Ugh. I'm in a pickle. Okay, so I have a really good relationship with my 16yo dd. She shares a lot with me, with the understanding that I do not freak out, and that the information goes no further. She is VERY big on confidentiality, which is why her friends tell her a lot...they know their info is safe with her, which I find to be a very good quality, BTW. Since she trusts me, and also knows that info is safe with me, she tells me a lot. I know A LOT about her friends and kids that she/we know, sometimes more than I would like to know, LOL. (Who is drinking, taking drugs, having sex, etc.) Well, yesterday we had a conversation that she prefaced with the not-unusual, "Okay, you can't tell this to ANYONE, promise?" Which, of course, I say "yes" to. (And I really don't ever tell anyone.) Except that she proceeds to tell me that one of my best friend's 15yo son has started smoking weed! Aacchh! How can I not tell one of my best friends, who has been sharing her struggles with this same son with me?! But how can I maintain my dd's trust at the same time? At this point in her life, I don't want to jeopardize the free-flowing information, KWIM? She said if I told his mom, it would most certainly come back to her, because he supposedly hasn't told anyone else. I just don't know what to do. *I* would certainly want to know. Any ideas on how she could *find out* without anyone knowing my dd told?

By Momofmax on Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - 06:44 pm:

I don't have any ideas for you but I admire the relationship that you have with your dd. My ds is much younger but I am trying to build the same relationship with him (he's almost 7). I always tell him that I will not tell unless the person is going to be harmed. Right now he's just telling me harmless things. When he gets older that will be tricky because that may keep him from telling me lots of stuff. What a dilemma. Do you think she's telling you to get the "monkey off her back", so to speak? Is she hoping you'll handle it without her getting involved or does she really want you to just know this and sit tight? Also, it's probable that SOMEONE else knows this info. He probably doesn't do it alone. Even if you don't tell the mom, it may get back to her and your dd needs to know that you weren't necessarily the one who told. BTW, how do you handle it when she tells you something about one of her friends? Can she still hang out with that person? I'm just wondering how I'll handle it. It sounds nice to say that you won't allow your kids to hang with kids you don't like but I remember being young. Ugh!

By Emily7 on Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - 06:47 pm:

That is hard. You have to tell her, it is something she really needs to know. Maybe she can talk to him saying that his behavioral changes make her think he is on drugs & that she wants to have him tested. That way it sounds like it is something she has come up with on her own.
Or talk to your dd & explain to her that this is harmful behavior & that you really think that the both of you should talk to his mom.
Good luck!

By Happynerdmom on Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - 08:38 pm:

Thanks, ladies. Jeanne, I don't think she told me because she wants me to do anything...it came up in a conversation about how people that she never would have thought would do things, are doing them. It was more of a "oh, a perfect example, guess who I found out has been smoking weed?"
Emily, that's a good idea, especially since his behavior has been concerning her. She could make it seem like something she came up with. I'm just worried that she is going to FREAK OUT and not be able to play it cool. KWIM?
Thanks, Jeanne. I, too, am very proud of my relationship I have with my dd. But you know what? I really think it's just as much a factor of her personality as it is my awesome parenting skills, lol! No, I haven't banned or limited any friendships based on what I know, but I'm not saying I never would. Especially with my son, who is 13, and a whole different animal than my dd! We do have very good conversations, though. In the conversation where this was revealed, we were talking about how if a kid's only reason for not doing something is their parents, as soon as they are out of their parent's control/sight, things start to happen.
Parenting definitely feels like a "make-it-up as you go" sometimes, but I knew I didn't want an atmosphere like I grew up in. I couldn't talk to my mom about anything...If I asked a question about sex, that meant I was having sex, LOL! My kids know that they start out with my trust, and I will trust them until they show me I can't.

By Pamt on Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - 08:40 pm:

Since my DH is a youth minister he is in this situation A LOT. His rule of thumb is that anything told to him is confidential and he won't tell parents or anyone else, UNLESS something is dangerous to self or others. In that instance he tells the teen that they have 3 options: (1) Tell their parents about X on their own and within 24 hours, (2) Tell their parents about X and DH will be present--to help soothe the parents and come up with a plan instead of the parents freaking out, or (3) DH will tell the parents. They usually pick option 2.

Does your DD have permission from her friend to be telling you this? That's when it gets sticky, but then it turns her into an informant of sorts.

By Happynerdmom on Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - 08:48 pm:

Pam, no, dd does not have her friend's permission to be telling me. I guess the issue is, is this something "dangerous?" I have never even been tempted to tell on anyone based on what dd has told me...this instance is different because it's my best friend's son, and we have been discussing and praying for him because he has definitely been giving her problems and she doesn't know what's going on. This might explain a lot! And, you're exactly right, and dd does NOT want to be an informant!! That's why I'm torn...I have absolutely no right to this information, yet, as a mother, and the mother's friend, I am so torn.

By Pamt on Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - 09:26 pm:

Okay, I posed your question to DH using one of our sons, that son's good friend who is the son of one our of good friends. Are you with me? LOL. Anyway, DH said he would tell the parents, but use more of along the lines of "I have heard that your son is smoking pot. You know how kids talk, but I thought you would want to know so you can investigate. I know I would want you to tell me if you heard that my DS was involved in something like that." That takes the monkey off of your DD's back and it is still the truth---you *heard* it.

No, smoking pot isn't the unpardonable sin, but it is illegal and it is often a gateway drug to harder stuff. Best to nip it in the bud now. Good luck!

By Tripletmom on Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - 09:45 pm:

I think you're best friend already suspects that he's doing things he shouldn't be doing.Why not suggest to you're fried to do some snooping.You can keep your DD's trust and help you're friend on the right track.I think you should have a talk with you're DD and tell her that if you think something is important, that you might not be able to keep it a secret next time.Its too frustrating knowing something and not being able to say anything.I'm sure you're DD will still talk openly to you.Maybe she needed to tell you knowing you would say something and let her feel less guilty if it did come out in the open.Sometimes its nice to let the parents take the blame when you feel stuck.I wish I could be more of help.I think the mother needs to know,either directly or indirectly.

By Conni on Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - 10:36 pm:

If your friend is already having trouble with her ds then I have an idea for you... Why dont you suggest that sometimes when teens behaviors and attitudes change it can be a sign they are doing drugs, drinking, etc... Why don't you suggest she have him take a home drug test?! My bil has drug/alcohol problems. Dh has had him take a test before when he thought he was lieing. argh And he was.

I don't know if your friend has the guts too do this. This way she could find out on her own if he is doing something illegal. And hopefully they can get the person selling the drugs to this kid off the street!

By Hol on Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - 11:51 pm:

I would NOT jeopardize the good thing that you have going with your own daughter. It's precious, and worth preserving. If you violate her trust, she may never confide in you again (especially if all heck breaks loose with this other kid). That could prevent her from coming to you with something really urgent.

As has already been said, the other Mom has to at least SUSPECT drug abuse with her son, if he has been giving her problems. If she hasn't, she should. I think "suggesting" to her that he might be using will still point back to your DD, so I wouldn't do it. The other Mom will find out soon enough.

Here's another question along the same lines, but probably for another thread...if you KNEW that your best friend's DH was cheating on her, would you tell her? I had that happen to me many, many years ago, with a woman that I was very good friends with in the military. Her DH was running around with a FEW women at the same time, all military spouses from the same base. Everyone seemed to know, but her. I felt so badly for her. I went to her and told her, when I was certain that it was the truth. She TURNED ON ME, and our friendship was never the same. Now that I'm much older, I realize that she probably knew all along and was in denial. By my telling her, it forced her to face it, and by facing it, do something about it. However, it cost me an enjoyable friendship, so I would never tell again.

By Janet on Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - 11:56 pm:

My dd is 16 and, like you, we have a very good relationship in which she feels free to tell me things (and does). But, I've told her from the get-go, that if she or any of her friends were ever in danger or in trouble, I would take steps to help them. Several of my friends (who have teens) have told me that if I ever found out anything about their kids--that they were doing something wrong or engaged in harmful activities--they want to know. I know I would! I would be beyond hurt and angry if I found out that one of my friends knew my dd was smoking pot and didn't tell me. It's good to want to have an open relationship with your dd, but seriously, there is a point where your moral obligations outweigh her desire to keep things secret. If this is one of your best friends, I would definitely go to her and tell her that you've become aware of a situation that her son is engaged in. You don't need to tell her that you heard it from your dd. Wouldn't you want to know if your dd was doing that?

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, July 26, 2006 - 06:41 am:

I am really torn on this one. I wish - oh, how I wish - someone had told me my son was doing pot. I eventually found out, but I can't help thinking it would have been better if I'd known sooner.

And, you don't want to lose your daughter's trust and have her not coming to you to talk about things that worry her.

I'm with those who say to try to find some way to get the information to your friend without even hinting at your source. I think maybe talking to her about drug use often being a cause of changes in behavior and unacceptable behavior, and has she thought about having her son tested for possible drug use. I think if you tell her you "heard", if she says to her son that she's been told by a friend who "heard", that the boy would think of your daughter, as she is supposedly the only one who knows. I doubt she is the only one who knows, but she may be the only one who is a possible line to the boy's mother.

What an awful situation to be faced with, and what a difficult choice to have to make. Hugs, Michele.

By Crystal915 on Wednesday, July 26, 2006 - 07:34 am:

You've already gotten great advice. I think it's wonderful that you are so close with her, and I would sit down with her and dicuss WHY you have to break her trust here. This is actually a good lesson, because as big as she is on confidentiality, she needs to know that if someone tells her something that is harmful/illegal (like they've been abused, for example), and she swore not to tell, she should break that promise to do the right thing.

By Vicki on Wednesday, July 26, 2006 - 08:37 am:

I am also more on the side of keeping your daughters trust. I agree that your friend already at least suspects that the son is involved in something. I think I would lean more towards talking to her about possible drug use as being a factor in his changes. I would suggest a at home kit and not mention that your dd told her he was smoking pot or that you "heard" it. It wouldn't take a whole lot to figure out that your dd is the one that told you "if" in fact she is the only one that knows AND the fact that you and the mom are friends. If the mom already notices a change in her sons behavior, she might already suspect drug use and be in denial and not believe you anyway!! You will ruin your friendship with her as well as the trust your dd has in you.

By Tonya on Wednesday, July 26, 2006 - 08:55 am:

I agree with some above and say just talk to you friend the next time you are both together discussing this son and tell her that maybe she might want to do an at home drug test. That maybe he is talking something that is changing his mood. And I would sit down with DD and tell her what emotional stress this has caused you because you care so much for friend and her son. Tell her that when discussing things she has to know that if ever you hear anything from her that could cause problems for someone else you as a parent have to tell the other parent.

Good luck.

By Dandjmom on Wednesday, July 26, 2006 - 09:14 am:

I feel for the position that your in. First let me say that I respect and commend the relationship that you have with your daughter and would not want you to loose that.

Next I think that Hol has a very good idea about you suggesting to the mother that she may want to look in that direction of drug use. You dont' think that she would get upset at for for suggesting somthiing like this do you?

The only other thing that I can think of is, that your and the mom are best friends right? So is it safe to assume that you have a close relationship with the son?

If so then why don't you talk to the son your self, still not letting him know that you know what is truly going on , but more along of the lines of X your mom is really worried about you , she been really upset that there is something wrong. If there is anything that is going on or that he needs to talk about that can fix /correct the sititution, he can feel free to talk to you if he feels that he can't talk to his mom right now.

By Happynerdmom on Wednesday, July 26, 2006 - 10:16 am:

Thank you all so much for your input. I can't tell you how much I appreciate being able to come here and hear different opinions!

I think I have decided to wait until the subject of her son comes up again naturally, which it eventually will, and bring up the idea of drugs then. (as in, "Have you thought about the possibility that he has been using drugs?") If she asks if I know something, I'll say that I have heard rumors. She would not be upset with me for suggesting it. They are on vacation this week, so it may be a little while before we can talk. I'm really praying that she finds out for herself before I even bring it up!

Thanks again for everyone's help.

By Janet on Wednesday, July 26, 2006 - 10:30 am:

After reading the comments again, I also think it would be better to bring up the subject of drugs as a "did you ever consider...?" rather than "I heard." Much better approach! Good luck and I hope this works out for everyone...