Need advice desperately.....kinda long
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Need advice desperately.....kinda long
My boyfriend has been seperated for quite some time now and recently him and his ex have switched their "schedule" to one week on and one week off. It used to be that it was every second weekend and some week nights. We always coordinated our access. Now it means that some weekends that I'm there sans my children that his son is there.
The problem really started this morning and hasn't occured before this. His son was sick last night and went to bed very early, he woke at 5:30 and his dad stayed up with him until about 7:30 or so when I woke up and then he went back to get some sleep. We'd stayed up late watching movies and he was very tired. I'm always up early no matter what time I go to sleep.
I'd said something in regards to him sleeping when his son was up again and he said "I took the 5:30 shift, it's your turn" or something similar to that. At first it was no problem, but he stayed in bed over two hours longer and his son followed me around non stop, chattering, wanting to play etc. I know the boy likes me and I love him to pieces, however having more than one child I am NOT used to it being quite that intense attention wise. Later he got a call from his old landlord wanting him to return the keys, he just moved, and took off and left his son with me without saying "Is it ok?" again his son was tailing me around.
I guess I wanted to relax more and not be responsible nor do I feel that I'm ready to be a step parent to his son in that way yet. I feel so selfish saying that, I know they're a package deal I just haven't adjusted yet and while we have spent time with him before it hasn't ever been this in depth before. It used to be that I'd just see him when I had my children and now that they've changed how their visitation is working it's not like that. I'm not jealous of the boy, I just need time and my boyfriend wants me there whether he has his son or not.
I got the chance today to "run" my ex told me that he was bringing my children home early today so I had to leave right away and I decided to take the bus, my boyfriend tried to talk me into staying and eating with them and then they'd drive me home. I insisted on leaving and told him I'd just leave my stuff there and he could bring it whenever he had the chance and he said he'd come see me later. I know he was unhappy about it and probably didn't understand why I did that because I'm never that way and love having the ride home (it takes over an hour from his house by bus and is 3 different buses). I didn't know what to say, I just had to get out of there.
I don't know what to do with what I'm feeling, if I should talk to him and how to say it if I do say something or if I should sit back and just give it some time and see if I adjust....Help!
I think you need to talk to him right away. It's not fair to you or his son to start casting you as a parent stand-in without consulting either of you. If you sit back it will happen again.
I would say, first, that if you value this relationship, and I think you do, then you need to try to get some time to think about it before getting into any discussion. Can you say - I just was not comfortable about some of the things that happened this weekend, and I'm not sure why I was uncomfortable. I need some time to sort it out in my own mind and feelings before I can talk about it.
What isn't clear to me is whether your bf has been acting like a stepdad to your kids. Are you only with him when your kids are with their dad, or are the kids part of your "package" for some of the time when you are with your bf?
And remember, it's only a few months since you rejoined the workforce, and became a wohm. That has made a big difference in how you allocate your time and in your priorities, and also means you have less "free" time. Could that be a factor in what you're feeling?
What is clear is that, given this new visitation schedule, you are going to have to sort out how you feel about it and have some discussion with your bf about it. But I do think you need time to work it out for yourself before you try to work it out with him.
It's really none of my business, but it surprised me that you said your bf has been separated for some time, rather than divorced.
I want to say that I am not deliberately disagreeing with Dawn. I started my post and spent some time editing and re-editing, only to find when I clicked the final button that Dawn had already posted. I do have a different opinion, but I didn't know that when I started my post.
I would only expect such things if my significant other were doing the same. Would he get up for your children? Maybe you're feeling like a babysitter, rather than a girlfriend and the whole respect thing...he just should have asked if it was ok with you. Unless, he does that for your kids.
It's so hard because you don't want to sound selfish, but maybe if you approach him with "I know you didn't mean to do this, but in the future it would mean a lot to me if we discussed such and such before you leave."
Does he trail his dad like that? Maybe HE needed the break. Poor kid's schedule got thrown off too. Why the schedule change? How old is this kid?
Ginny they weren't ever legally married. I'm making dinner right now and don't have the time to type more, I will soon though.
I guess that detail doesn't even matter that they weren't, I should have said divorced...anyway.
First Ginny, you're right. I do really value this relationship. He's my best friend and I'm very happy in it. Second, I agree with you Ginny that I need to spend some time thinking about it and figure it out for me before I talk to him. He does spend time with my children when they're with me, but not to the point that he's looking after them while I run off somewhere. He once picked my son up from school in the case of an emergency when they couldn't get a hold of me and I have him listed as a contact. For those of you who know my situation with my ex husband that may or may not make sense. I have run to the store a few times after they've been asleep.I always ask first or I'll just ask him to go for me. They've not been part of the package with him at his place before as his roommate was a nightmare (in my opinion) and I didn't go over there, hence him moving recently. He does want them to be spending time there now that the move has happened. Ginny I think you may have come up with a big part of the reason. I have so much less time for everything, my life, him included. Honestly, I'm finding it pretty hard and I just...I don't know. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by it all at the moment. I haven't found my groove.
Now that he's not living with a roommate he wants to have his son with him on a more regular basis, not just every couple of weekends which is the reason for the change, also now that his son is getting older he wants to be at dad's "more" often and often comes over even when it's not his dad's week. I think his son is probably going to ask to live with his dad and just visit his mom sometimes. He's turning 9 this year. I don't think he trails his dad like that. Not that I've noticed. His relationship with his mom isn't that strong and I play with him a lot and don't show any impatience and I never would. Maybe he craves that kind of close relationship with a woman? He's a great kid. I guess maybe I was just overwhelmed, things have been so busy lately.
My boyfriend was over here just a bit ago to drop my stuff off and he knows something is bugging me and wanted to know. I didn't want to discuss it and asked him to just respect my wishes and that if I got to the point where I was ready to discuss it I would and he respected that and for that I'm glad. I still don't know what if anything I'm going to say. *shrug* Anyway I've fed the little ones and should get some for myself. Thank you so much for listening.
Catherin, it sounds to me like this guy is a keeper, and I want to underscore that you give yourself some time to think deep about this. You are right - his son is part of the package. And having an ex who spent, I think, maybe 10 days with his sons from the time we separated in 1976 until they got to be adults (the late 80s), I have to admire that. And I think you do too, in the abstract. It's when this man does the admirable thing and it intrudes on "your" time that it becomes a hurdle.
I have often said that one of the hardest things in a relationship is that the two people who come to it have different "givens". By "givens", I mean that you have something that you take for granted as the "right" way to do things, and the person you are building a relationship with has a different "right" way to do things. For example, in my family, it is a "given" that if you care about someone you don't give them a gift certificat (or, nowadays, gift card), because that is impersonal and means you don't want to bother with shopping for them. In my dear dil's family, it's OK and often better to give a gift card to a store the person likes because then they get to pick exactly what they want. So when I ask the family for Christmas wish lists, my sons give me fairly detailed and lengthy lists of things they would like, but my dil (and, in the past few years, the son who is married to her) produce a list of one or two things and a list of stores where they'd like gift cards. My compromise is to give them gift cards and also a small personal gift that reflects their likes/personalities and mine. I know they aren't going to change (both my son and his wife are not the most flexible personalities in our family), and I am more flexible. I still don't really like it, but it is simply not worth a debate or even a discussion to me - and everyone is reasonably happy.
In your situation you have not only the two adults, but also your two children and his son. One of your givens is that you have a life-long relationship with your children (their lives, not yours) and have worked out how you relate to each other, and it doesn't include you being the sole/primary source of companionship, interaction and entertainment. Your bf's son has a different way of relating to you - maybe partly because his relationship with his mom isn't that strong, and he is trying to make you into the mom he wants. And maybe he isn't self-sufficient enough or hasn't been encourged to find ways to occupy/entertain himself. And, he is only 9. But, bottom line is that you have a style of relating to your children and this little boy has a different style. I don't know how you reconcile them, but I think it can be worked out. (Or, could it be that because he was awake and his father was asleep, he thought it was his responsibility to keep you entertained and thought he was being polite and thoughtful by talking to you all the time, rather than going off and doing something by himself. I just had this thought.)
And, now that you are a wohm, you are tied up from 9-5, and have to do a lot of things in the evenings and on weekends that you used to be able to do when your children were at school, and generally have a lot less free time. Added to that is that you are a single mom, and most of the time the person your children turn to for everything. So I understand that when your children are with their father and you have the opportunity to be with bf, you want it to be time *alone* with bf.
But, from what you say, that's not going to happen, or if it is, it's only going to happen every other weekend. Can you re-arrange schedules with your ex, or can your bf re-arrange schedules with his ex, so that you can have at least one solo weekend a month? Would that help?
As for the 7:30 to whenever bf woke up shift, I would be equally annoyed. If he had said - I'm really beat and you're awake, can you take care of son for a couple of hours while I get a bit more sleep, that would be one thing. But just to say, in essence, that it's your shift is a bit much. You are not yet the boy's stepmother, and from what you say you are very careful about not putting responsibility for your children on your bf. But that may be another set of givens - in his world, whoever is around takes charge of a child without any thought that it would be otherwise, and in your world you are responsible for your children and think it would be an imposition to expect someone else to have responsibility for them except in an emergency. I can understand both perspectives - I think it is a case of "givens".
Ditto Ginny. I couldn't have said it any better. The only thing I might add is that you still may be a little steamed about the whole "it's your turn" thing. I'd be bothered by that too. I do think maybe a personal boundary was crossed there. Also when he assumed that you would babysit without asking, you probably felt a little taken advantage of. First of all, I think guys just think differently. His son may interract with you differently than he does his dad. With his dad, he may just watch TV or entertain himself; maybe your BF thought that he would be that way with you too and that it wouldn't be a problem. After all, he is 9 and can make his own sandwich, and etc... Your BF may have no clue that his ds did that to you. Also, his ds may have felt odd being there without your children being there and just didn't know what to do. In the future, you may want to let him know that you want him to feel like your house is his house too and give him some options of things to do. You could say, "You know what hun?, I need a little time to myself to wind down, how about watching a movie or playing a video game or etc..." It may be a relief for him to know that he shouldn't feel uncomfortable in your home. As for what to say to your BF, I really don't know when or if or what to say to him. Give yourself time to think. (((((hugs)))))
You made a very good point, Sandy. You're right, maybe the boy needed permission to do something on his own, and didn't know that he could (or that you'd like him to, since you were sort of walking on eggs that morning too).
"...nor do I feel that I'm ready to be a step parent to his son..."
Please don't take this as cold hearted, but you already are a step-parent simply because you are living with him as though you were married. The only difference is it isn't official. For all practical purposes, when you agreed to have your bf move in with you, you inherited his kid, too. (Yes- even though this new arrangement wasn't part of the original deal.) Same as he inherited yours by moving in, so you are all one big happy family now!
You simply have no choice but to figure out how to get along and coordinate your schedules. I am positive that you do want your bf to have a quality relationship with his son. After all, what kind of guy would he be if he didn't care about his son, right?
Now, I know that I am not in the position that you are in, nor have I ever been, but I can honestly say that if I were, my top priority would be the kids and what is best for them. So it is up to you to make this arrangement work. If that means sacrificing alone time with bf, or alone time by yourself, then so be it. You have to do whatever it takes to make this work for the kids, assuming that this guy is Grade A Man material.
Maybe he would have been more considerate of you to check with you first before he left, but I am sure that this is all quite a big change for him, too, and as you mentioned, you guys both need to find your "groove" ie- get used to the new arrangements and find a way to make everything go smoothly.
Lisa, I think maybe you misunderstood. I don't have the impression that Catherin's bf moved in with her, just that he moved into a different apartment. Catherin says, in her second post, that her bf came by to drop off her things, and refers in her first post to the long, 3-bus ride from his apartment to hers.
I do agree with you that in any relationship where kids are part of the package, the kids have to come first, and if Catherin hopes to have a permanent relationship with her bf, she will have to work out her relationship with his son. I don't think she is in the stepmom category yet. But when two people sleep together with a kid in the same apartment, that gets pretty close.
You're right he didn't move in with me.
I know I'm close to the stepmom category. I think I just need to adjust and get used to it and of course talk to him about how I'm feeling. His son is very different from my children, I can only assume it's because he's an only child and probably even different parenting styles.
I know that I am going to have to sacrifice alone time with my bf and that's not to me really the issue. We get time after the little one is sleeping and the times when he's with his mom, and I know that after things settle down from his move it will be better too.
I guess what I'm missing is my time to unwind. I'm not the kind of person who needs constant attention and my way of unwinding is to spend some time alone, just reading and relaxing. With my children visiting their dad I get that without sacrificing anything for me or someone else.I can still have that, it's not like I have to be at his house quite as much as I have been (helping him move and settle in). I just need to have some balance I imagine between time at his house and time at mine, to do the things in my life I need to do.
I also need to get used to a more one on one relationship with his son and be patient and give us both time. We've to this point generally only spent time with our children as a group, not on such an individual basis.
I do admire him Ginny, more than I could ever tell him. I never thought maybe his son thought I needed to be entertained, possibly he did. The more time I spend thinking about this the more I think it's about me having time alone with me! LOL
Time to just relax, breathe and be me. I don't want that to sound harsh or selfish, it's not meant that way at all. I'm the kind of person who rejuvenates by spending time completely alone, just reading or walking yard sales etc. I don't have to do it often, normally an hour or two in the evenings after my children are asleep is sufficient. As many changes as I'm going through in regards to my bf, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Throw in a new job (which I haven't adjusted to yet) a house I've accepted as messier, but don't like that way etc. and I'm going a bit crazy *loopy eyes*
I've got to find my "groove" with work, with home, with my boyfriend's son and once again with my boyfriend in this new dynamic. I think it's just been a lot for me to adjust to in the last few months.
I think maybe you've put your finger on it, Catherine - it's been a lot for you to adjust to in the last few months. That makes sense, and it sounds reasonable. And I think, from everything you say about it, your bf will understand it if you put it in those terms.
I know when I was a single parent of young children (ages 7 to 13), my rule was that when I came home from work, I would deal with any crisis or emergency, and then I needed some time to unwind before being "mom". And because I insisted on bedtimes that my sons said were entirely too early because "none of the other kids" ... I had that alone time.
I think you have a lot on your plate right now - mother, employee, girlfriend, sort of step-mom - and from what you say, what you are looking for is some time to be just Catherin, without all the add ons. I sure hope your bf will understand and help you find that space and time. My guess is that if you present it as reasonably and rationally as you did above, he will. And I do think that taking some time to think about it and sort it out for yourself - what you are feeling and what you want, and what you think may be a reasonable compromise to propose - and talking it out here and with people other than your bf, will help you to come to a way to discuss it with your bf without either of you getting upset or being hurt.
And, Catherin, if you admire him that much - do tell him. It may embarass him a bit, but when he is by himself it will make him feel good. (You might also find a gentle way to tell him that while you generally don't mind being asked to take solo responsibility for his son sometimes, you'd prefer to be asked rather than have it taken as a "given", because you always ask him rather than assume.)
Catherin, when I first read your post, I wondered if you were like me, in that I am an introvert. The very things that were causing you concern would have troubled me, too. Unlike extroverts who seem to get energized by being around a lot of people and activity for long periods of time, I simply get exhausted! It's just as you describe, I need alone time to "energize". If I don't get it, I am not at my best. I think you simply need that time alone to feel your best, at peace, and in turn you will be the best for your loved ones. I completely understand. You strike me as a very caring person who is considerate and caring of those in your life. And insightful! You really got down to the issue of what was causing you to feel uncomfortable.
And, as a side note, my husband and I "ask" each other for help with our little one if one of us is depleted. I mean, if I needed my dh to get up with Lara and let me return to bed for awhile, I would ask. And we have been married a long time. He would do the same for me. So I guess your bf wording that morning would have felt strange to me, too.
Hugs to you. You do have a lot of changes to deal with, but it will all work out. I hope you'll find that spot where you can unwind and get your alone time. It's very important, I know.:-)
Oh- sorry. I guess I missed that. (running and hiding in total embarassment...) I must have gotten confused b/c she said he was up all night with his son and then she got up and he went back to bed...
I have no advice, just (((hugs)))!!!
Nicki I am quite introverted, however my life makes me be a bit extroverted, therefore everyone thinks I'm an extrovert. I've had so much time lately around people and no time to recharge and it's driving me batty!
I actually told my boyfriend today that I'm not going to go and spend the whole weekend at his house this weekend. My children go to their dad Friday morning and he wanted me to come out Friday night and stay til Sunday morning. I told him I'd rather come out Saturday night and leave early Sunday morning.He pushed a little for an explanation because he knows something is up with me and he's concerned. He's agreed to talk about it later when I'm ready.
As for that morning and what he said I don't think he meant it to sound the way he did. We are very close and I'm great with his son and I imagine he meant it more as an "I trust you to take care of him" which I did.
It's ok Cocoa, I was rambling and thought my thoughts weren't very organized.
Thank you all for the support! It was much needed. 
Catherin, your bf sounds like a really great guy. I think it's so good he's giving you space and not pushing you to tell him what's on your mind. And I'm so glad you are going to get some "me" time this weekend! One thing I notice, is that it's hard for some to understand that need for total alone time. My mil tends to think I am avoiding her if I don't come over each time my dh brings Lara to visit. She is an extrovert to the extreme, so even though I explain it's sometimes my only time to be on my own, it's hard for her to understand. Bless her heart, the more noise, activity and people the better for her, and she told me she avoids being alone if possible. So not me!
Take care, and hope you're feeling better.
Can I be so naive to ask why you guys are having regular "sleepovers" (for lack of a better word) when you both have children and are not married? I just honestly don't get that. I honestly believe that sex should occur only in the confines of marriage and I fully understand that I am in the minority with that viewpoint. My bias aside, let's just go with the fact that you guys are consenting adults and can have a sexual relationship if you so desire. Even so, I can't understand why you wouldn't confine that part to when you don't have the kids around.
By sleeping together and sleeping over at one another's apartments, you have, whether you want to or not, assumed the role of step-parent in the eyes of all of the children involved. Ditto for your BF. After all, what is the difference in the relationship between you and your BF and your BF and his son's mother? Maybe a few extra hours of weekly cohabitation in their case since they never married?? So your BF and his DS logically see you in that mothering role.
I would strongly suggest that you guys set up some parenting boundaries, but also relationship boundaries. You and your BF both have had a serious relationship that involved the creation of children that failed. You have posted before about some fairly significant problems with your BF. To involve your children and his in an uncommitted relationship between the two of you that is not based on a covenant and that unfortunately has odds against it is really not fair to any of the kids. Things could crumble tomorrow, but all of the kids have formed attachments to the other parent and it has the potential for some real hurt. While I don't think your BF was "right" in telling you it was "your shift" I can certainly see where he thought he was justified since you guys are living, for the most part, as he and his son's mother were. I just really don't think it's a good idea to be playing house and sending lots of mixed messages when kids are involved.
I realize that you probably won't like what I had to say and I did sit on it for 24 hours before saying it...but you did ask for advice and that's mine, FWIW. Hope you guys can come to an agreement in everyone's best interests.
To refresh my memory, Pam, I searched Catherin's posts, and find nothing indicating that she had or has any problems with her bf in the 2+ years they have been seeing eah other. She did have problems with her ex. Are you confusing the two? Everything Catherin has said about her bf has been positive.
It's not my place to comment on your remarks about how Catherin runs her life.
Thank you so much Nicki! I am feeling much better today and tomorrow's Friday and I'm so looking forward to the weekend!
Pam, I don't recall every commenting on problems with my boyfriend who I've been with for as Ginny says 2+ years (I also went through my old posts). He's not perfect (but no one is), but is wonderful and is my best friend. I did have problems with my ex husband who was physically and mentally abusive. That may be what you're recalling. We have been divorced now for almost four years.
I'm not angry with what you said about my relationship, and I imagine more people feel that sex outside of marriage is wrong and that's a fine choice for them to make. As for me I don't believe that if you're in a long term committed relationship that there is anything wrong with it. Also, I don't intend to legally get married again and neither does he. We discussed that when we first started dating. I will be quite surprised if we do and if we do it will be in a long time from now, I imagine. I'm not even remotely close to where I want that again not with anyone.
I find it interesting that you think my relationship has "odds" against it and is not a committed relationship.
I don't believe that me spending time with him and his children at their house even if I do stay the night puts me in the position of step mother. If I tell you that each time I'm there I sleep on the couch or in one of the spare beds whenever the kids are present and not in his bed at all would that make you feel differently? I'm not going to argue this point with you because really either way that wasn't the point of the topic and I don't think it's your place to make judgements that go that far based on what I wrote.
Do I think speaking about setting boundaries in regards to the "parenting" of his son is valid. I definitely do and that was the point of my post. How to put that into effect and how to address that with him. We do have relationship boundaries already in place and they have been since we started dating. My children's attachment to him before we started dating and his to mine was already there. He was my friend for a long time before we started dating, hence all the kids combined activity's that have taken.
I'm really not sure what else I can say. I'm tired and feel I've exhausted all the explanations. I will say however that I think even if I chose to "play" house with my children and his and him now or later or never that is really my choice.
I find it interesting that you think my relationship has "odds" against it and is not a committed relationship.
Actually this is a statistical fact. A second marriage has higher odds of ending in divorce than a second marriage. And living together also increases the odds that the relationship will end in divorce.
I haven't posted on your thread because quite honestly I see both sides. I see that you are tired and need your space, but quite honestly can't understand your relationship. It isn't my place to understand it, I know..LOL. But it has made for interesting reading.
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