Yet another "What would you do?"
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Yet another "What would you do?"
I'm so angry right now, I could just spit. And, it's over something that's not really my business. 
This family moved in across the street and they have 2 boys. One who is around 4 years old and another who looks to be 10 and seems a little "slow". I overheard him talking today and he stutters quite a bit and talks a bit slow.
Anyway...2 scenarios, same family.
Yesterday, I went outside and her 4 year old was walking down the sidewalk yelling "My mom is so stupid. She is just so stupid." I'm sure she could hear him as this is probably why he's saying such things. (I don't know why he's saying it, but if Connor spoke like that, his butt would be spinning.) She also shut the door and left him outside and he screamed "Look what you made me do Mommy!" (It was a glass door.) Not sure what he was referring to...maybe he dropped something.
Then, today, her older boy is out on his little motorized scooter and he's whining, stuttering saying "Mmm-mom, the bbbateries are out I think."
She goes one to say, "Well then push it, you idiot!"
I about had a heart attack. I don't think she knew I was outside but if *I* heard it across the street, the poor kid definitely heard it. He then decided to push the cart after that. But, like I said, he seemed a little slow, you know?
It took it all in me not to race across that street and tell her off. (What would that prove? Nothing, I know, but man I was so mad.)
Where does a mother get off in telling her children that they are stupid (which is why I can assume the younger child said that about her) and calling them idiots?
When does it cross the line of verbal abuse?
I would be just as shocked and appalled - I don't honestly know what I would have done, because you never know which neighbors will get back at you through your children, and it just may not be worth it to blurt out what you're really thinking (no matter how deserved it would be!).
There's no doubt in my mind that calling a child an idiot is verbal (and emotional) abuse.
Well let me be the first to speak up. My kids use those names all the time, I sure don't encourage it, but they hear it from all sorts of places.
As for my child calling me stupid. You know really I have much bigger battles to fight, if he called me that to my face, I would certainly immediatly correct him. However, my dd who is working on issues, if her choice was to mutter it under her breathe and not yell it at me, or not throw things, slam doors etc. Then I may or may not punish her.
The reality is you only saw a small portion of their world, we all make mistakes, we all have bad parenting choices. No you shouldn't call your kid and idiot, but I also think you shouldn't cuss in front of your kids (or heck at all), but I know I have made mistakes. I also know I have said a few things I shouldn't have, when the rest of my world is falling apart.
It crosses the line of verbal abuse when and if the child is fearful, or just really down trodden.
Don't make assumptions, she may be a horrible parent, but she may just be regular and having a horrible day or two.
I think there's a difference between cussing in front of your kids and belittling them. Namecalling, especially of your own child, is just absurd. A parent's job is to build their child's self esteem. I don't see any of that happening here.
Okay, I wasn't going to respond to this thread as I don't post much anymore, but it was keeping me up and I couldn't sleep.
I was abused as a child, both verbally and physically but mostly verbally. When I was in my teens I forced my mother to take me into CPS and I tried to get myself placed in foster care. My mother would not back me up so I was left to continue on in an abusive home, I left as soon as I finished school. I moved as far away from my mother and stepfather as I could possibly get.
That said, however who is to say that I would have been better off in foster care if someone had choosen to step in and report my parents? Many children face worse fates in foster care at the hands of people who are supposed to be their saviours.
I think it's horrible what this mother is doing, however, abuse is a cycle and the cycle must be broken. She was probably abused herself as a child. Obviously she does not have the emotional maturity to face her issues and not treat her children the way she was probably treated.
Since you asked this is what I would do. I would not report her or speak to her directly unless you see more evidence of abuse, I would go and do a little research and find a book on child abuse and something that relates directly to breaking the cycle of abuse. Something that would speak to this mother about her own abuse and how it now reflects on her children.
I would put it in her mail box with a very strong recommendation that she read it and make some effort to change as you are keeping an eye on her and will report her if you see it continuing. I would do this anonymously. I would keep myself and my children away from this family.
This is just my opinion and it is what I would do, again since you asked.
At first glance, I partially agreed with Kaye - in this regard: "Well let me be the first to speak up. My kids use those names all the time, I sure don't encourage it, but they hear it from all sorts of places.
The reality is you only saw a small portion of their world, we all make mistakes, we all have bad parenting choices. No you shouldn't call your kid and idiot, but I also think you shouldn't cuss in front of your kids (or heck at all), but I know I have made mistakes. I also know I have said a few things I shouldn't have, when the rest of my world is falling apart."
HOWEVER - Anon's post has made an impact on me. And honestly, my very first reaction to your initial post was that it was heartbreaking for that entire family, but particularly the kids. Kids live what they learn. If they are belittled and insulted, there will be severe damage to their self esteem and self confidence. AND they will consequently treat others that way.
Now - you are in a tough situation. Do you report them with the results of that *possibly* making their situation worse? I don't know what to say.
My feeling is, things are not always perfect in any home setting. People have to vent their anger. It's actually normal for kids to mutter under their breath, things about their parents. They are getting that anger out in a non-destructive way. And on the one hand, I think it's a good thing because they *are* venting and getting it *out* of their system. Not the ideal solution, but better than totally going off on the person. But what I see happening is this progressing to direct confrontation that will get ugly and hurtful, or even dangerous as these kids get older - particularly with the older child - *if* he has some other issues already in place. Obviously some type of intervention is warranted. But the bottom line is, if you report them, it doesn't necessarily mean the situation will get better.
So basically, I don't have any good advice, I'm just giving you my thoughts.
I agree completely Heidi. Using words like idiot or stupid is not/will not be allowed in our house. I would rather here "sh**" than those words because "sh**" doesn't mean anything. It's just a socially unaccepted word that means NOTHING. "Stupid/idiot" are demeaning, derogatory words, just like (IMO) "shut up" or "hate". I would have been appalled also to hear a parent speaking that way to their children. I also agree that cussing in front of your children (while I don't condone that either) is a WAY different story than name-calling. "Holy sh**, I dropped a spoon!" is nothing but a statement. I use to use words like "stupid/idiot" while I was driving (), but those days are over because Natalie is usually with me!
Having worked with and through CPS for quite some time, I can tell you that you will get no where with them for name calling (i.e., verbal abuse) and you will end up having trouble from the parent. I can tell you stories of physical abuse that went NOWHERE because there's "not enough proof". It's mind-boggling.
I would just be feeling so sad for those children. Just wanted to say that I agree with you and *I* feel so badly for those boys and I wasn't even there!
I'm sorry and maybe I'm too lax and just tend to pick my battles. Do I allow my son to call me names? I certainly try not to but it does happen. Most recently, he (at four years old) likes the word stupid. I don't even think he knows what it means.
It happens and I do try to correct him but short of stuffing something in his mouth there are days that he will not stop.
I've tried time out, I've tried sending him to his room, I've tried smacking his mouth and though these each work sometimes. They do not work all of the time. I've done all three and he's ended up in his room still screaming at the top of his lungs. I'm sure the neighbors get quite an earful.
Anons post did touch me. I agree it is something to watch.
The reality is when you have little kids more and more things will stand out as I won't let me child, my child won't, etc. As my kids have gotten older I just realize that there are just a lot bigger fish. For example, my 12 year old daughter has a friend who smokes. YIKES. This girl is ever so polite at my house, she hides the smoking well (not at my house..lol, she knows better that to try). Actually she no longer does it around my dd at all. Because if I smell it on her at all, then my dd can't go over there ever. Her mom does smoke, but "only outside". The whole places stinks. So for the most part, they play over here. I did let her go for the bday party.
For me it is so little about the words as it is the tone. I wasn't there. I know that my tone often shouldn't be what it is.
I guess the point of my post is this. You really don't know the world she is living in. I think to be so angry you could spit nails off of two very minor incidents, and knowing nothing else is terribly judgemental. I think we ALL have parenting moments we aren't proud of. The stupid comment, doesn't even blip my radar. He obviously watches cartoon network. The mom calling the boy an idiot, not one of her proudest moments I am sure, but I would personally refrain from judging her until you know them better.
I really think Anon's suggestion of a book (even one that will help with good parenting strategies) with an enclosed note is a good idea. That way she's aware that someone is keeping an eye on how she treats her children while giving her the opportunity to educate herself, if she really does want to change. Unfortunately, I don't think that CPS is going to step in, if you did report her, and it could end up causing more problems.
Like Heidi and Deanna, I cannot imagine speaking to my children the way this woman did or allowing my children to speak to me in such a disrespectful manner. While you don't know the full situation, my assumption would be that if she's calling names and allowing her children to talk to her like that in a public place, what's going on behind closed doors? I have a real problem with people calling their children "stupid", "dumbsh**", "idiot" and other names. That isn't just venting, isn't just letting irritation or anger take over for a moment. It's not being a good example to your children or teaching them about self-control or building them up in any way. And it isn't any wonder that he's saying that she was stupid if he hears her say the same thing to him or his brother.
I'm sorry, but I don't think it's being judgemental at all. It's obvious this woman does not have some critical parenting skills, IMO. I'll be the first one to admit my shortcomings as a parent...getting angry when I shouldn't, using a tone that I shouldn't, but I would not use any words like that in any way toward my child, or ANY child for that matter. I don't talk like that to adults I know. It's just plain disrespectful and damaging to a child. It would be damaging to me, for heaven's sake! I don't want to be called those names either.
Hey guys,
I wouldn't report it, unless I witnessed something compelling.
They just moved in last year and now they're moving again. They've had a sign up for over a month which in odd in this town. Houses fly off the market here.
Anyway, I would be the person to either write a note or go over in person. (If Connor were taking a nap inside.) I think that's why I didn't go over there last time. I was just out for a second while Connor was busy inside and I couldn't say anything at that moment.
I just feel so sorry for these kids. If the older boy were to come by again on his scooter, I might chat with him a bit. Not sure what I would say, but I would ask some questions for sure.
Oh, and that kid WASN'T saying "My mom is stupid" under his breath. He was *yelling* it.
I'm sorry but, especially at that age, if you don't punish for disrespect you're asking for trouble when they're teenagers. I'd rather hear my son cry his lungs out in anger that I punished him rather than hear him tell me that "I'm stupid". They learn what words mean and they better learn what they mean from us, the parents.
Ditto Heidi. If I had called either of my parents "stupid/idiot", I still would not be able to sit down. I probably said that ONCE, and I learned not to do that again! But parents treated me with respect, and never put me down with those words or any like them.
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