The importance of GoodBye
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The importance of GoodBye
I am running a womans' group starting on Wednesday (the leader left and I was voted to take over for her) and our topic is: What is the importance of "Goodbye"? How important is it to say it and why? Also, what kinds of goodbyes are there? I would love some input from you guys. I think this could go alot of different directions.
Well, the goodbye that is on my mind lately, is the farewell to my cousin (more like a sister) who has about six months to live. She is suffering from lung cancer. Every time I see her or speak to her and we say, "ciao". I wonder if we've said it for the last time.
Or - take my sil. My husband never got to say goodbye to his baby sister. She passed suddenly in her home and he found her.
Or - take that same sil, who put her daughter to bed one night and would never see her alive again. That good night was "good bye".
I guess the only advice I can give is that when you say.m "goodbye" - mean it.
Ame
Ditto Ame, I didn't say good night to my great-grandfather the night he died, and it's always bothered me. (I was 7) There have been friends that I never got the chance to say goodbye to for one reason or another, and it weighs heavily on my mind.
Ame - (((HUGS))) to you for the situation with your cousin, and all of the loss and sadness that you have had in your's and Dh's life.
That is a very interesting topic. Good-bye.
I believe the origin of the word was equal to "God speed", or "go with God". Have a "good" bye, or journey. It is certainly a word, that like a lot of others we use, but don't think too much about. Like when we say to someone, "How are you?" Do we really care at the moment, or is it just a greeting?
Goodbye can mean:
The end of a phone conversation. Sort of, "We're done for now".
A "see you later" as we go off to work.
A heart-wrenching bid for one's safety and protection when they are leaving us for a little while.
A final parting, either through death, divorce, or some other end to a relationship.
You are right. We never know when goodbye is the final goodbye. I'm sure when the people who worked in the Twin Towers or the Pentagon, or who boarded those planes that morning, said "goodbye" to their spouses/loved ones, they had no idea it was the last goodbye on Earth.
The last thing I said to my son, Dan, as we ended our last phone conversation, was, "Good night. I love you. I'll talk to you tomorrow". Ninety minutes later, he was dead. I had no idea, and I'm sure that he didn't either.
We traveled around a lot with the military, in our early years of marriage. We met some wonderful people that made it very hard to move to another duty station. I once had a wonderful friend, older than me, who said, "I never say goodbye. I just say so long, because we WILL meet again."
I never forgot that. I believe that she was right.
I personally have a hard time with the word, "Goodbye". It's pretty final feeling for me. So I guess I save it for something that final. I am more inclined to say something more open ended like, "See (talk to) you later.", "I'll write you soon.", "Maybe we can get together sometime.", etc. I have been told by someone who knows me very well that I have a hard time with closure. So I guess if a person struggles with saying "Goodbye" it makes sense to me that it would make moving on a bit of a challenge.
Ame, I'm very sorry to hear about your cousin. I will keep both of you in my prayers and thoughts. I've also noticed you haven't been posting quite as much, and wanted to let you know I've missed you. Hugs to you during this difficult time.
Wow, this could be a powerful thread. I'll have to post to it later on, but I know which direction my thoughts are heading.........
I have always been a strong believer in saying good-bye, and I love you (when appropriate). I can't ever think of an instance when I hung up the phone with my close family and didn't say I love you, nor left the house without kissing my daughters and telling them I loved them. I grew up that way, and I continue on that way. Because of my strong feelings, it's been a sort of bone of contention between my dh and me. He has the ability to leave the house without saying good-bye, and often hangs up the phone without saying I love you (even to me). Not that he doesn't love me, he just doesn't say it so often. I've told him how important it is to me for him to say good-bye before he leaves, and he's trying, but it doesn't always get said. My girls are like me.. so I'm sure they'll have similar discussions with their husbands some day!
There are different *goodbyes*. But the one I am most familiar with at this point is the goodbye that relates to end of life. (Those of you familiar with our losses of last year will understand) And regarding that particular *goodbye*, there are a number of ways to say it. I think when you are saying goodbye to someone who is terminal, it's important to tell the other person you love them, tell them it's OK to leave, assure them that you and the others they are leaving behind will be OK, and say goodbye. It is the hardest goodbye any of us ever has to say, and it gives you closure.
But even in those situations, people don't always get to say their goodbyes, or they feel a sense of denial, and don't WANT to say goodbye. It's human nature to believe (or WANT to believe) that there will always be more time to say goodbye. The reality is, you never know how much time you will have, so putting off saying goodbye could result in never having the opportunity to say goodbye at all.
I experienced both of those types of goodbye last year. With my mom, though her passing was much quicker than any of us thought it would be, it was very obvious what was happening, and I was able to tell her I loved her, and it was OK for her to leave, and to say goodbye. With my inlaws though, it was very different. My MIL was sick and in hospice, and though we had opportunities to say those things – and we DID – we thought we would see her again before she passed. In other words, we said goodbye, but mentally were thinking it wasn't the *final* goodbye. With my FIL, he passed suddenly, just 3 days after we visited him. And while we told him we loved him, and said goodbye at the end of our visit, it was in no way a *final* goodbye.
When my Dad passed 16 years ago, I had just spoken with him on the phone less than 2 hours before. He was in the hospital, and we were discussing getting together several months in the future. We said goodbye, naturally assuming we would be speaking the next day, and then he was gone. There were many, many things I wanted to say to him that had been left unsaid, so I felt (and still feel) that I never had the chance to say goodbye.
What I learned from that is you should always take the time to tell people what they mean to you as often as you can, because when you say goodbye, because you never know if *that* could be the last chance you have to do it.
Casual goodbyes – like when you say goodbye to a friend after a phone call, or co-workers when you leave work, or even your family when one of you leaves the house, are usually meant as *talk to you later/see you later*. But in reality, that COULD be the last goodbye. It's obviously not something any of us usually considers when we say goodbye. Most often, when I say goodbye in those cases, I also say *take care*, and when I'm saying goodbye to my family members, I ALWAYS say *I love you*. Because I wouldn't want my last goodbye to NOT include that.
I think the bottom line here is, on a day-to-day basis, you don't think of this stuff when you're saying goodbye to someone, and if you did, it would probably end up consuming you, wondering if this goodbye was going to be the last one, and there's no point in everyone becoming obsessive. So the lesson here would be to take advantage of every opportunity you have to let those you are close to, and those you love know what they mean to you, so when you say goodbye, you – and they – know this and if it does end up being a final goodbye, you can be at peace with that.
I sound sort of morbid with this, don't I? You can tell that *final* goodbyes are a big point with me. LOL
Good bye isn't something that is easy for me to say. Watching two moms die I actually haven't said those words to them. With my mother, I said I love you, and you will forever be with me. With Beth I simply said I will see you later (we both thought there was a chance to see each other again). However their goodbyes to me were important. It wasn't words but gifts. Beth handed me her wedding ring that my dad bought her and said, this is yours, thanks for giving me your dad and these wonderful 5 years. Hold on to this until I can have them back. She knew then she was going to die, but still had hope she would make it. I wear that ring now, in place of my own wedding ring.
For my mother good byes were about finishing business. She had MS and wanted to donate her brain to research. She had gotten all the info mailed to me, so when she was hospitalized we talked about that. I was able to take care of that and when I told her (this was a huge deal I had to get a doc to donate services..thank dr child's) she was just overcome with emotion. She really only had about 2 weeks notice that she was going to die. But I can look back in the 6 months before she got sick and see things she did, items she completeing, things she bought for me and the kids, etc kind of a finale of sorts.
As far as daily good byes, I think it is important to know where people are. So my hubby doesn't walk out of this house without saying goodbye, and vice versa. I will say my dd was 3 when her gma died. She was in the room with us and her cousin showed up, so then went out to play in the waiting room) with other family. At that time the doc said, no kids in the room. So she never said goodbye and it took several years before she was okay. When Beth died, I made a huge point of telling my kids that we were going to the hospital and it would likely be there last chance to see her. One of my children chose not to go, he said (at age 7) we have a great time with Oma, she knows I love her and she is important to me. He never has said anything else about it.
I like the Spanish goodbye better. "Via con Dios" (go with God). The "I Love You's" are EXTREMELY important, too. My DH is guilty of that. He's a good man who loves us a lot. However, he's not a real "mushy" person. His Mom wasn't either. He (and his Mom) let actions do the talking, and he just assumes that we know. Our pastor once told a story in one of his sermons: an old farmer was asked why he never told his wife he loved her. He said, "I told her the day I married her that I love her. If it changes, she'll be the first to know".
**Just thought I'd interject a little humour, since this is such a sad subject.
I HATE goodbyes...I say I will see you soon..My Dad died June 22 of this year ...I NEVER got to say GOODBYE...He was living with our family for the past 18 months...I'm having a very HARD time dealing with it. He was WORRIED about me finically since we just finshed a new room for him..Tax wise...I told him we would be OK..I would have LIED thru my teeth for him..I feel that after I told him that (11am on 22) that he gave up... I know that he only had a few days left BUT I'M MAD cause he TOOK off his oxgen mask..I think he really didn't want to say goodbye so he did it while I was at the store... He had prostate cancer..we did not know it had spread till the day he died..He went to the hospital on June 3 and came home on the 22nd at 3pm he was gone by 8:45pm... It still breaks my heart....I had to do it for him..He is buried in Bushnell National Cem with all the other VET!!. He is home now but I'm sitting here with a BROKEN HEART...I know one day I WILL see him again but for now my heart is in pieces... I need to go now I have to try and get things done.I know things will get better, my husband tells me that all the time, he lost both of his parents my the time he was 18.
BUT I'M MAD cause he TOOK off his oxgen mask..I think he really didn't want to say goodbye so he did it while I was at the store
Cathy, I am so sorry about your dad. And your feeling angry is a normal stage of grief. But I have to address what you said. Your dad most likely didn't want you to sit there and watch him die. It is amazing, when people are terminally ill, what the power of their minds can do.
When I had to put my mom into hospice last year, at that point, we were told she had *at least* several months left. The day after she went into hospice, she began withdrawing. By the second evening, she had stopped talking, and responding to any of us. The only person she responded to after that was my sister, who flew in from CA, and my mom said exactly 5 words to her: *Don't cry baby, go home.*
I was terrified to leave the center to go eat, or anything else, and I remember telling the nurse I was afraid to leave, because I was afraid she would die while I was gone. She and my friend who is a hospice nurse both told me that if my mom wanted to go when no one was there, then she would. That very often, people don't want their loved ones watching them die. I know in my heart that my mom was telling my sister that. I also know in my heart that she held on just long enough to know that it was OK to go. The day before she died, the doctor told us she had less than 48 hours. At that point, we insisted my uncle (her brother) say his goodbyes to her. He had been in denial the entire time she had been sick (she had lung cancer) and he couldn't accept that there was nothing else to do for her. He finally said his goodbyes to her the morning that she died - she passed away less than an hour after he did.
So, while I understand you are angry that you didn't get to say goodbye to your dad, I also think he KNOWS you loved him, he died believing you would be OK, and he was trying to spare you, and perhaps give himself what he may have felt was the smallest bit of dignity he had left - by dying on his own terms. So as much as you are hurting, as unfair as it feels to you, could you have denied him that?
I know what you are feeling, I have BTDT - 3 times last year alone - and you are going to go through the different stages of grief, no matter what. And it's OK - it's OK to be sad or angry, it's OK if you want to cry or even scream. At least you are feeling your emotions and dealing with them. I am truly sorry you feel like your heart is broken. But I can tell that you will definitely feel better one day, and you will be able to remember the good things without so much pain.
{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Cathy and just one more thought...I hate the saying it will get better. It will get different. Losing a parent (especially for women) changes you. The 9th anniversary of my mom's death is coming this week. Honestly I don't cry as much, but even hubby commented about how much it changed me still. He misses the old me and it has been tough on our marriage. But then again, wouldn't it be a shame if we go through the death of a family member and remain untouched and unchanged?
Sarah, I think if you share some of the comments from this thread, you will have a good start for talking about goodbyes.
I've been thinking about this - I have an email friend with whom I corresponded 3-4 times a month for a couple of years. Then about a year went by with no emails from her, and I sent an email seeking closure. I got an email back saying don't go there, and we correspondended off and on for about 6 months. Nothing since, and I really need to say goodbye to her - get closure. That, I think, is part of the goodbyes at the airport, with the moving van in the driveway, when life-changing things happen. And, it is important to remember that you never know what will happen, so it is important to say goodbye with love every time a spouse or child, other family member or friend leaves your house. Having that unsaid goodbye just hanging in the air can leave a huge empty space that fills up with regrets and pain.
Thanks, Hol and Nicki. And to all of you who shared your sadness, Hugs.
Ame
Cathy (((HUGS))) to you, dear! I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Dad. I lost my Dad from prostate cancer, too, when he was 70 and I was 37. I miss him so much, to this day. He, too, didn't want anyone around when he went. For a couple weeks before he died, he kept talking to his Mom, who died three years before him. He was on pain meds, and kept drifting in and out of consciousness. We had all been at the hospital the night before. I kissed my Dad and told him I loved him. We received a call very early the next morning that he was going. The shift had changed and the nurse went in to take his vitals, and his BP was almost non-existent. DH and I got there about 30 minutes later, and he was still in his bed, with the sweetest smile on his face, and he had gone Home. DH said, "Hol, look at him. SOMEONE came for him. Look how happy he is".
When my MIL was in hospice care at home for breast cancer, we knew it would be anytime. DH and I worried that my FIL would be alone with her when she went, because he didn't handle crises very well, and was VERY dependent on her. I was at work and got a call from the hospice nurse, saying that she was "shutting down". The urine in her catheter bag looked like rust, and her BP was very low. I called DH to ask him where he was. He was an Army recruiter at the time, had a staff car, and was all over the state. Turns out, he was right by her house. I told him to get there right away. He made lunch for his Dad, and as they sat eating, DH said he saw his Mom inhale and exhale hard, twice. Then, he said she inhaled again, and that was it. He checked his Mom's pulse, then said to his Dad, "Mom has just expired". Because DH was there, my FIL remained calm, and was able to spend some time with her before the funeral director came. I got there just before they removed her body. The hospice nurse told my DH that she waited for him to get there.
Good bye doesn't always need to be verbally expressed. It is felt, it is known, but it isn't final. Life is eternal.
I'm bad about good-byes. When an employee that I care about is leaving, I'll do something nice for them a few days before their last day so they know I care. But I try to be off on their last day or I'll make myself scarce when they actually leave. I have been at my current job for over 20 years. When I leave, I intend to give my boss my notice and ask him not to tell anybody. On my last day I'll tell everybody see ya. I don't think I could stand having everybody around me telling me they'll miss me. I'd ball my eyes out. I don't do goodbyes. I just try to make the best of each day so if something happens, I don't have regrets. Be nice to people as I go. Tell my loved ones and friends (which I guess are loved ones, too) I love you and be careful at each parting. I'm just a woos (have no idea how to spell that). Call me horrible. When my dad died, I didn't say goodbye. I just held his hand and said I love you.
Ginny - A woman has just written a book about women's friendships, and how, often times, when a friendship is over, women don't end it, or bring closure. They just kind of let it die a natural death. I saw her on Oprah.
I admit that I am in a situation like that now. I met a young woman nine years ago, right after my son Dan died. She had just lost her Mom. She was young enough to be my daughter. We formed a friendship and shared a lot as we both worked through our grief. She kind of attached herself to me, and called me "Mom #2". Our DH's got to be friendly, as well. However, I think she was fonder of me than I was of her.
When we adopted the boys, she made it clear that they were not welcome in her home. Not because of anything they had done, mind you, but she shifted the blame to her DH. She had been a foster child herself, so I thought if anyone understood what my guys had been through, she would. She also got so she didn't want to come here if the boys were home. She always wanted DH and I to visit them without the boys. It is an hour up there and an hour back. Neither DH nor I really enjoy night driving anymore, if we don't have to. I just got so, the relationship was more burdensome than it was rewarding, at least for me. It became a chore to go see her. She probably was very jealous of the boys. She kept telling me that I really didn't know them that well, and I'd be "alone in the boondocks" with them. I just kind of let the friendship drift away. I stopped calling or returning her calls. (Rude, I know).
DH thinks I am wrong. He said "you were good friends at one time". I think he misses her DH's friendship. I told him he can still go see him if he wants. To me, if you love me, you love my boys. We are a package deal.
I think sometimes, circumstances cause us to forge friendships that we might not otherwise. Soldiers often form very tight friendships in battle situations. Then, when the war is over, they go their separate ways.
I wish I could have just been honest with her, but I just didn't feel like getting into it with her.
My mil died in hopsice at home. The day before she died everybody (her 6 kids, spouses, 15 grandkids, their spouses and kids) were at her house. She was not lucid most of the time, in great pain, etc. She struggled for each breath. About 5pm I told dh that she WOULD NOT go on with all of us there. She WOULD NOT want to go with all of us staring at her and all of the activity going on in her house. She probably feels like she needs to be doing something. So I finally talked him into going home and he talked most of his family into leaving. Everybody kissed and told her they loved her and left. The only people that stayed were his oldest sister, youngest brother who lived there and fil. She died just a few hours after everybody left.
I never said goodbye to a little girl I used to babysit for. After I quit babysitting her, I lost touch with the family for a while, other than running into them at the store once in a while. She died at the age of 12. I never knew until about 2 months after ...
I always give my dh a hug and a kiss before he leaves for work.
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