Sex question....
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2006:
Sex question....
Do you ever get annoyed when your spouse is interested in sex, and you are not? I understand not everybody has the same sex drive. Granted, that depending how your marriage is, people may give in more then other marriages.
I do not have such a hot marriage. I understand that when things are not going well in the relationship that sex is not always a high priority.
I have a lot of issues with that I am dealing with. I do understand that I have to get myself right, before anything else can be right. Last night my husband asked me if I was interested. I simply and nicely said no. A couple of minutes later, I picked up a stack a laundry, brought it upstairs and got into bed. He was still down here watching tv. About 20 minutes later, he came to bed(he never goes to bed early, only when he thinks sex is involved). He tried to kiss me, I turned my head(I was watching tv, and I already told him I was not intersted). He then proceeded to kiss my neck and suck on it. I remember when we were dating I enjoyed it. Now though, It was annoying the heck out of me. All the kissing and slurping noise was just really bothering me. I told him to stop. I waited a bit. I did not want to hurt his feelings, yet I did tell him I was not interested. He turned over and went to bed. Of course I felt bad. Then I laid there and dwelled on everything. I mean I was not interested. I did not lead him on. I hate feeling this way in a marriage. Like I said we do not have a good marriage. I am always honest, if nothing else.
So does it bother you when your spouse wants sex and you are not interested???
Yes it bothers me but to the point of sometimes I just don't want to and No should be good enough. I should not always have to be in the mood when he is. I am always tired and we are not sure as to why right now and he cannot understand when I really just don't want to.
If I tell him no he will get mad and sleep in the living room but oh well.
All I can say is I sympathize with you. I have BTDT as some people say. You cannot help how your mood it and making yourself will not make it any better.
Good luck.
That happens to us too but, my DH is an understanding person when it comes to that. This is just how I feel, if my DH really wants to and I don't, I offer to satisfy him in other ways, and he does the same for me. *giggle* I will admit that there are times when I don't want to be bothered at all, but I have a great husband(most of the time, lol) so if I say no to everything, then he just lets it go.
I can sympathize as well. DH and I have gone through some really rough patches, trust issues and such that made me completely uninterested in sex. He would make an attempt, I would turn him down, he'd get huffy and go to sleep, and it became a cycle of resentment. You mention not having the best marriage. Right now DH and I are reading "His Needs, Her Needs", it addresses this exact issue, with chapters for the husband and chapters for the wife. You may be interested in reading it, and if you can get your DH to as well it might really help. ((((Anon))) Believe me, you are not alone!
Ditto Sandysmom-My DH are the exactly the same.It should be ok to say no once in awhile.Sometimes I think I'm not in the mood but a little teasing will put me in the mood.I think a constant no will cause problems in the marriage he/she will start feeling unattractive and insecure and the whole vicous circle begins.I think the difference will always be mem are men and woman are woman.Woman are emotionally attached to sex.If I'm upset with DH he ain't gettin it.Men can do it anytime and any place they just want to do it. In a good marriage you're right you're DH would understand no and not get upset.I love to cuddle and so does DH,so when sex is not happening we love to cuddle.
In my house, it's more a stressed-out DH that's not interested and me the one who wants it! LOL! I just wait patiently and eventually, he comes around!
I'm with Dawn.
I think we have the opposite problem...I'm usually the one who is pursuing. Talk about a "Desperate Housewife"! 
But, if he does turn me down, I like to hear the words "Can I take a rain check? How about we try later on in the week? You look so beautiful, but I'm just so tired tonight."
I like to feel that we make time for each other in that sense.
I also feel that it's hard to feel close to a man if we aren't emotionally close. So, tell him how to "charm" you and *be specific*. It's so sad, but when DH does chores around the house without me asking, it's a turn on! How sad is that? LOL But, whatever turns you on, you need to share it with him.
It's funny because I told my DH I liked "dirty talk" and he thought of a WHOLE different spectrum than me! LOL I had to tell him that I liked it when he complimented me on a physical feature, and I had to give him an example. He *then* got the picture.
Just let him down easy and communicate, communicate, communicate. If you don't like what he's doing, tell him (at another time) that the whole sucking the neck thing worked when you were at a different stage in life, but that "such and such" would work better. And, tell him a way that you can show him that you're in the mood so he's not always asking and you're always denying.
And, sometimes...I'm not always "in the mood" to have sex, but sometimes I can be put in the mood after 10 minutes or so. Sometimes you just gotta "jump in".
Heidi - Crackin' me up!! I'm the exact same way! I'm *usually* the one huntin' down my DH for some lovin'. I love your Desparate Housewife...too funny.
I agree with Heidi totally. I think if you're not enjoying what he does, then you've got to communicate about you DO enjoy. Don't forget though, that will go both ways, so he might want to share something that HE likes/wants. It's a 2-way street.
For us, at least on my part (hee-hee), I don't think there have been too many times in our relationship when I've turned my DH down. I'm sure there have been a few times where I wasn't really in the mood, but again, DH and I have had extensive talks about sex over the years so he knows what I like. And yes, SOMEtimes you do just have sex with your spouse even if you don't feel completely like doing it. Just like anything else that you do for each other that might not be your first priority.
Oh, I agree about the housework being a turn on!
Much has been said about this subject on here, and I have strong feelings about it as well.
I feel that by and large we women today may not even be aware how we take our men for granted. How dismissive we can be toward our husbands and their needs. That mentality has become so commonplace in our culture that most women don't register it as unkind or thoughtless.
What our husbands are looking for is not just a romp in the sack. They are looking for love, approval, and validation. Sex isn't just important to men because it feels good. It also helps them to feel secure in their relationship with us, their wives. When we reject the sex, they take it as a rejection of them as husbands, as providers, as men.
It's just the way they are. Most boys start out their lives the same way, trying to gain the approval and win the love of their mommies, whether their bonds with their mommies are healthy or not. It transfers over to the wife (or should) and he now needs to gain approval of the job he is doing as a husband. Sex is the most intimate way to satisfy that need.
What I have found is that when we do what it takes to make a good man happy, it will come back to us in volumes. That is why I strogly suggest the book "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." It teaches women to master the fine art of inspiring their men to treat them with consideration and respect. This will end up producing a satisfying marriage.
The one disclaimer to the book is that it only works on GOOD men, not jerks.
Lisa, you make an excellent point, but your last line is key. I'm *not* saying Anon's DH is a jerk, but she does state they are not in a great place in their marriage. That takes work from both partners, so she feels the emotional connection needed to want to have sex, and he gets the sex he needs to feel loved and validated. It's such a common problem, and most men don't understand the woman's need for emotional connection, and women think men just want to get some, which only makes it worse.
Sex definitely makes me feel more connected to him and then one day, he mentioned that it helped him feel more connected to me, as well.
Sometimes, we can kindle a little fire, but just not go for the full monty. That's nice, too. Sometimes, he does it, in his sleep, and when I tell him later, he doesn't remember! Although, sometimes, it's enough to leave me frustrated and awake, though! LOL! We usually laugh about it later!
Ditto, Crystal.
I believe the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" was written by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I have to wonder if she ever wrote one for the men? After all, it takes a team effort.
After reading all responses what came to my mind was "how long have these couples been married?". To me that would make a big difference in respones? I have been with my DH for 25 years and can relate to definately NOT being in the mood and not wanting to be touched. Yes, it does make me feel guilty - sometimes I have to force myself to be in the mood. Not too often where I want it and he doesn't, sorry to say. But could be my age, 47? Depends on my mood. Had lab work just d one where dr. said my thyroid was abnornal, on the low side. Maybe thats why?
I think it is okay to not be in the mood sometimes. But the key here is how often that sometimes turns out to be. If it's more often then not, then it CAN turn into a problem. Everyone has the right to say, no not now occasionally, but when it is every time, or 3 out of 4 times, then I don't think it is okay. Not in a marriage.
I was very sick for a few years and had a perfect excuse to turn my husband away. And there were times that I felt like just saying no, and turning over. But I knew that once we started, I would get into it. And I thought, hey, this doesn't have to be marathon sex. What's 15 minutes, if that long? It's a small price to pay for the connection and the bond we feel. So I did, and I never regretted it.
It's kind of like that fake a smile thing. Fake a smile, and you'll really feel like smiling. And before you know it, you'll be smiling for real. Fake getting into it initially. I can bet you won't be faking after the first few minutes.
And, no, I'm not saying you should do this everytime, and not just for the husband. I strongly feel that sex is more than sex. I feel that it is very intimate, and bonds a husband and wife in a way nothing else can. I feel that if you start giving in when maybe you don't really feel like it, he'll see what you are doing and think wow, she's doing this for me, and emotionally, you will probably be rewarded, also.
Be open with him, let him know that the kissing and sucking doesn't work with you. My husband knows that sometimes I just don't want to kiss. Period. I just don't have the energy, or it's bothering me for some reason. That's fine with him.
There's a lot of times that I don't think I am in the mood, but I start coaxing myself, my way of thinking, and talk myself into getting into the mood for myself and my husband. It really has done a lot for our relationship. It makes my husband feel better about me, himself, and our relationship, and in turn, it makes our relationship better.
We have been married 18 years. I'm 46 and DH is 47. I've usually been happy with the quality, but sometimes the quantity could be better!
LOL Nicki, I am not sure I'd trust anything that woman says, I'm NOT a fan!!
Ditto Crystal, again!
I can't stand Laura S. either! Whenever I hear her I just think "WHATEVER!"
I am not here to defend Dr. Laura, but I have read her books, listened to her radio show, and followed her advice. My marriage today is ten times better than it was 3 years ago. Go figure.
Interesting, Crystal. You thought my point was a good one. Everything I said in my post has come from what I have learned from "that woman."
After reading these posts I did a google search on her books. Sounds like some of the things she says make sense. Maybe I'll see if at the library.
I personally don't like Dr. Laura. Yes she has good advice on some things but I have heard her radio shows and she really can cut someone to the core. A lot of the women who phoned in were talked down to, hollered at, and just not treated with respect. I believe you should treat others as you would want to be treated and if anyone ever treated her like she treats others, she would probably be having kittens by now. Sometimes you do have to be firm to get your point across, but she crosses the line. I couldn't stand to listen to her anymore. She's mean. Someone mentioned a book called the Five Love Languages on a different post and I've also heard others rave about it. They have it on audio and I'm thinking of getting it just for the sake of seeing what it's all about.
Lisa,
I dislike Dr. Laura for many reasons. The point you made is one not only made by her, but MANY psychologists and psychiatrist, especially those who specialize in sex and marriage counseling. It's one that is heavily discussing in the book I mentioned earlier, "His Needs, Her Needs", which is, interestingly enough, written by a male psychologist, but puts heavy focus on the husband making sure he's meeting the wife's emotional need before expecting sex. I agree with Sandy the Dr. Laura is disrespectful, condescending, and just plain ignorant more times than not, but hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day. (And Lisa, I in no way mean that as offense to you, Dr. L is a very right wing conservative, and very controversial. If you feel she has helped you, I think that's wonderful, and all that matters! )
Sandy, do get "5 Love Languages". So many members here RAVED about it, I wish I had picked it up sooner!!
Fair enough!
And no, I wasn't offended by you. I knew very well that she would be controversial. That's why I never mentioned that she wrote the book.
|
Members
