I am so irritated with my life. I know I shouldnt vent on here, but I need to get it out. I am going to go anon- but many of you should know who I am. ;)

My dh isnt ever going to stop with the stupid fibs. It is at a point where I am mentally worn out and physically worn out dealing with it. Every time he does something behind my back he says it's my fault he had to lie. What it boils down too is if he knows I wont agree with him on something he will do it behind my back in order to do what he wants to do. If that al makes sense... The latest issue had to do with mil and a purchase. Its a long story. But basically I am just tired of how dh does me.

The other latest issue is with an old gf of his. I asked him too stop communicating with her the 1st yr we were married. Long story there too. Anyway I figured out this last weekend that he had her number stored in his phone under a fake name. Dont ask how I figured it out. LOL But I called the number and sure enough it was not Bob's answering machine (had it listed under Bob) it was his old girlfriend. Sure as far as I know she is married with kids... But the point here is that he has still been communicating with her after I asked him too stop 7 yrs ago. He just kept doing it behind my back in order to do what he wanted to do. He basically tells me I am a control freak and there is no reason he cant check in with her from time to time and no reason she cant call him at his office to *catch up*. He tells me I have problems and that other wives would have NO PROBLEM with this. Ok, I guess that may be true, but I am not other wives I am his wife. I asked him if these phone calls and the lost trust were worth his wife and his little boy... He turned it around on me as usual and said he couldnt believe I would choose to throw away our life over this and I needed to get over it basically....

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ok thanks I feel better now getting it out. LOL

He drives me crazy. My Dad thinks he is trying to push me into divorcing him. Instead of him going to file.

By Imamommyx4 on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:09 am:

It may be that he is just a royal bonehead, but...

I wouldn't like it. Wouldn't like it one little bit. Yes, I believe opposite sex can be JUST friends, but I know from personal experieince and from closely viewed experience that it can turn into something else ever so quickly. Dh and I have an agreement that we should not even give the appearance of impropriety. Meaning if we have a friend that is of the opposite sex, that's fine but it should always be in a group setting with spouse involved. And for you, we're not talking about an old friend, but an old girlfriend. Hate to add fuel to your fire, but I'd be angry, too.

By Crystal915 on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:11 am:

(((Anon)))I would, and HAVE, gotten upset about the same thing. I don't see much reason to keep in contact with old GFs, and I don't keep in contact with my old BFs. I'm guessing he'd be pretty angry if you were talking to an old flame behind his back. Anyway, sorry you are going through this, many hugs!!!!

By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:50 am:

deleted

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 12:03 pm:

I think I know who you are.......

Your DH is a master manipulator. Sorry, but it's true! And he proves that by trying to make YOU responsible for all of his dishonest actions.

I don't know what to tell you. You know what your choices are.



{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

By Tink on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 12:11 pm:

I think Karen nailed it but it's still an awful thing to have to deal with. I'm pretty sure there's nothing you can do to change it so you're going to have to live with it or move on. I completely understand your need to vent. I'd be losing my mind over trying to deal with the manipulation and his underhanded way of dealing with things and sometimes you just have to let it all out somewhere. I hope that somehow this is all resolved in a way you can live with.

{{{Anon}}} (but I know who you are)

By Sunny on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 12:21 pm:

(((anon)))

I don't know what to add. I think Karen's right and I'm sorry you're in this situation.

By Crystal915 on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 12:50 pm:

If he's "like a brother" why do they feel the need to communicate behind your back?? Karen really said it best. Again, many hugs!!!!

By Sandysmom on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 01:00 pm:

I understand about the whole MIL thing. I was 18 when DH & I started dating and his mom was a real "pill". When things got more serious, I just laughed it off and made all the "in-law" jokes. But after some time went by, I began to see that it wasn't funny but by that time, I was already emotionally invested and young & stubborn enough to just hang on even though it was taking its toll emotionally. That is when I began to have real bad panic & anxiety attacks. I wasn't mature enough to take up for myself and too much in love to let go. After DH & I were married for a while, I confronted my MIL in a letter and just let it all out. Thankfully, she responded in a positive way and our relationship began to heal. It took a while, but we did the work and now we are friends. But, I know that I'm blessed. A lot of times, MIL & IL issues linger on and leave wounds in the marriage. Sorry I am going on and on. I wanted you to know that I do sympathize with you and can relate.

As far as DH communicating with an old girlfriend, I definitely would not go for that. To me, that's a dealbreaker, especially if he was asked to stop a long time ago. You are his wife and his loyalty should reside with you & the children. Don't allow him to twist things around in your mind making you second guess yourself and what you feel is right. Don't allow him to make you feel like you are the crazy one and not him. That is just his way of having his cake and eating it too along with a side of guilt on your behalf. Stick to what you know is right and don't compromise on this.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 01:05 pm:

If your dh is trying to make you the one to file for divorce because he believes that will put you at some disadvantage, he is sadly mistaken.

If Karen knows you and dh and makes that judgment, I trust Karen's judgment.

I suggest you start preparing, just in case. Make copies of all financial records, including tax returns, credit card accounts, bank accounts, pension accounts, insurance, property and car deeds and titles, and get them into a safe place - preferably with a friend you trust. And start asking around for a really good divorce lawyer, preferably one who tends to work best on the woman's side of a divorce. Start a diary of these kinds of incidents.

You may not need any of these things, and I sure hope you don't, but I think you will.

I agree with everyone else. When he lies, it is because he wants to lie, not because you make him lie. If you have low self-esteem, it is because he and his mother and his former girlfriend are doing everything they can to make you feel like dirt, like the person who is to blame for everything - when what you are is a woman who is doing her darndest to act with self-respect and respect for her marriage, her spouse, and their family.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 01:06 pm:

Oh, and yes, you *should* vent on here. That's part of what this board is about - a safe place to vent with people who will listen and care.

By Sandysmom on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 01:38 pm:

Ditto Ginny, but I would open a safe-deposit box in just your name and keep it to yourself. I've heard of too many instances where women got their friends involved and it all turned out ugly in the end. It is important to have people in your life who you can confide in, but I would'nt mention about legal stuff yet, not unless you were very sure they would remain loyal to you. And you do have us.

By Debbie on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 01:57 pm:

{{{hugs}}} I think I know who you are.

Your dh is definitely a manipulator. No one makes you lie. Most people that constantly lie, blame everyone else. And, he is kidding himself if he thinks any other woman would be happy about him keeping in contact with his ex. The biggest red flag is that you asked him not to and he is doing it behind your back. He is being very disrespectful of you and your feelings. He is also instigating the problems with your MIL by complaining and whinning to her. The only reason his mother is an issue is because he lets her be one!

I don't know what to say. Definitely vent here when you need too, that is one of the many things we are here for. If you're who I think you are, this is one of many incidents with your dh. It doesn't sound like he really cares or wants to change. So, the big question is can you live like this? Oh, and I had a fiancee that was too chicken to call things off, he was also a master manuipulator. He did some awful things, so I would call off the wedding. Of course, at the time, I didn't realize it. Now, looking back, I definitley see it. {{{{hugs}}}

By Tripletmom on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 02:00 pm:

Ditto Everyone above-I'm sorry you are dealing with this (((HUGS))) Take one step at a time and do what is right for you and you're kids.Change and the unknown can be scary.You have support system here and just start doing things and prepare you're self slowly.I'd have low self-esteem also if I had a DH playing games like yours.Once you go in the right direction and make up you're mind you'll feel so much better.You have to start taking control.Hes gained so much control that its actually unhealthy for you and you're kids.(((HUGS)))You've taken the 1st step by talking about it and not being in denial which is the most difficult step.You are much stronger than you think.Again I'm sorry(((HUGS)))

By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 05:44 pm:

You are all correct. It isnt going to change and I know it. I have known that for a long time now, I guess.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 06:03 pm:

Anon, have you, personally and individually, gone for counseling? If you haven't, I urge you to find a way to do that. Counseling will help you find out what you want to do, and how you want to do it. It will help you sort out your priorities, and help you get a better image of yourself.

By Crystal915 on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 07:34 pm:

Last anon, you just hid behind the anon feature to call the OP names, that's just inappropriate. Nothing in your post is personal therefore it violates our anon posting rules. And to be frank, I think what you posted was cowardly and rude. You do not know anon, and calling her nit-picking, controlling, and demanding is uncalled for. Many of us would feel hurt by our DHs lying to us, and keeping in contact with an old flame behind our backs. I don't think that makes any of us any of those things.
To the anon before that, I agree to a CERTAIN extent, having dealt with infidelity in my first marriage, and trust issues in my current one. However, this is a respect issue, and there is never any excuse for lying. Think about what we teach our children, lying is wrong. Period.

The post Crystal refers to was removed for improper use of Anonymous. Moderator

By Debbie on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 08:04 pm:

Anonymous, I am not going to throw anything at you. . I just totally disagree with you. Noone can "make" you be unfaithful. If you don't like the way your relationship is, or the way you are being treated, then you need to work on fixing it. To me, someone saying they cheated because their spouse nagged them, didn't treat them well, etc. is just an excuse. Also, I think anonymous has more of an issue with her spouse lying, then anything else. She is not making him lie or go behind her back. He is choosing this behavior all on his own.

And, to the last anonymous, I agree with Crystal, if you are going to attack the OP, then stand behind it!

By Sandysmom on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 08:08 pm:

Part of being a grown-up means that you do the right thing despite your circumstances. Regardless of what anon does or doesn't do & I personally believe that whoever she is, she is just trying to do her best, it does not give her DH a license to communicate with an ex-girlfriend behind her back or conspire with his mother to get what he wants. If DH finds the things she does driving him crazy, then he needs to be a man and confront her,and not seek out destructive things that can not only hurt his wife, but also his children. Anon, I would go for counseling, but it sounds like your DH needs to grow up a little. ((((hugs to you, sweetie)))))

By Yjja123 on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 08:26 pm:

It sounds like this is an issue that has been ongoing. You need to make some decisions for your OWN well being. There has been a lot of great advice on here. It will be up to you to decide how much longer you will tolerate his behaviour. It is unacceptable for your husband to be in contact with any woman that is not family. That is just my opinion, but I would never let my hubby get away with that... Nor would he be accepting of me keeping in contact with male friends. I hope you seek counsel for yourself. You deserve better!!!! You can vent away here anytime. The women on this board are so kind and compassionate.

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 08:48 pm:

OK, I did not see all the responses to this thread at the time something inappropriate was apparently posted, and then edited. Attacking a member - any member - for any reason is not allowed, so that in itself would have been reason for removal. Since I did not see the inappropriate remarks, I can't make that call. But the use of the anonymous feature in that particular reply was inappropriate, so that reply has been removed. Please refrain from commenting on it, or to that anonymous poster, on the board, as it is no longer on this thread.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, June 1, 2006 - 12:13 am:

Three posts have been removed from this thread because someone other than the original anonymous poster used the Anonymous function to post criticism of the original Anonymous. Members should be aware that repeated misuse of the Anonymous function can result in the Moderators taking steps to identify the person doing so and removing posting privileges.

As one poster above noted - "if you are going to attack the OP, then stand behind it!" - with your username.

By Anonymous on Thursday, June 1, 2006 - 11:02 am:

deleted

By Sandysmom on Thursday, June 1, 2006 - 11:24 am:

Vent away!!!!! That's what we are here for.

By Sandysmom on Thursday, June 1, 2006 - 11:30 am:

There is something I'd like you to do. Order a copy of yours & DH's credit report. If he takes care of all the bills, then on the credit report, it gives you a rundown of what is outstanding and with what creditor. Knowledge is power! I've known couples to take out loans w/o their partner knowing about it and opening new credit cards too & running up a high balance. I wouldn't be surprised if he has more going on than what you know. Also, do you think he checks this site?

By Cocoabutter on Thursday, June 1, 2006 - 11:53 am:

Okay, I will admit that I was one of the anons (but I'm not saying which one! ) and I knew it wasn't right to do it. I got carried away. It was a momentary lapse of my sanity and I will never let it happen again.

Secondly I was apparently wrong. You are most likely married to a man for whom there appears to be no hope. There is most likely nothing you can do to change yourself to improve him or your marriage. The kinds of changes that I would suggest (more sex, more polite, less bit--y) would only work on a good guy, not on a jerk such as you have described.

So what kind of a guy was he when you met him?

The only thing I would ask you to change about yourself is to be mindful of the person you are becoming as a result of all that you have had to put up with. Don't allow this to make you a bitter person. Instead think of yourself as a strong woman who is facing great adversity and will come out on top. You know what you have to do. Show your kids a good example of what a woman does when she is in a bad situation.

And, if it wasn't already mentioned, go to the health department and get tested for aids and std.

I guess what I sometimes do when women are on here venting is to try to help them fix it when all they want is someone to listen. I tend to forget that I really don't know all of the ins and outs of the person's life who needs to vent. That is a flaw I should work on, I guess. I also think that all too often we women tend to take our hubbys for granted, and when they pi$$ us off, we just lose all perspective of what's really important.

By Crystal915 on Thursday, June 1, 2006 - 12:02 pm:

Anon,
The things your describe are forms of abuse. You've already gotten excellent advice, and I think you are moving in a positive direction. We're here for you, and if you ever need to chat off the boards my email is in my profile. ((((HUGS))))

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, June 1, 2006 - 12:17 pm:

Ditto Crystal. And I just posted something recently about people who constantly lie (I think THIS was the thread, if you want to check it out.

By Tripletmom on Thursday, June 1, 2006 - 12:31 pm:

Ditto Crystal-You sound much stronger and know which direction you will be going.I applaud you.Some women just waste years hoping it will change.Good for you!!! I'm proud of you.You and you're kids come first,I know you know that now.A relationship of convenience is not healthy for anybody.

By Tayjar on Thursday, June 1, 2006 - 12:54 pm:

Can I just say I commend you for your behavior? You are taking the high road in this. I would have already taken DH to the cleaners and told MIL off in a way that would left her in a puddle of tears at her dear little son's feet. As for the ex-GF, don't even ask me about that one. This is why I don't offer advice on these situations. I am waaaayyyy toooooo vindictive. It's a character flaw, I know.

Vent away. We're here for you. You have received alot of good advice. Only you can decide if you want to remain in this relationship. Big hugs and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You sound like a strong and wise person. You know in your head what you should do, but your heart is saying something totally different. It's hard to get those two to agree sometimes.

By Colette on Thursday, June 1, 2006 - 01:19 pm:

(((anon))) However you handle this, I hope that it makes your life and your children's lives happier.