I know some of you have had to go through the pain of a death in this instance. Others, the pain in mileage separation.
I guess I'm just really depressed about not "having" my mother around since really about the 10th grade. She started showing her schizophrenia and inability to manage money. After that, she lost our house and was homeless for years.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm depressed because my mother is only 5 minutes away and I just feel like I need her. Yet, she is more needy than my own toddler. It sound so selfish, but when I talk to my cousin, she is always telling me how her mother takes her kids and helps out with them, etc. And, especially since Scott has been deployed, I have felt overwhelmed. She wasn't there to help me when he was born and I almost feel like if she took better care of herself then she wouldn't be in this predicament. (She's had a few strokes due to high blood pressure in which she refused the medication for. And, she *never* exercised...always ate fast food.)

And, now, I feel so needy myself. Having a mother that's been needy for so long (at least 12 years...borrowing money from people, moving from home to home), I just told myself I never would be that way.

It's just hard being so far away from family. And, while I have a really good neighbor who goes to my church to help me with Connor, that only gives me 2 hours out of the house without Connor. And, that time is spent taking my mother somewhere...she has been trying to make me feel guilty if I don't take her out of the nursing home often. I do it at least 3 times a week, and I visit her every day.

Thanks for letting me cry and vent...I'm just so depressed. I just really miss my mom.

By Marcia on Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 09:23 pm:

I miss my father, who we lost last February, more than words can explain. I would give anything to have time with him again!!

Sorry you're feeling so down about your mom.

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 09:43 pm:

My parents lived 200 miles away, when my kids were babies. So, they really haven't been able to help that much. Then we moved and they were only about 75 miles away. We saw them more and once they did babysit. Now, they live 2.5 hours away. So, we just never get that close! LOL!

It seemed they were always able to help my sisters out more, because they were just geographically closer. We enjoy my parent's company, when we see them, but it's just not that often.

So, I suppose at times we do miss them.

By Reds9298 on Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 10:21 pm:

It's strange because I'm the opposite, but your post makes me think. We have always been geographically close to our parents, and with every passing year they drive me more and more crazy. Your post makes me think that I should appreciate them more (both sets of parents), because I do use them to babysit once a week while I work, and occasionally for dates with DH. I should be more grateful that I'm able to do that, so you have inspired me Heidi.

{{hugs to you}} I can't imagine how difficult this has all been for you. I'm thinking about you!

By Paulas on Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 10:44 pm:

I certainly know how you feel. I lost my mom 3 months after I got married and felt she never really had the opportunity to see me as a "grown up" with a husband and kids. My dad has been gone for 5.5 years as well. I miss them dearly each day.

So many times I would like to pick up the phone and ask my mom how to make something, or about my adolestant years, or what to do about something. I would love to talk to my dad daily like I used to.

Okay, I'm going to cry now

By Cat on Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 11:13 pm:

{{{{{Heidi}}}}} I haven't lived near my family for 16 years now and although I talk to my mom on the phone at least a few times a week, I still miss her tremendously. It's never the same as being right there. It really is hard when people all around me have family here they spend holidays with, go out to dinner with, to watch their kids and go to school functions with and I don't have that. It's so great when my mom visits here or we go there, but it's never enough time. I'm also very fortunate to have a great relationship with my mil and fil but we don't see them nearly enough. They're getting too old to travel and it's SO expensive for four plane tickets. What makes it even harder is dh doesn't understand. His family isn't close so he doesn't understand my need for my family, especially my mom. He thinks my brothers are the biggest idiots in the world (granted, they DO do some pretty stupid things!) but I still love them! My dad's been gone for 9 1/2 years now and I still miss him SO much and think of him often. I'll see someone with his build or something that looks similiar to what he did and miss him all over again. Visiting my uncle when we go home is really hard because he looks just like my dad, but I want to see him because he reminds me of him (and I love my uncle). Even with all this, I think for you to have your mom right there, but not have her there has got to be torture. My grandmother was like that for the last couple of years before she died. I was already away but I know how hard it was on my mom. We're always here for you. More hugs.

By Dawnk777 on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 12:14 am:

There are a few extended family groups at my church, where the mom-dad and several siblings and all the grandchildren all come to church. Sometimes I'm jealous that I don't have that, and sometimes I'm grateful because I wonder if my parents would drive me nuts, if they lived close-by! Who knows.

By Momofmax on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 06:44 am:

My parents live two blocks away and I am very grateful for that. There are times when dh and I have to bite our lips and just smile but the love and care that they give to us and our son are priceless. I am glad you wrote because I sometimes loose focus on what's really important while trying to "live my own life". After Katrina there was some talk of us moving and they were going to move in a different direction (we were going to have to go to Wash. D.C. and they were going to head to a retirement community in Florida) but the ties we have to each other kept us here to stick it out and get through the mess. I wonder sometimes if I'm too dependant on them and should be a little farther away...but I know that will be the case one day.

By Marg on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 06:59 am:

I miss mom terribly. She passed away on May 16, 2001 due to cancer throughout her body.

We were like two peas in a pod. I have the same closeness with our 3 daughters.

I think about mom daily but I know she's in a better place.

Dad is only 2 miles from us, but he has remarried and chooses not to have contact but once or twice a year with us

Dh's parents (mom died in 1986, in a coma for 7 years and dad died in 1989, alcoholic and complications thereof), he rarely speaks of, it is sad and I know he never felt the closeness I felt with mom.

So all of you that have mother's living close or a phone call or email a way, giving them a hug for me

By Marg on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 07:01 am:

BTW, if I could have just one mother's day gift it would be a hug from my mom.

I can still feel that last hug and hear her last "I love you marg..."

By Karen~moderator on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 07:36 am:

{{{{{{{{{{{Heidi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Heidi, I can sort of relate. I was raised by an alcoholic mother with emotional problems and numerous phobias. She was not abusive, she was just not emotionally *there*. She went to work on time every day, was well repected in her career and in the hospital she worked in, and I'm sure her co-workers believed she was doing a great job raising her kids on her own. But the older I get I find more things that were not *normal* in our upbringing, and see how they affected who I became and how I parented.

My mother's drinking permitted her ignore her own health problems, and it wasn't until she hit her own bottom - ending up in an ER due to neurological damage from her alcohol consumption - that we all found out she had serious health issues going on. She quit smoking, but it was too late. Soon after she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She quit drinking then, but it was too late. For the next 3 years, I was the mother and she was the child. I took care of her as best I could, and had my own guilt issues to deal with, and she died last year.

My dad passed away in 1990 - we were estranged for many years, and I and my kids were just really developing a healthy relationship with him at the time he died.

My inlaws both passed away in the last year also, and that really hurt because I was close to my MIL and loved her dearly, and was depending on her to *be there* for me since my own mom was gone.

So I understand how you feel. I miss having my parents. But in a sense, I've always missed having them. My dad was not around when I was growing up, from the age of 11. Before then, as a doctor, he was always working, and pretty much all we ever saw of him was to be punished for something. My mom provided for us, but once she was home, she drank, and we really had no rules or limits in our house, which we thought was great - at the time. But she was also not involved with our schooling, our social life, our important milestones and moments. The day I got married the first time, she showed up at my apartment with a small suitcase and her half gallon bottle of bourbon. You would have thought she was going in front of a firing squad, she was so freaked out and nervous. I just wanted the TV-perfect mom to be there on my wedding day. She was that way ANY time she had to be included in any setting where other people were present. She always had that *deer in the headlights* look on her face.

When I had my kids, she was no help. She was nervous holding them, she couldn't stay at the hospital when I was in labor because she needed that drink. She wasn't left alone with them until they were past infancy due to that as well.

I miss not having the mom I wanted to have. I miss not having the mom some of my friends had. I miss not having the June Cleaver mom, or the Brady Bunch mom, or the cheerleader mom, or the stage mom or the PTA mom. But most of all, I miss having the mom I did have. She WASN'T a lot of things, but with all her imperfections, she WAS a lot of things. And I've learned to appreciate those things for what they are.

You only get one mom. We don't all have the *perfect* or *normal* moms. But the moms we do, or did have, are OUR moms. It's OK to miss what you don't have, or didn't have. It's OK to need more too. It's even OK to feel cheated out of having more of a mom than you did have. But don't forget to appreciate what you DO have in a mom. There is something special about your mom, there are things you have gotten from her that you may not even be aware of yet.

Miss your mom, even while she is here, but accept her, and appreciate her, and most of all love her for who she IS.

And when you need some big shoulders to cry on, come right here. Lord knows, all of you let me cry on yours enough in the past two years.

By Dandjmom on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 08:11 am:

I miss my mom everyday. Actually I can't get her face out of my head. She passed in ouwr home adn I was the one to find her , she passed 51/2 years ago but I still see her the expression of pain on her face. I'm sorry. But yes I miss her. I'm a only child so there is noone for me except for my kids and the are two young to really understand my pain. After I lost my mother , I choose oto have another child so that my daughter would not have to experience the pain, sence of lonliness that I fell being alone no one to talk too, no siblings to share my memories with , I didnt' wnt that for her. HEr father was murdered when she was oly 2 weeks old so all she had was me. God forbid but we must all go hoem someday, adn I didnt' wna tto leave her alone. I must say with Mother's Day coming Sunday every one has been asking what are you dgoing to do to celebrate? My comment has been nothing but lay around the house , there isnt' anything to celebrate.

By Sandysmom on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 09:29 am:

My dad died in '98 at the age of 57. He died the week of Thanksgiving, suddenly, of a heart attack. My parent's marriage was very rocky for the last few years before his death, and my mom was so guilt-wracked that all she could do was walk around and say how very guilty she felt. That night, she confessed to me just how bad things were and how badly my dad had been treated. I know she was only trying to cleanse her heart and I listened to her and prayed with her, but I was soooo angry with her for the longest time. I tried to not be angry, but it was just there. Not even a year after my dad died she started seeing another man, which I could understand, but we could never get in touch with her and she never called or visited. Unfortunately, this man died after they had dated for over a year. Another devastation for my mom, but when we took her to his viewing, she just threw her arms around each one of his kids and consoled them to no end. I couldn't help but be a little bitter. After that we kept in touch more until she started seeing another man, and then it was hardly at all. She finally got married 2 & 1/2 years ago to a nice man and we see and talk to her a lot more, thank God. Now I feel happy picking out a Mother's Day card and not weepy. Well, weepy, but in a good way. But for a long time, it was like I had lost both of my parents. I do miss my Dad terribly.

By Kernkate on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 10:13 am:

{{{Heidi}}} It's so hard on you. And even harder for you to have to deal with everyday! When my mom was put in the nursing home I thought it was the worst thing ever. But I visited her often. I wish she was there now to visit. My Mom passed away in August of '04 and there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her. As so many say so many times a day I wish I could pick up the phone and call her for advice or just to tell her what what of the DK's did.
I was an only child and Mom was my best friend.
This week is tough on all of us with Mother's Day
I just keep thinking about all the great memories and fun I had with her growing up and having her in my life for 40 years.
My dad is only 10 minutes from me and I keep in touch with him all the time and see him just about every other day. We are very close. I was always Daddy's little girl and still am
{{{Big Hugs}}} to everyone who is missing their parents.
And Karen said it right "Miss your mom, even while she is here, but accept her, and appreciate her, and most of all love her for who she IS."

By Tayjar on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 10:19 am:

I can relate Heidi. My mom passed away in 2001 from lung cancer and I miss her so dearly. I still cry frequently from the loss. But, like yours, she smoked heavily and didn't go to a doctor for 25 years. Not once. She revolved her entire life around smoking. She never went longer than 15 minutes between smokes.

Her father died when she was 7 and she became a primary care giver to her younger brothers. She had a very rocky relationship with her mom and was starting to make it better when her mom was murdered. Tomorrow marks the 45th anniversary of that murder. My mom had depression all of her life, in part because of these events. She was never there for my sister nor me emotionally. My sister is still a wreck because of it. My mom spent her life sitting in a kitchen chair drinking coffee and smoking. She did that for 12 or more hours a day.

I see other people with their moms going shopping, doing lunch, playing with the grandkids, and I feel robbed of what a mother/daughter relationship should be like. I think she tried but didn't really know how and she was too messed up mentally to handle the responsibility of that kind of relationship. Once I was older, she would call me everynight to make sure I got home from work OK. I miss those calls.

However, when she weas dying I was there everyday and spoon fed her and told her I loved her, I told her I appreciated her for making me the independent person I am today. While not there emotionally, she provided the financial backing to get me through 2 college degrees as well as paid for a lot of extras for my kids. It was her way of saying she loved us.

As for my dad, he lives 5 miles from me and I see him a few times a year. He is the most selfish man you could ever meet. He won't even call me because it is long distance and will cost him 6 cents a minute. He is financially sound, it's a matter of being cheap.

Big hugs to you Heidi. I know this is a very difficult time for you. It's Mother's Day weekend, Scott is gone, and you are alone. You are entitled to some self-pity. Vent away here. Treat yourself to something nice for Mother's Day. You deserve it.

By Tripletmom on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 10:19 am:

(((HUGS))) Sometimes life doesn't seem fair.My dad died in 1995 and I miss him terribly.I'm sad that he wasn't there when I got married or he didn't get to meet his grandkids.My mother on the other hand is alive but dead in a sense.She lives 15 minutes away and really can't be bothered with us.I realized after I had my DD what a terrible mother she really was.It doesn't cost money to love and nuture our children like a parent should.She didn't even visit me in the hospital when I had my DD.She hasn't seen my DD since September.She saw the boys 2 months ago and thats b/c she wanted a pic with the boys to share with her friends.She's very selfish.I'm proud of the mother I became.I've done everything opposite of her and I have well adjusted children.I broke the visious circle and didn't become her.I'm sorry you're struggling with the guilt from you're mother, that is the worst kind of feeling.I'm in different circumstances than you so it was easier to let my mother go and not deal with the guilt anymore ((((HUGS))))

By Karen~moderator on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 06:15 pm:

Heidi - I just want to add - there is NOTHING wrong with needing people! We all need someone, maybe not all the time, but certainly now and then. Someone to lean on, someone to help take the pressure off, someone to help carry our burdens/lighten the load, someone to cry to, someone to talk to......whatever. When times are tough we are more needy than whatever our *norm* is. And it's OK!!!

I suspect you may be doing a bit of grieving for your mom right now. I know you've been concerned about her health, and it sounds like you are where I was when my mom was still alive. I hit a wall, and just couldn't stop crying for days. I later understood I was grieving the loss of the mom she no longer was, even though she was still alive.

And considering your circumstances, depression is a valid concern. You can't possibly be all things to all people. If your spirits don't improve in a few days, please consider talking to someone. You might need an anti-depressant for a while - or not - you may just need some emotional support right now.

{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}

By Jewlz on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 06:37 pm:

I miss my mom dearly!!! I still have talks with her tho she is in heaven, Im still mad at her for dieing on me. leat thsi is how i look at it. Yes she has other kids and grand kids even and even health issues that took her life. But darnit i wasnt ready for her to die. so Ill go make a cup of tea the kind mom would like. and sit and drink it. and well have these talks about life and sometimes( well more than somtimes) she is still right. lol i left home at 17 and didnt return to area she lived for 17 years. she was in calif and i was in north carolina and fla and ga and tx ... so the communication wasnt the best. but yes i miss her dearly and even once in a while i get mad and tell her how dare she die on me and not live to a ripe old age. yes yes yes i know she had seveere breathing health issues but this part is about me and somedays we need to be selfish and let it out of our system.
Mom thanks for being there for me and doing the best u could. I love ya and miss ya
always and foever
jewlz

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 06:41 pm:

Yes, very much. I started missing my dad long before he died, because he had dementia and my "dad" was gone at least 4-5 years before he died. My dear mother died in October of '97 and I think of her often - and still talk to her about things I'd talk to her about if she were here. And every time I see and hold my dear granddaughter, I think how much mom would have loved her and enjoyed her.

Heidi, I think you are struggling with resentment, guilt, and being so lonely - not a great combination. I strongly suggest that you work at not letting your mom guilt-trip you, and take some of those 2 hour periods to go to a gym or some place where you might meet some new people and make more friends. Then, take Connor to visit with grandma.

By Mrsheidi on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 09:14 pm:

Ok you guys...I feel a little better when I feel I'm not alone. I read each of your stories twice and I am just so thankful for you...your hearts were so open and honest. I just love that about you guys!!!

And, Karen, I will see someone if this doesn't improve. Ginny, I called the nursing home today and told them to tell her that I wasn't coming. Even they seemed like it was being harsh on her. Apparently she had been waiting in the front lobby for us even though I had told her we might not make it. We are picking her up tomorrow though and taking her home for night and then church the next day. I'm learning to say "no". It's so very hard...

Again, I will keep reading your posts you guys...your transparent feelings make me feel so much better. I know I'm not alone and that helps so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By Hol on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 09:36 pm:

I miss my Dad a lot. He died 21 years ago, when I was 37. He lingered a long time with cancer. My older kids were 13 and 9 at the time. He missed seeing them get married (at least on this Earthly realm), his first great-grandchild. He missed the adoption of my two younger kids.
My oldest son and my Dad were very close. He was the first boy in the family in many years. They were a lot alike. Dan kept saying, as he got older, that he wished he remembered Grandpa better. Then twelve years after Dad passed, so did Dan. They are buried together, and I picture them fishing together in Heaven. In a way, it was good that Dad wasn't around when Dan passed, because THAT surely would have killed him.
I have a wonderful picture of the two of them that I took on the beach many years ago. Dan was three at the time. He and my Dad have their back to the camera, and they are hand in hand, looking out over the horizon. My Mom says that it is like they are looking into eternity.

By Pamt on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 09:46 pm:

Karen, your post was so beautiful and eloquent. Thanks for reminding me to appreciate my mom.

Heidi, you have so incredibly much on your plate right now. I wish I lived nearby to give you a break. But hey! If you and Connor are up for a trip to Louisiana I'm sure that Karen and I could keep you busy for a few days. Taking care of your mom and your son alone is a tough job. PLease remember to take care of yourself too. (((Heidi)))

By Mom2three1968 on Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 01:54 pm:

My dad died unexpectedly almost two years ago in Sept 2004, I wasn't enormously close to my dad, although he was the best father that I could ever have had, and was always working, he was working up until the day he died at 66 years of age, he was self employed and did construction work. He had fallen ill, but was stubborn and didn't want to stop working to see a doctor, his arm was sore and he could barely use it, he also the winter before slipped on ice and broke his wrist and that never completely healed, well he ended up having a massive stroke and it killed him. I live in illinois, and didn't make it to say goodbye to him before he passed, ( they live in Pa) that was incredibly hard, after we came home I cried myself to sleep for a month afterward. He worked all his life and never seemed to have time for rest, now he's resting... My mom is in ill health, diabetic, heart trouble, among other things but she is doing okay for now, my sister lives near her so that helps, I talk to her twice a day.

Heidi, I feel for you, I know it's got to be hard, I know what it's like being on your own trying to handle everything, your a single parent right now with your dh gone. Yes, do things for yourself too, your little guy depends on you, keep yourself healthy, mentally and physically. Remember your not superwoman...

By Hol on Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 10:53 pm:

Kelly - (((HUGS))). Your story reminds me of an old Reba McIntyre song called "The Greatest Man I Never Knew".