Need advice...for a friend 
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2006:
Need advice...for a friend
I have a friend whom I've know for sometime. She has two beautiful children a boy, and girl. The girl is in jr. high, the boy in grade school.She asked me for advice yesterday and I really didn't have much to offer. Her and her dh have been married for 13 or 14 years, met in high school etc. During highschool her husband was addicted to drugs. Marijuana and speed. She expressed they were young, but he was still addicted. She did say she used marijuana on occassion but nothing serious. Meanwhile their first daughter is born husband had stopped using, son is born 6 years later her husband is still not using. She told me she never even gave any drugs a second thought, it was all teenage mischief. They have moved recently, and hubby gets a new job that doesn't require drug testing. So guess what he starts using marijuana again. She expresses her concerns to him and he brushes her off, explaining that it relaxes him etc. She told me she has accepted the fact that she can't change him, and feels that hes an involved parent, good father, hard worker but has big issues with the whole marijuana thing. Meanwhile, a new neighbor moves in, the same age as her dh 31, and she had her suspicions that he used also. She said her dh doesn't have friends, so she was excited to find out they had bike riding, nationality, similar jobs, in common etc.
So she comes home last night only to find out that they had smoked some marijuana together. She said she gave her husband the cold shoulder, and tried to talk to him about it later. Explaining her reason that this is not right. She asked what I would do, and I really didn't know how to help her. I told her I would go anonymous and ask you ladies for advice. She did tell me her dh won't quit, it was accepted by his family, most of them do it and its not seen as a big deal to him.
Goodness. I think I would have to kick him out mostly because if he gets caught with the drugs in the house, she may risk having her kids taken away. Also, JMHO, this is just the start. He will eventually desire a "high" more than fellowship time with his family.
He is risking losing everything - kids, wife, house, etc. Sandy is right. Addictive personalities will crave whatever their addiction is. If it is drugs, it will become the most important thing in their lives and their lives will center around it - getting it, paying for it, feeling it, doing it, whatever.
I personally would not accept it. I realize that would mean *I* would have to end my marriage, but there is no way I would have risked losing my kids and my house because my husband felt that getting high was that important. However, I am not her, and she is not me. If he has definitely made up his mind he won't quit, then I don't know what her other options are. Counseling/therapy won't change things if he's not willing to change.
She should ask him this: What is he going to do if/when one of their children catches him smoking a joint, or catches him high? Kids are not stupid. Especially if they have a child in Jr. high. She knows what pot is, I'd be willing to bet. How will he explain that it's OK for *him* to be high, but it's wrong for them to do drugs? Something to think about. How will he explain it to his kids if he gets busted for possession? Or causes a car accident while under the influence?
He is setting a double standard - *do as I say, not as I do*. Not a very caring, mature, responsible or worthwhile role model, IMO...........
I have known famlies who smoke pot and never do anything else, but his past says that most likely with time he will move on to something else. I wold not put up with him smoking pot in my house or taking care of the kids. He is risking everything and if he is willing to put everything on the line for this drug then it has already gone too far. I would tell her to point out that he no longer has control, but the drug does because he is already sacraficing everything for it. She needs to be very clear what she will and will not live with. If all he gets is some nagging and the cold shoulder then he is not going to be motivated to stop.
Hmmm this is a tough one. For me, drug use would end my marriage. Period, I am no tolerance kind of gal.
However, for a lot of people pot is like drinking. Would I encourage a friend to divorce a husband who was drinking a lot. I do think pot can be smoked and nothing more come out of it. However the chances of her kids using extremely increase with a dad that uses.
If it were me, first I would start thinking about his job. He was able to stay clean when it was required by his job. So can he get a different job? Is there a chance this company will take up a random drug test policy?
And secondly I think I would have to sit down and have some ground rules at the very least. Like never in front of the kids, never when you are home alone with them, never when you are going to drive. Any breaking of those would have to be a deal breaker.
I think she at least needs to sit down with him and say, you know I think it is wrong and I think it makes you a crappy parent to do illegal things. I also think it sucks if you are willing to quit for a job but not for us.
And secondly I think I would have to sit down and have some ground rules at the very least. Like never in front of the kids, never when you are home alone with them, never when you are going to drive. Any breaking of those would have to be a deal breaker."
The thing is, *if* she sets those conditions, can she reasonably expect him to live by them and be honest with her? In my experience, drug users/abusers/alcoholics/whatever - lie. They lie to cover what they are doing. They lie so you don't nag them or fight about it. They lie to justify it. They fool themselves into thinking they are always in control and they try to convince everyone else they are in control. And because they think they are in control, they eventually think it's OK to do all those things while they are under the influence. But, they know they'll be *in trouble* for doing it, even though THEY think they were OK in that situation, so they lie about it.
And teenage kids will see the difference in him when he's high as opposed to when he's not. For one thing, pot usually gives you bloodshot eyes and the munchies or the giggles or what I call *the zone* - where they just sit and stare. Not to mention you can smell it, particularly if he has facial hair. Then there's the little burn holes in the shirts from popping seeds in a joint. There are very obvious signs that *I* could spot in a pot smoker. Some people become very animated when they smoke pot. Others become very mellow, or even sleepy. The excuse that *it relaxes him* is the same thing as if he had a few beers *to relax him*. It's still under the influence, whether he's working, hanging around the house, driving, caring for the kids.
And the chances of the kids making a choice to smoke pot or drink or other things DOES increase when there's a parent who does it. Just as it increases for kids to smoke cigarettes if they have a parent who smokes.
This is a tough one. I will say this though -*if* she gives him an ultimatim or sets down non negotiable conditions - she is going to have to be willing to stand by them and follow through on whatever she decides the consequence will be. Otherwise, she will be in for a lifetime of lies, broken promises and deceit, because he will know that she won't put him out for his drugs, that it was all *just talk*.
I have to say that I know a lot of adults that smoke pot on occassion and I feel about it the same way I would about someone drinking because it has pretty much the same effects as alcohol. I would not allow it around my kids (because unlike alcohol you can get a contact high), but I don't know that I would go as far as to end the marriage if it was kept it under control. I allow my husband to go out with the boys and have a drink on occassion, so I don't know that I would have a cow about him smoking pot on occassion either (although i know he would never do that because he grew up with a stepdad that smoked pot all the time and he hates it).
The biggest problem is if he is smoking around the kids or being around the kids right after he smokes because of the smell. I have a friend whose ex smokes pot all the time and she has associated this smell with her dad. The first time she was exposed to it by another teen (she is 16 now) she was absolutely horrified that her dad did drugs. This is something you might pass on to your friend, so she can explain to her husband who this could affect thier DKs.
Also, I am the same age as your friends husband and I know from experience that smoking pot does not always lead to other things. It is very relaxing and many people my age don't have issues with it.
Maybe your friend just needs to sit down with her husband and tell him how concerned she is for the kids and herself, due to the fact that it is illegal or whatever her reason is. Also, does he care if her DH drinks, because he might point out that it is very close to the same effect and why does she let him drink but has a problem with him smoking pot.
She might be able to talk to him about it when he has not been doing it and just let him know that if he is going to continue there has to be some rules. I have rules for my DH when he goes out drinking with the boys. 1) there is a limit to how much he can drink. 2) it he drinks more than 2 he has to stay out past my kids bedtime so he is not around them.
There are just somethings that you don't think of when you are doing something like that. Pointing out the reasons and not just telling him to quit is a better idea.. she should in no way tell him that if he cares he will stop, because if he is addicted then it will make things worse. It will make him do it more because he will get depressed that he can't stop and prove that he loves his family. He may need support and help not harshness right now. I know this because I used to have a drinking problem, but there was a reason behind my problem. I have a serious depression and I drank to cover it up most of the time. I was a very happy drunk. When I got this problem taken care of with medication I don't feel the need to drink at all. Also, I know one of the things that made me want to drink more was feeling like I was a bad parent, so I am not sure that saying he is a bad parent for smoking pot (I don't know all the circumstances, he might be) would be the best idea.
Another thing to think about is.. if she does decide to leave him because of him smoking pot what is she going to tell the kids? And is she going to allow him to see the kids? There is a lot more to this issue than you think about at first.
This is JMHO. I hope this helps a little. Good luck and (((HUGS)))) to your friend.
I would not tolerate it. It IS an illegal drug. I would sit down and discuss my feelings with him. He should take her feelings into consideration. There are a lot of ways to de-stress without resorting to drug use. The fact that she accepted him using it before, may make it difficult to convince him to stop now.
Good luck!
I do just want to add, that although I hear it has the same effect as drinking (wouldn't know). It is illegal. To me that is a pretty huge issue. I don't sneak candy into a movie theater because I believe in showing my kids how to follow rules
Ditto Yvonne!!! Smoking Pot is not the same as drinking. It's illegal. If a nosey neighbor smells pot and calls the police, I don't think it will matter if she is there or not; the children will be removed from the home. If she is there, no police officer in the world is going to buy her story that she isn't doing too. She needs to sit down and play out in her head what could happen worst case scenario.
People drink, but not necessarily to get drunk.
People smoke pot to get high. Period.
They ARE 2 different things.
If he uses it to relax, why couldn't he relax the way he did while he was working for a company that did drug tests?
I also ditto Kaye...it sounds like he's willing to quit for a job but not family? I would not let my DH treat me or my children that way.
She could have the children taken away...end of story.
I've been thinking about this one a lot. And I agree with Kaye. He didn't use an illegal drug for all those years because he might have lost his job. But now, when his job is not at risk but his wife asks him to stop, he says he won't. That says a lot about what is most important to him.
It's not a matter of "relaxing". As someone pointed out, he was able to relax just fine all those years he worked in a job where he was subject to random tests. He wants the high, the zone. It's the same kind of rationalization people use to justify getting high or zoned or "relaxed" on alcohol - he wants the feeling he gets and that feeling is more important than what his wife wants. Having the new neighbor doesn't help, of course, because now he's got a buddy who shares his desire for this high and will sympathize with him about his up-tight wife who doesn't understand him.
The kids will know. There is no way on earth they won't know. And her daughter and son, when they start smoking pot, are going to say - what's the big deal? Dad does it all the time. And then she'll be trying to make groundrules for 3 people.
I agree with Karen - you can make all the rules you want about when and where and under what circumstances, but if someone wants to do drugs or be involved in any other activity that you think is harmful to your marriage, they will do it when and where and how they want, without regard for the rules - and will tell you that your rules are "silly". It's a yes or no situation - either you don't or you do.
And, it is illegal. What happens when the parent of a schoolmate hears from the schoolmate that so and so's dad does drugs? Or if one of the daughter's or son's friends gets angry about something and calls the cops? These days, it doesn't take much for DHS to get involved, and I agree that whether she is home or not, if DHS finds out he is doing pot (and maybe other drugs) they will assume it is with her knowlege and consent even if she isn't using - and maybe there go the kids, off to foster care.
He may be a good worker, but he is not a good father. No good father would do drugs. There is no chance - NO CHANCE - the children won't find out sooner or later, and what kind of a role model is that? This is not a good father. This is a man who goes through the motions (like not using when he might get tested) but when he wants to do something he will do it and devil take the consequences. Except that he will not be the only one paying the consequences - his wife and children will also pay.
And, it is illegal. No matter what you may think about whether the use of marijuana by adults should be illegal (and I go back and forth on this all the time), the fact remains, it is illegal. He is choosing to break the law, no matter what one may think about the virtue of that particular law. He is modeling law-breaking for his children. He is willing to risk his marriage and is willing to risk that his children will use drugs because he is modeling drug use for them.
What should she do - *she* isn't asking me. But if she were, I'd tell her that if it were me I'd say - you can choose. You can get your relaxation by smoking pot or you can stay married to me, but you can't have both. And if you choose me, you stop being buddies with the new neighbor, because if you stay buddies with him it will be too easy for you to just sneak a joint here and there.
I've been a single parent, ending my marriage by my choice when my sons were 15, 10 and 9. It wasn't a lot of fun. In fact, it was often darn hard. My only regret is that it was necessary. I don't lightly say you ought to end your marriage, but I will say that for me this would be the deal-breaker, the marriage ender. Either pot or marriage, but you can't have both.
I agree with Ginny and everyone else. She has to make a boundry, a line. And he has to make a choice, in my opinion also. It is a HUGE red flag that, as Ginny said, he did not do it to keep his job but he will not stop for his wife and children. If they didn't have kids, ok, maybe. Here is FL its sooooo common for people to smoke. I don't agree with it or condone it. BUt if you are an adult without kids and you want to screw up, go for it. Kids change the whole deal, for me anyway. Yes, let DCF get a whiff of this situation and she's going to be in a big mess because they will consider her as accepting the behaviour.
Good luck to your friend.
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