This is new to me. My son is almost 12. Unfortunately a lot of his friends have moved away.(We live in a military town). Over the years he has had some really good friends, they would play at our house, or he would go there. At the end of the school year he met a boy in his class. He talked about him for awhile. This boy(Ill call him "J")would call here, and they would talk about when they could play. They did get together a few times. The kicker is, his mother would only let the boys play for 2 hrs. I found this odd. I mean, these are 12 yr old boys. These are boys who do not run the streets, but basically sit and play playstation or look at yu gi oh cards. One time they made a date to play, and I told my son I could drive him, but could not pick him up in the 2 hr period because Faith was napping. I told him I could pick him up at the 3hr mark. Honestly, I didnt think this was a problem. When I dropped him off, he told J and his mother what I said. She said she would take him home. 2 hours exactly she brought him home.The last 3 weeks, my son has called there once a week to play, each time now, the mom tells J no. My son said he could hear J ask him mom, and could hear the mom say no. On the few occasions J was able to come here, my son asked if he could go swimming in our pool. The mom said no, with the excuse that he gets sunburned easily. Yet, they have a small pool at their house. The mother has been to our house once to pick up her son. I thought she seemed nice. At that time I did not know about her 2 hr rule.Granted our house is not perfect, we have dogs here(they have a dog), we have clutter/toys, but basically it is clean. We do not smoke. We do not drink. Well my husband has beer in the fridge, but he may drink it at night when the kids are in bed, never in front of the kids.Honestly, I think it has to do with religion, well part of it. One day my son told J he was Jewish. J asked my son if he believed in God, and my son said yes. My son said that was the end of the discusion. One day my son called there to see if J could play. J told my son he was going to a church picinic and that his mom said that Matthew was not invited because she wanted J to meet church friends.
My son is having a party next week, and called today to invite him. J asked his mom while on the phone with my son. J said his mom said they were going away or doing something that day, he would have to call him back. My son gets the call from J a little bit ago. J said he could not go because they were doing something that day. My son asked what they were doing, and J said they wouldnt tell me.
Obviously they dont want her son with my son. I just cant figure out why. All the years my son has had friends this has never happened. My son is very respectful when he is elsewhere, never uses bad language. When the boy use to come here, things were fairly quiet. They would stay in my sons room playing a game or playstation. They always had the door opened, as I would check.
My son's feelings are hurt. Honestly I do not know the problem. My underlying feeling is partly a relgious thing.
Has this happened with any of your kids?

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, August 6, 2006 - 03:30 pm:

It never happened to my kids, but they were called names and harassed because our last name sounds Jewish. I hate to say it, but I think it could well be religious. If you have the strength, can you just flat out say to the mother - I have the feeling you don't want J playing with your son. If that is true, please tell me why, because J is feeling very hurt.

If it is because you are Jewish, then you have to decide how to handle it. If that's what it is, this is not the last time J is going to run into this, and maybe you (or a rabbi you can easily reach) can explain to him that some people are very bigoted against people who don't believe the way they believe, and sometimes are bigoted against Jews. You can also tell J that there are a whole lot of Christians out there, including the Pope and the heads of most organized denominations in this country, who don't believe that way and think that believing and behaving that way is unChristian. And reassure J that there is nothing wrong with him and that being Jewish is perfectly fine - just some people are really ignorant and to be pitied for their ignorance.

It's an awful shock, in this day and age, to think that an adult would be so petty and behave so badly towards a child. I pity her, and think she doesn't read the same parts of the Bible I read.

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, August 6, 2006 - 03:32 pm:

I had some more thoughts. J is 12 now, and in a few years he is going to be looking at girls as *girls* and want to start having a girlfriend and even dating. And he may run into more of this, with parents who don't want their daughter dating someone who is not Christian. For that reason, I think it is even more important that you start preparing him now so that he can accept such behavior as someone else's ignorance rather than thinking there is something wrong with him or with being Jewish.

By Jackie on Sunday, August 6, 2006 - 03:34 pm:

Ginny, you make perfect sense. I find this whole thing sad,expecially if is a religious thing. Sorry if I sounded confusing, my sons name is Matthew, his friend is "J"...
This is just the first time, anything like this has happened to my son.

By Heaventree on Sunday, August 6, 2006 - 03:47 pm:

I don't know if it's a religous thing or not, but my suggestion is try to get to know the family better, maybe you could invite them all over for a bbq, perhaps she has gotten the wrong impression for some reason and if she got to know you and your husband and family a bit better it might make a difference. I would do it in person though as it is harder to turn down an invitation when someone is standing right in front of you. Just say you were just driving by and wanted to know if they would like to come by for a bbq next weekend or whenever it is convenient for you, I wouldn't mention it to Matthew yet though, you don't want to get his hopes up. Maybe even drop off some home baked cookies. It might seem a bit pushy but who cares at this point, if you do nothing then Matthew is out a friend and doesn't have any closure.

I wouldn't even mention the religion issue as it will most likely be denied anyway.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

By Kaye on Sunday, August 6, 2006 - 04:59 pm:

Sometimes parenting styles just don't click. It is hard on your son, but the harsh reality is sometimes we like people that don't like us back. This could be a religious thing, maybe not. Either way as Ginny points out, he will soon be dating and this will come up a lot. Being from a Christian home, my preference is for my children to marry someone from a similar background (and you shouldn't date someone you don't think is marriage material), because ultimately it is one less thing to fight about. Mind you my inlaws are Jewish (hubby is not), so I am all too familiar with the strifes of having religious differences. We have finally mostly found our peace, but it has been 16 years, and only because I refuse to fight about it. They still have no respect for our families choice on church, but do expect us to not step on their sabbath day. But as a Christian, I know that God puts people in front of ritual and we just don't let it bother us. But it took a lot of growing to get there. Anyway, my point is, as much as it hurts his feelings, it sounds like a good time to say, things just don't always work out.

By Jackie on Sunday, August 6, 2006 - 05:08 pm:

The funny thing about the religious aspect of it is my husband is not Jewish. He was brought up Catholic, although does not practice his religion. I have had long talks with my son about religion and the difference. I told him some people who are not Jewish think the Jews are going to Hell because we do not believe in what they do. This is from first hand experience. I had a born again Christian friend in highschool she told me this. Again friends of ours here, who are Baptist told me the same thing. They do not say it anymore, and we are still friends. She respects my relgion and I do the same.
For me, being married to somebdoy who is not the same relgion is not a big deal. We are both good people, and take care of our kids. I sometimes forget that there are people who see different relgions as a foreign concept.

By Dawnk777 on Sunday, August 6, 2006 - 06:37 pm:

Emily ran into this, in early grade school. There was a little girl, at school, who she really liked. I tried a few times, to make play dates, and the mom always had an excuse. I think the little girl's family were Jehovah Witnesses. It didn't matter to me, but apparently it bothered the other mom. Emily was so sad. The mom is nice enough and the little girl was nice enough, but she didn't want her daughter at our house. Oh well. There were many tears at our house, because it's hard for a 7-8 yo to grasp this kind of stuff.

I do know that the other little girl, never got to come to any class parties. When they did the green eggs and ham breakfast, in first grade, the other little girl, came at about 10am. I wonder how her mom explained that she couldn't be part of the fun stuff. I guess it's hard for me to understand, too.

By Cocoabutter on Sunday, August 6, 2006 - 10:20 pm:

Something having to do with the religion may also be that if they are orthodox Jews, they may observe kosher, which has something to do with strict guidelines that forbid any dairy to be eaten or cooked with meat, and also forbids eating pork altogether. Often Jews do not eat out because kosher requires that food is cooked in separate cookware as well.

That may be why she wouldn't allow him to come to the party.

By Luvn29 on Sunday, August 6, 2006 - 10:23 pm:

Lisa, it's Jackie's son that is Jewish. I thought it was the other boy at first, and then realized when I re-read it that it is her son who is...

By Cocoabutter on Sunday, August 6, 2006 - 10:25 pm:

Oh, sorry... I guess then you can all ignore my post...

By Annie2 on Sunday, August 6, 2006 - 11:13 pm:

Well, I may be the odd person here but thinking that the other mom does not want your sons to play together based on an idea that her reasons are religious based, without her full intent known, makes you prejudicial.

I would think she is an oddball because of her two hour rule. I would not encouage their friendship because she sounds like a control freak. Your son can find better playmates.

By Trina~moderator on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 07:55 am:

It may have nothing to do with religion. Perhaps her son has behavioral issues and a 2 hr. play date is all he can handle. Or maybe she has had people take advantage of her in the past by using "playdates" as a baby-sitting service. It's very hard to tell for sure when you don't know all the details.

By Jackie on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 08:01 am:

Your right, I do not know all the details. I do not know if it is religion based or not. I guess there is all types of people in this world. It is just the first time my son has come across a friend like this. When they first started talking on the phone back in May. The friend would ask my son if he could go to his house for sleepovers. I do not "normallY' let my kids do sleepovers, as they are VERY crabby the next day.(they can on very special occasions).I told my son no to sleepovers, but would always allow playdates. It just seems that the family has a problem with me or my family. Oh well. My son is starting a week long summer sport daycamp today. He will be gone 8:30-4:30. Hopefully he will meet some new friends, or at least take his mind off his friend who can no longer play with him.

By Kate on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 09:22 am:

If they've invited your son for sleepovers, I'd say they don't have a problem with your son or your family. They just have certain rules/ideas about playdates. Although I'm not sure how the mom can handle sleepovers if she doesn't allow playdates longer than two hours. Frankly, though, two hours for a playdate is long enough for me, too! *I* don't necessarily want kids at my house all day long, although I don't have a two hour rule. But I see nothing wrong with it. Far better to have a non stressed out mom than a mom so agitated by a longer one. Also, Trina has a point...maybe when you tried to leave your son for three hours, instead of her stated two, she worried it would become a habit and she tried to nip it in the bud. Maybe she also senses that you think she's odd or that you disapprove of her about the playdates and she's responding to that by avoiding you.

I've had moms who don't respond well to playdate overtures, even though my daughter really likes the little girl, and you're right, it's very hard to try and explain to your child why she can't play with so and so. Especially when you have no definite reason you can explain. She might not like you, or your lifestyle. She might not like that you are Jewish. Or she might like you just fine and this is just her way.

By Jackie on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 09:44 am:

It is so hard to figure out. About the sleepover invite, that was right in the beginning of the friendship, before my son told his friend he was Jewish. Again, I do not know if religion is a problem or not.
I agree, I dont always want other kids at my house all day. BUT, these are 2 twelve yr old boys, not 3 yr olds that need constant supervision. They are very quiet when they are together.
On the other hand, we have had friends play here for just about all day. It never bothered me, expecially if they are good friends.
Today my daughters friend is here, she just got dropped off. They are 7 yr old and play a lot together. The mom(who is also a friend of mine)will pick her up at 2:30 when she is done with work. My daughter has been over there all day as well.
I dont think its "Wrong" so to speak limiting playdates to 2 hr, I just find it dift then anything Ive experienced. I mean they are 12 yr old boys,not toddlers drawing on the walls and opening drawers and climbing on things.