Another vent about my son's friend
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Another vent about my son's friend
So, some of you may remember me venting about the neighborhood kids. Well, my son is still playing with the older kid. So far, things have gone fairly well. He spent one night here (last night) and he rode his bike here yesterday with his clothes in his backpack. His mom works, so he was supposed to be back home when she got home today (6:30) but he waited until she called (at about 6:50) to ask him "Where are you? Why aren't you home when I told you do be?" and he started whining to her asking her to come pick him up.
So I asked him, "So are you going home?"
He said, "No, my mom's coming to pick me up."
I said, "So, tell me, why is it that you can ride your bike here, but you can't ride it home?"
He said, "Wl, cuz I'm tired..."
I said, "OOOHHHH! You're TIRED! Oh my, what a shame. YOU'RE MOM HAS BEEN WORKING ALL DAY- DON'T YOU THINK SHE'S TIRED TOO!!!"
He said, "yeah"
I said, "But you don't care that she's tired, all you care about is that YOU'RE tired. I think you ought to call her back and tell her you will ride your bike home."
He looked at me with a look that seemed to say "What're you talking about?" when another neighborhood kid came to the door and he took off to greet him.
I was SO FURIOUS at the nerve of this kid to take advantage of his mom like that AND at his mom for not demanding some respect from him. For God's sake, she works like 15 hours a day. She works at work and then does more work on the internet at night from 9:30 til midnight AND she's had bronchitis for the past month. He is going to run all over her, and it's only a matter of time til he becomes a teenager.
All I did until she got here was mutter to myself over and over again "He's not my kid! He's not my kid! He's not my kid! He's not my kid! He's not my kid! Thank GOD he's not my kid!"
Thanks for letting me vent!
Vent away, Lisa. Just remember, he's NOT your kid. I hate to say it, but if someone spoke to my kids like that, I'd be a bit peeved, you may have over-stepped your boundries here. He may be an ungrateful brat, but at least he's not YOUR ungrateful brat! It *is* a shame the mother allows herself to get walked on like that, but I'd just bite my tongue next time, it's not worth wasting your breath. JMHO.
Yeah, you're right. That's probably why it's a darn good thing that other kid came to the door when he did, cuz I was ready to hand my son's friend his backpack myself and tell him to get on his bike and go home. I really didn't YELL at him (where I used the caps) but I was being pretty firm with him.
And, when his mom finally got here, he had the nerve to ask her if he could stay longer!
I guess you and I wouldn't get along so well, cuz I have no problem sitting them down on my couch and giving them a good talk. I have found that these kids around here have NO clue what it means to treat people (anyone, be it their own parents, or their friends, or me!) with respect. Apparently, I am the only one around here who cares to take the time. Maybe it's what they NEED- someone to give it to them straight.
Like this one time my son and his friends were playing Donkey Kong, multi-player (3 people) and one of them got mad cuz no body LET him win. I said, "Excuse me, but when Dale Earnhardt Jr. doesn't win a NASCAR race, does he get all mad cuz none of the other drivers LET him win?? The whole point of losing is to do better the next time, and get good enough to BEAT your opponent!"
If I could have some kind of an impact, then I guess I wouldn't feel that my efforts were wasted. But it is so frustrating.
Lisa, knowing the history with this kid, I probably would have said much the same things you said. And I might have said - and you can wait on the front sidewalk for your mother, because I don't want such a selfish, thoughtless person in my house!
Crystal is right that it's not worth wasting your breath, but on the other hand, I fully understand the need to speak your mind when you see a situation like that, and that's probably what I would have done.
I doubt you'll have much impact on this young man's life in general, but I suspect you'll have some impact on how he behaves when you're around.
Well, here's my feelings on this. If he's around enough to be spending the night at your house and such, then he gets to hear your opinion on things. If he doesn't like it, or if his mother has a problem with it, then he doesn't have to be there, does he. The way I feel, if my children's friends are at my house, then they listen to my rules, opinions, etc. Why? Because it's my house. Not saying I'm going to yell at them or anything, but if they get unruly, or break out an attitude, then I am going to give them my opinion about it.
Thing is, these kids may not ever hear it from anyone else. Maybe they don't know any better because no one ever told them. As a substitute, I see this all the time. A couple of little boys were saying some mean things to two deaf girls at the primary school I work at. I found out and was furious. I wanted to strangle them when they got back into my room. But instead, I talked with them, as a class, on their level. They didn't see anything wrong with what they were doing because they couldn't "hear" what they were saying, and they were only doing it because others thought it was funny. Once I explained that the girls could hear a little with their hearing aids and could also read lips, they were pretty much horrified. They didn't realize they could actually be hurting these girls. The teacher had gotten onto them a couple times before. Once I explained to them what was going on, they never did it again.
I guess this is getting a little off topic, but my point is, sometimes you may be the only person who ever tells a child passing through your life right from wrong. Just because it isn't your child, doesn't mean you should turn your back and ignore what's going on. Sometimes a child needs to be made aware of the situation at hand. We can't just assume they know and understand everything.
Sorry, I disagree here. What went on between this child and his mother had nothing to do with you and had no effect on you, except that he didn't leave your house that instant and instead had to wait a few minutes longer for his mom. I would have been very insulted had someone spoken to my child that way and questioned a decision *I* had obviously made (to pick up my child). He hadn't done anything to you or your son, so this just was uncalled for, IMO. How he gets to and from your house is his business. I guess I just truly don't see what the big deal is here...I don't see why his mom needed to be 'defended' or why he needed to be scolded. Again, a conversation took place between he and his mother and a decision was made and it was *their* decision.
Ditto, Adena: "If he's around enough to be spending the night at your house and such, then he gets to hear your opinion on things."
My thoughts exactly as long as the tone is firm but kind. If it was firm and sharp-toned then I
probably would have to agree with Crystal.
Hmmm, I see both sides of this. Even though you haven't asked for opinions on what you said to him, others have weighed in so I will too. LOL I think I agree more that I would be upset if I was his mom that you talked to him about it. If I was his mom and I talked with him on the phone and I AGREED to come pick him up, what business is it of yours? If I felt he was out of line asking me to come get him, I would have told him that and made him ride his bike home. I feel not only did you critisize his taking advantage of her, but you also made it clear that you don't agree with her parenting! That would tend to bother me. Like I said, how he gets home is between him and me. I nor he asked you to bring him home since he was tired. I do think that when we have kids at our home, we have the right to expect them to behave in a way we see fit for our home and to follow our rules, but I just don't think this falls into that catagory!!
Thanks, Kate, for being so honest! 
Truth is, I have stayed out of it for quite a while now. What's hard for me is standing by and watching it happen time and time and time again.
I have a lot of respect for his mother for pulling herself up by her bootstraps and getting her life together. About 5 years ago she lived across the street with her son (then 6) and her live-in boyfriend. All within about a 6 month period, she got pregnant, got laid off from her job, her boyfriend split, and her house got foreclosed on. I lost touch with her for about 3 years, but then she found a house to rent a few blocks away. She went to school, got a temp job with a really good company, got hired in permanently, just got a promotion, and isn't looking for any more boyfriends. She really got herself turned around and is doing what it takes to support her kids. She doesn't DESERVE to be treated so disrespectfully. It just grinds me. And I have watched it happen time and time again over the past year and a half now since our boys got back in touch with eachother.
I suppose she is making her own bed, so to speak. But on the other hand, I think she knows she needs to be more firm with her son, but I don't think she knows HOW to do it, and I am quite sure she is now over working herself, so she is probably just too tired to deal with him.
He only sees his dad once or twice a month. He can't go live with him cuz he has a night job. I think what he really needs is a MAN. A male influence is often necessary around this age to keep the boys in line. Granted, I can't do that, but I am finding it more difficult to watch it happen.
I thought about inviting her out to lunch and having a talk, friend to friend, but I don't know her THAT well - at least not well enough to know if I would be crossing any lines with her. Besides, it has ALSO been my experience that going directly to parents gains nothing.
But thanks for the input (Vicki, too) and I will consider it.
hmmm, I might have done things differently. You said he was told too be home by 6:30? Did I read that right? I would have had him out the door, on his bike, headed home before 6:30.
We had a neighbor kid, where we lived, when we first moved here. She was kind of obnoxious and would hit my kids sometimes. It was like she didn't know how to behave around other people. There were some alcohol issues in the home, with the parents and some vocal fighting, which my other neighbor would tell me about, but I never heard. We knew her from about 4 to just when Sarah turned 7. Amy is a month younger than Sarah.
I had a lot of little talks with Amy, about not hitting, and stuff like that. When she got to be 4, she went to the Early Learning center (school district preschool), and as she got a little older, she became more civilized. She spent a lot of time at my house (sometmes, too much, like when you dread the doorbell!) I feel like I helped raise her, for a few years.
We moved, when Sarah turned 7 and lost track of this young girl. So, I don't know what she is like now!
Sorry your vent has turned into a debate of sorts.....I wouldn't have minded if it were my kids at all. Sometimes they need an outside perspective to really *get* something.
That's okay, Kim. I don't mind. Everyone has a different take on things.
I was thinking about it, and Crystal may be right. She seems to me to be the type who would say, "If you got a problem with my kid, you come to me." And I can totally understand that point of view, too.
I should either stay out of it or have a talk with his mom. But I don't think that would accomplish anything. She's always been over indulgent of him, even since he was little.
Some of you may be wondering why I am so worked up about this. As I was also thinking more about this, it is more than that I see what is happening and I know it is wrong, but that in less than 2 years, this kid will be a teenager. When that happens, there will be no limit to his ability to manipulate to get what he wants. His mother will have no control over him due to his lack of any respect for her, and I fear the influence that will have on my son. I guess I will have to deal with that when the time comes, and hope that they will grow apart naturally.
While I understand where you are coming from and I'm sure the frustration with this kid has been building for a while, I'm with Kate on this. If you weren't upset about him staying at your house for a few extra minutes, you really didn't have any right to lecture her ds about his behavior. Her bratty kid, her decision to come pick him up, her consequences in a few years when she can't control him. I doubt your "talk" with him is going to make any difference in his attitude towards her. If he'd broken one of your household rules or was disrespectful to someone in your home, I'd have a whole different perspective on the situation but, as it stands, I think you were out of line.
I agree with Connie on this one. When I have a child playing at my house, does not matter the age, I always ask what time do you have to be home and then I make sure they are on their way at that time. No calls allowed, they must go home and check in and then if OK with parents can come back. When my 8 yr old ds goes out to play he is told a specific time to check in and I ususally don't have a problem.
Children at my house must abide by my rules or they leave.
I would do the same as Conni.
My house, my rules. Those include respecting your parents and your playmates. That mom needs a clue in what she's turning her son into. And the boy needs a mom who is going to turn him into a man that respects women, not treats them like his personal servant.
Well, I think your heart is in the right place. However, I think saying something isn't going to make any difference. If his mom is allowing him to treat her this way, it is her problem, no matter how wrong it is. I definitley agree that he should follow your rules when in your house. However, there really isn't much you can do about how he treats his mother, and her relationship with him. You can, however, limit your ds's contact with him, when he becomes a teenager if you feel it is influencing/harming your ds. Like someone else suggested, next time, if you know what time he is suppose to be home, just send him home at that time.
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