Anybody live with a No-it -all?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2006:
Anybody live with a No-it -all?
Anybody live with a no it all? I am not talking about the kids. My spouse is a regular "no it all". It really bothers me, and I have told him. I suppose being a person who has always had low self-esteem does not help matters. It can be from the simpliest things, as I load the dishwasher. He will come behind me and "fix" the stuff he thinks I did not put in correctly. He never sais that is what he is doing, but I watch him. He thinks he knows more about everything, even the kids and medical issues. If the kids are sick, and I take them to the dr , I will come home and tell him what the dr said. He seems to think that the drs are wrong and he knows better. I often ask him where he got his MD degree.Even when I go to the dr, he thinks the drs did not do their job, that I should get more testing, or more meds or whatever. It is just not me, he is like it with the kids and thier medical issues. If I mow the grass, he stands and watches me, and comes behind me and "Fixes" what I did not do. If I throw things away, like old papers, junk mail etc.. He will actually pick through the trash to make sure I did not throw something important away. If I though old clothes with major stains away, or holes in it, he will take them out and say he will use them for rags in his garage. Yes, he picks through the trash a lot. He often wonders why I am upset, or I do not want to talk to him.
It is really hard to live with a no it all.
Now I know how my DH feels. I'm a "KNow it all".
Mine's not a "know-it-all" but he's NEVER wrong and NEVER makes mistakes. Even if I know for a fact something he's said is wrong it's not worth my time or energy to prove it to him because if I try and he does realize on some level he is wrong, he'll sulk and that's just SO not worth it. Also, since he never makes mistakes there are never any apoligies for anything--ever. That bugs me most, especially with the kids.  I feel for you. {{{{{Anon}}}}}
Anon, your comment about the dishwasher sure hit home with me! I am married to a know-it-all. (I am going anon as well, as he is also very controlling and often checks on my online activity.) My dh will reload the dishwasher after I have just loaded it. He is quite sure the dishes won't get clean if he leaves it up to me. He is also pretty uptight about how I do laundry. Lol, I also mow the lawn, but thankfully he does not watch me! I feel for you. My dh is at least somewhat descreet about "fixing" what he feels I didn't do right.
Anon, I suffer from low self esteem as well. My dh is a good guy, but moody and puts me down quite a bit. He is very critical about what I do, and is this way about most people. I find I hear his voice in my head daily putting me down even when he is not present. Goodness, yesterday I had to take the written driving test at the DMV to renew my license. The whole time I took the test I was shaking, and hearing and visualizing my dh shaking his head. The night before he was upset I decided not to read the whole manual cover to cover. I passed missing none. When my dh picked me up he was astonished I passed. And I thought to myself, how ridiculous. Why am I with this person.
I believe my dh suffers from low self esteem, as well. He did not get a lot of good messages from his parents growing up. So, it's the problem of trying to love someone else when you don't love yourself. At least this is my thinking. I wish I had some advice for you. And I apologize for going on about my situation. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I understand and send a hug.
One thing that helps me, is to pursue what I do well. I love to garden and have been told I have a green thumb. So I am out there every chance I get! Then I'm able to stand back and observe what I CAN do. And I try to stay objective. Easier said than done on some days. I think the hardest part for me is never getting compliments from my dh. Is this true for you, too? He never compliments me on my appearance or something I've accomplished. Now, I'm no beauty queen, but I know I'm not ugly, but it would mean the world if he would tell me I look pretty in a new outfit, or better yet hug me and tell me I'm beautiful. Now that would be really great.
Hugs to you, Anon. If you are like me, some days I just want to run away from it all and feel free.
My goodness! I would strongly suggest that both anons go for marriage counseling. Even if your DH won't go, you should. You need to be validated in your feelings and work on improving your self-esteem. No one deserves to be treated that way and it is a VERY unhealthy marriage to be modeling for your children...and they are watching and learning how to treat the opposite sex from what they are seeing between you and DH. Please get help.
Your DH should be your cheerleader, the one who believes that everything you do is RIGHT and wonderful (even when it isn't), the one who "has your back."
**Blushing** I'm the "know-it-all" in this house, but a lot of the time DH will admit that. Still, Pam is right, you should be each other's cheerleaders. I am more tenacious in many ways than my DH, but I'll push in a supporting way rather than try to make him feel stupid. (((Anon))))
It's not so much living with a know-it-all is that sometimes he acts like I don't have a brain cell in my head! LOL!
Or, he won't let me try to start the lawnmower, but will just come and do it for me!
Sometimes, I would just like him to let me try to fix something, before he jumps in and does it for me!
Yet, I know he married me, because I do have some brain cells between my ears! LOL! Gotta love him!
Anon #1, it sounds like a combination of a low self-esteem combined with obsessive-compulsive. I would have to say that I'm the know-it-all in my house but I'm nowhere near what your DH does. ((((((hugs))))) My sister's husband writes his initials in the dust to let my sister know when she needs to dust. I'd have to string him up and skin him if he were my DH. LOL
Anon #2, I definitely agree with pursuing what you do well, and good for you for doing that. (((hugs))) to you too. It's hard to live with a moody partner. I've worked with some moody people and if they came in with a bad mood, then you knew the whole day was going to be "lovely" (sarcasm). I'm sure it's like that at home too.
If you think your DH's would go for counseling, then I would definitely pursue that. If they won't go, then you should still go on your own to help boost your confidence. I'll admit that my DH & I had marriage counseling before. We grew up in completely different ways which affected how we did things when we got older. He thought his way was right & I thought mine was. We definitely clashed on a lot of things, but what made it worse was that DH did not like to apologize and he would rather have let things remain strained between us than to apologize. I am the opposite. I can't stand a wall between us so I was always the one to humble myself and apologize. That had to stop. Anyway, I could go on & on but we are good now and we are open to communication, which is great. Counseling was the best thing we could have done for ourselves and each other. Also, i suffered from a low self-esteem & still do to some extent, but counseling helped that a lot too. ((((hugs)))))
Thankfully my dh is not like this. But and some won't agree with this. It is somewhat passive aggressive. If he complains how I do things he may just find himself doing it! Same for me. But like I said he doesn't really do this. So I guess when he does do this on occasion out of character its easier for me to be frank about it. If it bothers you that much I agree counseling.
Wow. I can't imagine being married to someone like both Anons. You can never feel good about yourself (I don't care how much counseling you go to on your own) if you live with someone who is constantly putting you down (in whatever way that is). I don't see how you can ever be a happy person, and it certainly is NOT a good model for your children on how to treat ANYONE, let alone your spouse and the supposed "love of your life".
I ditto Pam and Crystal totally, but really if your DH isn't willing, I don't see how counseling can really help you if you're being bombarded with that same old crap every single day.
{{{Hugs to both Anons}}}
I am Anon #1, Honestly my spouse does not put me down. He always states he is trying to help me. For a long time, I did not do stuff. Like, mowing the lawn. I actually enjoy mowing the lawn. I just do not do it like he does. I take more time.He does it quicker and is more accurate. Where Im not that accurate, but I get the job done.
He actually compliments me a lot of different stuff. It is just when he comes behind me, and thinks he is right, I forget about those compliments. I know if I were a stronger person, it would not bother me as much.
I fight back/well argue about the stuff that goes on. So his know it all attitude does not go unnoticed. He tells me I do not talk to him a lot. He said he never knows anything. I never realized when that happened, it was just a gradual thing that I stopped telling him stuff.
Dawn... I had to laugh when you said your husband comes and starts the lawnmower, but you just rather do it yourself. That is how my husband is. He sais he is just trying to be nice and help me.Also with, I wish he would let me just try and do stuff with out jumping in and fixing stuff, or doing it himself to be nice. My husband does that too. I know he is trying to be nice, but after awhile it bugs me. I need to try new things to build up my confidence.
Anonymous above me, when I moved the lawn, earlier in the week, I had no trouble starting the mower. We just got a new one and it's easy to start! (Well, okay, I forgot to push the choke button, but after I did that, it started right away! The choke button is a new thing and we haven't had the mower all that long. It's hard to build a new habit, if you aren't allowed to try.)
My hubbys job is to make sure his"plant" runs 100% perfect. He spends several hours a day walking trhough trouble shooting, pointing out flaws etc. When we married, he would come home and do the same thing. Made things really fun at my house (hope you can hear the sarcasm).
Well I finally had to just explain to him that we only had a handful of choices. One being I won't do anything and he can do it all. Two being he can just shut up about everything. Or three we can be a team. We picked being a team thankfully. But the biggest point we learned from our conversation is this "different doesn't mean wrong". Quite honestly when it comes to loading the dishwasher, as long as they are in and it is run, it doesn't REALLY matter how they are in there.
I too had an issue with redoing things. Quite honestly I do cleaning better (and faster). But I have learned that I would rather have help. So I just let him be. It is hard though.
This really is an easy thing to fix, but it takes communication and willingness on both parts. YOu have to have a talk that you can both be honest without being attacking and then revisit this issue often.
I think I am anon #3...
I read the book 'The Five Love Languages' yesterday. It was a good read. I am not sure if it would help in the case of these 2 anons. But worth reading, if you havent already.
My Mom was this way, btw. We had to do things *exactly* like she showed us and not veer from that or she would re-do it. Or worse, she would make *us* re-do it. Really we grew up thinking that everything had to be done one way and there was no alternate way to do things. HER WAY or the wrong way. Pretty sad really. As an adult I realize that she had some control issues and low self esteem. If someone has control issues they most times have low self esteem issues. I married a man that is similar to my Mom in some ways. I am not the type to sit back and let someone treat me disrespectfully without speaking up for myself. I have let my dh know on several occassion if he doesnt think I did something *right* or *good enough* or if he see's something that isn't getting done... By all means, he can do it himself! ;)
IMO, you ladies need to speak up for yourselves. If you don't like the way your dh is treating you, tell him. My dh is a 'know it all' for sure. But after yrs of me pointing out what a jerk it makes him look like, he has changed a *little*. It was really bad when we first got together. He has many other issues and so do I. But in this dept he has figured out that I just won't tolerate, for example, someone telling me how to make *iced tea* when they dont have a clue how to make it themself. lol That's just ridiculous. And I let him know that.
If my dh's re-arranging the dishes in the dishwasher behind me, uhh, I am going to assume he is the better person for that job and let him do it from now on. But I am evil that way. Now on the other hand sometimes my dh actually *is* better than me at some things. Like getting spots out of the laundry. He seems to be pretty good at that. I am not. So it doesnt bother me to listen to how he wants his dribbles and stains treated before I wash his clothes. Most of the time he treats them himself and leaves them for me to wash. Which is perfectly ok with me.
As for being a green a thumb. I am not. My dh use to act very knowledgeable about landscaping and plant placements, etc... Because he worked in a nursery in the 70's. I certainly took his advice many times on diff things. However, after yrs of me planting things I now actually know quite alot. lol So I am now ok with going off on my own and doing landscaping without consulting with dh first. ;) The first couple of times he came home and I had landscaped an area he began to tell me negative things about it, because he felt he had no control... I pretty much let it go in one ear and out the other. He was incorrect in many of the ways he tried to correct me. I had done my research and had in depth discussions with the landscapers at the local nursery before I started my projects. So for everything my dh tried to tell me I had done wrong I was able to explain why I had done this or that. And he ended up complimenting me in the end and saying I had done a good job.
It's exhausting to live with someone like this!!!!!! It really is. And I feel for you ladies. You must be better women than me. Because if someone was correcting me on dishes or putting their initials in the dust on my furniture... They'd have the privilage of doing those chores from now on. I am just too mean and evil.
BTW, for yrs my dh wouldnt apologize for anything because he was always *right*. bla bla bla Now I insist he apologize to the kids and me. And he does. Like I tell him, I am raising boys that will be MEN one day. And I want them to know that it's ok to be wrong. It's ok to apologize for things. It doesnt make you less of a man. And you know what, sometimes we may not even fully understand why we need to apologize. But if we know that it will make someone else feel better that should be reason enough. That's jmo.
I don't mean to sound like a *know it all* or like my marraige is perfect and I have fixed all of our problems. It's fairly crappy right now and I have thoughts of ending it. We start back too counseling this week. I went to counseling *alone* 2 yrs ago (and I was able to get some tips on how to handle my dh better- so it was worth going alone.) because dh didnt want to go. Now *he* wants to go and I don't really want too bother with it. I'll go. I might learn something new. However, I have serious doubts that it will help my marraige. argh
((((HUGS)))) Anons!
My mom was kind of that way, too. Fold the towels a certain way, load the dishwasher a certain way. I'm way more laidback with my own family.
Sometimes, it's hard for me to watch DH fold towels, without all the edges even. If I take them upstairs, I probably will refold them, although, I guess it doesn't really matter. No one sees our cupboards anyway.
I certainly don't have a "certain" way to load the dishwasher. Every load is different. However the dishes end up in there, is how they go in. Although, sometimes I double-check after the kids do it and rearrange stuff, to get more in!
Dawn, my mom sounds like yours, even when I was doing all my own laundry, towels had to be folded a certain way, t-shirts a certain way, etc. Now I'm the one who has to have the towels folded "right", and all my clothes have to hang in a one direction. Good thing I married someone with OCD, although we can drive each other crazy with our "quirks" about things being done "right". LOL
(((Anon 3))) I hope counseling does help your marriage. We're in counseling too, because we have very similar personalities that tend to clash, it's not easy. I KWYM about apologies, it's important for the kids to see that it's ok to be wrong sometimes, and apologize when you've made a mistake.
I thought my husband could be a pain but after reading all of this I guess he's not that bad. He does annoying things such as if I have a pot boiling he has to "arrange" it, says I had it on crooked. I may have just stirred something cooking and leave the room for a minute. In the meantime he'll come by and tell me its burning. I'll state I was just there! I don't know what he's trying to prove. I can't mow the lawn, he'll never let me, says I'll hurt myself. For the last two years he drove me back and forth to work also picking me up for lunch even though we have two cars. The other one just sat in the driveway! Just a couple of months ago I got fed up with it all, especially in the mornings getting ready for work he would keep reminding me "keep your eye on the clock or you'll be late! I'm over 40 years old I think I know how to tell time. I guess theres always someone worse off. I understand your frustration though.
Wow. It occurs to me that a lot of us (meaning us, our spouses, people in general, etc.) either do things the way we were taught in childhood, or the way our parents did things, or BECAUSE ou parents did certain things a certain way, and that often, we think it's the *right* way simply because that is what we know. And in many (most) of these cases, it doesn't make a difference in the grand scheme of things, how it's done, as long as it GETS done.
Any successful relationship requires a bit of flexibility. I'll be the first one to admit that *I* am better at certain things, and my DH is better at others. It doesn't necessarily mean that either of us does those things exclusively in our marriage. But neither of us criticize or insult the other one for doing a particular thing differently.
I draw the line there. No one has the right to belittle or disrespect their spouse, certainly not for the way they do things. True, sometimes differences can be annoying, but it's a small thing! Life will go on if the furniture is dusty, or the dishwasher is run without a complete load, or a shirt is stained.
But if people cannot communicate in a marriage, they aren't even in the fight, much less winning the battle. I agree with Pam and others. I hope you ladies can follow some of the advice or suggestions above. Life is short - and one of my favorite sayings is *this is not a dress rehearsal*. You don't get a chance to do it over - so you need to make this one count!
I am sorry that you are all going through this. I know we all have our faults, but I would not put up with a man who has to make me feel small in order to make himself feel big. But again, it is a question of self-esteem. My message to the anons here is that you DESERVE basic consideration and respect from your spouse, and that if both you and your dhs have low self-esteem, then you have an unhealthy match. To save the marriage and provide a healthy model for your children to follow, counseling is probably the best.
I wonder, though- how do your dhs react when YOU genuinely compliment THEM on their jobs or their appearance. There has to be something good you can come up with to give them positive reinforcement on. If they never heard positive words when they were kids, what would it mean to them to hear positive words now? Has anyone tried that yet? Did it work?
I also agree that it isn't healthy to always be the one to end an argument by apologizing, as if to just keep the peace. Apologizing when you have done nothing wrong is fake, unhealthy and damaging. It only serves to continue to allow yourself to be belittled, and to artificially inflate his ego by allowing him to believe you were wrong and he was right once again. But men are horrible at admitting they are wrong. I think that goes for most men, even though with time and maturity some men get better at it. It is going to take communication to get him to understand that if it isn't okay for you to criticize him, then it isn't okay for him to criticize you. If he doesn't like to be made to feel inadequate, then it isn't okay for him to make you feel inadequate. As someone else here said, you need to take a stand. Your kids are watching.
Dr. Phil dealt with a couple with this issue about a year ago. The only difference is that the husband was verbally abusive and disrespectful to the wife.
Dr. Phil.com - Click on the slideshow "He tells her 'Shut your suckhole'"
Follow up- Click on the slideshow "Has Mike Changed his controlling ways?"
The only other explanation that makes sense is the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Obsessive means that if it doesn't get done the way they feel it has to get done, they will obsess about it until it is fixed. Compulsive means that there is no real sensible rhyme or reason for why something has to be a certain way, in their mind it just does. There may be something to that for the guys when they have to have the dishes, the laundry, or the lawn a certain way.
Best of luck to all of you. ((((HUGS)))))
I believe we all have something "anal" about ourselves. I guess we all believe our way is the right way. I can accept that. I can not accept that fact, that he thinks he is right about EVERYTHING... For example, he is really good with cars and computers. He can fix anything with these 2 items. Yet, because he is so knowledgable about that stuff, he "thinks" he knows everything, and is right about everything about all other areas of life. It gets tiring and embarassing listening to him talk to people about things he really does not know all that much about.
|
Members
