Isn't your family supposed to love you unconditionally? Aren't your parents supposed to love you equally, not any more or any less than your siblings? After having children, I can't imagine turning my back on them, yet for most of my life that's what my family has done to me. I live far away from most of my family, and over the years they have proven time and again that they don't care, that I (and by proxy, my husband and children) am an afterthought to all of them. I recently decided I didn't want or need any of them in my life anymore, it has been too painful for too long, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I see so many members here who are close with, and supportive of their grown children, and I can't help but wonder why I've never been entitled to that. I just needed to vent that, and cry a bit, thanks for reading if you've made it this far.

By Tripletmom on Wednesday, June 28, 2006 - 09:40 pm:

I can also relate.My mother lives 15 minutes away from me and I see her every 6mths if I'm lucky.I dont expect too much anymore.She was not a good mother but I thought maybe she'd want to try to be a good gramma.She is just not into kids like I am.I dont set myself up anymore to be hurt.I concentrate on the people who matter more in my life.I don't know why family is like that.You can pick you're friends but you can't pick you're family.I have a wonderful extended family and I'm quite happy where I am now.(((HUGS)))

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, June 28, 2006 - 09:59 pm:

"Supposed to" is the ideal, but that seldom happens. Yes, you are entitled to your parents' unconditional, unfavoritism love. But your parents are obviously not the kind of people who can give you that.

You are right to try to move on. And, it probably doesn't make it hurt any less.

Let me share a couple of family stories with you.

My grandmother, my mother's mother, was not a kind or loving person, and she clearly and always favored her son over her two daughters - my mother and my aunt. My mom was the oldest, and was used as a housemaid, babysitter, and everything else. My grandmother didn't approve of my father (probably because he didn't approve of her and the way she treated my mom), and for a couple of years after my folks married, grandma used to send mom's old boyfriends around to their apartment, but didn't tell them she was married. My dad also did not have the kind of loving family we all want and deserve - his dad had remarried after his first wife (my dad's mother) died, and my dad's stepmother was a very selfish, unloving woman. At one point she put her younger daughter (by my grandpa) in an orphanage because the child was too much trouble. My parents decided they would start from scratch and make the kind of family they wanted. And I don't think anyone could have had a more loving, caring, thoughtful and generous set of parents. I have always felt blessed in my parents.

My youngest son has always been my problem child - he has problems, and he made problems (past tense - he doesn't make problems any more). A few years after he moved out he had a crisis of sorts, and moved back in for a while. One day we were doing some yard work, and he said something very interesting to me. He told me that when he was living at home, when we told him we loved him he didn't really believe it or believe that it meant anything important, because - of course - all parents have to love their children and all siblings have to love their sibs. It was only after he had been living out on his own that he realized that not all families love each other and not all parents love their children, and he had a lot of friends whose parents had written them off or would have little to do with them, or were in other ways unloving and unkind. And my son had finally, by those examples and by our behavior to him, come to realize that yes, we did and do love him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you have parents like mine, you are very fortunate. If you don't, you can try to create the kind of family you want a family to be. And, not all parents love or are loving to their children, and not all families are loving to each other. It's sad, and I sure do wish it were different - in general and particuarly for you. But if you can move on and make your own family of love, you will be doing the best thing you can for yourself and your children.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, June 28, 2006 - 11:29 pm:

Thank you for replying. The thing that brought all of this to a head was my asking my mother for help, and her saying she couldn't help me, it wouldn't be fair to HER children (who are my half-siblings). What I was asking was not unreasonable, and certainly not something she couldn't provide if need be. That statement says to me that I'm not "her child", and my children aren't important. Ginny, I knew you had issues with your youngest, and still have been there to help in any way possible, even if it requires "tough love". Karen has also BTDT, and I guess I resent the fact that there are loving parents who can be there for their children, but mine aren't in that group. My own (blood) mother sounds a lot like your dad's stepmother... I was too much to "deal with" as a teen, and even now as an adult I am treated like dirt. She's my mom. She's supposed to love me no matter what, like I love my children. If she didn't want me, why didn't she just give me up for adoption? I'll never be good enough in her eyes, I'm not good enough in the eyes of any of the family members, no matter what. When I express my feelings, it's all in my head, or it's because of some awful thing I've supposedly done.
I am in therapy, and am working on these issues with my therapist, but I feel like there is nothing that will help, I just want to be loved and part of my own family, and it will never happen. The only good thing is I will do better by my children, because I'd never want them to feel this pain.

By Cocoabutter on Thursday, June 29, 2006 - 12:07 am:

I can only say that we are given 2 chances in life at a parent-child relationship. The first when we are the kids, and the second when we are the parents.

Focus on the good in your life, not on the sorrow. Try to focus on the love that you have with your hubby and your children. (((HUGS))))

By Tink on Thursday, June 29, 2006 - 01:23 am:

{{{Anon}}} I'm so sorry your family (and especially your mom) have made you feel this way. Family should always be there for each other and the love between a mother and child should never be conditional or depend on how good you are or how easy you were to raise. I can only hope that you'll learn from the mistakes your family has made and make sure that doesn't happen with your children. {{{Hugs}}}

By Cat on Thursday, June 29, 2006 - 07:47 am:

{{{{{Anon}}}}} I'm sorry you're going through this. Yes, family should be there. This shouldn't happen to you or anyone else. Like others have said, focus on your kids. They'll know the way it should be. More hugs.

By Vicki on Thursday, June 29, 2006 - 08:59 am:

It broke my heart to read your post and I can hear the pain in your words. I am so sorry that you have never experienced that unconditional love from your parents. I also want to commend you on recognizing it and breaking the cycle with your own kids!! So many times, thing like this just go on and on for generations because no one knows better to change it. Try not to focus too much on what you don't have with your parents and really concentrate on what you do have with your own kids. I am SURE you have their unconditional love!! Hugs for you!!

By Happynerdmom on Thursday, June 29, 2006 - 09:44 am:

(((Hugs))) Ditto many of the others...I'm not close with my mother. She also doesn't have what it takes to be a good mother. (And it took me a long time to accept that it was who SHE was, and didn't have anything to do with who I was.) But like others have said, we can't control who are parents are, but we can be the kind of parents we wished we had. Sometimes I'm almost jealous of my kids because of the family life they have. I would have given anything for that when I was growing up.

By Missbookworm on Thursday, June 29, 2006 - 10:05 am:

Anon I understand what you mean completely! My mother when I seperated from my ex husband said "I'd help you out IF you moved back to where you live, but there is nothing I can do for you because you live so far away."

The rest of my family only contacts me when things are going well in their lives and they want to share something good going on it their lives. They never contact me to see how I am or how my children are. The last time one of them contacted me was through my boyfriend and I shut him down quickly and asked him to have no contact with him and that I didn't expect him to understand my wishes, just to respect them. It's hard for him to accept, he wants to "help" me fix what's wrong with my family and that's sweet. However, he has no idea how it's been over the years. Him (my boyfriend) and his family are very close, I don't expect him to understand as long as he can respect it.

I've been there Anon, I'm still there, I imagine that I'll always be there when it comes to my family and I. I haven't completely accepted it yet and it still hurts, but I'm getting there. I've built my life up, making it what I want and living it without them. I still get melancholy when they cross my minds and I wish it was different or I see families like my boyfriends, then I wish once again that I wish I had that.... (((((((((((((((((( Anon )))))))))))))))))))))

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, June 29, 2006 - 10:36 am:

{{{{HUGS}}}}

By Yjja123 on Thursday, June 29, 2006 - 10:43 am:

I have been there both with my own family and even worse with my hubby's family. His family DEFINITELY does not have unconditional love and they 100% favor his sibling. We have learned that we can only count on ourselves. It has actually made our relationship stronger. We have the philosophy that our family starts with us. We are our family and that includes some friends that are honorary Aunts & Uncles to our children. In a perfect world, we could count on family members to show simple love and respect. Our phone never rings on birthdays, holidays, etc. It can be frustrating. I am sorry that you are going through this! My only advice is to distance yourself from it. If they cannot love you for just being you, then they are not worth your time or effort. Surround yourself with people who do love you. Family does not have to be blood. Family is whoever appreciates you for you!
Good Luck!
((((HUGS))))

By Sandysmom on Thursday, June 29, 2006 - 09:46 pm:

(((((Anon))))))) I feel so heart-broken for you. I wish I were there to help in some way and maybe be a part of your family. My oldest sister was the "problem" child, (for lack of a better word) and my parents were always there for her if she needed them. I am glad you said that you will do right by your children. You sound like a very good person and a very good mother.

By Anonymous on Friday, June 30, 2006 - 01:26 pm:

well, I thought so too. However, I've recently been disowned by my mother, just out of her own selfishness and need to be a martyr. I am one of seven children, the second oldest, and we are also all half siblings. We range in age from 31 to 14. Like you, my mother rarely cared if I was around or needed something. My little family was always last for everything. Shoot, my mother didn't even call me on my birthday. Yet I called her for both of her Mother's Days, and caught heck if I didn't. (She celebrates both American Mother's Day and the Hispanic one. Very convenient for her.)
Anyway, I went up there recently to help my sister with her unexpected delivery. Mind you, my sister lives 6 hours away and I have 2 little boys, one of whom I was still nursing at the time. I went because my poor sister was scared and her husband wasn't able to be there. They hadn't planned on an early delivery. Upon entering my sister's hospital room, my mother, whom I hadn't seen in nearly a year, says to me , What the heck are you doing here? I just thought, gee thanks mom, the 6 hour drive this morning was fine, thanks. The boys are fine, thanks.
Because she wanted everything her way, and my sister needed me to voice her opinions for her, I got my mother's wrath, and I no longer have a mother. I don't know how she could claim to love all her kids equally, and then do this. Then again, she was never really a mother, only when it was convenient for her.
It also makes me happy to see so many parents here on MV that still care for their grown children and help them when they need it. It's also good to see it the other way around. That's what I always believed family should do, and just because the one I came from doesn't do it doesn't matter. I know what kind of family I want for myself and my children. That change begins with me.
I hope you can see your wonderful family, those who are blood and those who are not. If you just open your eyes you will see who they are.
(((HUGS)))

By Anonymous on Friday, June 30, 2006 - 04:02 pm:

Thank you everyone. You don't know how comforting your kind words have been. My DH doesn't understand why I let these people torment me, and why I'm so hurt now that I've finally put my foot down. He thinks I should have done it long ago, but he's close with his family, and doesn't realize how bad it hurts me. His mother loves me more than my own, there is something wrong with that! My grandmother called here, and spoke to him (he's running interference), and told him it's HIS fault I'm not speaking to them. I called her back, LIVID, because I've told her more than once EXACTLY what has brought me to this decision. I asked her to just once admit what her husband did to me (he asked me to undress for him when I was 16, I told her immediately, and she called me a liar), and she had the audacity to say I encouraged that, and he didn't do anything wrong. A 16 year old doesn't encourage a man in his 40s (he's younger than her) to do something like that, and the worst part is at the time he was working with school age children. She still believes that scumbag (who was also physically violent with me, and at one time sicked his very large dog on me), over her blood, I don't get it. I told her that was it, have a great life, and I hung up. I still haven't spoken to my mother, my grandmother told DH mom was in the hospital (she's in her 40s, no major health problems, and just got back from a FL vacation), and how was I so callused that I didn't even call. Well, if she is in the hospital, I don't care. I've had some major health issues this year, and she didn't care, why should I? *sigh* Most days I just deal by pretending they are all dead, as morbid as that sounds. It just hurts less than knowing they just don't care.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, June 30, 2006 - 04:39 pm:

It's always scary to think you don't love your mother, or father, or a family member. After all, aren't we supposed to love them unconditionally? (to turn the original question around)

My feeling is that family, like everyone else, has to be loveworthy. If your parents don't behave in a loving manner, then you owe them courtesy when you must have contact with them (and that's more for your sake than theirs - the old "high road" mantra). But that's it. And if they complain, well, you are just living out what they modeled for you and taught you.

I remember when my sons were at the "I hate you, Mom" stage. My response was - you don't have to love me - you don't even have to like me. But you have to treat me with respect while you live in my house. And I really meant it then and mean it now. That my sons love me is a joy, and it is because I earned it and they want to, not have to.

I would really like to hug all of you who don't have loving parents. I think it is a sin and a shame to not behave lovingly towards your children.

I remember my father saying to my brother once - if you do something wrong, I won't cover for you and I won't lie for you. I might feel that what you did was wrong and not like you for doing it. But I will always love you. That's what I think parents should be like. And if kids don't love their parents, the kids are most often acting what their parents modeled for them and taught them.

But that doesn't take away the scary - I must be a bad person - feeling when you feel that you don't love a parent. I think you have to keep telling yourself - I don't love my mom because she is not loveable and has not loved me. I don't know if that will help, because that is the head and not the heart. But it's the truth.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, June 30, 2006 - 04:43 pm:

Oh, and Anon, can you tell your dh, nicely, that you have to work this situation out for yourself, that you appreciate his concern and support, but you are the one with the feelings and you are the one who will have to work them out. It feels to me that what he is saying is sort of like when people say to someone who has lost a loved one - it's been long enough and it's time for you to stop mourning. And what you are doing is mourning. You're mourning the loss of the loving family you never had and wish you had, and you're mourning that you have come to terms with that fact, which means accepting your loss. You're mourning the loss of your hope, your dream that someday it would change. It is a loss, and it hurts, and you have to mourn at your own rate.

I just went back and re-read your original post. I want to say, Anon - and the other Anons and posters - it is NOT that you're not worthy, that you are not entitled to a loving family. Every child is entitled to a loving family. That you don't have loving parents has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. It is not because of anything you did or didn't do, anything you are or are not. It is their fault, not yours.

By Anonymous on Monday, July 3, 2006 - 01:48 pm:

Well, I might as well reveal myself (everything is over now, officially), I'm going to post anon because I don't want my name coming up in searches, but I'm the one with twins, who lives in KS and is married to a soldier. ;)
Anyway, my grandmom had told my DH that my mom wanted to talk to him while I wasn't around. He didn't want to, because he figured she would bash him, but I told him "No, she wants to tell you how horrible I am, and every lie she can think of to excuse her behavior." Well, I was ABSOLUTELY dead on, she spent 15 minutes or so lying about my childhood, saying I resented my step-dad marrying her (not true, I was in the wedding, and nothing made me happier, I finally had a dad), and that I wouldn't let him adopt me because I resented him (also not true, I decided that at 14 I didn't need a piece of expensive court paper to tell me who my dad was, I already knew), that I'm bi-polar (my mom has a HS education, and I've had 3 psychiatrists tell me I am most certainly NOT bi-polar, although my mom believes I am, bec her mom is!) She went on to tell him all kinds of BS about me lying about being abused, and that I had told her HE was abusing me (never said that, he never has, although she denied having any knowledge of my ex abusing me, and there is someone on this board who was there when I called an told her.) Basically, the woman is crazier than a jay bird, and he even caught her in her own lies on the phone. Of course, I called her when I found out, and told her in some colorful language to never speak to my husband again, filling his head with lies that he can easily see through. She told me not to ever call her again, and hung up on me. I called my grandmom, and told her off as well, and asked her to pass the message on to the rest of the family that we are, for all intents and purposes, dead, and they should NEVER contact me again. EVER. I am hurting SO bad, all I've EVER wanted was to fit into my family, but they are self-absorbed, and mental disorders run rampant. (I have anxiety disorder, and am the ONLY one in psych/theraputic care) I guess I was just dealt a crappy hand, and have to make due with what I've got. I just hope it makes me a better person one day, and a better parent to my children. The thing that hurts the most is that the people who "raised" me, my great-grandparents, are dead, and I really think they are the only ones who ever loved me. I miss them so much. I'm going to continue working on this in therapy, and hopefully one day I'll be at peace with the whole situation.

By Tonya on Monday, July 3, 2006 - 02:57 pm:

Just love your kids and know that it will be better for them then it was for you. Know that your DH loves you and so do we. Remember that your kids love you unconditionally and you love them just as much back. That is all taht is important. Good luck and come here to talk to us anytime.

By Sandysmom on Monday, July 3, 2006 - 03:28 pm:

Well, they don't know what they are missing. You are a sweet, kind, loving wife & mother. I believe you would do anything for anyone. I only know you through MV, but it's very obvious that you love your family & friends very much; and you are a good mother. Take it from an adoptive mom & foster mom; good families aren't necessarily biological. If you ever want to talk, my email is scott dot family4 @ verizon dot net. Take care, sweetie & ((((hugs)))))

By Tink on Monday, July 3, 2006 - 04:56 pm:

{{{Hugs}}} I hope that you are able to resolve all of this on a personal level, not with them, but within your own heart and mind. No one deserves the treatment you've received from your family and nothing you've ever done could possibly explain why they've chosen to act this way toward you. I know that you are a great friend, mother, wife, and person and that this has been something that you've given this a lot of thought and time and energy. You know how to reach me when you need me.

By Tripletmom on Monday, July 3, 2006 - 05:14 pm:

(((HUGS))) You may be hurting like you've never hurt before.It's ok.Let yourself mourn and take 1 day at a time.You have just broken the vicious circle and good for YOU.I've gone through the same thing and I'm a point in my life where life is too short.You have kids and a DH who need you and you need them.Its all about you're family.Make good memories for you're kids and let it be a fresh start.You didn't pick her to be you're mother so be easy on yourself.It will always bother you a little but it does get easier as time goes by.((((BIG HUGS))))

By Anonymous on Tuesday, July 4, 2006 - 05:05 pm:

I just wanted to thank you all again, especially those of you who have emailed me. It means a lot to know that there are people who care.