Teen advice please from someone whose btdt and can laugh now
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive August 2006:
Teen advice please from someone whose btdt and can laugh now
How do you get through the teen years and stay sane?
Colette, I have a 15 year old dd and a soon to be 13 year old dd; I would rather find the answer to this than find the Holy Grail!!!!!!
I remember reading a bumper sticker years back..."hire a teenager...they know everything"!
I have a 15 yr old dd. and a 13 yr old ds. So you can imagine why I am posting...
by the time my 9yr old hits it, I'll be a pro.
Pick your battles. Decide what your priorities are. You can't fight everything, so what is of absolute importance, where can you find compromise, and what is not important enough to battle over? (And. of course, you and your spouse should agree on which activities fall into which categories so that you present a strongly united front - that is essential! If you and spouse are going to disagree, be sure your kids can't hear you while you and spouse are working it out.)
Don't argue when you're angry, or when your teen is angry. I learned that from my middle son when he was about 15 and we were arguing about - it seemed - everything. I remember that we had an argument while I was ironing (those days are long gone) - he slammed up to his room and slammed his door and I cried over the ironing board. Then I realized I'd already had that argument, when I was the teen. Greg and I talked about it later when we were both not angry, and agreed that we would not discuss any major disagreement if either of us was angry - we'd take a time out. It worked pretty well.
Be sure you are arguing about/discussing the same thing/issue. If the argument is not making sense - maybe your child is really talking about A and you think the discussion is about B, or W. Stop and say - just what is it we're discussing here, because I think we're discussing A. What do you think we're discussing?
And one topic per discussion/argument - don't do a kitchen sink kind of argument, where you start with poor grades and add on a messy room and terrible friends and you didn't mow the lawn and you should get your hair cut and you'd have more friends if you'd .... Another rule for discussions/arguments - don't say "you always" or "you never". And try to keep it to "when you do X I feel Y", rather than you make me feel Y. It's the actions that make you feel sad/angry/unhappy, not your child.
Think about why you are saying NO or why you are saying whatever it is. We had some major battles because he wanted to walk a mile and a half to high school in the snow in his sneakers, and I wanted him to wear his boots. "But Mom, none of the other boys wear boots." "But your feet will get wet and cold and you'll get sick" "Mom, if I get sick then I'll wear boots the next time you tell me to - and anyhow, the (some fairly authoritative article) says people don't catch cold because they get cold feet in winter". Upshot - I stopped nagging about the boots, he didn't catch cold, and it was one less thing to argue about.
When it's not a life-threatening or major life-harming matter, let them suffer the consequences. Greg didn't like chemistry or his chemistry teacher, so he didn't do his homework the first marking period. And he got a D - and got upset about the D. He still complained about the teacher but he started doing his homework and asking his older brother (a Chem wiz) for help. After the next marking period it was clear that he was working and the teacher was lousy. So I went to school with him to try to sort it out, and he had the marked homework pages to document that he had indeed done the homework the teacher's book said he hadn't. And we got him transferred to a different Chem class. He learned that if you don't do the work no one will listen when you complain about a poor teacher, but if you do what you're supposed to do you have a good argument when things still don't go well.
Compromise where you can. As a single parent, I couldn't fight all the battles. Hair - keep it clean and keep it off your face, and you can have it as long as you want it to be. Your room - close the door, keep a clear path to the door in case of fire, no food or dishes, and if your dirty clothes don't make it into the hamper they don't get washed. Clothes with patches and rips - OK, you can wear them to school because it is clear everybody does, but not when you're with me or going to places where people know you are connected with me. Cutting classes is a no-no, but if you get good grades I will write a note once per marking period so you can have a day off.
But, I got called into school because he got caught smoking and was suspended for a day, and he was grounded for the next 4 weeks. A special church youth group event came up during that 4 week period so we negotiated - you clean all the windows inside and out, and you can go to this event, but for everything else you're grounded for the rest of the 4 weeks. (We lived in a row house so it was only 12 or 14 windows, but they never shone so nicely as when he was trying to get off grounding for that special event.)
Give reasons for your rules. First, if you have a good reason and can explain, your child is more likely to accept it. Second, if you give your reasons, your child will know that even if you didn't explicitly forbid action A.1.6.5, it falls into the general category of A.1, which you have explained, and s/he will not be able to weasel out of the consequences.
Insist on the truth - the whole truth, not just a yes/no answer to the specific question. But, don't set your child up to lie. Don't ask a question when you already know the answer, because your child may lie and then you have to give two punishments. For example: The dishes didn't get washed. Don't ask, did you wash the dishes? Say, I see you didn't wash the dishes - I don't care why, but you are going to wash them now and in addition you will do (X chore). (And model truth-telling - whole truth-telling, in all things.) (In fact, in general, model the behavior you are demanding from your child.)
Don't make threats/promises you aren't likely to keep. Whether it's punishments or treats, be careful not to make too many promises/threats, and make them ones you are really going to follow through with.
If you find out you were wrong - tell your child "I was wrong and I apologize." You are modeling two things - everyone makes mistakes, and when you make a mistake you 'fess up and apologize. And you are building trust in your child - trust that you will admit to a mistake and will apologize.
Try to have your house the hangouot house. You will be better able to meet and evaulate your child's friends. But, don't use that as an opportunity to criticize or forbid certain friends - if they are hanging out at your house they aren't getting into trouble, and a friend who is likely to be trouble will dig his/her own hole and fall into it without your help if they are hanging around your house. The less your child has to defend a not-good friend, the less likely s/he is to get locked into defending that friend even when the friend does inexcusable things.
And, of course, sometimes you just lay down the law. No, you can't do that because I won't allow it. I won't allow it because I believe it is dangerous/potentially harmful to you or someone else/violates my/our family values, is a really stupid thing to do because .... And that's it. No argument, no further discussion, just plain NO.
Finally, remember - this too shall pass. I was a teen, argued with my mother at least weekly from age 13 to 18 (and at least one of us was in tears of anger at least once a week) - and we both survived. I raised 3 teen sons (and one was a real handful of a teenager) and we all survived, and are friends.
I'm hoping the same thing, Colette, with my other two kids....a soon to be 11 year old dd who loves high heels but can be a tomboy and a 9 year old ds who is not interested in sports; but loves Bratz. 
Ditto Ginny, in everything she said, plus:
Talk, talk, talk to your kids - keep those lines of communication open - and remember to Listen, listen, listen!
And above all - TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS!!
One more thing. Don't be afraid to change your mind. Not often, and not easily. But sometimes after you've slept on something or talked it over with spouse or a good friend, you find you feel differently about something. So tell your child - I've thought it over and while I said A, now I really feel B. ... Especially if your change of mind means you will allow your child to do something (maybe with conditions) that you had first said NO to. Again, not often, and not easily - but be open to the possibility that you might change your mind, and let your child see that you do have some flexibility. However, not if the child keeps nagging and not giving you time to think about it (not that I allowed the nagging - that was a "go to your room" kind of thing).
VERY well said, Ginny, as usual The only thing I can think of to add, at the moment, esp. as it pertains to 15 year old DDs, one of which I also have: require honesty, but don't "freak out" if, in their honesty, you hear things you don't agree with or can't handle. Overreacting causes them to dread talking about things that they know will cause you to "lose it" and also makes it less likely that they will come to you... and more likely they will lie or avoid the issue altogether. My dd and I talk about things my mom never would have been able to handle, and I wish that it had been different. (one example is when a teen tells you a certain friend is sexually active, etc. -- you talk about the issues, let them know what to say to friend/how to be a friend/how to help the friend/how to encourage the friend to talk to a parent or other responsible adult, but don't blow your stack and proclaim you are going to call the child's mother right now and let her know what is going on, etc. because 1)you will never hear any more info. about any more friends 2)DD will not feel comfortable talking to you about her own sexuality if you freak out about her friends'...The only exception to this rule is if a friend's life is in danger - then you call the guidance counselor, and let them contact the parents (it's their job)
I saved this comic for future reference, even tho my son is only 9 going on 10, I am finding it helpful.
EXCELLENT point, Wendy!!! I have sooooo BTDT!!!
LOL, Lisa!
LOL, Lisa Ginny, Wendy and Karen, all great advice.
My DS is 20 now and I can honestly say he was excellent as a teen.
My biggest thing with him was always keep the lines of communications open. We could talk about anything together. Sometimes we both didn't agree.
My DS will be 12 and my DD will be 6 so we will see if they are as easy as Tom was as a teen. Probably not
Ginny, can you move in with me??? We have the room! Colorado is a beautiful state and you'd love it here! You can even bring your beautiful grand daughter with you. Robin's going to be a teenager this October and Randy will be 11 next month. I'm SO not looking forward to the teen years.
I have a 14 yo and a 12.5 yo (will be 13 in Nov)... Oh and did I mention I have a 6 yo that knows EVERYTHING?? aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
God help us all.
Thanks. Sometimes you just need to hear that it will all eventually stop and they will be normal again.
Colette, you may or may not remember that Jen and I had several *very* difficult years when she was a teenager. It really broke my heart, and our relationship was, to say the least, not a good, close one for a while. It's amazing what some maturity does for them. Now we are the best of friends and closer than we ever were. She has matured into a very caring, compassionate and considerate young lady. So yes, there *is* life - GOOD life - after teenagers!
Another thing to do - eat meals together as often as possible, preferably dinner, with the whole family sitting down together. What you eat isn't anywhere near as important as what you talk about - use that time to talk, about what you did today, something in the paper, what happened at school, a new movie coming out - whatever. It is amazing how many times the conversation will segue into something that is important and is an opportunity not to talk about what you believe, but rather, model the values you want your children to have by how you talk about someone/something.
I'll tell you - when my boys were pre-teen and teens, we were broke. I worked full time including 2 or 3 evening meetings a week. I never was much of a homemaker/housekeeper - the house is always clean and "relatively" neat, but I can go several days not seeing the dust. But we ate meals together at least 5 evenings a week, and they do remember that - very positively. The dinner table is where we talked about politics and neighbors, school and dating/relationship issues, what was fair or unfair about something that happened or that we read or heard about.
As Wendy so wisely said, don't use that time to criticize, but rather to explore and discuss. And yes, do keep your children's confidences. My rule was like Wendy's - unless it is dangerous or illegal, I wouldn't call another parent or an authority.
Take every chance you can to listen to and talk to your children, and the dinner table is one of the best times and places.
Yes, their pre-teen and teen years were often tumultuous, frustrating, exasperating. I was often angry, unhappy, or even in tears. But there were lots of good times, happy times, times when we worked at working things out, and overall, it wasn't too bad. And, thank heaven, eventually it ended (and not a minute too soon for me). I can write calmly about it now because it is behind me - I don't envy parents of teens today one little bit because I think you have a lot more things to worry about and protect against than I ever did.
Argh, when this thread started, I wasn't having any big problems with the kids, so I didn't post anything. The thread only started a week ago. Since then, Emily has been totally flipping out, with the slightest little criticism. Tears, stamping her feet, the whole ball of wax. Sheesh.
Anyway, today at lunch, I asked her if she is nervous about starting school at a new building, since she will be a freshman this year. She said yes. So, maybe that is what is behind the volatile emotions! Yikes. I fell like we need to handle her with kid gloves.
When my kids were in elementary school, usually they would start to fall apart a bit more, in August, in anticipation of the new school year. The night-time visits would increase for a while and people would be a little touchy and once they found out school was really no big deal, they would settle down. Sarah and Emily both took their turns with this in early grade school.
So, if it's school, then it probably has an ending point, once school starts, but school doesn't start until Sept. 5th.
I have, and am still, surviving it. We liked the teen years so much that we were "home free" for eight years. No more kids at home, and then we went and adopted two teenagers!!! LOL! They were 13 and 14 at the time. That was four years ago.
We raised two birth kids, four years apart. A DD, the oldest, and a DS. By far, my only female child was the most challenging. Nothing awful. She never broke the law or got arrested. She got good grades, went on to college, married (unsuccessfully the first time), remarried, and is now a nurse and a Mom. But to get from point A to point B was *interesting*. It was the moods, the hormones, the mouth. My oldest DS and my two younger ones were and are much easier. That's why, when we decided to adopt, I didn't even consider a girl.
Hang in there. It isn't forever. When they move out, you really miss them. And...the best part is watching THEM have kids, and the cycle starting over again.
Hang in there. It isn't forever. When they move out, you really miss them. And...the best part is watching THEM have kids, and the cycle starting over again.
Ditto that - in spades!!!!!!
Colette gave great advice......... I have raised a daughter and son, still working on another son, he is 16........The only thing I can tell you about a daughter is, put her in the freezer till she is 25, then,thaw her out.Then she's great. The years between 8-28 are terrible. Good luck
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