my whole reproductive life. It was not a big deal, physically. MY OB/GYN did tell me to be VERY SURE, as the reversals weren't very successful back then. He posed the question to me, how would I feel if I lost a child?

Fast forward fifteen years. My beautiful, wonderful son was dead at twenty. My daughter was now an only child. I was forty eight, so a little old to try to have a baby. No child REPLACES another anyway. However, I've often thought that, if I had had a third child, my DD wouldn't be without a sibling. And I resented my DH for his stand so many years ago.

Fast forward again to 2003. I watched my DD and her DH try unsuccessfully month after month to conceive. Debby has rheumatoid arthritis, and takes strong drugs for it. My son-in-law had melanoma and thyroid cancer. The subsequent chemo and radiation left his "count" very low. I watched them go through injections and fertility treatments, and having to drive 150 miles to harvest her eggs at just the *right* time. I have to worry about the effects , if any, that those hormones might have on Deb down the road.

We were blessed with little Megan in January of 2005, but it was a struggle to get her here, and it will be a struggle to give her siblings.

Even my DH now sorely regrets not having a third child. He did agree with me on adopting our two younger DS's four years ago, so maybe some good came out of our mistake. We have two wonderful sons.

I have just come to the conclusion, at this time in my life, that fertility is a gift from God, and not one to be thrown away. It is so precious, and those who don't have it would think that those of us who do are just WRONG to take it away.

There are other BC measures that are not permanent, because life can change literally, in a second. With the divorce rate at 50%, or spouses or children dying young, it is a decision you may regret.

Just think long and hard about it. If you aren't sure, then listen to that "little voice" and don't do it. JMO.

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, August 8, 2006 - 12:07 am:

I'm nearing menopause. DH and I are middle-aged. We haven't had any kids, since I was 32. Neither one of us is fixed. We just use barrier methods for birth control and so far it has worked. Sometimes, I long for the luxury of no birth control, but it's not that big of a deal to reach for the foam. I did try the pill for 3 months, but felt horrible on it and the one I was on, at the time, prevented me from having a period for 3 months. Not that that was horrible, but I kept worrying that I was pregnant. Maybe a different pill would have worked better, but I never tried a different one. Besides, somedays, I forget my blood pressure meds, so I would probably forget my Bcp, too! LOL!

With us, for a long time, we had insurance that wouldn't cover a vasectomy or tubal ligation. I have no idea where we stand now. It's probably not going to happen now, since I'm supposed to be getting closer to the change, anyway. Although, my periods still come like clockwork and show NO signs of slowing down! And no, I don't want a baby now, at the age of 46!

By Beth on Tuesday, August 8, 2006 - 08:37 am:

My dh did it 6 weeks after my second child was born. We knew we could not afford more, didn't want more and I did not want to be on the pill. We were. 28 and 34. Even with that said I think if you have any doubt you should wait at least a year like someone else said.

By Brandy on Tuesday, August 8, 2006 - 09:27 am:

I would say Don't do it you might be SURE now but maybe not in the future things do change they did for me and well Daniel got a vasectomy a few months after Alex was born i hope and pray about every other month that it failed but 9 years later it hasn't ...

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, August 8, 2006 - 12:09 pm:

Well, I guess DH answered it for me last night. Just to see how he would respond I told him if he was really ready to get one he could do it. It was a deer in the headlights moment for him, lol. I guess I won't hear him telling people that we are 100% done now. Not that were considering more. Were just going to go with our original plan of me getting the 5 year IUD and deciding at the end of that if we want more or not. So hopefully I only have 5 more years of hormonal birth control to deal with.

Thank you all for your input.

By Breann on Tuesday, August 8, 2006 - 12:14 pm:

I think you made a good decision

Who knows what your feelings will be in 10 years. You'll be more "mature" (not that you aren't mature now, lol) then and your feelings can easily change with maturity.

By Reds9298 on Tuesday, August 8, 2006 - 01:18 pm:

Ditto on the good decision.

I only have a max of 3 more years on the pill (yay!) When Natalie goes to school, we agreed that DH is definitely getting one then, if not before. That's our cut-off.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, August 8, 2006 - 06:40 pm:

First, let's be clear. With a vasectomy or a tubal ligation - you are NOT "infertile". The man keeps manufacturing sperm and the woman keeps manufacturing eggs. What is done is a severing of the tubes by which the sperm is delivered to the vas deferens or the eggs to the uterus (and, in fact, there is some risk of an ectopic pregnancy in women who have had tubal ligations - not great, but it is there). The hormones are still there, the sperm or eggs are still there -they just can't get where they'd need to be to make a baby.

So, if your husband has a vasectomy and later on you decide you want a child and the vasectomy can't be reversed, then you probably have to have a procedure where the sperm are withdrawn from their "storage" area, for implantation. The only thing that makes a man infertile is removal of the testes; for a woman, removal of the ovaries. And the reversal of a vasectomy, though by no means 100%, is a whole lot easier and more likely to be successful than reversing a tubal ligation. Still, you don't go into it thinking that if you change your mind it can be reversed - much better, I suggest, to think in permanent terms.

My ex had a vasectomy after our third - I was 28 and he was 29. We knew very well that 3 was our absolute limit. One of the questions we were asked in counseling, before the vasectomy, was "what would you do if one of your children died - would you want another child?" My response was that children are not like cars - they are not replaceable.

Yes, you should be very sure. It's nice to talk about adoption if you later decide you want another child, but the odds of being able to adopt a healthy baby of your race is not really very great. And adoption is a very expensive procedure. Not that having and raising a child is not expensive, but to start off with the very large expense of adoption - ouch!

I don't know if anyone can be 100% sure, but you should be very sure. And you have to remember that aside from abstinence or vasectomy/tubal ligation, no form of birth control is 100%. I had a friend who used to say that she got her first child on condoms, the second on the diaphragm (sp?), the third on an IUD. She then had a tubal ligation. And her husband was a doctor, so it isn't like they didn't "know".

By Hol on Wednesday, August 9, 2006 - 01:22 am:

Ginny - Even tubals and vascectomies are not 100%. I know a woman who got pregnant after her DH had a vascectomy. He was rotten to her in the beginning, and said that there was no way that it was his. He had been married before, had an older son, and had had the procedure done after that. It took extensive lab testing (before DNA was so widely used) to convince him that the boy was his.

And yes, adoption CAN be very expensive if you go through a private agency. However, we adopted through our state DCYF, and it cost us nothing. Granted, we adopted teenagers. However, my DH has a postal customer who is fostering two infants right now, and she told him that there are currently THIRTEEN infants living in shelters in RI, all races, up for adoption.