I found out that over the past week he'd been contacting his old girlfriend from HS (he graduated 10 years ago) and telling her he loved her, and they would be together again one day. He had told me she contacted him and I thought nothing of it, because who is concerned with an old flame from over 10 years ago?! However, he started treating me like crap, and being a jerk to the kids, so I did a little snooping, and found a 4 (printed) page IM conversation telling each other how much they love each other and always have, and one day things will bring them together again, because fate brought them together now. She lives in another state, but he was telling her he'd take her to places that were special to US, and show her the places that were "home" to him now that he's moved away. I've never been so hurt by anything in my life. We have a counseling session this afternoon to "work on things" but he expects me to take some responsibility for his actions, and I just can't do that. I have never even thought of telling another man I love him and want to leave my husband for him, so how am I to blame in all of this? The most horrible part is I called my parents to see if I could move me and my small children home (halfway across the country), and my mom told me no. My husband's brother actually offered me a place to stay, as well as my best friend, but both live halfway across the country as well. I'm out here all alone, and most of my friends say I should just leave him and not look back, but it's not that simple. If I didn't love him it wouldn't hurt like it does. I cried and vomited all night the night I found out, and have basically not stopped crying since then. He keeps saying "Well, you threw me out!!" but he refused to admit any wrong until after he'd been kicked out. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here with my kids saying "I love Daddy, but Daddy isn't coming home anymore, we miss Daddy." and I don't even know what to say to them. He doesn't seem to even accept full responsibility for the things he's done, this wasn't the only contact he had with her, he was also talking to her on the phone and by email and text message. I'm just devastated. I'll post again after the counseling session, but I'm not sure what we expect to accomplish in 40 minutes. Thanks for letting me vent.

By Tink on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 12:51 pm:

{{{{{{Anon}}}}}} You'll be in my thoughts. I'm so sorry that you've had your world ripped to pieces like this.

By Reds9298 on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 01:08 pm:

{{{Anon}}} I'm just sick for you and I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. Lots of hugs.

By Tunnia on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 01:14 pm:

{{{{{Anon}}}}} I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

By Tripletmom on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 01:14 pm:

(((ANON))) I'm really sorry you have to go through this.Its easy for people to give you advice but this is a personal disicion that will effect you and you're family.Go with you're heart.If you could forgive him,counselling will benefit you and might make you're relationship stronger.Nothing will heal until he steps up to the plate and admits he messed up without blaming you.Do not get into the relationship for convenience.You'd rather be lonely by yourself than be lonely with someone.(((HUGS)))

By Trina~moderator on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 01:15 pm:

(((((HUGS and prayers))))) What a nightmare! I'm sorry this is happening to you and the kids. We're here for you!

By Kym on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 01:32 pm:

We are here for you to offer support and a soft place to come to. Please keep us posted and know we are all aching for you.

Lots of hugs and strength

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 02:06 pm:

Wow, i'm sorry. I can only imagine the hurt and betrayal you must feel right now. The only way this can begin to resolve is by him admitting his guilt without blaming anyone else and wanting to work things out. I hope he realizes what he's done. (((HUGS))) Let us know an update when you can.

By Melanie on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 02:12 pm:

((((HUGS)))) I am so sorry. What a horrible nightmare. We are here for you any time. My heart just aches for you.

By Bellajoe on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 02:29 pm:

(((ANON))) I am so sorry you and your kids have to go thru this. How hurt you must feel.
Please know that we are here for you whenever you need to talk.

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 02:36 pm:

{{{HUGS}}}

By Truestori on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 02:39 pm:

Anon,

I hope that this can be resolved peacefully. You are in my thoughts, and I hope he can realize what a loving wife he already has. Many ehugs, take care of yourself.

By Debbie on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 03:04 pm:

{{{hugs}}} You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Please keep us updated on how you are doing!

By Sandysmom on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 03:05 pm:

(((((((hugs)))))))))))) I'm so sorry this is happening. We are here for you, you know that. I'll be praying.

By Sandysmom on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 03:08 pm:

scott dot family4 @ verizon dot net if you need to talk.

By Conni on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 03:10 pm:

Oh geez, aren't some men just the dandiest? You are in a very frustrating situation that you shouldnt have to be in. Hopefully the counseling will help.

Good luck to you. Sorry you are having to go thru this.

((((HUGS))))

By Imamommyx4 on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 03:41 pm:

Oh my word! That hurts my heart for you. I can't even imagine how you feel. Hugs and more hugs!

By Colette on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 04:20 pm:

(((anon))) You are doing the right thing. You have not done anything wrong, so don't let him make you feel like you have. I am sorry you are so hurt and I hope the counseling session helps.

By Cat on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 04:22 pm:

{{{{{anon}}}}} We're here for you.

By Cybermommyx4 on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 04:28 pm:

{{{HUGS}}} So sorry to hear that you're going through this. I cannot imagine how much this is tearing you up inside. Just remember it's NOT YOUR FAULT (I watch a LOT of Dr. Phil ;) and your DH needs to take responsibility for what he has done to your family and your relationship. I hope the counseling session is helpful to you both, and you and your precious children will be in our prayers!

By Vicki on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 04:37 pm:

I am so sorry you are going through this. Thoughts and prayers for you and your kids.

By Tayjar on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 04:42 pm:

Oh, honey, big hugs for you and your children. Please don't let him make you believe it's your fault. It's not. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Vent away if you need to.

By Amecmom on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 05:47 pm:

I am so sorry you are going through this. There are no words we can say to take away your hurt.
Ame

By Hlgmom on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 06:59 pm:

I am so sorry and will be thinking of you.

By Beth on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 07:15 pm:

I hope that things go well at the counseling session tommorrow. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 08:54 pm:

Well, the counseling today session went horribly, but we talked afterwards and made some progress. He's coming over tonight to help put the kids to bed, and possibly stay the night to talk some more. Apparently, we're having trouble showing each other we're appreciated and loved, and he admitted he only manipulated her into telling him she loved him and etc to make himself feel better, boost his ego. We have a long road ahead, but I think we can work through it if we really try and continue with counseling. Funny thing is we've read The 5 Love Languages, but we mistook his secondary love language as his primary, and he's not very good at speaking mine without receiving instant recognition for it (which obviously defeats the purpose). We've both accepted our mistakes, and are working on TELLING each other when we're feeling neglected rather than shutting down or attacking the other person. I'll update as things progress, in either direction. Thank ALL of you for being here for me. It means more than words can express.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 08:59 pm:

I should add that he DID admit it was wrong, and selfish, and that I'm not to blame. If we were communicating our needs better perhaps it wouldn't have happened, and he's admitted he needs to work on TELLING me when he needs something from me, rather than expecting me to read his mind, or him just shutting me out. He is coming around, and I am accepting my parts in the events leading up to this, so I guess that is a start. The strange thing is we couldn't get any of that accomplished at the therapist, it wasn't until afterwards that we talked alone and these things started coming to the surface.

By Colette on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 09:02 pm:

(((anon)))

By Insaneusmcwife on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 10:05 pm:

{{{{Hugs}}}} I hope things work out for you.

By Sandysmom on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 10:32 pm:

I was thinking about you a lot after I read your posting and one thing keeps popping up into my mind. He graduated 10 years ago. I remember when my 10yr HS anniversary came around. It was like a huge landmark for me and I couldn't help but wonder what happened to me during that time. I got married, adopted our DD, went through minor issues with family (in-laws) as well as DD's biological family, and I was in a job that I absolutely hated. I couldn't believe how much a person's life can change and how much we have to grow up in a relatively short time. I embraced marriage & motherhood, & tolerated my job, but when my 10yr reunion came aound, which I did not go to, I admit to remembering the feeling of being so carefree and having no commitments or responsibilities. I did kind of throw myself a pity-party, for about a day and then I went on. Guys especially, I think, especially if they were hard partiers(sp?) may have a hard time when they reach that milestone. Do you think that could be it or maybe a small part of what he is feeling. You know, job, wife, kids, mortgage, bills, etc........................... A lot of growing up happens in those first ten years. For some, it could be a bit overwhelming. IN NO WAY, am I trying to explain away what he was doing. There was no call for that and you & the kids have been really hurt. It was wrong and that is all there is to it. I was just thinking, that's all. I hope you are talking more and working things out. You can't just slap a band-aid over a wound like this. Don't give up on counseling, at least it sounds like it opened up communication even if it was afterwards. ((((((((hugs))))))))) remember that I posted my e-mail above if you need to talk.

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 11:54 pm:

My heart sank for you when I read this post. I'm so proud of you for kicking him out though...that took a lot of guts, especially when your kids want explanations. I'm a firm believer in that no woman should ever apologize for her feelings.

Have you contacted the girl yet? I think she also needs to take some responsibility too...she knew he was married. She needs to know how her actions have affected your whole family. I would also tell her that it is completely unnecessary for her to contact him ever again. It sounds like they're both very insecure. But, again, she needs to know that you're standing up for yourself and your family. Plus, it's easy to say "I love you" when you haven't seen each other in over 10 years...how much trust would SHE have in him if he actually did leave you for her? She doesn't sound too smart, hate to say.
I'm so sorry you got sick over this too...ugh.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 24, 2006 - 08:56 am:

I went thru several similar things. To be honest I really have a hard time staying in my marraige at this point. Some days it seems like the grass is so much greener you know? lol I will probably get blasted for those comments, but I dont care...

My dh wanted to remain email/phone call at work buddies with his old flame of 6 yrs. She was married and did have kids, they probably would have never had an affair or anything- but they were certainly playing a game behind my back. I did send her an email and told her she was wrong and so was dh and they better put a stop to it. I let her know she was only making life hard for my dh now that I knew what game was being played behind my back, etc... I reminded her we had a child on the way (i was prego)... SHE had the balls to send me a 6 paragraph email telling ME that I needed to work on my LOW self esteem, they were JUST friends and then she proceeded to tell me about all her struggles in her life and try to make me feel sorry for her. I never bothered to email her back, I told dh about the email and told him to tell her NICE TRY!!!!!!! But I am not stupid and I have enough SELF ESTEEM to fight for whats right and whats wrong, etc...

For all I know they are still best buddies behind my back this was yrs ago. lol I dont care. I lost alot of respect during that time for my dh and realized what a liar he is.

I HOPE that you can work things out. I know that things will never be the same for you after this. You will always remember it. Hopefully you and he can learn something from it and move on.

By Juli4 on Wednesday, May 24, 2006 - 10:34 am:

The grass is only greener over a sess pool

By Sunny on Wednesday, May 24, 2006 - 10:54 am:

I'm really sorry to hear this is happening.
You do what is best for you and the kids - whatever happens. (((hugs)))