Ok, here's the situation. My 19 y/o BIL text messaged me this weekend, telling me he's getting married next weekend. I didn't believe him at first, but DH called him, and he said he is, to a girl from Indiana that he went to school with. He is in the Coast Guard, stationed in FL. He hasn't lived in IN for over a year, so contact with this girl has been limited to phone and internet. I think this is a BIG mistake, considering DH and I both got married at that age, and ended up divorced. I married my HS sweetheart, and we lived together for about 8 months before marrying, but it still didn't work. DH barely knew his ex-wife when they got married, so obviously that's a different situation, but none the less it ended in a nasty divorce as well. My BIL is mature for his age, but he is still just learning to be on his own, and really is NOT ready for this. How can he even know they will be able to live with each other? They dated quite a while ago, when still in HS! Either way, I haven't commented on it, I know he texted me instead of DH because he wants our blessing, and I think he expected me to be more supportive. Well, DH talked to him today, she got to FL today, the wedding is Friday. She's concerned we won't accept her (DH and BIL are very close, BIL looks up to DH a lot), and is also worried she won't get as much attention from BIL as his mom does, since all the boys are "momma's boys". I will accept her, because she will be part of the family now, but I can't form an opinion on someone I know nearly nothing about. DH says we need to just give him our blessing, but I CAN'T because that would be saying I approve, and I DON'T! Of course, it doesn't matter if I approve or not, BIL will do what he wants, and trying to talk him out of it will only cause problems. What do we say? What would you do? I love him like he was my own brother, and I don't want to see him get hurt, but there really is nothing I can do to stop him. Any suggestions on how to handle this? Do we send them a gift and card? (No family will be present, since this is a shotgun thing.) I'm also pretty upset because BIL has found himself in financial trouble a couple times since being on his own, and we've helped him through it, but he was supposed to come visit this weekend, (traditionally we'd spend 4th of July together, but he's going to be on patrol that weekend) and cancelled his trip because of money issues. How will he support a wife when he can barely support himself? On top of it all, I don't even know if my in-laws know yet, and they are going to be devastated, since they weren't there for DH's first wedding (shotgun), or ours (we had a quiet courthouse wedding, and they were still in IN at the time). They have another son, but I know they will be heartbroken that Jake (the baby of the fam) got married without them present. ARGHHHH!!!!

By Tonya on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 04:19 pm:

I would say tell him the truth. Tell him you love him and will stand by him no matter what he does and you will welcome her into the family with open arms but you think he should wait and make sure it is right before he jumps into something this important. But again whatever he chooses you love and support him decision. that is the only thing you can dowithout causing issues. Good luck!!!

By Breann on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 04:37 pm:

I probably wouldn't say anything. He's over 18, and you said he is mature. Live and learn, I guess.
DH and I were married young (he was 19). We were highschool sweethearts and we are still going strong. And, we never lived together before we were married. And on top of that, neither of us ever lived completely on our own before we were married either.
There is a chance that it could work out great for your BIL and his fiance.
If he were to ask you for your opinion, then of course I would say give it to him.....he wants it. But if he doesn't, then I would say just love him like you always have, and be there for the ups and downs. That will mean a lot to him.

Totally JMHO

By Tripletmom on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 04:39 pm:

Ditto Tonya-Just be there for them.((HUGS))

By Anonymous on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 04:46 pm:

I wouldn't say anything to him. I had my best friend become wife #3 to someone I thought was a total loser. She asked me to be the matron of honor, I agreed, but I almost backed out and sent her a letter telling her I thought she was making the biggest mistake of her life. I am glad I never mailed the letter. They have had some rough times, but they are still together and seem to be very much in love. If you say anything, I would strongly suggest that you tell him to tell his parents and invite them down (even if they can't go, at least they will have been invited). Going anon to protect my friend.

By Yjja123 on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 04:54 pm:

When we announced our engagement, my hubby's family protested. His mom begged him not to marry me. They wanted to know if I was pregnant--no I was NOT. They did not know me and felt hubby was too young (we were mid twenties). Regardless of their reasons, they ruined our engagement! We decided to elope because we felt they would ruin our wedding. To this day, we still feel hurt over their behavior. I suggest you let him make his own decisions and do not try to interfer. It is his life, his decision. What didn't work for some, will work for others. If you say something you will not be able to take those words back. It may destroy any future relationship.

By Crystal915 on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 05:23 pm:

Thanks for the replies. That's basically where we're at right now, just not saying anything, but I know he wants our blessing in this. IF he knew this woman better, or had a longer engagement (this is literally a spur of the moment decision, up until this month he has been dating other women and partying it up like a single guy), I'd be more inclined to support it. I have no intentions of trying to talk him out of it, but I can't bring myself to give my blessings (I feel I'd be lying), and DH thinks that if I don't it will ruin the close relationship we have with BIL. I'm just frustrated, he's far away from home and all of his family, I realize he is looking for safety and security, because they were raised in a very tight-knit family with tons of relatives nearby. He's admittedly lonely down there, and I'm afraid he's doing this just to have someone familiar with him.

By Sandysmom on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 05:30 pm:

I get the feeling that if he's insinuating(sp?) that he wants your blessing, then he knows something is amiss. I wouldn't say anything, just listen to him and if he asks for your advice, I would keep it short and sweet. (" Just my experience, I would wait." or " Have you thought about postponing it until your parents could be there? or " You know, you are talking to the wrong people, you should be talking to Mom & Dad.") If you mention anything about his financial position or premature relationship with this girl, then he might take offense; or worse, she might, and that may cause a rift. You could also say something to build him up, like, " I know you, and I know you will make the right decision." Hearing something like that from you & DH, knowing that he looks up to you, may give him the encouragement to sit down and think things through. If he decides to go through with it in the end, then you will at least be able to say that it was totally his decision and you didn't veer him in any way. Then, that leaves you totally innocent and free of a guilty conscience with all parties involved. jmho

By Cocoabutter on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 05:36 pm:

Mature for his age or not, he is still 19 and 19-year-olds do stupid things. (I did, too)

He isn't mature enough to be responsible with money, and he isn't mature enough to get out of trouble on his own without help from anyone (if you hadn't helped him last time, his mommy probably would have.) AND the gf probably isn't mature enough to see that she should heed the red flags she's getting from him about the attention issue. She will be marrying a BOY not a MAN. A MAN doens't get married until he can at the very least support himself and/or a family. And a MAN would be able to separate himself from mommy and place his entire focus on his wife.

You acknowledge that you have no control over his decisions, but you really want to rake him over the coals for making such a stupid decision.

All this aside, you know what you need to do, but you are too frustrated and p'd off to see it. (I been there 2!)

What really matters is not what you think or feel, but how you behave. Be polite and supportive and send a small gift with a card wishing them the best. And then sit back and wait and see.

They are adults, and no one can stop them from making bad decisions. Could anyone have stopped you when you were that age? You just have to be able to grin and bear it. Tonya had good advice- if you HAVE to say something, say it now or forever hold your peace (couldn't resist!) but don't expect that they will listen, and tell him that although you don't think it is the right thing to do, you will accept his decision and his new wife (what choice will you have?) and then be kind and respectful of him and his wife and let the pieces fall where they may.

((((Good luck)))))

By Crystal915 on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 06:25 pm:

Lisa, that's the thing. We helped him out because his parents couldn't, which is more drama than I am comfortable getting into here. He hasn't exactly had the best role models (my in-laws are good people, just not perfect, and who is??)... when he stayed with us last summer I had to teach him how to balance a checkbook and write a budget, no one had showed him before that. It's things like that that concern me, he knows we're here to help him by giving him guidance, and if need be we will bail him out, but under the condition that he make an effort to learn from his mistakes. As we all know, marriage is one thing you can't take lightly, it takes work. He's seen how much DH and I have gone through already, and we're older and have been married before, as well as living together for a year before marrying. He's a good, kind-hearted guy, but I think their reasoning behind this wedding is so off!!
As for her, from what I understand she doesn't have a great home life, and this is a way out. I guess I really have no choice except keep it to myself, and play nice, I'm just so frustrated, and the momma bear in me wants to strangle him!!

By Cocoabutter on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 06:34 pm:

Yep. I got that from our first post. I know how frustrating it is watching someone do something so stupid that you want to box their ears and say "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???"

But you can't, so you have to grit your teeth.

It seems you and your dh have quite a bond with him, almost like surrogate parents. When I moved out of my parents' house with my bf at 19 I was told by my dad that I was now ON MY OWN and don't come to him for any money. Maybe you guys need to give him fair warning as well, but you would have to be in agreement with dh before you do that. He has to become an adult some how, and forcing him to be accountable to himself, and now a wife, may be the only way to do that. If he knows you will help him out of any bind he gets himself in won't make him accountable or grow him up. Imagine what it will be like when his wife has kids and he can't buy diapers or formula....

By Cocoabutter on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 06:36 pm:

Sorry if it sounds like I rambled there- my son and my dh are distracting me....

Good luck.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 06:44 pm:

Crystal, if you can't give your "blessing", you can say "Look, I love you, and I will always love you. You are making a decision and making a commitment, and I want you to take it as seriously as it deserves to be taken. Whatever happens, we love you." But only say that to him. For them, send a nice sloppy card, as nice a gift as you would send if you totally approved (within your budget, of course), and hope for the best. If you don't say something postive, he will take it for disapproval - and then we're back to what I say about not criticizing your children's friends or beloveds. If he knows you don't approve, if/when he runs into problems, or the marriage runs into problems, he won't turn to you and dh for help. I don't think you want to close that door.

You will almost never lose by taking the high road - and you will always feel good about yourself for doing so, even in the face of your deep feelings.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 06:45 pm:

And at least he is not marrying a girl he met in Florida two months ago. At least he has some history with this girl.

By Crystal915 on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 07:37 pm:

Good point, Ginny. I was hoping to hear from some of you with grown children, because Lisa is right, we do have almost a parental relationship with him. Ugh, is this what it's going to be like when my own children are grown??

By Tink on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 07:40 pm:

{{{Crys}}} I know how close you are with J and I'm sure this is a very fine line to walk. I think Tonya and Ginny gave you some great advice and I hope that J's decision ends up being a good one.

By Kaye on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 10:00 pm:

What a struggle. I got married young and it was the right decision for me (most days..lol). What made us different? First off we talked, we talked a lot, we had a long distance relationship for about 6 months that we wrote letters daily. I think I knew him and he knew me before we married. We did still get a couple of family members to give us the "talk". His mom right out said, "both your brother and sister married young and it didn't work, maybe you shouldn't do this." So that was 14, nearly 15 years ago and to this day I don't adore her. Maybe I never would of, BUT....

So my advice is to support him in his decision. Ginny's advice of saying I love you, etc, again in the right one I would suggestion saying, these are some of the things I wish I had talked about prior to marriage. And come up with a list...more of motherly advice, he can learn from your mistakes I wonder if there is a great premarital book that has quizes, etc, but if would be simple to write something.

Like on family..how many kids do you want? How soon do you want kids? Are there any children in your family that may have genetic issues? Who is the "black sheep" of your family and why?

on money...who paid the bills in your house growing up? did yall struggle with finances, were you included in what was going on?

on holidays...what do you do special, where do you go, what means the most to you.

and on and on...

if nothing else if they could have a long talk or two prior to the wedding, at least they could go in knowing more about each other.

I think the best advice I have heard is, you need to marry someone that you don't want to change a thing about, but realize they will change and so will you, the goal is to work so those changes bring you closer together, not further apart.

By Crystal915 on Tuesday, June 20, 2006 - 06:45 pm:

Well, it looks like everything happens for a reason. As for right now, the wedding is off. DH told me BIL has to ask the Coast Guard for permission, and decided to say screw it, I'm not sure if that's REALLY what happened, but either way, she is in FL with him now. I texted BIL to see how things were going, and asked how she was getting settled in, he was pretty vague, so I guess I'll just have to call him later. Thanks for all of the support and advice ladies... you're the best!

By Cocoabutter on Wednesday, June 21, 2006 - 06:37 pm:

I was wondering how you were doing.

I don't get it- get permission from the CG to get married, or for time off?

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 12:31 am:

Permission?? Not getting that one either...

By Crystal915 on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 03:14 am:

Apparently, permission for the CG to get married. He's not taking time off. I still haven't talked to him about it, so I'm not really sure. I'll let you know when I figure out what's going on. I know that *sometimes* you need to get permission in the Army, like if you're stationed in Korea and want to marry a Korean (at least I think DH explained it that way, one of the guys in his unit married a woman when they were stationed Korea, and I believe he had to ask the Captain's permission.) The CG is a whole different beast, there's a lot that they do that we're not familiar with as an Army family.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 09:29 am:

I can see having to ask to marry a Korean.. We all know the stories about marriage for citizenship.. Not saying that was the case but it does happen. But a girl from Indiana?? Just have never heard of any branch of the service requiring permission for marriage in that kind of instance. Shoot that would save a lot of issues, with the I'm marring you to get out of this sucky go no where town, if they did. My dad was in the Air Force for most of my childhood and I saw a lot of this first hand. But at least he has had to step back and not rush forward with this...