Just need a shoulder
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2006:
Just need a shoulder
I know I haven't been around much, still feeling blue.
Some of you know the strained relationship I have with my dad.
Little background. Both of our vehicles have died to the point it is worthless to fix so we are looking for very reasonable vehicles at this point. We had to rent a car this week due to dh starting a full time summer job (10 week layoff from other job because it's on a school schedule). Rented a car from enterprise, asked them to pick me up. They were 1/2 late so she said I could have a pt cruiser for $1 more a day. I like it and said yes. Really cute and I do love it.
I heard my old preacher had by pass surgery and I was driving by dad's. I saw they were in the gazebo and I backed up and honked and asked him to walk over.
You should have saw the look on Ethel's (dad's new wife) face. As if I were going to burn in you know where.
She turned her head and you could tell she said something nasty about me to dad and kept talking to him.
He finally walked over and you could read her lips, "I'm going over too she needs to be told off."
They get up to the car and her anger turns to a smile when she sees Alyssa and Shannon in the back seat.
They both could have spit nails by the look on their face. He wouldn't even look at me when I asked him the question and he answered me.
They spoke some words to the girls. I laughed nervously and said btw, it's a rental.
They know we struggle financial, but we only communicate 3 -4 times a years.
I think they think I need to go back to work, etc.
When I drove off I felt like crying but the girls were in the back seat.
I really wish I could turn back time and our relationship be back the way it was. I can't handle this.
She blames the whole thing on me. That I have turned all my daughters against her. Heck, they never see them and the oldest has been revealed her true colors. I don't say anything bad about her, I bottle it up
I miss mom sooooo much. I just cried when I came home.
Sorry, I had to tell someone.
(((((hugs))))) It's hard when you have strained relationships with family members.
I'm sorry Marg! I wish I could give you a hug!
I must have missed this whole thing! Is there another post that you made about this? I am so busy lately...gggrrrrr, I need to read the board more often.
I'm so sorry you are going through all this emotional turmoil! I too have a stepmom that is a bit "out there" and it makes me miss my mom terribly. (My mom is in a nursing home and not really "with it" anymore.)
I wish I had a time machine for you...
I don't know you're whole situation but I feel your hurt in the post. Lots and lots of hugs for you. I'm sorry that you are going through this. You'll be in my thoughts.
I am so sorry you are still going thru this. I will say a prayer for your family. I can't even guess how you feel.
I don't get all the details, but it must seem like your father has picked his new wife over you, which has to cut to the core.
But there is nothing you can do about that. You just have to accept it and move on. I hope you can find the strength to do that. Just focus on your dh and the love you share for your children. When life hands us lemons, we make lemonade.
Marg, I remember some of your story, and I don't know what to say to make you feel any better.
I'm so sorry though, I know how painful this is. I hope things look better and feel better for you this morning.
{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{Marg}}} Hope you are feeling better today. If you need to talk email me.
Thank you ladies.
No, I don't feel any better.
Mom was such a sweet woman, when dad got angry she knew how to redirect that anger and talk to him.
Ethel is exactly like dad. She just knows how to push his buttons and make him more angry. The two of them are like an errupting volcano.
I think what she said to him before they walked out is "I bet she is going to ask you for money to buy that car!"
It's funny, she moved into his house, he pays all the bills (he's old school about those things), he pays when they go out to eat and he pays for stuff for her grandchildren.
It's very painful.
Before this incident, I was going to send him a father's day card.
What do you ladies think and what should I write in it?
Speak from the heart and don't mention your stepmonster at all. It doesn't sound like you Dad was mean, just her, or I could be totally wrong. Sometimes with parents you have to look past some bad, unless they are totally disrespectful, to get to some good. You cannot change who he picked for a second wife but you can choose how you interact with him. I wish I knew more about your situation because I have a feeling I am giving very bad advice based on your past? No matter what, he is still your dad.
Just thought I would throw this in there..........I have a stepmonster too. My dad married an evil woman who did everything she could to alienate us from him and him from us. She was (is) devious, selfish, greedy, manipulative, insecure, and just plain, flat out MEAN. I didn't have a relationship with my dad for many years because of her. There was a lot of other stuff from our past that played a part in not having a relationship with him, but she was the main reason we did not speak for many years.
Then I decided to let the past stay in the past and renew our relationship - my dad and I had been very close when I was a child, and I wanted my kids to know their grandfather. I managed to, for the most part, ignore her and not have anything to do with her, so I could have a relationship with him. And I am so glad I did, because he died unexpectedly just as he was getting to know his grandchildren. I am thankful for those few years of renewed closeness we had.
I don't know *all* of your situation, but I agree with Kim. Send him the card and leave her out of your relationship with your dad.
I definitely feel your pain. Just before my dad died, he said that he realized Edith (his wife) was not all that he had thought she was and he was sorry. I hate to see you lose precious time of having a relationship with your dad because of an evil woman.
(I'm sitting here thinking there must be something about names starting with *E*. LOL)
It doesn't sound like she brings out the best in him. It's very sad.
I would send him a card and an invitation to go out to lunch or something...just him.
I'm so sorry sweetie.
{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
I am sorry that you have to go through this. I hope that you and your dad can go out alone sometime soon.
(((((Marg))))))
And Marg, I sincerely hope my last post doesn't upset you. Obviously I don't know your entire story, I was just relating my experience. How do you feel about things today?
Thanks everyone.
Karen you didn't upset me. It makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one (sounds stupid doesn't it).
I had to call their house yesterday. Here was the conversation.
Ring, ring
Ethel always answers the phone.
Hello.
Hi Ethel, is dad there?
Yes, however, we are ready to leave the house.
But, I will allow you to talk to him.
(WHAT, ALLOW ME TO TALK TO HIM????? This is what I'm thinking not saying).
Am I nuts, do I take things the wrong way. It seems she is controlling everything.
Karen, how did you have a relationship with your dad?
Here's my situation.
She answers the phone and the door. If she feels it is an inappropriate time she will not get him.
He never goes anywhere without her.
For father's day, I'm actually not mailing the letter, I'm truly afraid she will open it up and throw it away. I'm sticking it in the church pew where they sit.
Advice would help me
Still feeling blue. When I feel this way I have a tendency to read posts but not post. Make any sense.
Marg, my stepmonster was so jealous of us, that if we were around, she would cry and pout and throw tantrums and fake illnesses, and fake fainting - anything to get my dad's attention. Then she started doing what yours is doing - being the one to answer the phone, and not letting us talk to him. She then started saying very mean things to us, and we were just kids/teens at the time, so it was confusing and hurtful. So between that and some other stuff, I didn't speak to him except once or twice in an 8 year period.
Then I decided he was MY father and I wanted to mend this relationship. I had to be very careful about not saying too much against her, because at that point, he was still very quick to defend her. But basically, I just kept calling, and eventually let him know that I had tried to contact him a number of times and she didn't bring him to the phone. After that, he started contacting me too. In short, it takes quite a bit of effort on your part, and hopefully at some point you can open a conversation with him and let him know that her attempts to control the contact you have with him, limits your ability to talk to him. Sounds like she is so controlling because of her own insecurities and jealousy.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. It is SO unfair!!!! At some point, you might mention to him that the things she says are hurtful to you, and also ask him to not share the entire content of your conversations with her. Let him know you want a relationship with him, but that certain things need to be kept just between the two of you.
I think your plan to leave his card on the church pew is probably the best thing to do under the circumstances. And I have to say, your stepmonster sounds just as mean and evil as mine does.
Side note - my aunt (dad's only living relative now) who is also a very religious woman, emailed me last year to tell me about the health conditions of my stepmonster and told me *you should write to her, send her pictures of the kids and grandchild, include her in your life. She is very sick and lonely and everything like that just cheers her up and makes her so happy*. I don't have to tell you, I literally almost went through the roof. I emailed my aunt back and told her *I guess you are a better Christian than I am. This woman did nothing but hurt us and push us away from my dad when we needed him most, and caused a lot of harm that way. I truly don't care what she would like or not at this stage, and it would be completely hypocritical of me to send her a card and pretend that I *do*. It is not going to happen, so please don't bring it up again*. And that was the end of that. Boundaries! And I have set mine. I don't owe this woman anything. Just because she was married to my dad means nothing to me. If she had ever been the slightest bit warm to any of us, I might be able to feel differently. But that is not the way it was/is.
I hope you find a way to bridge this gap with your father. You DESERVE to have a relationship with him if you want it. And honestly, your relationship with your dad is NONE of her business, even if she *is* his wife. If she TRULY cared for him, she would encourage a relationship with his daughter.
{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}
OH - and as childish as this sounds, it's pretty much about who is going to give in first. For me, it was a case of not wanting to let my stepmonster win. And now that she's alienated everyone who was once in her life, she's a sick, greedy, lonely, albeit fairly wealthy old woman, who is basically alone except for the people who are paid to be there to take care of her, because everyone wrote her off a long time ago because she was so mean and nasty to them. You reap what you sow.
Marg, I am a worrywart. I wouldn't even leave it in the pew for him! She could still get her hands on it. I would hand it to him directly if you can, maybe in passing on the way out so he doesn't have to open it then? I don't trust people like your stepmonster. My MIL was very much like that. And I could totally see her saying "what card in the pew? There was no card!"
I am glad you feel a little better and not so alone. I am sorry you are blue. I agree with Karen, it will probably take some work on your part.
It makes ME mad that she said she would "allow" you to talk to him! That tells all right there.
This is just so awful. Is there someone else you can give the card to and hand to him? Perhaps the pastor can pass it on?
If this were a man doing this to a woman, I would consider his actions of removing her from her relationships as abuse. Wouldn't this be the same as for your father? Sounds like she is brainwashing him.
I sure do hope you find a way to reach him and let him see just how much she is hurting his family's life. I agree with Karen, just don't give in. Try all the time to reach him and be as kind as can be so she can't say you are harassing them.
I don't know, I think I would look into the legalities of what is going on. It just doesn't sound right. Is she a gold digger? I would also document all your attempts to contact your dad so you have a record of how extreem her efforts of removing you are.
Many thoughts and prayers for you. (((HUGS)))
Can he get a cell phone? Geez...it's so sad that you can't even talk to your own father without "permission" from her. I wonder how he feels about it. Are there any family gatherings in the near future? Maybe invite them over to see the family and then corner your dad when she's in the bathroom?
Is there a possible other family member who is feeling the same way?
Ugh, my heart just aches for you!!!
Thank you ladies.
The only family I have left is dad, my sister (bipolar - I'm now talking to her once a month on the phone), my nephew (who I adore and is like a son to me, he's 21).
That's it.
I have no idea how my mom dealt with it. I usually become a hermit. I don't have many friends etc. But that's my fault.
Really I'm scared to get close to anyone due to the fear of getting hurt.
I've tried talking to him.
This is the woman that swears when my mom was dying (note mom moved in with us and passed away in our home) my mom was trying to set my dad and Ethel up together. My mom would do no such thing (I know from all the conversations we had).
She has everyone believing this who will listen, including MY DAD!!!!
When mom passed away dad would come up 4-5 times a week, sometimes twice a day. I may see him 4 times a year if that.
{{{Marg}}} Thinking of you.
((((HUGS)))
I would not let your stepmom get the best of the situation. I would do the same thing, give your dad a card whether she likes it or not. Don't stoop to her level (talk bad about her), just don't even mention her at all. Thats what she wants, him all to herself. I would just call now and then, keep in touch and see how things go .
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